Be Courageous - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

(The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of December 25, 2014)


Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 12. I don’t have a confident personality because of which I can’t answer questions or even talk to my teachers in the classroom. I even hesitate to ask my doubts. I get nervous when my teachers ask me questions. Is there a way to overcome this fear?
ZA

Dear ZA,
I would like you to spend a couple of minutes trying to identify what your worst fear is – answering questions or clearing your doubts. If your teacher asks you something what is the worst thing that you think could happen? Often our fears are undefined and all encompassing. We are not able to identify them, and that allows them to become larger than life. Try to answer these questions and in the process, you will most probably realise that your fear is irrational and misplaced.
For example, the worst thing that could happen when you ask questions in class, is your friends or teachers may laugh at you. Or they may think that you are not particularly smart. You will realise that there are far worse outcomes possible in life, and this is relatively inconsequential. You don’t need to be ruled by the fact that someone may laugh at something you said, or that someone may think you are not very smart. That is their perception and does not become the truth. The problem is we start believing that what others think and feel about us is the truth and we start believing that.
You need to believe in yourself and your capability. It is not a crime to not know something, or to ask for a clarification. After all, if you knew everything then why did you need to go to school? So to believe that you should know everything and that if you don’t, somehow, you are not good enough is a fallacy. Have the courage to ask questions and make mistakes. Life is not about pretending to be perfect. It is about accepting who you are, believing in yourself, striving to grow and having the courage to ask for help.

Dear Madam,
I have failed in one of the subjects in II PUC. Unfortunately, I have never failed in any of my subjects till now. I am considering giving a re-exam. What do I do? My family is depressed for me and I feel my dreams are
shattered.
YS
Dear YS,
I would like you to remember that
failure is one of many events that will happen in your life. To allow one event define the rest of your life is not very helpful. When one door closes, another door will open, provided you allow yourself to let it.
By all means take a re-exam. It can be a fantastic learning opportunity. Try and look at the recent failures in your exam, and learn from it. Understand what you didn’t do, or could have done better. It is essential that you don’t
repeat the same mistakes. It is important to analyse the past situation and understand what went wrong and how you could have done better. And if you are able to do that, then this current failure would not have been a waste. It could turn out to be a learning moment for some important life lessons.
Don’t let one failure define you. And keep your larger goal and picture in mind. This exam is not the end-goal of your life. Life is a journey, and this is just one of the milestones along the way. This milestone may be a little crooked and off the mark, but that does not give it the power to define the whole journey as being crooked or off the mark. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying in 11th standard. I have taken up PCMB and I am confused about my future career choices. I do not have a clear idea as to which course to pursue after this. I love mathematics and I also aspire to be a socialite as I love social work, or a even a CEO. As this is an odd combination, I don’t know which way to proceed. Can I do BSc or are there any courses which relate to my
interests?
Nimisha
Dear Nimisha,
At a stage when you do not have clarity on what you would like to do in the long-term, it is good that your choice of subjects allows you to keep all your options open. Since you are unclear about which way to go, it may be helpful for you to define what success means to you. Success may be defined differently by different people. For some, it may mean attaining a designation (as in becoming a CEO) or it may mean enjoying the kind of work you do, or it may be defined by the amount of money you make and the lifestyle you live, or it may even be defined by the kind of impact you have either on society, or on your field of study, or even on any one person.
Try and define what kind of choices appeal to you. And a path you choose can have a combination of all the elements you have mentioned – social work, leadership management, maths and so on.
Understand your preferences and your values, and work backwards from there. Also remember, there may be many paths that may lead you to your end goal. Just one word of caution – a socialite is not someone who does social work, but rather one who enjoys living the high ‘social’ life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am an average student who scored 88 percent in 10th and 89 percent (PCB) and 79 percent (PCM) in 12th. I opted for engineering owing to my father’s pressure. Although my college is good, I am finding it hard to adjust to my studies. Moreover, I am in a digital branch, which is giving me troubles. I am tired of this autonomous system of failures – makeup exams, supplementary exams, backlogs and credits. I come from a middle-class family and this is my management seat. I don’t want to waste the money spent so far and have decided to join master’s in mass communication or journalism as I aspire to be a journalist. Is this the right decision?
A student

Dear student,
Often out of confusion emerges clarity. If there was no confusion, you would just continue on your path without thinking about it. The fact that you are confused is making you think about your options, choices, preferences and values. I understand that you are feeling bogged down with what is appearing to you to be a continuous spiral exams, and more exams, and this is causing you some frustration.
Please remember, that there are many paths to reach the same end goal. You want to be able to support your family and also do something that you enjoy and gives you satisfaction. There are many paths to achieving both these objectives, and both these objectives are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to achieve one at the cost of the other – you can do both. It is important to recognise and acknowledge if something is not working for you. It is okay to make a course correction mid-way if you realise you are on the wrong path, rather than stick to the wrong path all the time and continue to regret it. All the best.

