Reassess yourselves - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following questions answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on May 7, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I have just completed my class XII Board exams (CBSE) and am now preparing for AIPMT 2015. My aim is to get into AFMC, Pune and join the Armed Forces as a doctor. The problem is that I've completely lost interest in studies. It was never like this before. I loved studying, especially Science, and I used to get very good marks, as well. But now studies have become a tedious task. And naturally, marks have suffered. I’ve just not been able to perform well this year. Neither have I performed well in the Boards. My confidence has crashed and no matter how much I try, I’m not able to lift myself up from the mess that I’m in. I've been a very lonely person since class VI and no matter how much I try, I've never been able to make friends.

Good marks were the only reason I was able to keep my head high, but now, since I've lost that also, I feel very dark, dead and depressed. I feel like I’m trapped and I’m just not able to concentrate on my studies. I’m with my books all the time but knowledge is farther than ever. And somehow in the long run, I've developed the habit of procrastinating.

I've never achieved the goals I set for a single day because of this habit. No matter how much I try, I'm not able to get that old zeal and fire for studies. I really want to become a doctor (a surgeon) and serve my country. But my goal now seems to be very distant. Please help me.
A student

Dear student
Thank you for reaching out for help, and there are many things in your letter that I feel you may need help with. You have talked about your loneliness since the sixth standard and how your sense of worth was based on your marks. That is what gave you the confidence to face the world. And now you are feeling that you are losing that and therefore your future is appearing dark and bleak. I am not sure which city you live in, but if you have access to a counsellor, I think you will be able to derive a lot of benefit – in building your self-esteem, and in understanding your fears and distractions, and therefore learning to focus. You will also get help in addressing your issue of loneliness. Alternatively, you can call the free counselling helpline for young adults set up by Parivarthan. For this you can call the number 080 65333323 and a counsellor at the other end will support you.

My analysis is that because your whole sense of self-worth is based on your marks, as the time for the big tests is approaching, you are getting increasingly stressed and anxious about it, which is preventing you from focusing on your task at hand. Helping you understand your fears and anxieties will go a long way in reducing your stress around these exams. I have written extensively on this topic in my blog, and you may also want to reference some of the articles there – See a Lion in the Mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html ); Putting Exams in Perspective (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ); It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).

Dear Madam 
I am studying in class XI with a combination of PCMB. I got an 8.4 CGPA in the class X. I always get distracted when I study or listen to teachers either in class or tuition, so I am not able to concentrate on my studies. As I will be entering class XII soon and this year will be very crucial for me, I need to work hard and get good marks. Please help me. Thank you.
Jayanth

Dear Jayanth
I would like you to spend some time to understand your motivation for studying and getting good marks. Is it something that you ‘need’ to do because of societal and parental pressure, or is it something that you ‘want’ to do because of your own inner drive to do well and excel in whatever you are attempting. Till such time that you do it, because it is an external need and expectation from you, you are doing it to keep other people happy. And that is a big pressure, because no matter what you do, other people may still not be happy. However, if it is because of your own internal motivation, then you do it because of the joy and satisfaction it gives you and that does not put any external pressure on you. So try and understand why you say you ‘need’ to get good marks, and how you can move from feeling that external pressure to a state where you would ‘like’ to get good marks for your own satisfaction. This shift in perspective will reduce the negative effects of stress that are not allowing you to focus, and will allow you to benefit from the positive effects of having some stress and pressure that motivates you to work hard and give it your best shot.
All the best.

Dear Madam
I secured 89.17% in my I PUC. I joined a nearby tutorial for II PUC. I would like to pursue engineering and then do an MBA in an IIM or any other reputed university. I am clear about my career, but I am quite afraid about KCET which I am going to write in April 2016. Since I am not going to CET coaching, I am a bit tense about whether I will be able to do it. I also wanted to know if an engineering college and its reputation matters in any way for my career? My mom says all colleges are the same. Is it true? My home, college and tuition place are quite far. Since my tutorials start at 6 am, I have to get up at 4 am. After the tutorials get over at 8 am, I leave for college and have something to eat. My college finishes at 4 pm and I return home with my sister by 6 pm. I am scared of the lack of time to prepare for my CET. Is a crash course enough for CET? Please guide me. I am really confused and worried. Sorry for such a long list of queries.
Aishwarya S Rao

Dear Aishwarya
I can sense your shortage of time, and how tiring such a long day must be for you. I cannot give you any input on which course is good and what is enough. But I do know that it is important to be able to have some time to de-stress in the day, otherwise all your effort may be counter-productive. It may be more helpful for you to do some amount of self-study and spend less time commuting and getting tired. Think about it.

