Rebalancing the Homework System

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on March 31, 2011]

FRESH TAKE
Don’t take responsibility for your child’s homework, says Maullika Sharma, as she suggests ways to make the task less stressful
Homework is something all of us have struggled with. First, when we were children and had to do our own homework; now, when we are parents and have to make sure our children do theirs. What is it about homework that makes it so stressful? I decided to study this phenomenon and see where it led me.

The objectives of assigning homework to students are twofold. The first is to make sure students understand what is taught in school, and further their learning on a particular topic. So students are often asked to revise chapters, do worksheets, or make some charts and reports. The second objective of homework, and possibly the more important one, is to teach children about responsibility, time management, creativity and resourcefulness. This objective, unfortunately, is mostly forgotten.

In our anxiety to be good parents we often focus only on the first objective of getting the work done. If that means that we need to do the homework, then so be it. We stay up late and work on the chart, or cut out and stick the pictures. We beautify the project so that it looks good. Eventually, it becomes our homework, not our child’s. We try to ensure our child’s project is the best in the class, because we, as parents, feel validated by that. After all, we don’t want our child’s teacher to feel that we are not ‘good enough’ parents who are not interested in their child’s homework, and do not ensure that it is done on time.

Perceptive kids
Children are sometimes more perceptive than we may like them to be, and they pick up on these anxieties of ours very quickly. They then take no time in transferring the responsibility onto us! And we, unknowingly, take it. Who said parents aren’t a gullible lot? If the teacher does not approve of the work submitted then it is no big deal for the child because it wasn’t their work in the first place. As parents, it becomes our responsibility to compensate for our child’s lack of responsibility.

However, contrary to what we may believe, children like to feel a sense of ownership about their work. They like to feel that they did it independently, and that they are capable of doing it all by themselves, without inputs from their parents. It makes them feel all grown up and gives them a sense of satisfaction. It doesn’t matter if the output is not perfect, if the lines are not straight, or the picture is a little crooked. When they do it on their own, they get a feeling of accomplishment. When we step in and do it for them we deprive them of this opportunity to feel satisfied.

The blame for parents falling into this trap does not rest entirely with the parents. Teachers are very quick at asking parents to get more involved in their children’s homework. Very often teachers comment on how parents are not committed to their child’s development because they don’t help them at home. And should the teacher come to know that the child’s mother works full-time outside the home, she is quick to pass judgment on how the mother doesn’t focus enough on the child’s work. After all, teachers want the students’ projects to be near perfect because their own performance is judged on it!

So this is what an out-of-balance and dysfunctional homework system looks like. As parents, we make frequent inquiries about assignments given; we keep reminding our child to do his work; we keep asking if the work has been done; we help out by doing some (sometimes most) of the work; we give lectures about the work not being finished; and, we feel responsible for our child’s failure if the work does not get done on time and does not get done well. Teachers, on the other hand, lecture, persuade or coerce the children to do their work; they give frequent reminders and deadline extensions and make-up opportunities; they make the work easier if it is not done; they give special rewards for it being done; they ask parents to get more involved; and, they also feel responsible for the child’s failure.

While parents and teachers are filled with all this sense of anxiety and responsibility, the children learn to beat the system. They provide excuses about assignments; they keep listening to reprimands but wait till the last minute to get started; they do their work in a busy part of the house so as to attract maximum attention and get maximum inputs (sometimes even without asking for them). They rush through and do their work carelessly, because the responsibility for doing it well is not theirs, but their parents’ or teachers’. And, if they get poor grades they are, naturally, quick to pass on the blame to their parents!

The question then is that if the homework system is so out of balance in your home, how do you rebalance it? You need to be able to look at your role in this system, and the physical infrastructure within which the homework happens.

Regular time
As a parent, you need to establish a regular time and place for homework to be done. Preferably this should be earlier in the day than later. Also, there should be a definite start time and end time, so that you have time to interact with your child without the homework sword  dangling on both of you. Often the only interaction that happens between parents and their children is about their homework (which has a knack of stretching into all available time). Your emphasis with respect to homework should be on effort, not outcome; on process, not product. Also, fix a place in the home, where homework should be done, and ensure this is not in the centre of the house, otherwise there is a constant invitation from the child (and a temptation for you to) jump into the process. Provide all the necessary materials and instructions. Clarify the consequences for non-compliance. And, then, most importantly, stay off the dance floor!

It is your child’s job to keep track of books and assignments, start on time so as to finish on time, ask for (limited) guidance if needed, and turn in the work on time. And, most importantly to accept responsibility for his grades (high or low).

