Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.

Life is a marathon; keep running - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 25, 2014]
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Dear Madam
My son is in the 8th standard. He is intelligent, smart and loving. However, he is a little stubborn and unwilling to accept failure in anything, including games. If reprimanded, he shows his unhappiness through anger, back answering etc. He does not have any inclination to systematic studies and is not keen to work seriously on anything. He almost always depends on what he has heard in the first instance in class, his intelligence and general information to deal with his subjects. He prefers to glance through his books. He likes music, books, general knowledge, sports and technology. I am not comfortable about pushing him in anything, including studies, but I do not want him to be irresponsible. We sent him to an alternative school but it did not work out. Is there anything that he can take up according to his inclination — something in art, drama, music — and come back to formal studies as and when he feels like it? If he finds a career that supports him for a reasonable living, we will be more than happy.
A Parent

Dear Parent

I do not have any input on types of schools and options for alternative careers and courses. I do have a question for you though, and that is around your hesitation to guide him, steer him and may be even push him a little bit. I get the sense that you feel there is something wrong in doing that. I believe that children need to know that there is someone in control who will let them fly on auto-pilot, but is there for a course correction as soon as it is needed. Children need to know that someone is in control to hold them if things don’t go right; that someone is there to show them the path if they need it; that someone is there to tell them when they are doing wrong. Otherwise how do they learn to differentiate right from wrong; good from bad? It is all very well to let them discover their path, but with the knowledge that should they stray too far away, someone will bring them back, rather than let them get lost in the jungle. So why are you afraid of holding the parental reins, and maybe tugging at them when needed? This is something for you to think about. As for your son, I would need to hear from him in order to be able to help him find his motivation. All the best.
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Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student (PCMB). I am not able to concentrate on studies and I get distracted very easily. I sometimes get bored of studying and ask myself, ‘For what do we have to study — is it just for 3 meals a day?’ I cycle to my college, which is about 5 km from home, and also to tuitions. Even though I have nutritious food, cycling makes me very tired and therefore I need about 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Due to this, I am not able to study daily and the portions pile up. I get worried when a friend says that he gets up at 3 am and is able to study because I am not able to. During exams my hands and feet sweat a lot. I am basically a slow writer and cannot complete the paper within the specified time. My Maths lecturer says it is necessary to study at least 5 hours in 2nd PUC. What can I do to overcome the above problem?
Vinayak 

Dear Vinayak
You need to find your own motivation and reasons to study, as well as your own method of studying that works for you. Don’t worry about how much the others are studying and what your teachers are saying. You need to figure out for yourself how much you need to do. It is not about studying for 5-6 hours, or about getting up at 3 am. All of that is useless if you are not concentrating and focusing on what you need to do. One hour of focused work may actually be better than 6 hours of distracted time-pass. I have written a lot in this column on the issue of exam anxiety and I would urge you to read the article on “Demystifying Exam Anxiety” on my blog http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html.
You are raising some fundamental questions about why we need to study, and I think that if you are able to answer that question for yourself (because each one’s reasons for the need to study will be, and should be, different), you will find the motivation that will help you to focus and concentrate. The studying for the exams is only the path to a larger goal. It is not your goal. So discover your goal and getting onto the path will become easier and more enjoyable.
All the best.
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Dear Madam, 
I read your column regularly. I am a 2nd year PCMB student. I had become very lethargic and was out of track from studies till January. From February, I started working really hard as I had a lot of syllabus to complete. I had high expectations of myself. My first paper was Chemistry. I was quite well prepared for my exams. I do not have the tendency to forget answers during the exams. But this time, I forgot most of the answers and did not do my Chemistry paper well. I was very depressed. Due to this I became seriously ill and I could not do the other papers. My ambition is to do MBBS. Now I have wasted a year. I secured 92% in SSLC. I was the college topper in 1st PUC. Due to this incident my confidence level has gone down. My family members are very supportive and have asked me to wait patiently for a year and take up higher-level medical entrance exams like AIIMS. But I feel I wasted one year due to foolishness. Please help me
M S