As for which college is good and whether all colleges are the same, it is true that some of the more prestigious college open better doors for you in the job market. However, having said that, it is important to remember three things:

1. Your success in your career will not depend only on your marks in these, and other, exams. It will depend on your other, more important, soft skills like communication skills, ability to be part of a team, ability to lead a team, ability to think creatively and out of the box, ability to problem-solve, ability to handle pressure and so on. 

2. A particular college may open some doors for you, but being successful at those opportunities that come up,and making the most of them is in your hands and has very little to do with the marks in your exams.

3. If one door closes, another one will open – only you have to allow yourself to see it.
Hope this helps.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I completed my BCom in 2009 and after that I took up the CA course. After  much struggle I completed my IPCC and I’m now in the final course. But in the Final too, I am struggling to complete. After six attempts also, I couldn't pass the CA Final exam and now I have my lost patience to complete CA.

After analyzing why I am not able to pass, I realized that I was most interested in Computer Science Engineering. But due to some unavoidable situations, and a few people saying that engineering is more competitive and has less job opportunities, they made me take up CA.

Now I’m really confused about my future. I’m planning to switch over to CS engineering from CA. My question is whether there is any scope to switch over to software engineering and will I be successful after taking up engineering. And what courses should I complete to become a successful professional, and how much time will it take to do so.

I don’t know today’s scope in computer science, and I request you to provide me the trend in computer science in upcoming years. I’m eagerly waiting for your valuable suggestions.
Vijay Kumar

Dear Vijay Kumar
I am not a career counsellor and so will not be able to give you any inputs on which course is good, how long it will take, and what are the prospects after it. I do, however, feel that after spending six years doing CA, if you want to change your field to engineering now, you will have to start from the very beginning, and you must be comfortable with the fact that all your colleagues and class mates will be 6 years younger than you. Both these situations can be very challenging, unless you are prepared for them. Also, how have you ascertained that your interest is actually computer science engineering, and how are you going to overcome the hurdles that field will throw up. I am not even sure you can go down that path with a Commerce background. 

Given that you are in the last mile of your CA, you may want to persist and at least finish that before going another path. All your options will still be open after you finish that. Finishing it will give you a sense of satisfaction that you have not wasted six years in terms of qualifications.

Before changing, it may be wise for you to spend some time on self-reflection and understanding yourself better – what are your strengths and weaknesses, what are the opportunities available to you, and what are the roadblocks you may encounter? It is not that changing the line of study is a problem, but in your case you may need to do a cost-benefit analysis and see if you are better off spending that time studying engineering, or engaging in some entrepreneurial activities. There are many success stories of entrepreneurs who do not have degrees to back them.
Good luck!

Does hitting impact the mental health of your children?

[The following article written by me was carried on the website of the White Swan Foundation http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/does-hitting-impact-the-mental-health-of-your-children/]

Children are routinely hit, at home and at school. After all, that is the most effective way to discipline them, isn’t it? Well, it certainly is the easiest way. How effective it is, is a whole different story.
I have met several children who are routinely hit for the slightest misdemeanor on their part. And adults who were hit when they were children – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod (as I mentioned in my last column). Apart from the fact that this gets me really agitated (and is really my issue to deal with), I began to think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to hit their children, and the psychological and emotional impact of this on their children.
So why would a parent physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons.

One of these, and a very significant one, is that that was the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know to discipline their own children. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but if they took a minute to recollect those instances, those feelings of many years ago would resurface: the fear, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the feeling of not being good enough, the sadness, and yes, even the hatred for those who used to hit them!

The second reason is anxiety and helplessness — anxiety about their child’s performance and future, and helplessness at their inability to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety of what will become of their child in the future, and probably above all, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stresses, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with life and this is their way of expressing their anger. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, be expressing their anger onto their children, who feel powerless to respond. This may make the parents feel more in control of their actions, at a time when they feel helpless and out of control in the face of other situations.