As with all change, this rebalanced system will take time to settle down. Expect to be constantly tested. But stay firm and be vigilant of lapses. And, in the meantime, if your child’s teacher is not so appreciative of your ‘uninvolved’ approach try helping her redefine her role! Good luck!

About Success and Self Esteem : Ask our counsellor Q&A Column March 24, 2011

The following queries answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on March 24, 2011

Dear Madam
I am currently studying in 11 Std and am doing science. I scored 9 CGPA in 10 standard. I want to become a doctor, but I am being distracted from my studies in school. I know that this is the age to study, but some boys come and say that I look very cute and ask me to accept their proposal. Thinking I may not get such a nice person ever again I gravitate towards him! But, first of all, is it necessary to have a boyfriend? And, what is love? Please tell me what to do?

Distracted Student

Dear Distracted Student

I understand that you have a feeling that you may never find a ‘nice’ boy again and that drives you to getting distracted with the current boy who is pursuing you. I would like you to think about it. Why do you feel that you will never find another boy? Do you believe that you are not good enough and therefore should grab whoever is coming your way right now? I have written some articles earlier on the topics of self esteem and self image which can be found at http://archive.deccanherald.com/Content/May22009/living20090501133620.asp and http://www.deccanherald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html. Read them if you get a chance. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are good enough to find an appropriate partner whenever you are ready for it.

I also get a sense that you may be getting distracted because you feel you must have a boyfriend, otherwise you won’t be ‘cool’ enough amongst your peers. A boyfriend is not ‘something’ that you must have, but rather someone whom you are able to connect with as a friend, and at an emotional level. He is someone who loves you for who you are, and not because it is ‘cool’ to be with you. He is someone you feel comfortable with. There is no such age as the right age to love, and the right age to have a boyfriend. When you find the right person you will know.

If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you want to become a doctor, then you probably have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later. If you miss out on your goals now, you may not get another chance to achieve them later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of BE final year. I have not been able to clear the aptitude tests of 3 companies. Even though I work hard I am unable to get short listed. I scored 80.83% in my 12th and 85.92% in my 10th exams. My academic result is 65.373%. What shall I do now?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you should feel disheartened so early on in your search. If you have not cleared 3 aptitude tests, it does not mean that you are not good enough. It just means that you have not done well in those tests, and that you need to hone your skills in appearing for those tests some more. See it as an opportunity to develop your skills, like a test of mock exams before the final ones. Remember, failure is never a person.

If we use that failure as an opportunity to learn something, then it is not a failure at all. Also, remember, that success in the workplace is not a function of your marks. Success in the workplace is a function of other skills. What the workplace needs today is not marks, but self-esteem.

Get a Grip on Anger

[The following article written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Living Supplement on March 5, 2011]

STRESS BUSTING
Anger can devastate lives and destroy relationships. Maullika Sharma tells you how to stop yourself from flying off the handle

Anger is often said to be one letter short of ‘danger’; it is something we have learnt to fear. Yet, everyone gets angry. While trying to understand and dissect anger, it is important to tame this emotion, rather than have it control us.

To put it very simply, anger is a feeling — just one of the many emotions that we face in our day. But, sometimes, it can be a frightening emotion. It can devastate lives, destroy relationships, harm others, disrupt work, cloud effective thinking, affect physical health, and ruin the future.

Anger is a secondary emotion. When you have primary feelings like jealousy, agitation, loneliness, helplessness, bitterness, fear, defeat, embarrassment, hurt, confusion, shame, frustration, powerlessness, disappointment or insecurity, you end up with the secondary feeling of anger.

If you are not able to identify your primary feelings and deal with them, your anger doesn’t ever get resolved.

Let’s consider what happens when, for instance, your six-year-old son goes to a party and attacks the cake and chips like he has never seen food before!

He keeps drinking glass after glass of cola, and eating piece after piece of cake, till, much to your embarrassment, it actually runs short for the other kids around.

You get angry because he always does that, and this time you had specifically coached him not to.

You shout at him, maybe even slap him, and threaten to take him home. But, do you ever step back and think about why this makes you angry?

Anger is the result of thinking, and, most of the time, too much thinking. It is not something that simply happens to you. When situations don’t go the way you want them to, and people don’t behave the way you expect them to, you get frustrated and engage in a familiar angry response.

You probably get angry because you think your son is not listening to you (you feel ignored and disrespected); you think the others at the party will question your ability to control as a parent (you feel helpless and powerless); you think others will tease your son and in some ways tease you as well (you feel embarrassed); you think others will say you are not a good enough parent (you feel invalidated and judged); you think your son will fall sick (you feel anxious and worried); you may even think that you would love to be able to eat that much too (you feel jealous).

