Recognize your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on July 30, 2015)

Dear Madam,
I am a final year engineering student (ECE) in Hubli, Karnataka. During my childhood I wanted to become a scientist and join NASA as I was interested in space. But after completing my second year PU, I don't know what has happened to my goal and my ambitions! 

From being a good student I have become   become average and study  only to pass examinations. I sometimes try to motivate myself to study but it does not last for very long.  Also, I am very addicted to technology and I am unable to come out of it. My campus placements are going to happen next week and I wanted to get placed, but I am not able to study. Please help me.

Mayur M Naravani
Dear Mayur

By the time you get a response to your letter your campus placements may already be over. However, no matter what the outcome of that, I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you regain your motivation, uncover your hidden potential and add meaning to your life. 

Obviously your addiction to technology, while it is fulfilling a need for you, it is also coming in the way of your attaining your potential. Any kind of addiction is bad because it makes you dependent on an external factor for your own existence. NIMHANS, in Bangalore, has expert help available to help people deal with technology addiction, should you choose to take that help. 

It is great that you are able to recognize that you have greater potential and that something is blocking you in achieving it. Recognition is the first step. Now get the help you need to help you identify what is blocking you, and how to go full-steam ahead and achieve whatever it is you choose to.

Dear Madam,

I have a Diploma in Electrical and Electronics with 74.67% from Hubli, Karnataka. Due to lots of problems at home I dropped my PU course and completed diploma in E&E. As my family cannot afford engineering financially, I have to begin working. 

Please suggest how I can start to look for jobs and build my career and work passionately. I plan to join B.Com as a external student with a recognized university (Karnataka University Dharwad). Please guide me.
A Student
Dear student

Your question is really meant for a career counsellor to guide you on how to go about deciding on your next step, and maybe possibilities of funding your education through loans and/or scholarships. I really have no expertise in helping you with that. However, I would like to say that even if you don’t have the formal qualifications, with the right attitude and motivation you can learn and progress as you wish. Sometimes qualifications only open a few doors. 

Eventually making a success of those openings is an entirely different story and depends on the person’s soft skills more than anything else, like the ability to communicate, the ability to take risks, the ability to solve problems and think creatively, the ability to work in a team and leadership skills, among other things. So get started, give it your best shot, and keep climbing from step to step – but also remember to look back and take stock of where you started from and how far you have come.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I have completed my 2nd PUC Science and I am very poor in Maths. While I am interested in taking up 5 year law course, my father however wants me to do engineering. I don’t want to regret  taking up engineering even after knowing that it is not suitable for me. I’m confused. Please help me by telling how I can convince my father. Also tell me what the scope for law is.

Shivakumar
Dear Shivakumar

I think you and your father need to have an honest open communication about what you should do. You need to understand why your father wants you to do engineering. I am sure he wants the best for you, and thinks that engineering is the only route to achieve that. You should also be clear and communicate to him about why you want to do law, why you think it is the right choice for you, and why you think engineering is not for you.

I totally agree with you that you should not enter a field that you do not have any interest in.  However, it is in your interest to carry your family along with you in your decision. To do that you may need to do some introspection and self-analysis to figure out why you feel your choice is the right one for you. Remember that your father eventually will want the same end result that you want – for you to be happy and successful at whatever you do. You are not two opposing forces, and you don’t need to view the situation as such. Hope this helps and all the best.

Dear Madam,

I am currently confused about what career options to take. I have completed my B.Com from RC university Belagavi, Karnataka. I'm interested in banking sector and also in the defence sector. I'm writing the relevent exams for it as well. But I also want pursue MBA to complete my post graduation. But I have a third semester backlog of business statistics in B.Com so all my future plans have been kept on hold. Unofficially I have completed B.Com but due to the third semester backlog I am not able to apply for jobs.

I have lost my patience and confidence. In my home nobody is ready to guide me or help me in this regard. I want to have a career- which I like and enjoy and moreover earn respect from my friends, colleagues and family. But financially we are not so well off. This is the root cause of the problem. I have been waiting for a long time to tell you all this and seek your advice and solution to my set of academic problems.
Nikhil More
Dear Nikhil

Liking the career you have chosen, enjoying it and earning respect from your friends is all in your control as it is largely driven by your own thoughts and feelings about yourself and your situation. You can choose to view the same job as boring and mundane and do it in a routine mechanical fashion, or you can choose to be thankful for it and give it your best shot, all the time looking to think out of the box, solve problems, and give it your 100%. 

If you respect yourself your friends will have no choice but to respect you. What the world says about you is a reflection of what you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself, the way you interact and respond to situations will force others to respect you as well. Getting a job per se is not what gets you respect. It is what you bring to the job, or what you give to it, that ultimately earns you lasting respect.