There are several myths surrounding the ‘need’ to resort to hitting, and its importance, in bringing up children. Some parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful of them. This makes them feel in control. On the contrary, though, these children may end up believing that their parents are completely ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their ability to guide and mentor them.
Some parents believe that if they beat their child, the child will be scared of them, and will be able to focus on work, achieve something in life, and stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track, and do exactly what they want, just ensuring that their parents never come to know of it! The child feels motivated to do ’wrong’ behind the parents’ back. Fear also distracts the child and stops them from being able to concentrate. Fear may motivate them enough to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

Some parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way. It teaches them that violence is okay. It teaches them that they don’t need to respect the feelings of others. It teaches them that they are not worthy of being liked or respected.

Some parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this only results in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. For disciplining to be effective, consequences must be known ahead of time, and there must be certainty of their being enforced a hundred per cent of the time.

Some parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehavior. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. And this involves a completely different shift in mindset for the parents. The painfulness of the hitting becomes completely irrelevant. The knowledge around certainty of punishment becomes more important than its randomness and painfulness.

So, there are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to hitting as a way of parenting and instilling discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, children learn that violence is an acceptable reaction to a trigger, and so start practicing it themselves. They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, and become targets for others. They work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They may slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a duty-bound relationship with their parents, as opposed to a relationship built on love, connection, communication, trust and caring.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties and the short-comings of your past, whether that means practicing meditation, talking to a friend, or seeking the help of a counsellor. Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behavior.

I would prefer to believe that parents hit their children mindlessly; that it is an automatic response to a momentary stimulus, rather than a thought-out action with the intent of hurting their child. And, therefore, this is an attempt at making parents aware of the possible long-term implications of these momentary thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behavior, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

Seek help when you need - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appreared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of April 16, 2015]

Dear Madam,

I am doing in my fourth semester of engineering (Medical Electronics). As I had done my Diploma earlier, I got a BE seat directly in the second year. I am an above average student but found it difficult to cope with my subjects. Also, due to ill health during the exams, I did not fare well and had five backlogs. I lost a year. I am very depressed and I cannot come out of this depression. When I think about it, I feel scared and cannot stop my tears. I have never had backlogs before and have always performed well. I have cleared the backlogs but feel low about going back to college. I cannot concentrate as before. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again.
Worried Student

Dear Worried Student
I understand your worry about the future,  your fear and that you are very depressed because the performance you had in the past year was not the kind of performance that you were used to and had come to expect of yourself. Given that your depression around this issue has persisted for some time, and still makes you cry, I suggest you see a counsellor for a few sessions to help you gain a new perspective on the way you are interpreting things.

If you do not have access to a counsellor, feel free to access a counsellor at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. You may also benefit from a psychiatric evaluation of your depression to see if medication for depression will help you feel better. People make mistakes, and do not always perform at their peak performance level all the time. Making mistakes if normal. But we need to be able to learn from our mistakes and bounce back, rather than get stuck with our fear. I believe counselling will help you move past this phase of your life.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
This is about my nephew who is in class IX. He is good at studies. However, his parents are very worried about his irresponsible, childish behaviour and  the way he talks to others. This is true to a certain extent. The parents keep advising him and when he turns a deaf ear to them, they get depressed and scold him. I do not want my nephew or his parents to suffer from a long-term effect due to this. Is this a common problem, which will fade away? How do they tackle this? Should they meet a counsellor?
Sindhu

Dear Sindhu
It is touching to see your concern about your nephew. Yes, it is common amongst adolescents. The teenage years are the time in life when teenagers try to discover and create their own identify, as one that is different from that of their parents, or from that which their parents want them to have. In this process of ‘individuation’, they need to necessarily hold their own and not accept every piece of advice and instruction that is given to them. I think parents need to understand this behaviour as a feature of adolescence and the adolescents’ process of creating an identity for themselves, as opposed to an attack on them. When parents are able to gain this perspective, then this behaviour is not that anxiety-provoking any more.

