The following queries answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt February 10, 2011
Dear Madam
I am a Class 12 student. I got very good grades in my Class X exam but my grades dropped in Class XI. Since then I have become careless. I tend to waste my time using Facebook and Twitter. I have large goals in my mind. Please help me out.
Distracted Student
Dear Distracted Student,
You say that you have large goals in your mind. The only way to achieve them is to work towards them. Sometimes, when the goals are too large you tend to get overwhelmed by them and in the process tend to get distracted easily. You may feel that what you are chasing is too large and too difficult, and you don't know how to do it. It seems easier for you to take a break for a while, or rest for a while, with your distractions (i.e. your online activity). If that is the case, I suggest you break your goals into smaller, more manageable targets which are easier to achieve. As you achieve each target you have a feeling of success and satisfaction that motivates you to move to your next target.
Let me illustrate with an example. If your goal is to get to the top of a mountain (like Mt. Everest) you may feel overwhelmed at the thought. Where do you begin? How do you do it? etc. However, if you break this goal into multiple smaller goals, the task appears more manageable and less overwhelming, For example your smaller goals could be - join a regular trekking club for local treks around Bangalore; join a group trek going up to the foothills of the Himalayas; get physically fit; raise enough money; trek up to the Everest base camp at 17,600 ft from Lukla; scale the Khumbu Icefall to reach Camp 1 up to 19,500 feet; reach Camp II at 21,300 feet; scale the Lhotse Face and climb to Camp III at 23,500 feet; climb to Camp IV at 26,300 feet; finally reach the summit. Breaking the large goal into multiple smaller goals gives you a roadmap of the path you need to follow. You can then focus on the path and not feel lost (quite like if you were trying to reach an unknown place without a map).
Having this map helps you stay focussed, and gives you a sense of accomplishment after every step. This propels you towards achieving your next step. Now's the time for you to stay focussed. There is plenty of time for distractions later. Identify what is overwhelming you and break it down. All the best.
Dear Madam
My son is in Class XII. He has been doing well academically so far and was focussed about wanting to become a doctor. Now suddenly, he has lost focus and is keen on pursuing a career in photography. How do I steer him back on course? He is going to waste his life and doesn't see any merit in what I am saying.
Anxious mother
Dear Anxious Mother,
What would it mean to you if your son took up a career in photography? I would like you to think about this, before answering. Would it mean that you have been a failure as a parent because you have not been able to steer your son towards a traditionally accepted career. Had he chosen to become a doctor, would you have felt more validated as a parent? The important thing is to be able to steer your child towards a path of excellence in whichever career he chooses. Would you rather he became a doctor, hated it, and remained miserable all through his working life, because of a wrong career choice (made for him by you). Or would you rather, he became a top-notch photographer, loved his work, and enjoyed every minute of his career. If he chooses his path, he is not going to hold you responsible for his success or failure at it. If you choose his path, he is going to hold you responsible for his failure at it (should it happen).
As parents we have anxieties about our children’s future success (as we define it). I think it is important for us to deal with our anxieties and learn to handle them, so that they don’t colour our relationship with our children. Your unresolved anxieties don’t need to be passed on to your child.
Friday, 18 February 2011
Thursday, 3 February 2011
My Child Should be...
[The following article was published in Deccan Herald on February 3, 2011]
POSITIVE PARENTING Children need to find their own purpose and create their own path. Parents should merely support them in this process of searching for their self, writes Maullika Sharma
In my counselling practice, and in the various workshops I conduct on different aspects of parenting, I often meet parents who have a clearly mapped out future path for their children — every milestone documented (or at least etched in their mind). Their children must follow that path if they are to have a happy and successful future (and therefore, life).
However, children are here in the world, to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for their self and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly. According to Brian Tracy, an American TV Host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.”
As enlightened parents we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring glory to us. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path.
So if you have any such expectations, it is imperative that you open up the windows of your mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for your child.
There is a controversy raging in the Western press these days about the Chinese style of parenting, vs, the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented, disciplinarian and loaded with the highest expectations of their children in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend a sleepover; have a play date; be in a school play; complain about not being in a school play; watch TV or play computer games; choose their own extracurricular activities; get any grade less than an A; not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama; play any instrument other than the piano or violin; not play the piano or violin (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html). The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings, self-esteem, etc. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers.