Make your own choices - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appreared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 4, 2014]

Dear Madam,
I am an 18-year-old guy who passed SSLC with 92 per cent but scored only 60 per cent in IInd PUC. I am embarrassed by this. My father had to take a loan to get me a mechanical engineering seat. Consequently, there is a lot of pressure on me to perform well. Could you suggest me an effective timetable with which I can perform well? Also, I spend a lot of time chatting with my friends which distracts me. This is affecting my overall study schedule. Kindly help me out.
P Sai
Dear P Sai,
I understand that you recognise that your performance in IInd PUC was not up to your potential and that you are feeling embarrassed and pressured because your father had to take a loan to get you an engineering seat. You recognise that some of your slip-up in performance could be due to the fact that you are now distracted and spend a lot of time talking to friends, instead of focusing on your work. It is good that you have been able to identify one of the causes of your poor performance, because if you know the reason it is easy to address, if you want to.

It is not for me to make a study time table for you, It is for you to make your own timetable and commit to it. I can make a timetable which can be completely meaningless because it does not have your buy-in. Your problem is probably not a lack of capability, but rather the absence of focus and a key motivating factor. Find your motivation and you will automatically be spurred to work towards achieving it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 16 years old and in my first year of commerce degree. I am an average student and have scored 75 percent in SSLC. I am lazy and have no interest in studying. I get through the examinations by sticking to a strict timetable. But I find myself lost in the nonsensical thoughts most of the time. I spend the time for studying daydreaming. I wish to study well and put my educational qualifications to good use. Kindly suggest some helpful measures.
KV

Dear KV,
There is a time and a place for everything, including the nonsensical thoughts. It is quite natural for you to be distracted. Yet, it is good that you understand what the right path is for you and what will get you long-term results. If you know what works for you, then your problem is made simpler because you have a solution that works. If sticking to a timetable has worked for you in the past, then you should just replicate that model, while allowing time for distractions and maybe building it into your timetable. It is not necessary that you have to study all the time. It is important to focus and put in your best while you are studying and also keeping time for other things. Do remember all work and no play makes you dull. So, try to keep a healthy mix of both work and pleasure. I wish you all the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a 15-year-old girl. I finished my class 9 in an ICSE school with 74 percent results. I aspire to score more than 85 percent in my upcoming 10th board exams. But I am very nervous as I want to perform well. Suggest some helpful measures.SS
Dear SS,
When you feel nervous or anxious about an exam, take some time to understand what your worst fear is. Write down that fear, understand it and then set it aside. Let it not clutter up your active memory. I have written extensively in this column on exam anxiety, but I have also written an article which helps explain the demystify exam anxiety which can be found on my blog which is  www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. I urge you to take a few minutes to read it. Once you understand it, you can overcome it. Also remember, that the class 10 exams should not be your end goal. They are just a stepping stone on your journey in life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I'm studying in II PUC (science). My problem is I can't study for long hours at a stretch. I lose my concentration pretty soon. Can you tell me how to study for a long period of time and also how to revise for the exams?
Adarsh Kamble

Dear Adarsh,
I do not have any magic formula that can work for everyone. Each student needs to discover their own study technique that works best for them. If you are not able to concentrate for a long period of time at a stretch, then you must make your schedule such that you plan for short periods of focused time, with adequate breaks. It is not important to study all the time, and it is not a crime to take a break. Some people prefer to study in one long stretch and work for a couple of hours at a time.