So, a simple act of overeating by your child results in lots of thinking, and therefore, lots of different feelings, and eventually in the feeling of anger and the resultant behaviour of anger — shouting, hitting or threatening your child.

How many of us think about our anger at this level of detail?

We just let the external stimuli (in this case the behaviour of the child) cause our angry response (shouting, hitting, threatening). And, we allow anger to simmer within.

Anger is often described as a volcano. In many volcanoes the lava simmers within for years, gradually building up pressure. When the pressure becomes too much to be contained, the volcano erupts and the lava flows, destroying everything in its wake.

When our primary underlying emotions are not expressed or resolved, they keep simmering within till we can hold them no longer. And, then one day, often quite unexpectedly for the people around us, we explode — destroying things and relationships.

We end up feeling calmer, but by then the damage has already been permanently done to our environment.

There are, however, other types of volcanoes that have several steam vents through which the lava keeps flowing out gently. The pressure within never builds up enough to cause the big explosion, because every time there is a build up, there is a built-in system to release the pressure.

Similarly, if we resolve our underlying primary emotions, there is no danger of a big explosion and the resultant damage.

Let’s go back to the previous example. It is clear that the mother needs to feel validated, in control and confident about her ability to be a good parent.

If she is able to identify these needs and meet them in some other way, she will be able to interpret her child’s behaviour just for what it is (his love for food) rather than for what she makes it out to be (a threat to her parenting capabilities).

Becoming aware of our unmet needs, and making a conscious attempt to satisfy them becomes an important tool in understanding and managing anger.

This is not to say that children don’t need to be taught socially appropriate behaviour. But take a minute to think about whether in the process of teaching we need to feel inadequate, invalidated, and therefore, angry, or happy at being able to guide our children onto the right path even if we encounter some pitfalls along that path.

Self-awareness, they say, is the most important tool to manage anger. Thankfully, that’s completely within our power and our control.

You control your reaction to situations: Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column March 3, 2011

The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt. March 3, 2011

Dear Madam

My Board exams are just a few weeks away. I have been suffering from depression for the last few months and am under medication for that. I have been unable to focus on my work because of the side-effects of the medication. I have high expectations from myself but since I have not been able to focus on my studies I feel like giving up. Help! I am beginning to feel that everything is a waste and there is no point in all this anymore.

Hopeless Student

Dear Hopeless Student,

It is unfortunate that depression has hit you so close to your exams. However, things happen over which we have no control. We are all dealt a certain pack of cards in life —we need to make the best use of the pack that we have. It is no point saying that I would have done better, had I been dealt a different hand. Given the reality of what you are facing, you need to give it your best shot.

I understand that you have high expectations from yourself. And that’s great. Because if you don’t have that, then it is very easy to give up. However, I would like you to think about your expectations and about how you are defining success. If you are defining success for yourself in terms of getting, for example, above 95% marks in the Board exams, then the target may seem too distant and unattainable, and therefore, you may feel demotivated to even try.

However, if you are defining success for yourself in terms of getting admission into one of the courses of your choice at a reasonably good institution, then that goal is broader and you are likely to have a better chance of achieving it. Or, if you are clear about what career path you want to follow, then recognise that the marks in the immediate exams are only a stepping stone towards it, and not the ultimate objective themselves. Marks only open up some doors. However, if those doors don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.

Things happen, and situations arise, in life over which we have no control. How we interpret those situations is something we have total control over. Therein lies our power. So discover the power within yourself. Keep the control with you. Don’t give it up to anyone else. Good luck.

Dear Madam

I am a first year science student. Whenever I start studying my mind gets distracted to something else. Because of this my performance in the past 3 years has been decreasing gradually. Please help.

Ritesh

Dear Ritesh,

To get the most out of our time, we must concentrate on what we are doing in the moment, rather than let our mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that we control the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around. The power of being able to focus and concentrate can be illustrated most effectively with the analogy of the sun’s rays. When focused and concentrated to a point on a paper, through a convex lens, the sun’s rays can start a fire, but nothing happens if the focus is not correct.

Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling, and lighting the figurative fire in your belly.

Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:

*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer. Once this is easy, count the words on a page.
*Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes.
*Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes.

These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes everyday and see if you experience a difference.

Break goals into manageable targets : Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column - February 10, 2011

The following queries answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt February 10, 2011

Dear Madam

I am a Class 12 student. I got very good grades in my Class X exam but my grades dropped in Class XI. Since then I have become careless. I tend to waste my time using Facebook and Twitter. I have large goals in my mind. Please help me out.