A quick Google search in the Classical Composers database threw up just 20 ‘Chinese’ composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing. While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, the ability to learn on the job, the ability to problem solve, the ability to be a team leader, and a team player (in formal and informal team structures), the ability to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of these get tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.
So if you expect your child to get a hundred per cent, and she lives up to your expectation, she may still not be a success in life, and in the work place. Do you want her to succeed in her exams, or do you want her to succeed in life? It is a decision you may need to take as a parent, because the paths to both may be completely different.
Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations. No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone and try out new things. All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks and performance.
Expectations should be about behaviour, not performance. Expectations should about your child's putting in their best effort; about learning; about living by values that you help your child believe in; about your child pushing the boundaries and limits of his or her capabilities; about being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; about having dreams and aspirations; to mention just some of the few drivers for excellence in today's world.
So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief of who they really are! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of non-acceptance.
And, what can we expect as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”
POSITIVE PARENTING Children need to find their own purpose and create their own path. Parents should merely support them in this process of searching for their self, writes Maullika Sharma
In my counselling practice, and in the various workshops I conduct on different aspects of parenting, I often meet parents who have a clearly mapped out future path for their children — every milestone documented (or at least etched in their mind). Their children must follow that path if they are to have a happy and successful future (and therefore, life).However, children are here in the world, to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for their self and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly. According to Brian Tracy, an American TV Host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.”
As enlightened parents we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring glory to us. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path.
So if you have any such expectations, it is imperative that you open up the windows of your mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for your child.
There is a controversy raging in the Western press these days about the Chinese style of parenting, vs, the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented, disciplinarian and loaded with the highest expectations of their children in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend a sleepover; have a play date; be in a school play; complain about not being in a school play; watch TV or play computer games; choose their own extracurricular activities; get any grade less than an A; not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama; play any instrument other than the piano or violin; not play the piano or violin (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html). The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings, self-esteem, etc. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers.
A quick Google search in the Classical Composers database threw up just 20 ‘Chinese’ composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing. While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, the ability to learn on the job, the ability to problem solve, the ability to be a team leader, and a team player (in formal and informal team structures), the ability to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of these get tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.
So if you expect your child to get a hundred per cent, and she lives up to your expectation, she may still not be a success in life, and in the work place. Do you want her to succeed in her exams, or do you want her to succeed in life? It is a decision you may need to take as a parent, because the paths to both may be completely different.
Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations. No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone and try out new things. All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks and performance.
Expectations should be about behaviour, not performance. Expectations should about your child's putting in their best effort; about learning; about living by values that you help your child believe in; about your child pushing the boundaries and limits of his or her capabilities; about being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; about having dreams and aspirations; to mention just some of the few drivers for excellence in today's world.
So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief of who they really are! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of non-acceptance.
And, what can we expect as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”
Saturday, 22 January 2011
Focus on Learning : Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column - January 20, 2011
The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt January 20, 2011
Dear Ma’m,
I try and study hard, but forget easily. Most of the times, I end up losing marks because of my silly mistakes. My parents complain that I do not recheck my answers. How can I avoid silly mistakes?
Dear student,
Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on cramming it. Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept. If you understand something, the learning always stays with you, even if you don't get the marks.
Also, if you are over-anxious or stressed about your marks, the anxiety tends to weigh on your mind and you will not be able to concentrate while answering your papers. You will always worry if you will get the marks or not. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’ . So, try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one.
Dear Ma’m,
I depend too much on my friends' opinion about me. This, sometimes, affects my performance in class. How do I stop taking others’ opinion seriously?
Dear student,
You are not alone in giving undue importance to your friends’ opinions of you. It is a very common problem. We often let others’ opinion of us decide who we are, or how we should be. I am really happy that you have been able to identify this as a problem, because most people don’t have the maturity to even think that it is a problem.