Others work best in small chunks with breaks. Do what works best for you. As for revision, again, there are many techniques and you must discover what works for you. If you discover it on your own, you will commit to it. It is not something I can tell you how to do. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I failed my SSC exams owing to my difficulties in math and physics subjects. I studied hard for my re-exams and managed to clear all my papers. I am now scared to take up science again. But my family wants me to take up science while I am interested in arts. Kindly help me out here. Do I listen to my parents or my tutor who thinks I have potential in science?
Khadarabi M

Dear Khadarabi,
It is not for me to tell you which subjects you take. Your choice of subjects should be based on what is your end goal and what is the path you see yourself pursuing in your future. Whatever subjects you choose, you should choose them because you like them and want to do them, not because someone is suggesting them to you. But do remember that choices bring along great responsibilities. You then cannot blame anyone else if your performance is not up to the mark. So, take ownership of your future, and commit to it. And then follow your heart. All the best.

Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.

Figure out what your "best" is - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 14, 2014]



Dear Madam
I am doing my postgraduation in Gulbarga University (Gulbarga). My problem is in studies. I forget easily What I study and my mind feels disturbed during exams. Please give me a solution.
Pavan Pralhad

Dear Pavan
Anxiety due to, and during exams, is common and many people experience it. Know that you are not alone. And a lot of that anxiety is due to the fear of the outcome. We feel scared of what will happen if we don’t get “good enough” marks, and that fear fills up our mind space with worry, instead of the material we need to be studying and remembering. I had written an article exactly on this issue some time back, and it can be found on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.htmlAnalyse what your fears and worries around exams are. Express them and maybe put them down on paper. Essentially find a way to store them in some place other than your brain so that your brain is freed up for what you are studying. Writing down your fears and worries on paper often helps to free yourself from them.

Also try and understand if your fears are rational and what really would happen if you don’t do that well. Remember, if one door closes, another one will open, but provided you allow it to. Also remember, that you need to study to learn, not to get good marks. So study from the end objective of understanding, not remembering. And if you understand something the chance of forgetting it is much lower.

Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam
I am studying in class 10 in a CBSE school. I am able to learn and understand all subjects except maths. I have been working very hard for maths for one year and yet I am not able to do it properly during exams. I easily forget theorems and concepts, but this doesn’t happen with other subjects. I am planning to take PCM in 11th standard. And I am afraid - how can I study PCM if I am not able to do maths properly? I am very interested in taking PCM. Please help me.
Sudeshna

Dear Sudeshna

Again, you are not alone in feeling intimidated by maths. Something about the subject seems to get people to either love it or be scared of it, not hate it! I think it has something to do with the fact that since it is a subject in which you can score 100% marks, people feel pressured by it. The important thing to remember is that you need to do your best and that need not necessarily mean getting 100%. “The best” means different things for different people – for some it may mean getting 100% and for others it may mean getting 75%. It is for you to define what your “best” is and then to strive to work towards your “best”, not the “best” as it defined by someone else. Maths is also a subject which has the potential to get most affected if you are stressed because you may end up making a careless mistake. In any other subject a careless mistake may mean just a wrong spelling or something small like that, but in maths it may mean you get the whole answer wrong!

Maths is all about effort and understanding, and not about mugging. You will find that as soon as you are able to put your fear of maths aside, and free up your mind space from worrying about it, you will be able to relax and actually enjoy the subject. So don’t worry about the result. If you make a mistake take some time to understand the mistake and learn from it. After all what is the worst that can happen if you make a mistake? It is just a mistake, not the end of the world, or the end of your career, or a killer of your ambition. Sometimes we are scared of things because we attribute more meaning and significance to them than they actually deserve.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Dear Madam
I am presently studying in 9th standard in a CBSE school. The reason I am writing this is because I am really confused about what I should pursue in the future. I am inclined towards architecture and law. Can you please tell the other courses related to architecture and law? I am unable to decide which course I should take. My parents are putting a little pressure on me, especially my father. Please help me in zeroing in on a course.
Nidhi Athreya

Dear Nidhi

For a 9th Standard student, I find you remarkably focused on your future career. I think you still have plenty of time to decide on what your future subjects should be because you don’t need to make your choice till the 10th is over. Unfortunately, I am not a career counsellor and so I am not in a position to guide you on what subjects you should choose for your career choices. However, I do feel that if you stick with the maths and the sciences all your career options remain open for different career choices. Also for architecture, you must have a flair for drawing and a creative bent of mind to really excel in the field.

You need to be able to answer for yourself as to why you have shortlisted architecture and law? The route to both may be different in some ways but understanding the reasons for your choice will help you in your decision-making. Is it because those are the popular careers amongst other members of your families? Do you know someone in those professions? Have you been intrinsically interested in them or are you merely following what your parents are wanting you to do? Have you done anything outside of your regular school work which has told you that those professions are of interest to you? It may be helpful for you to try and intern with a lawyer and an architect over your vacations to get a real feel for what the work entails.