Dear M S
Many of us make mistakes, and many of us fail at various things that we try to do. That is a reality. But whether we let that failure define us as a total failure, or we use that failure as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, is our choice. You need to be able to put things in perspective. Yes, you may have lost a year. But in the totality of life, one year is but a small percentage. And if that year has taught you lessons in life, if on nothing else but on how to deal with failure, and how to view failure, then it may even be a year well spent.
So don’t worry about failures in your path. They are mere obstacles on your running track. You may trip over them, but you need to get up and run again, because life is not a sprint, but a marathon. Life is not about winning the race, but about running it well and finishing it. And in this marathon run, the fact that you have a supportive family that is not putting you down for your poor performance is a blessing you must not lose sight off. Be thankful for what you have, and just focus on the long haul. A small obstacle along the path should be viewed as just that – a small obstacle, not a giant boulder.Good luck!

Have a Clear Mind - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on January 12, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N

Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai

Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.

Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.

Retain control of 'your result' - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald of September 8, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am studying in PUC II. I was doing well till Class 8 but after that I started losing interest in studies. I am not saying that I can’t study, but I get bored. If I sit down to study, I can’t concentrate on the subjects. This has affected my scores. In PUC I, I scored 70 per cent. Every week, I have tests at the tuition classes that I am attending and I am not able to prepare well. Please help me. I want to pursue an engineering degree from a reputed college and become a successful engineer.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
Try and think about what changed for you after Class 8. Why did your interest drop? Were there, or are there, any distractions that are keeping you from focussing on what you need to do. What is your motivation to study? Are you doing it for yourself, and your brighter future, or are you doing it under pressure from the environment and because your parents are forcing you to. If you are doing it for someone else, I can understand why you are getting bored, because it is then a chore to be done. You do not see any benefit in it for yourself.
I am happy to hear you say that you can do it, it is just that you don’t want to do it. So you do believe that you are capable of it, and the only thing holding you back, is yourself. That is a much better situation to be in because then everything is within your control. It is situations outside your control that are much more difficult to deal with. If the only thing holding you back is yourself, then I am sure that once you realise that the beneficiary of your studying is none other than you, you will find the motivation to do it. If you study and do well, the person who benefits the most is you, not your parents or anyone else in your life. If you want to become an engineer, and that to from a top college, then there is no short-cut to putting in effort. However, till you believe the effort is being done for someone else, it will always remain a chore. Once you realise it is for yourself, you will start enjoying the journey and focussing on it instead of focussing only on the destination. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, there is no other way to get there, other than enjoying the journey and the process. If you don’t enjoy trekking and consider the journey as torturous, the peak will remain an unattainable goal. If you enjoy trekking, then, even if you eventually don’t make it to the ultimate goal, at least you have enjoyed the trek.
So, reexamine your motivation, and enjoy the journey.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in PUC II and I am interested in doing Aeronautical Engineering. For this, I have decided to take the AIEEE, but my parents are constantly opposing it. A fortune teller has informed them that I will not be successful if I take that exam. How can I convince my parents to believe otherwise? And, in case I do not get admission to an engineering college, can I go for pilot training? Is it true that a pilot license could cost me lakhs of rupees?
Keerthi

