Just be Yourself - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on November 19, 2015] 

Dear Madam,

My science teacher hates me and it is apparently for no reason. Maybe I am not so good in the subject, but that is no reason for her to dislike me. It is unfair and I am not going to let her treat me like that for another year. She needs to treat me like every other pupil. How does one have a good teacher-pupil relationship?

A Student
Dear Student

It must be extremely hurtful and frustrating to feel that your teacher hates you, and to not know the reasons for it. I can also sense the anger that must be arousing in you. Could it be possible that you are mis-reading her emotions towards you? Could your interpretation of her feelings towards you be based on your thoughts that may not be really be grounded in reality? Think about it.

It may be helpful for you to have a conversation with the teacher and respectfully tell her what you feel — without challenging what she is doing. Naturally if you challenge her she will get defensive. But if you tell her that you are feeling disliked by her and that you would like to change that and so could she help you understand what is wrong, she may be amenable to having a conversation with you about your feelings. But a word of caution — enter this conversation with the objective and mind-set of trying to understand what you can do differently, rather than with an attitude of challenging her because “how dare she hate you”.

You may want to talk to a counsellor about the specifics of what this teacher is making you feel, and how you could best handle this situation. Try calling the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to reach out to a counsellor who could help you. All the best!

Dear Madam,

My parents seem really unhappy. One day they may be fine and the next they’re not. They often argue over me — be it studies or my behaviour. They don’t seem to agree. I don’t know what to do.

A student
Dear student,

Unfortunately when parents fight, children end up feeling that they are responsible and need to do something to improve things. You need to know that none of their fighting is your fault. It is not about anything you did, did not do, or could have done. It is about their own issues, disagreements and misunderstandings, amongst themselves.

They may be about you, because you are the link between them and are probably equally important to both of them. But they are not because of you, and you don’t need to do anything different, or be anyone different to stop them. You may be the subject of their disagreements, but you are not the cause of them, and I want you to believe that.

Just be the person you want to be, and let the adults sort out their own mess, no matter how hard that may sound.  All the best.

Dear Madam

I am in the first year of college. I act on feedback to improve, but keep getting mediocre performance reviews on my assignments, although I try hard to do my best. Should I just put up with being average at studies? How can I improve myself?

An undergraduate
Dear undergraduate student,

The most important thing, and really the only thing you can control, is the amount of effort you put in. And to perform at the level of your best potential you must put in your best effort. Beyond that you cannot control the marks. You can take feedback that you get, and you say you do, and that will help. However, don’t anchor yourself and your sense of self-worth, to your marks.

Strive to put in your best effort and that will ensure that at least you gain the knowledge that you need. Marks merely open doors for you, and sometimes not even that. Your real success in the workplace will not come from marks, but from your softer skills like the ability to learn on the job, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your creative problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your communication and persuasive skills, among other things.

So don’t brand yourself as average just because your marks are average. There is more to you than your marks.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I am studying in a degree college. My problem is that I am depressed and keep thinking, hoping that things will be different. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. Often I have a mental block and I am unable to study. How do I come out of this situation?

Confused student
Dear confused student

I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to understand and deal with your depression. If your depression has been there for a long time you may need to see a psychiatrist as well. If it is a mild onset that just set in only counselling may work.

I don’t know if you are in a place where you have access to a counsellor. However, if you don’t it may be helpful for you to reach out to a counsellor over the phone. You could call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 which is a free helpline answered by counsellors to help young adults like you.

Most of the time, depression is the time the result of how we think about events and situations and a counsellor may be able to help you gain a different perspective on things. All the best.

Overcoming your Difficulties - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on August 20, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am an undergraduate student currently doing internship. I belong to a lower middle class family. I was doing well in my studies till the second year. But in second year I got disturbed as financial problems arose in my family and the family harmony was affected. At the same time I fell in love, and failed. My friends too betrayed me. I feel guilty about having wasted my time in unnecessary stuff. 

I should have realized my family expectations and condition. I became negative and lacked interest in studying and socializing with friends. As a result my studies were affected and slowly I became depressed and frustrated with my condition.

With the help of a lecturer I tried to recover and revive my self-confidence. I studied diligently in my final year and I improved. However, the problem of depression still persisted. Currently I am having physiological complaints like lack of sleep, lack of interest in food, feeling low and lack of energy through the day. 

I try hard to concentrate on my studies but cannot. I also think that my memory is going weak as I am forgetting things easily. I am unable to take action of what I want to do and end up doing nothing.

I try to motivate myself through books but my motivation is short lived. My lack of concentration, low energy, and persistent forgetfulness is affecting me. I want to get rid of this as I am afraid that this problem could hamper my career and future. Please help me in this regard.
A student
Dear Student
It is good that you are recognizing that there may be a more persistent problem for which you may need more help. I think it is important to get yourself evaluated for depression by a psychiatrist and take the help needed for you to get out of it.

Like other chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes and hyper-tension, depression may also need some medication as it may be the result of chemical imbalance in the brain.

If you are assessed for being clinically depressed, and you take the medication you should start feeling better in a couple of weeks. If possible, also try and supplement the medication with some counselling that will help you feel better about yourself, deal with your guilt, and gain a different perspective on the situation you are trying to handle.