Take your time to decide. You still have time on your side so don’t limit your options right away. The fact that you are thinking about it is creditable so now make the best use of the time you have to explore these options while still giving yourself the chance to make other choices as well. All the best.

Life is a marathon; keep running - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 25, 2014]
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Dear Madam
My son is in the 8th standard. He is intelligent, smart and loving. However, he is a little stubborn and unwilling to accept failure in anything, including games. If reprimanded, he shows his unhappiness through anger, back answering etc. He does not have any inclination to systematic studies and is not keen to work seriously on anything. He almost always depends on what he has heard in the first instance in class, his intelligence and general information to deal with his subjects. He prefers to glance through his books. He likes music, books, general knowledge, sports and technology. I am not comfortable about pushing him in anything, including studies, but I do not want him to be irresponsible. We sent him to an alternative school but it did not work out. Is there anything that he can take up according to his inclination — something in art, drama, music — and come back to formal studies as and when he feels like it? If he finds a career that supports him for a reasonable living, we will be more than happy.
A Parent

Dear Parent

I do not have any input on types of schools and options for alternative careers and courses. I do have a question for you though, and that is around your hesitation to guide him, steer him and may be even push him a little bit. I get the sense that you feel there is something wrong in doing that. I believe that children need to know that there is someone in control who will let them fly on auto-pilot, but is there for a course correction as soon as it is needed. Children need to know that someone is in control to hold them if things don’t go right; that someone is there to show them the path if they need it; that someone is there to tell them when they are doing wrong. Otherwise how do they learn to differentiate right from wrong; good from bad? It is all very well to let them discover their path, but with the knowledge that should they stray too far away, someone will bring them back, rather than let them get lost in the jungle. So why are you afraid of holding the parental reins, and maybe tugging at them when needed? This is something for you to think about. As for your son, I would need to hear from him in order to be able to help him find his motivation. All the best.
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Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student (PCMB). I am not able to concentrate on studies and I get distracted very easily. I sometimes get bored of studying and ask myself, ‘For what do we have to study — is it just for 3 meals a day?’ I cycle to my college, which is about 5 km from home, and also to tuitions. Even though I have nutritious food, cycling makes me very tired and therefore I need about 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Due to this, I am not able to study daily and the portions pile up. I get worried when a friend says that he gets up at 3 am and is able to study because I am not able to. During exams my hands and feet sweat a lot. I am basically a slow writer and cannot complete the paper within the specified time. My Maths lecturer says it is necessary to study at least 5 hours in 2nd PUC. What can I do to overcome the above problem?
Vinayak 

Dear Vinayak
You need to find your own motivation and reasons to study, as well as your own method of studying that works for you. Don’t worry about how much the others are studying and what your teachers are saying. You need to figure out for yourself how much you need to do. It is not about studying for 5-6 hours, or about getting up at 3 am. All of that is useless if you are not concentrating and focusing on what you need to do. One hour of focused work may actually be better than 6 hours of distracted time-pass. I have written a lot in this column on the issue of exam anxiety and I would urge you to read the article on “Demystifying Exam Anxiety” on my blog http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html.
You are raising some fundamental questions about why we need to study, and I think that if you are able to answer that question for yourself (because each one’s reasons for the need to study will be, and should be, different), you will find the motivation that will help you to focus and concentrate. The studying for the exams is only the path to a larger goal. It is not your goal. So discover your goal and getting onto the path will become easier and more enjoyable.
All the best.
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Dear Madam, 
I read your column regularly. I am a 2nd year PCMB student. I had become very lethargic and was out of track from studies till January. From February, I started working really hard as I had a lot of syllabus to complete. I had high expectations of myself. My first paper was Chemistry. I was quite well prepared for my exams. I do not have the tendency to forget answers during the exams. But this time, I forgot most of the answers and did not do my Chemistry paper well. I was very depressed. Due to this I became seriously ill and I could not do the other papers. My ambition is to do MBBS. Now I have wasted a year. I secured 92% in SSLC. I was the college topper in 1st PUC. Due to this incident my confidence level has gone down. My family members are very supportive and have asked me to wait patiently for a year and take up higher-level medical entrance exams like AIIMS. But I feel I wasted one year due to foolishness. Please help me
M S