You need to believe in yourself, and love yourself the way you are. You need to accept yourself for who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses. You need to give yourself positive self affirmations. If you visualise your relationship with your friends as a see-saw, the see-saw should be horizontal (which means the relationship should be one of equality and balance). If you do not feel good about yourself, you will always feel your friends (and their opinions) are more important than yours. Your side of the see-saw will tilt downwards. If your side is down, then your friends’ side of the see-saw will always be up. You will always think they are more important and powerful than you. The only way you can bring their side down, and equalise the relationship, is by kicking your side up. So, rebalance your see-saw and kick yourself up. Nobody’s opinion of you is more important, and more powerful, than your opinion about yourself. For more on this, visit www.deccan-herald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html
Dear Madam,
I am an average II PUC student. My problem is, I can read only for some time. Later, I doze off. Owing to this, my preparation for my exams gets ruined. When the exams are nearing, I will be tense and unable to study.
Dear student,
I want you to analyse your motivation to study. Are you studying for an exam, which can be an end in itself? Or, are the exams a means to a larger goal that you have. If you are working towards a larger goal, that you are self-motivated to achieve, you will enjoy the process of studying, because you will view it as a means of getting what you want; as part of the journey, rather than the destination itself. If you are studying just for an exam, then that can be quite boring and it would not be unusual for you to feel sleepy. Another question you need to answer for yourself is — are you studying for yourself, or for your parents? If you are doing it only for your parents, then again it can be quite a bore. The label you have given yourself, of an ‘average’ student, is in itself like a self-fulfilling prophecy which will undermine your desire to put in your best effort. Your thought process may be something like, “In any case, I am only average — what good is my studying hard going to do? ” Who has given you that label, and why have you accepted it?
I have raised some tough questions for you, which may not be easy to answer. But think about them.
Dear Ma’m,
I try and study hard, but forget easily. Most of the times, I end up losing marks because of my silly mistakes. My parents complain that I do not recheck my answers. How can I avoid silly mistakes?
Dear student,
Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on cramming it. Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept. If you understand something, the learning always stays with you, even if you don't get the marks.
Also, if you are over-anxious or stressed about your marks, the anxiety tends to weigh on your mind and you will not be able to concentrate while answering your papers. You will always worry if you will get the marks or not. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’ . So, try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one.
Dear Ma’m,
I depend too much on my friends' opinion about me. This, sometimes, affects my performance in class. How do I stop taking others’ opinion seriously?
Dear student,
You are not alone in giving undue importance to your friends’ opinions of you. It is a very common problem. We often let others’ opinion of us decide who we are, or how we should be. I am really happy that you have been able to identify this as a problem, because most people don’t have the maturity to even think that it is a problem.
You need to believe in yourself, and love yourself the way you are. You need to accept yourself for who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses. You need to give yourself positive self affirmations. If you visualise your relationship with your friends as a see-saw, the see-saw should be horizontal (which means the relationship should be one of equality and balance). If you do not feel good about yourself, you will always feel your friends (and their opinions) are more important than yours. Your side of the see-saw will tilt downwards. If your side is down, then your friends’ side of the see-saw will always be up. You will always think they are more important and powerful than you. The only way you can bring their side down, and equalise the relationship, is by kicking your side up. So, rebalance your see-saw and kick yourself up. Nobody’s opinion of you is more important, and more powerful, than your opinion about yourself. For more on this, visit www.deccan-herald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html
Dear Madam,
I am an average II PUC student. My problem is, I can read only for some time. Later, I doze off. Owing to this, my preparation for my exams gets ruined. When the exams are nearing, I will be tense and unable to study.
Dear student,
I want you to analyse your motivation to study. Are you studying for an exam, which can be an end in itself? Or, are the exams a means to a larger goal that you have. If you are working towards a larger goal, that you are self-motivated to achieve, you will enjoy the process of studying, because you will view it as a means of getting what you want; as part of the journey, rather than the destination itself. If you are studying just for an exam, then that can be quite boring and it would not be unusual for you to feel sleepy. Another question you need to answer for yourself is — are you studying for yourself, or for your parents? If you are doing it only for your parents, then again it can be quite a bore. The label you have given yourself, of an ‘average’ student, is in itself like a self-fulfilling prophecy which will undermine your desire to put in your best effort. Your thought process may be something like, “In any case, I am only average — what good is my studying hard going to do? ” Who has given you that label, and why have you accepted it?
I have raised some tough questions for you, which may not be easy to answer. But think about them.