Dear Keerthi,
Your parents are probably anxious about your future and are, therefore, seeking inputs from fortune tellers. Unfortunately, when we get these inputs, and try to predict our future, we start believing in them, and they become like self-fulfilling prophecies. You will start believing that anyway I will not do well in this exam, because that is what the fortune teller has said, so why should I study hard. If you don’t study hard, you will not do well. The fortune teller’s prophecy will come true and you will start believing that what the fortune teller told you (or your parents) was indeed true. My advice for you is to retain control of your results with you. Don’t give it up to someone who has no interest or influence in the matter. If you believe you can do it, then just do it and give it your best shot, irrespective of what anyone is saying. And, if you make a mistake along the way, don’t worry — just view it as a stumbling block on your path.
I think it would be wise for you to sit with your parents, and understand their anxieties. Are they financial or are they based on what the fortune teller has said? If you really want to pursue this course, then you may need to look into the financial aspects and see the feasibility of taking an educational loan. Don’t let fortune tellers determine your course of action. You are your best fortune teller. If you believe you can do it, you will find a way to do it. And, even if you don’t make it to the top colleges, I am sure some other opportunities will open up for you. When one door closes, another one opens — we just need to look for it, and allow the possibility of it.
There are many students who focus on the professional entrance exams in preference to the Board exams, and they are comfortable with that choice. It is really your call. I am not a career counsellor and so will not be able to give you details on the course, and which course you should study. Yes, I have heard, that getting a pilot’s license is very expensive.
Good luck.

Put exams in perspective - Ask our Counsellor - April 13, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald on April 13, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am a PU II student. I was good in studies. But, now I think I am disturbed. I am wasting my time thinking about a girl. I want to concentrate on studies, but when I open my book, automatically my mind begins to think about her. I have large goals in my life.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am not sure whether you mean disturbed or distracted. The two emotions are very different.

If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you have big goals, then probably you have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later.

If you miss out on your career goals, nothing may fall into place later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome. If your goals are too big, and that is what is overwhelming you and allowing you to be distracted, then break them up into smaller, more manageable ones.

If on the other hand, you are disturbed, then I suggest you talk to someone you trust, or a counsellor, to identify why you are feeling the way you are.

Dear Madam

I am a student of Class 8. I feel tense when exams near. Please help.

Ashwathi

Dear Ashwathi

There is an urgent need for us to be able to put exams in perspective because many of us often feel too pressured, stressed, overworked, confused, depressed or just unable to cope, before an exam. And, this has nothing to do with how, or how much, they study.

I feel the anxiety stems primarily from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them.

The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. The important thing from any failure is to learn from it.

This may be contrary to what parents and teachers say – they probably say that failure is not an option. And, you must not view it as an option that allows you to get complacent. But, you must learn to view it in the perspective of your life. While going through a struggle, that struggle seems to be your whole life. You can read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html and http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html

Dear Madam,

I am a CA aspirant. When in school, I fell in love / had a crush (confused) with a class mate. I proposed to her. However, she said she liked me but not enough to marry me.

We chat through SMS’. I call her sometimes. Sometimes I feel I have a big ego as I get angry whenever she ignores me or when she doesn’t reply to my SMS’. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I am from a poor family and want to be a CA and keep my parents happy. I don’t want to lose her also. Please help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are confused, and don’t know whether to focus on your career or your relationship. As I have said in some of my earlier columns, if you choose to focus on your relationships at this stage, you may not get another chance to focus on your career.

And your career choices may also come down if you miss the boat. On the other hand, if you focus on your career now, you will have plenty of time to focus on your relationships later. Also, if you settle down well into your career, you may have many more relationship choices later. I want to also guard you against wanting to do CA to ‘keep my parents happy’.

You will spend the next 25-30 years of your life focussing on your career, so you need to have the right reasons to choose it. Yes, if you do well (financially) your parents will be happy, but that has to be a secondary fallout of your career success, not the primary cause for it. The primary cause has to be your desire to achieve something (whatever that is).

As far as your relationship is concerned, from what you described, it seems like very one-sided — you want it desperately, and she is neutral about it. For a long-term relationship to be successful it needs to be a relationship of equals, where both parties are as eager to enter into it.

I read this quote somewhere which I think is very applicable here — don’t make someone a priority in your life, if you are merely an option in theirs. If you are not comfortable talking to her, and prefer to communicate through SMS; if you don’t know what you want out of the relationship; if you don’t know whether this is love or infatuation; if you cannot express your feelings to her and hope to be understood, then it is probably better for you to treat this experience as a learning opportunity so that you have a better understanding of long-term relationships when you are ready to enter into one.

And, till then, focus on your CA and many relationship options will present themselves later.