Have a Clear Mind - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on January 12, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N

Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai

Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.

Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.

Have a Goal - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on December 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,

Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.

I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.

Sanjay S H

Dear Sanjay,

I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.

You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.

Dear Madam,

I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.

I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.

Disha

Dear Disha,

I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.

My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?

Sushmitha

Dear Sushmitha,

If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.

If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?

Chaithra

Dear Chaithra,

Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.

Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.

Good luck.

De-clutter your mind before you study - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following post, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 15, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.

First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.

To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .

You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.

All the best.