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Women Leadership - a panel discussion
I was part of a Panel discussion on Women Leadership which took place for the IIM Bangalore Alumni Journal. To read a transcript of the discussion, click on the link below and go to page 18-19
http://www.iimbaa.org/IIMBAA/Magazine/IIMBAA-MAGAZINE/index.html
http://www.iimbaa.org/IIMBAA/Magazine/IIMBAA-MAGAZINE/index.html
Convert your fear into strength : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 10, 2010
The following queries answered by me were published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt December 10, 2010
Dear Madam,
I am studying in Standard 10 and my Board exams are fast approaching. I try to read, but I can’t. I find it difficult to remember. Sometimes, even when I read well and remember well, I don't score well because I commit many silly mistakes. Sometimes I leave my answer sheet blank as I don’t remember anything out of exam fear. Before going to the examination hall, I prepare myself to be brave but the moment I get the question paper, I find myself overcome by fear. My parents are very supportive. I have even taken medicines to improve my memory. I have a migraine problem too. How should I study and prepare myself for my exams?
Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class Eleven. My IQ is above average, but I make simple errors in calculation and reading. Sometimes, while solving a mathematical problem, I miss out 1 or 2 steps, which throws me off completely. I tell myself to concentrate, but it never works. I often realise the errors made by me only after turning in the answer sheet. Please help.
Dear students,
I get a sense that you are over-anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You blank out and tend to forget things or make careless mistakes. This often happens, and you are not alone in being anxious about your exams. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on the marks. The only thing you can control is your effort and learning. It is important to keep this in mind, so that even if you don't get the marks (for whatever reason), atleast the learning is still with you. No one can take that away. The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going though your exams it seems like it is the most important thing that you will ever do in your life, and that your whole life will depend on it. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.
An important question I want to ask you is, how do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Failure is an event and not a person. If you failed an exam, it does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at doing one exam. Making some of these changes in the way you think may help ease off the pressure and anxiety you are facing on account of your result. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax. Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I am an 18-year-old girl. I was performing well in academics till Class 10. In the past 2 years, I got distracted, was mentally disturbed and ended up messing my Class 12. I am not able to regain my confidence which I had two years ago. I am and always have been a very pessimistic person by nature. When I went down drastically in Class 12, some of my friends tried to console me by saying it is destiny, it probably was meant to happen and stuff like that. Now, I get extremely scared of my future. I have started believing in horoscopes, etc.
What exactly is destiny? Should I believe in horoscopes? Do they come true? I know I am being extremely stupid, but I am actually very disturbed by these predictions. I really need your help as no one really seems to understand my problem.
Dear student,
We all need to remember that each one of us faces ups and downs in life. When we are on a downswing, we start questioning our capability and keep feeling like things will never get better. At times like this, in our search for answers, we start placing great importance on horoscopes and destiny. That helps us believe that nothing is in our control and we are powerless. The important thing is to know that you have enormous power and control on your life. You have to believe that you can do whatever you set your mind and heart to doing.
However, I do feel, that given whatever you have described, it may be difficult to bring about this shift in yourself on your own. I suggest you take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult if you don’t have access to a counsellor, who can help you regain your confidence. Once you feel more confident about yourself, you can accelerate your life’s journey in a productive manner.
Dear Madam,
I am studying in Standard 10 and my Board exams are fast approaching. I try to read, but I can’t. I find it difficult to remember. Sometimes, even when I read well and remember well, I don't score well because I commit many silly mistakes. Sometimes I leave my answer sheet blank as I don’t remember anything out of exam fear. Before going to the examination hall, I prepare myself to be brave but the moment I get the question paper, I find myself overcome by fear. My parents are very supportive. I have even taken medicines to improve my memory. I have a migraine problem too. How should I study and prepare myself for my exams?
Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class Eleven. My IQ is above average, but I make simple errors in calculation and reading. Sometimes, while solving a mathematical problem, I miss out 1 or 2 steps, which throws me off completely. I tell myself to concentrate, but it never works. I often realise the errors made by me only after turning in the answer sheet. Please help.
Dear students,
I get a sense that you are over-anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You blank out and tend to forget things or make careless mistakes. This often happens, and you are not alone in being anxious about your exams. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on the marks. The only thing you can control is your effort and learning. It is important to keep this in mind, so that even if you don't get the marks (for whatever reason), atleast the learning is still with you. No one can take that away. The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going though your exams it seems like it is the most important thing that you will ever do in your life, and that your whole life will depend on it. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.