Distracted Student

Dear Distracted Student,

You say that you have large goals in your mind. The only way to achieve them is to work towards them. Sometimes, when the goals are too large you tend to get overwhelmed by them and in the process tend to get distracted easily. You may feel that what you are chasing is too large and too difficult, and you don't know how to do it. It seems easier for you to take a break for a while, or rest for a while, with your distractions (i.e. your online activity). If that is the case, I suggest you break your goals into smaller, more manageable targets which are easier to achieve. As you achieve each target you have a feeling of success and satisfaction that motivates you to move to your next target.

Let me illustrate with an example. If your goal is to get to the top of a mountain (like Mt. Everest) you may feel overwhelmed at the thought. Where do you begin? How do you do it? etc. However, if you break this goal into multiple smaller goals, the task appears more manageable and less overwhelming, For example your smaller goals could be - join a regular trekking club for local treks around Bangalore; join a group trek going up to the foothills of the Himalayas; get physically fit; raise enough money; trek up to the Everest base camp at 17,600 ft from Lukla; scale the Khumbu Icefall to reach Camp 1 up to 19,500 feet; reach Camp II at 21,300 feet; scale the Lhotse Face and climb to Camp III at 23,500 feet; climb to Camp IV at 26,300 feet; finally reach the summit. Breaking the large goal into multiple smaller goals gives you a roadmap of the path you need to follow. You can then focus on the path and not feel lost (quite like if you were trying to reach an unknown place without a map).

Having this map helps you stay focussed, and gives you a sense of accomplishment after every step. This propels you towards achieving your next step. Now's the time for you to stay focussed. There is plenty of time for distractions later. Identify what is overwhelming you and break it down. All the best.

Dear Madam

My son is in Class XII. He has been doing well academically so far and was focussed about wanting to become a doctor. Now suddenly, he has lost focus and is keen on pursuing a career in photography. How do I steer him back on course? He is going to waste his life and doesn't see any merit in what I am saying.

Anxious mother

Dear Anxious Mother,

What would it mean to you if your son took up a career in photography? I would like you to think about this, before answering. Would it mean that you have been a failure as a parent because you have not been able to steer your son towards a traditionally accepted career. Had he chosen to become a doctor, would you have felt more validated as a parent? The important thing is to be able to steer your child towards a path of excellence in whichever career he chooses. Would you rather he became a doctor, hated it, and remained miserable all through his working life, because of a wrong career choice (made for him by you). Or would you rather, he became a top-notch photographer, loved his work, and enjoyed every minute of his career. If he chooses his path, he is not going to hold you responsible for his success or failure at it. If you choose his path, he is going to hold you responsible for his failure at it (should it happen).

As parents we have anxieties about our children’s future success (as we define it). I think it is important for us to deal with our anxieties and learn to handle them, so that they don’t colour our relationship with our children. Your unresolved anxieties don’t need to be passed on to your child.

My Child Should be...

[The following article was published in Deccan Herald on February 3, 2011]


POSITIVE PARENTING Children need to find their own purpose and create their own path. Parents should merely support them in this process of searching for their self, writes Maullika Sharma
In my counselling practice, and in the various workshops I conduct on different aspects of parenting, I often meet parents who have a clearly mapped out future path for their children — every milestone documented (or at least etched in their mind). Their children must follow that path if they are to have a happy and successful future (and therefore, life).

However, children are here in the world, to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for their self and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly.  According to Brian Tracy, an American TV Host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.”

As enlightened parents we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring glory to us. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path.

So if you have any such expectations, it is imperative that you open up the windows of your mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for your child.

There is a controversy raging in the Western press these days about the Chinese style of parenting, vs, the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented, disciplinarian and loaded with the highest expectations of their children in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend a sleepover; have a play date; be in a school play; complain about not being in a school play; watch TV or play computer games; choose their own extracurricular activities; get any grade less than an A; not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama; play any instrument other than the piano or violin; not play the piano or violin (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html). The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings, self-esteem, etc. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers.

A quick Google search in the Classical Composers database threw up just 20 ‘Chinese’ composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing. While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, the ability to learn on the job, the ability to problem solve, the ability to be a team leader, and a team player (in formal and informal team structures), the ability to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of these get tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.

So if you expect your child to get a hundred per cent, and she lives up to your expectation, she may still not be a success in life, and in the work place. Do you want her to succeed in her exams, or do you want her to succeed in life? It is a decision you may need to take as a parent, because the paths to both may be completely different.

Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations. No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone and try out new things. All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks and performance.

Expectations should be about behaviour, not performance. Expectations should about your child's putting in their best effort; about learning; about living by values that you help your child believe in; about your child pushing the boundaries and limits of his or her capabilities; about being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; about having dreams and aspirations; to mention just some of the few drivers for excellence in today's world.

So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief of who they really are! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of non-acceptance.
And, what can we expect as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”