I definitely think it will be helpful for the parents to go for a couple of counselling sessions where they are able to talk about their fears, anxieties and challenges. If this does not help in changing the way they are working, behaving, thinking and feeling about their son’s behaviour then they could also explore some family counselling sessions with their son.

Dear Madam,
I am 23 years old. I have not yet passed my II PUC, as I was not interested in studies at that time. I have joined B Sc (IT) through correspondence. I have been working as a Dialler Specialist for the last three years. I have totally worked for five years now. I really don’t know what to do next? If I apply for a different job they ask for a degree. I am really confused.
Sameera

Dear Sameera
I am not a career counsellor and as such cannot give you any inputs around what career paths you can follow. But I do think that if you look for a job in the formal corporate world, you will need a degree, and the absence of one will always prove to be a roadblock in your growth within the organisation, and will reduce the options open to you.

So you can either, pursue your formal education now, and get the degrees that you need, or you can choose alternative paths of growth and livelihood by setting up your own business. I think it would be helpful for you to do some introspection and understand yourself better – what are your strengths and weakness;, what are the areas you are interested in; do you have any hobbies and passions that you can convert into a means of livelihood; what are your goals and aspirations; how would you define success for yourself; etc. Answering these questions for yourself, either on your own, or with the help of a trusted adult, may help you raise options that you can explore. Remember, there are many paths to success, and there are also many definitions of success. You must find one that fits you.

It's your life - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 26. 2015]

Dear Madam,
I graduated in 2013 (BBM/BBA) and have worked as an accountant for two years. Currently, I am pursuing SAP (FICO). My average score was 45 per cent. Due to my low score, I haven’t got the opportunity to face an interview. What do I do to boost my opportunities and confidence?
Potential employee

Dear potential employee,
I want you to remember that success in the workplace has nothing to do with the marks in your exams. The marks may sometimes open some doors of opportunity for you, but they cannot ensure your success. Success in the workplace depends more on other softer skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your ‘can do’ attitude, you willingness to ‘learn’, your ability to think out of the box, your creativity and problem-solving skills, your ability to work in a team, and your ability to take on leadership roles, among other things. 

So, your marks may not have as much of a role to play as how and what you communicate in the actual interview itself. Your marks are not a reflection of your capability or ability, they are only an objective measure of how well you knew the answer to some questions that you were asked. 

So, don’t let the fact that you did not get ‘good enough’ marks stop you, or block you. You need to believe in yourself, and your ability. You need to know your strengths, and from that gain strength about how you feel about yourself. Also, you need to know your weaknesses and accept those that you don’t want to change, and change those that you would like to change. And this understanding of who you really are will give you the belief in yourself to carry on. I have written extensively on this topic in this column in the past as well. You could also read my article See a lion in the mirror on my blog - www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

Dear Madam, 
I am currently in first year of PUC (PCMC). My SSLC score is 73 per cent. Since my relatives have scored 90 per cent and above in their exams, my parents expect the same from me. Due to the huge amount of pressure, I can’t focus on my studies anymore. I aspire to take up engineering. Kindly help me out.
A student

Dear student, 
Remember, your motivation to do well must come from within because you want to do well, not because you need to keep your parents happy. At the end of the day, you should be able to tell yourself that you put in your best effort, irrespective of what marks you get. Because if you don’t do that you will feel bad about having let an opportunity go by, and you will look at yourself in the mirror and not like what you see. You must give it your best shot, because you want to, and because you want to prove yourself to yourself – not to your parents or your cousins or other relatives. 

This is about your life, and about your feeling satisfied with what you have done. It is about not short-changing yourself; it is about achieving your potential, not striving to reach someone else’s benchmarks. Give it your best shot and don’t focus on the marks. 
Focus on putting in an honest effort that will give you a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day. If the marks follow, that’s a bonus. If not, there will be several opportunities that will come your way if you are willing to work to your potential. Marks just open some doors, they don’t guarantee success. Your short-term goal may be to get into a good engineering college, but your long-term goal should logically be to become a good engineer (which may have nothing to do with which college you go to). All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in Class 12 (commerce). I don’t have much aptitude for CA. To pursue MBA in finance, would it be good to do BBM or BCom? Also, I follow astrology. So, should I go by my stars or should I believe in my abilities? 
Solanki

Dear Solanki,
I am not a career counsellor, and certainly not an expert on which course you should do, but I do know that there is no substitute for believing in yourself, and unleashing the power within you to help you achieve your potential. However, that sometimes seems like a scary option because it involves, then, taking responsibility for our decisions and actions. Believing in astrology gives us an escape route which allows us to blame our stars if things do not work out.