Dear M S
Many of us make mistakes, and many of us fail at various things that we try to do. That is a reality. But whether we let that failure define us as a total failure, or we use that failure as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, is our choice. You need to be able to put things in perspective. Yes, you may have lost a year. But in the totality of life, one year is but a small percentage. And if that year has taught you lessons in life, if on nothing else but on how to deal with failure, and how to view failure, then it may even be a year well spent.
So don’t worry about failures in your path. They are mere obstacles on your running track. You may trip over them, but you need to get up and run again, because life is not a sprint, but a marathon. Life is not about winning the race, but about running it well and finishing it. And in this marathon run, the fact that you have a supportive family that is not putting you down for your poor performance is a blessing you must not lose sight off. Be thankful for what you have, and just focus on the long haul. A small obstacle along the path should be viewed as just that – a small obstacle, not a giant boulder.Good luck!

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 4, 2014]

Do not be afraid

Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of “jealousy” and study with a cool mind.Please help me.
 
A student

Dear student

I understand that you are a very diligent and sincere student and you believe in putting in your hard work to get the results. You don’t believe in cheating and using unfair means and that is a great value to uphold. Ultimately, you are the one who is gaining the learning in the process.

You cannot control what others do and believe. You can only control your own actions and beliefs, and live by your own values. Obviously the values of the others don’t sit well with you which is why you are not following that path.

Remember, you will feel happy only when you are true to yourself, and live by values that you hold dear. The benefit in the process is that you gain the learning which others don’t. In the short-term you may feel they are better off because they are getting the marks without much effort. But, remember that in the long-term (and that is what matters), you will be richer in knowledge and have a better work ethic, and that is what will hold you in good stead in life.

Life is not about getting better marks than the others, it is about doing your best, and being your best and exploiting your true potential. You are not the one who should be getting jealous of them, they are the ones who should be jealous of you because you will be the winner in life.Good luck!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam, 

I am a girl studying in class 9. I have a problem connected with my studies. The problem is not in scoring marks. I always score above 95%. The problem is I study only at the time of my exams. During leisure time I don’t feel like studying at all. Sometimes my mind is diverted to all kinds of nonsense things. I do it having the knowledge that it is not good. Later I realise that it is harming me and I stop doing that. Do I need to practise some kind of meditation to concentrate on my studies? Please help me through this.

PH 

Dear PH

You should feel blessed that you are able to score well with a little bit of effort. You should celebrate this instead of feeling guilty about it. Imagine what you will be able to achieve with some more effort.

Having said that, it is not essential that you need to study all the time. If you were meant to study in it, you would not call it “leisure” time. You don’t need to feel guilty. Yes, if you are doing something harmful to yourself, or others, you should make a course correction. Ask yourself what you are gaining by doing that ‘nonsense’ activity. What is the “harm” that it is causing you? What are you gaining by causing that “harm” to yourself? When you are able to weigh the pros and cons, you would be able to make a more informed and wiser choice.

Meditation is proven to be helpful and these days mindfulness meditation is gaining a lot of popularity. It can’t hurt you and can only be helpful, so go ahead and start practicing it, anyway.All the best.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam,
 
I am a student of Class 12. I am not able to answer questions in class. For some reason I am low on confidence. I hesitate to clear my doubts. I cannot communicate with my teachers. When my teachers ask me questions, I get nervous and tense. I need to overcome this fear. Please help.

A student

Dear Student

You are not alone in having this fear. Many students have this fear. You need to ask yourself what are you scared off? What is your worst fear? If you ask your teacher something, what is the worst thing that can happen? Once you are able to identify what the worst possible outcome is, you will realise for yourself that, that is something you can probably live with and that it need not be so scary.

For instance, if you were to say that if you were to ask your teacher something in class, to clarify your doubt, the worst thing that could happen is that the teacher (or fellow students) may think you are dumb. And they may start laughing at you. My question to you is that if they do think you are dumb, does that mean that you are really dumb, or does that make you dumb.

That is something you need to ask yourself. What would make you give so much importance to their opinion of you, that you hold yourself back on their account? If for some reason they did end up thinking you are dumb, that does not become the reality. The reality is whatever you believe about yourself.

The universe just starts reflecting that. This is a relatively easy fear to overcome, and I suggest you work with a counsellor to help you, if you are not able to do it yourself. Remember, you need to believe in yourself and your capabilities, and your opinion of yourself is ultimately the only thing that matters. Don’t let others define you – define yourself! All the best