An important question I want to ask you is, how do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Failure is an event and not a person. If you failed an exam, it does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at doing one exam. Making some of these changes in the way you think may help ease off the pressure and anxiety you are facing on account of your result. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax. Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I am an 18-year-old girl. I was performing well in academics till Class 10. In the past 2 years, I got distracted, was mentally disturbed and ended up messing my Class 12. I am not able to regain my confidence which I had two years ago. I am and always have been a very pessimistic person by nature. When I went down drastically in Class 12, some of my friends tried to console me by saying it is destiny, it probably was meant to happen and stuff like that. Now, I get extremely scared of my future. I have started believing in horoscopes, etc.
What exactly is destiny? Should I believe in horoscopes? Do they come true? I know I am being extremely stupid, but I am actually very disturbed by these predictions. I really need your help as no one really seems to understand my problem.
Dear student,
We all need to remember that each one of us faces ups and downs in life. When we are on a downswing, we start questioning our capability and keep feeling like things will never get better. At times like this, in our search for answers, we start placing great importance on horoscopes and destiny. That helps us believe that nothing is in our control and we are powerless. The important thing is to know that you have enormous power and control on your life. You have to believe that you can do whatever you set your mind and heart to doing.
However, I do feel, that given whatever you have described, it may be difficult to bring about this shift in yourself on your own. I suggest you take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult if you don’t have access to a counsellor, who can help you regain your confidence. Once you feel more confident about yourself, you can accelerate your life’s journey in a productive manner.
Be an independent learner first : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 31, 2010
The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt 31.12.10
Dear Madam,
I am in the ninth standard and I cannot perform well in class. I feel neglected by my maths teacher. She only takes time to explain formulas and techniques to those who study well. My doubts are never cleared. My mother shouts at me because I cannot improve my grades. What should I do? Please help
Radhika
Dear Radhika
You have written that you ‘cannot’ do well in class. I am not sure whether you meant to say ‘cannot’ or ‘do not’. If you say you ‘cannot’ do well, then it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy — since you believe you cannot do it, you never will be able to do it. On the other hand, if you say you ‘do not’ do well, then you need to believe in yourself and your ability to succeed in achieving goals. You could be in your current situation because of two possibilities.
*The first one is that the pressure you are facing at home is stressing you out, and your stress is not allowing you to focus on understanding what is happening in class. Your belief that you are not ‘good enough’ makes you feel neglected by the maths teacher, whom you say answers only ‘good’ students. You have to believe in yourself and believe that you are as worthy as any other student in getting your doubts clarified. That gives you the courage to raise doubts till they are resolved. Your anxiety about performance may also be hampering your ability to memorise the formulas that are needed. You need to be able to talk to your mother and explain the situation in school. You also need to work on getting the attention that you deserve from you teacher. The other possibility is that you are looking for explanations outside of yourself to counter the fact that you may not be making an honest effort. If you can tell yourself that you have done your best, honest effort, then I would say, don’t focus on results. It is the effort that is important and that will eventually pay off. Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I completed engineering in Electronics and Communication in 2009. I have not worked or studied since. I was not motivated or interested in studying further. But, after a year of doing nothing, I want to work and help my parents financially. How do I motivate myself? What should I do?
Gulshan
Dear Gulshan
I sense that you regret having wasted a year of your time and now you want to make amends. You also regret that this wasted year has made you lazy, frustrated and de-motivated.
You now seem to be ready to take on larger responsibilities in life, and that in itself will be a motivator. And, if this past year has made you learn that lesson, then you need not view it as entirely wasted. Try working with some simple short-term goals initially.
Success in achievement of those goals will motivate you to take on more challenging tasks in the long run. You may, however, like to explore why you feel that you have no motivation or interest in life. For this, talk to someone you can trust — a counsellor, friend, parent — who will help you explore these roadblocks. I think it is very important for you to recognise why and how you got to this state so that you can become aware of your patterns and avoid repeating them in future. All the best!
Dear Madam,
I am studying engineering at GIT College. I got 65% in II PUC and I am an average student. I used to be a top performer but now I feel like I have lost that ability to work hard or learn. Until Class 8, I had good scores. Now, my friends and teachers have to help me. How can I improve my scores and myself? Please help.
Anusha
Dear Anusha
It is not uncommon for children to do well in the early years of school and then to let performance taper off as the work load increases. When you say that you are now not able to study, you need to explore what that means.