Dear Madam,
I have appeared for my first PU exams and I believe my score will be below 80 per cent. Till date, I haven’t felt the need to attend any tuition classes but the thought of entrance exams after II PU frighten me. Also, whenever my parents try to advise me about my performances, I lose my temper and fight. Due to this, I have lost interest in studies. Kindly suggest some measures to help me control my temper and regain my interest in studies.
CK 

Dear CK,
If you are trying to understand your anger, remember that anger is a secondary emotion. You don’t just get angry. You get angry, because some other primary emotion is not being expressed and need is not being fulfilled. For instance, you may be feeling scared and anxious about the future, worried about your performance, apprehensive about your ability to succeed, nervous about your exams, and so on. But none of these emotions are 
expressed, they keep simmering inside you till you cannot hold them any longer, and then they burst out on your parents, whenever they say something that may increase them. Quite like a volcano. You can read more about this in my article at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/search?q=get+a+grip+on+anger.

The important thing then, is not to ‘control’ your temper but to recognise its underlying primary emotions, and learn how to express the in a way that is helpful to you, and not hurtful to the others around you. For this, you many need the help of a trusted adult, or a counsellor. You could also try calling the free Parivarthan Counselling helpline at 080-65333323080-65333323, where you can speak to a trained counsellor who may be able to help you work through your anger. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I fancy this boy in my college. He’s really popular and I am a shy person. I am sure that if I say anything to him, his friends will know about it and I would be embarrassed. Can you suggest a way, wherein I could drop in a hint but not give the game away?
Nina

Dear Nina,
You say that you are really shy, and that is what I am going to address. What is your worst fear which is making you shy? What do you fear will happen if you were to speak to him? It is often important to name the fear, and understand it in greater detail. Very often, in that process you may realize that the importance you are attaching to it may indeed be misplaced, in which case it may lose its sting and not be so fearful anymore.

So to repeat my question, what do you imagine would be the worst thing that could happen if you were to speak to him. You mention that his friends may come to know and that would be embarrassing. Something is embarrassing only if you are doing something ‘wrong’ or ‘improper’ and it gets discovered. Liking a person of the opposite sex is not ‘wrong’ or ‘improper’ or a crime. It is quite a normal thing for someone of your age.

So, have confidence in yourself, and take a risk. After all nothing in life is gained without taking a risk. And if you need some help to boost up your confidence before you take the risk then call the free counselling helpline that I have mentioned in the previous question and speak to a counsellor who may assist you work through your fears and anxieties around this issue.

Building Blocks - Are your frustrations affecting your child's mental health - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

[This piece by me was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-your-frustrations-affecting-your-childs-mental-health/]

In my introductory piece, I had promised to explore the link between parenting and mental health, so here’s my take on the possible impact of a parent’s frustrations on a child’s mental health.

An adolescent child (in Standard 6) was sent to me by her teacher because of poor academic performance. The teacher felt she was very distracted and unable to focus and, having spoken to the parents a few times, she thought there may be more to the child’s problems than met the eye. So this young girl came to meet me and fortunately we were able to connect quite quickly.

 On a little bit of probing, this young girl showed me some scars on her legs. Those were scars from her mother using a hot iron rod on her. I was unsettled. No matter how experienced you are as a counsellor, some situations still have the power to leave you numb. This was one such. Being a mother, with a daughter of almost a similar age, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. 

This needed a lot of work. I was preparing myself for the long-haul. I decided to meet the parents to understand the complete picture, or at least however much they would share with me. What could possibly compel a mother inflict such pain on her child?

After some persistent calling, the parents finally came. I learnt that the parents were both working full time. When the child’s academic performance started dropping, and she was assessed for a learning disability, the school called the parents and informed them of the need for more personalized attention. The school also started putting subtle pressure on the mother to pay more attention to the child. The mother, frustrated, gave up her full time job to attend to the child.