I am not sure which city you are in, and if you have access to a counsellor. If not, you could get some free counselling support from the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. All the best.

Dear Madam,
My daughter is very bad in her studies. In PUC she failed in two subjects which she cleared in the supplementary exam. Immediately she was admitted to an Engineering College in Mysore (for Information science). In the first semester she failed to clear 4 subjects, and continued to the 2nd semester.

When the results were announced, she failed in 7 subjects, including 4 subjects in the first semester. We are utterly confused. Could you guide us? Shall I ask her to concentrate in 7 subjects by remaining at home and preparing well before going for the 3rd semester next year, or discontinue her studies and join some other course like BCA.

Alternatively pursue the 3rd semester and simultaneously appear for the failed subjects in the coming supplementary exam. We seek your valuable suggestion. An aggrieved parent
Dear aggrieved parent
It is not about asking her to follow one path or the other, it is about having a conversation with her to understand what is holding her back from achieving her potential. Does she feel she is in the wrong field and would she rather be doing something else? Or does she feel she is in the right field, but is distracted and unable to focus due to stress, anxiety or some other reason which she may need help dealing with. Or does she believe she is just not capable to deal with these subjects?

It is important to be able to have these conversations in a non-judgmental accepting way so that she feels comfortable expressing her fears and anxieties.

I am sure her situation must be causing her difficulty as well, and it is important for you as a parent to support her in this journey so that she comes out successfully at the other end, with the least emotional damage.

Dear Madam
How do I explain to my classmate that I just don’t want to hear about her boring stories all the time? She goes on about the dullest things but I don’t want to be rude. Help!Anonymous
Dear friend

Our reactions to a particular situation often stem from our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences. It may be worthwhile for you to take a few self-reflective moments to understand where you impatience is stemming from? What do you feel when she tells you those stories? What stops you from participating in those stories and also telling some of your own? What stops you from being genuinely interested in her?

And if you are not, what makes you still hang around her, even though you would rather not? What is the gain you are getting out of it? Time for some self-reflection, I think. All the best.

Dear Madam
My son has just turned 14 and I have a suspicion that he's started smoking marijuana. He's always been such good boy, and we've always been very close as a family. But just recently he's started coming back to the house with red eyes, in the middle of the night, and locking himself in his room. What can I do?A concerned mother
Dear concerned mother,
I would think it is time to have some genuine communication within the family. Don’t focus simply on the behaviors, but on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are leading to his indulging in those behaviors.

Don’t be judgmental and dismissive of him, but go into the conversation with an open heart and open mind and a willingness to listen, understand and mentor. He is still a ‘good boy’ but is just not doing something not so good. That does not erase and nullify all is goodness.

He needs guidance, mentoring, love and help. You may stop the smoking and still not address the underlying emotions and needs, which may result in only a short-lived solution to the problem. Hope this helps. All the best.

You control your reaction to situations: Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column March 3, 2011

The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt. March 3, 2011

Dear Madam

My Board exams are just a few weeks away. I have been suffering from depression for the last few months and am under medication for that. I have been unable to focus on my work because of the side-effects of the medication. I have high expectations from myself but since I have not been able to focus on my studies I feel like giving up. Help! I am beginning to feel that everything is a waste and there is no point in all this anymore.

Hopeless Student

Dear Hopeless Student,

It is unfortunate that depression has hit you so close to your exams. However, things happen over which we have no control. We are all dealt a certain pack of cards in life —we need to make the best use of the pack that we have. It is no point saying that I would have done better, had I been dealt a different hand. Given the reality of what you are facing, you need to give it your best shot.

I understand that you have high expectations from yourself. And that’s great. Because if you don’t have that, then it is very easy to give up. However, I would like you to think about your expectations and about how you are defining success. If you are defining success for yourself in terms of getting, for example, above 95% marks in the Board exams, then the target may seem too distant and unattainable, and therefore, you may feel demotivated to even try.

However, if you are defining success for yourself in terms of getting admission into one of the courses of your choice at a reasonably good institution, then that goal is broader and you are likely to have a better chance of achieving it. Or, if you are clear about what career path you want to follow, then recognise that the marks in the immediate exams are only a stepping stone towards it, and not the ultimate objective themselves. Marks only open up some doors. However, if those doors don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.

Things happen, and situations arise, in life over which we have no control. How we interpret those situations is something we have total control over. Therein lies our power. So discover the power within yourself. Keep the control with you. Don’t give it up to anyone else. Good luck.

Dear Madam

I am a first year science student. Whenever I start studying my mind gets distracted to something else. Because of this my performance in the past 3 years has been decreasing gradually. Please help.

Ritesh

Dear Ritesh,

To get the most out of our time, we must concentrate on what we are doing in the moment, rather than let our mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that we control the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around. The power of being able to focus and concentrate can be illustrated most effectively with the analogy of the sun’s rays. When focused and concentrated to a point on a paper, through a convex lens, the sun’s rays can start a fire, but nothing happens if the focus is not correct.

Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling, and lighting the figurative fire in your belly.

Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:

*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer. Once this is easy, count the words on a page.
*Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes.
*Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes.

These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes everyday and see if you experience a difference.