Please ask yourself the following questions:
*Does it mean that you don’t understand what is being taught? Or, does it mean that you are not putting in enough effort in studying because you are distracted by other things?
I also don’t understand what you mean by the fact that your friends and teachers help you all the time.
*Are they doing your work for you or are they giving you concessions so that you can get by?
Both options are not conducive to an independent learner and the only person who can put a stop to that is, you. You need to learn to depend on yourself and believe in yourself and your ability to perform. Also, remember that eventual success in the workplace is not a function of mere marks. It is also (and probably more so) dependent on your confidence, communication skills, on-the-job skills, your ability to think out-of-the-box, team player skills, and the ability to lead a team, among a host of other skills which do not get reflected in your marks.
Dear Madam,
I am in the ninth standard and I cannot perform well in class. I feel neglected by my maths teacher. She only takes time to explain formulas and techniques to those who study well. My doubts are never cleared. My mother shouts at me because I cannot improve my grades. What should I do? Please help
Radhika
Dear Radhika
You have written that you ‘cannot’ do well in class. I am not sure whether you meant to say ‘cannot’ or ‘do not’. If you say you ‘cannot’ do well, then it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy — since you believe you cannot do it, you never will be able to do it. On the other hand, if you say you ‘do not’ do well, then you need to believe in yourself and your ability to succeed in achieving goals. You could be in your current situation because of two possibilities.
*The first one is that the pressure you are facing at home is stressing you out, and your stress is not allowing you to focus on understanding what is happening in class. Your belief that you are not ‘good enough’ makes you feel neglected by the maths teacher, whom you say answers only ‘good’ students. You have to believe in yourself and believe that you are as worthy as any other student in getting your doubts clarified. That gives you the courage to raise doubts till they are resolved. Your anxiety about performance may also be hampering your ability to memorise the formulas that are needed. You need to be able to talk to your mother and explain the situation in school. You also need to work on getting the attention that you deserve from you teacher. The other possibility is that you are looking for explanations outside of yourself to counter the fact that you may not be making an honest effort. If you can tell yourself that you have done your best, honest effort, then I would say, don’t focus on results. It is the effort that is important and that will eventually pay off. Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I completed engineering in Electronics and Communication in 2009. I have not worked or studied since. I was not motivated or interested in studying further. But, after a year of doing nothing, I want to work and help my parents financially. How do I motivate myself? What should I do?
Gulshan
Dear Gulshan
I sense that you regret having wasted a year of your time and now you want to make amends. You also regret that this wasted year has made you lazy, frustrated and de-motivated.
You now seem to be ready to take on larger responsibilities in life, and that in itself will be a motivator. And, if this past year has made you learn that lesson, then you need not view it as entirely wasted. Try working with some simple short-term goals initially.
Success in achievement of those goals will motivate you to take on more challenging tasks in the long run. You may, however, like to explore why you feel that you have no motivation or interest in life. For this, talk to someone you can trust — a counsellor, friend, parent — who will help you explore these roadblocks. I think it is very important for you to recognise why and how you got to this state so that you can become aware of your patterns and avoid repeating them in future. All the best!
Dear Madam,
I am studying engineering at GIT College. I got 65% in II PUC and I am an average student. I used to be a top performer but now I feel like I have lost that ability to work hard or learn. Until Class 8, I had good scores. Now, my friends and teachers have to help me. How can I improve my scores and myself? Please help.
Anusha
Dear Anusha
It is not uncommon for children to do well in the early years of school and then to let performance taper off as the work load increases. When you say that you are now not able to study, you need to explore what that means.
Please ask yourself the following questions:
*Does it mean that you don’t understand what is being taught? Or, does it mean that you are not putting in enough effort in studying because you are distracted by other things?
I also don’t understand what you mean by the fact that your friends and teachers help you all the time.
*Are they doing your work for you or are they giving you concessions so that you can get by?
Both options are not conducive to an independent learner and the only person who can put a stop to that is, you. You need to learn to depend on yourself and believe in yourself and your ability to perform. Also, remember that eventual success in the workplace is not a function of mere marks. It is also (and probably more so) dependent on your confidence, communication skills, on-the-job skills, your ability to think out-of-the-box, team player skills, and the ability to lead a team, among a host of other skills which do not get reflected in your marks.
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