What were her frustrations? They were not only about having to give up her job for the sake of the child, but also around gender equations (why does the mother have to compromise on career and not the father?); self-esteem (having the external validation that a job could provide, and parenting could not); dissatisfaction with her marital relationship (why did the husband pressurize her to leave? Why does he not give her the validation she needs?); and anger at her parents/in-laws (why couldn’t they come and attend to her child?) 

So much baggage! And there was probably more, but we could only get that far in our short time together since she didn’t come back after the first session.

And who was bearing the brunt of this baggage? An unsuspecting 13-year-old child who couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why her mother hated her so much, when all her friends’ mothers seemed to adore their children. This child lived in fear of not knowing when her mother would lash out at her; she lived in pain – emotional and physical. And having been conditioned not to wash the family’s dirty linen in public, had no one to talk to and lighten her burden. She thought she was a curse to the family and that she was not good enough. It is no mystery, at least not to me, about why the child was so distracted in school.

I never met her after the first couple of sessions, because the parents chose to change her school. They did not come back, either for individual sessions or for family sessions which I was pushing hard for. After all, the school was the problem, not them!

Several questions remained with me, some of which I will raise here. 

How would the situation have changed had the mother chosen to confront her own issues by recognizing them, accepting them and addressing them? I don’t for a moment grudge the mother her frustrations. Of course, they are valid. But if she had chosen to address them, she may not have been driven to pour them out onto her child. And the first step towards addressing them is recognizing them, acknowledging them, accepting them and then understanding what’s going on.

What has been the long-term impact of this dumping of personal frustration on the child’s mental health and wellbeing? While I have no data, I can only speculate. She may grow into an adult with very low self-esteem which will impact her future relationships, both on the personal and professional front. She may not be able to trust other relationships in her life. She may not achieve her potential because she will not have the safety net that is so essential to be able to step out of her comfort zone. She may become an overly anxious adult. And worse still, she may perpetuate the cycle of dumping her own frustrations on her children – having not known or experienced any other form of parenting herself.

For all you know, the mother was just perpetuating her own experience of growing up, as well.The sooner we recognize the pattern, and break the cycle, the sooner we can reclaim the wellbeing of our children. In the interest of our children’s mental health, let’s grab the reins and take the task of confronting our frustrations into our own hands. If not for ourselves, at least for our children. It’s not that we should not feel frustrated, or that it is wrong to feel that way. Getting frustrated by various situations is normal and natural. But just being mindful of that frustration and what it is leading us to do, will help us rein it in when needed.

The example I have given may seem a bit extreme, and we may tend to think that it does not relate to our situation, and therefore, we don’t need to pay attention to it. Yes, it is extreme, and the reason it stayed with me is precisely because of that. But sometimes to pay heed to something we need an ‘extreme’ reminder. The frustrations could come in much milder forms as well – a single mother trying to cope with the recent loss of her husband, having to bring up two adolescent children and hold herself together all the time; a mother having to focus equally on all of her five children while the father is away in another country; a step mother needing to prove her worth in her marital relationship by ensuring her step-child does well in academics; a stay-at-home mother fearing the loss of control and the loss of the purpose of her existence as her last child prepares to flee the coop. It could be anything, just anything. 

Frustrations come in many forms – we need to recognize them, accept them, and own them as ours. Let’s spare our children from them.

Pursue your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column,  answered by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 5, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I passionate about music and aspire to make a career in it. But since my parents weren't supportive of this, I joined an engineering course. But my focus in engineering is getting diverted due to my music classes. Consequently, my results are suffering. I am under a lot of stress. Kindly help me out. Prateek M

Dear Prateek,
I think it is important for you to be able to pursue your passion, if you truly believe in it. But you must be able to convince yourself, and those around you, that is truly what you would like to do. Build out a plan on how you are going to pursue your music, and how you are going to build a sustainable livelihood based on it. In the process of this plan, you may realize that building a livelihood on music is not practical, in which case you must have a Plan B. Or you may realize that it is possible to have a steady source of income based on music, in which case you must share that plan with your parents to put their fears to rest. After all, your parents are concerned for your well-being and their anxieties and pressure stems from a genuine desire to ensure you have a secure future. 

If you can share a detailed plan with them on how music will let you do that, while at the same time allowing you to follow your passion, they will be more than happy. It is possible that at the present moment they see it only as a distraction from your studies and are therefore, concerned about where you are headed. So, to reduce your own stress, and allay the fears of your parents, you must flesh out the plan of a life based on music and see where it takes you. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of my computer science engineering course. My communication skills are weak and I don’t have the confidence to talk to someone in English. Even during classes, I hesitate to clear my doubts because of this. How can I improve my communication skills? Ray

Dear Ray,
I understand that you are scared to ask any question in class because you are not confident about your English speaking skills. Ask yourself what is your worst fear around this? What is the worst thing that you think may happen if you were to ask something in class, and your English was less than perfect. Remember, no one is perfect and no one gets things right every time. The only way to learn is by making mistakes and learning from them. You did not learn to walk without ever falling down. But now that you have learnt to walk, aren't you thankful for the fact that you took the risk of falling while learning. In the same way, take the risk of making a mistake while speaking, because confidence only comes with knowledge and practice. And to aid you in the process, try speaking English whenever you are with people you are comfortable with (like your friends and family). Make speaking English your mantra – each time, every time. You could also join a class to help you get some confidence. Force yourself to read English newspapers, magazines and books. Listen to the English news and other programmes on television as well. But there is no short-cut to speaking. So take the risk and speak. After all what is the worst that can happen? Nothing more than a couple of inconsequential laughs which will soon be forgotten. 

Are you going to let the fear of some inconsequential person laughing at you for a moment, hold you back in life from achieving your potential? Think about it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 21 years old. I have a backlog in my final year B.Sc course (physics, mathematics and electronics), which I will clear this year, in June. My dad wants me to do B.Ed (a teachers’ training course), which I am not interested in. So, I have decided to work, earn some money and later pursue courses of my choice. But my dad isn't comfortable with me working night shifts or anywhere outside Bengaluru. So, what kind of a job should I look for? Chaithra N

Dear Chaithra,
I am not a career counsellor, nor do I run a placement service, so I will not be able to tell you what kind of job to apply for and how to go about it. Nor can I tell you how to continue your studies further. However, I do believe you should do what you heart tells you to, and what you are good at. Even though you may not think so, it is possible to communicate with parents and discuss your options, understand their point of view and explain your own. You are allowed to have a point of view, and express it, though sometimes as children we are told that we need to only follow what are parents say. 

So, my suggestion would be to understand why your parents want you to do what they want you to do. Then understand for yourself, why you do not want to do that, and why you think the path you are choosing is better. Then understand your strengths and weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and limitations ahead of you. In this self analysis, things will become clearer to you about what path will work. Try and take up a job that leverages on your strengths and is of interest to you. It is not about searching for a job. It is about building a career. A job is a short-term goal. A career will stay with you for life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I currently in my final semester of mechanical engineering. I am quite good at studies and have no backlogs and have an overall distinction CGPA. In about two months, I will graduate and I haven’t appeared for any campus interviews as most of them are for software companies and I wish to work in a core mechanical company. But my real passion lies in boxing. I have been boxing since I was 18-years-old. I don’t have any personal coach but I am pretty good at this sport and wish to make my mark as a boxer. But not many opportunities have come my way in this field. So, should I look for a mechanical engineering job or follow my passion? Are there any options where I could do both? Adithya Kashyap

Dear Adithya,
I am not someone who can guide you on opportunities that are available in boxing because I do not have any knowledge in that field. However, it is important that you be able to build for yourself a sustainable livelihood with whatever field you choose. If you can visualize that with boxing, by all means go for it. However, if you cannot, then it may be in your interest to pursue it as a hobby. Maybe you can ensure your linkages with the sport in a way that helps build the environment for it for coming generations. Maybe you can work with a company that will give you the opportunity to also build on your passion. Maybe you can become a coach yourself. 

You must visualize your life as a boxer and see what you like about it and dislike about it. Visualize your life as an engineer and do the same. Talk to people who are already in both the fields and see what they have to say about it. Identify your strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Define what success means to you and see if which career path will align you better with your definition of success. Career choices are personal and best made after some serious self-analysis and introspection. And take whatever help you need in this process. All the best.