Good luck!

Break work into small bits - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement dt. Jan 17, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a first year MBBS student. My problem is that I am not able to concentrate on studies. Earlier, I used to study well, but now, I seem to have lost my momentum. Kindly help me.

Nusrat Jahan

Dear Nusrat

You will need to tell me a little more about what you are feeling for me to really be able to help you. Why have you lost your momentum? Are you not interested in the subject any more? If this is the case, maybe it is too soon into the course for you to decide that, and you should take a call after some more time if this is something you want to continue with or not. Are you getting anxious about the results, or overwhelmed by the amount of work ahead? If you are getting anxious about the results, you need to focus on the learning and not worry about the marks.

Consider the worst possible outcome if you do not do as well as you would like, and assess whether it is something you can live with. In all probability, if you really think about it, it will be. If you are getting overwhelmed by the amount of work, break it up into small achievable goals, and remember to take stock of each goal as you achieve it, and celebrate its completion.

Sometimes on a tough journey, we need to keep looking back to see how far we have come, rather than look ahead and worry about how far we have to go. Another reason for you to lose momentum could be distractions from friends and romantic relationships. Like I said, I can’t really help you till I know the reason, but hopefully I have given you some pointers.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a class 12 CBSE student. I aspire to join IIT and now about 2 months are left for JEE mains. I have scored close to 70% in our school confidence exams and am very depressed because this is very low compared to my usual 90%. My JEE preparation seems to be bringing own my boards preparation. So, now I am confused whether to concentrate on JEE preparations or boards. Please help.

Manjit

Dear Manjit

You have to aspire to really ‘learn’ what you are studying so that the knowledge stays with you. I cannot say which one you should focus on at the cost of the other. I think both have their own place. But if you want to do engineering, it is good to aspire to do it from the IITs, but it does not mean that if you do not get into IIT, you are a failure.

There are so many other good colleges that you can join. In fact, I know of several hiring managers who prefer engineers from the second rung of colleges because they believe they have more hunger for learning on the job and do not come in with an attitude. So aim for the best, but remember, that that is not the only option. Sometimes, keeping that in perspective, and realizing that that is not the only open door for you to pursue reduces and the stress and anxiety assoicated with the results.

Also, remember, the marks you get, either in the Boards, or in JEE, are no guarantor or success in life. Success in life depends on several other things - your self-esteeem, your belief in your self and your abilities, your ability to communicate, you ability to work in a team and lead a team, your ability to problem solve and think out of the box, etc. etc. Yes, exams and marks are important, but the only role they play is to open some doors. If you don’t have them, you can always try opening other doors. Hope that helps.

Take time off to prepare - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following questions answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of January 10, 2013. However, interestingly, due to editorial goof-ups they went under another person's name!! It's never happened to me before. Hope it doesn't happen again. However, since the content is mine I am going ahead and reproducing it here.]

Take time off to prepare

Jan 10, 2013

Dear Madam
I am a 21-year old graduate from Mysore, and I completed my Bachelors in Business Administration (BBA) in June 2012. Instead of applying for MBA immediately, I chose to take a year off and concentrate on studying for various management exams (CAT, XAT, MAT, etc.). I was actually aiming for an admission into one of the IIMs, so I prepared for CAT-2012, and took it in the month of October 2012. Right now, it is December, and I am preparing for XAT, which is to be held on January 6, 2013.

The thing that is troubling me is that I do not have any work experience to my credit. All I had planned to do was prepare for management exams. And even though I put all my efforts towards preparing for CAT from July-Oct 2012, the actual test was not as good as I had hoped. I managed to do just about okay. And not only this, I have also been told by my parents that they will not be able to afford admissions into the IIMs, as my family is somewhat tight regarding finances.

Hearing this, I became totally depressed, thinking that all my efforts were in vain. And my parents are adamant that I continue my education in Mysore, so that they can be with me and save on money as well. I am totally against it. I do not want to compromise on the matter of my Masters degree in any way, since my BBA days were not all that enriching and college was not exactly a “learning” experience”. I have no expectations from Mysore at all- My mother is behind me to find a job so that I can assist my family. Even I want to- but in a place like Mysore, I really don’t know how to go about it, and I don’t even have any expectations of finding a decent job here.

Please advise. I have a very bad feeling, as if I’ve hit a dead end.

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous

It is okay to take some time off to prepare for exams. It is not mandatory that you have work experience right at the start. If you have put in your best effort, and you get admission for MBA, as per your wishes, then you don’t need to worry on account of the lack of work experience.

However, if you don’t get admission, again all is not lost. You can always gain some work experience, and then try again after a couple of years. In any case you can benefit a lot more from a management degree when you have the practical experience of the workplace. So if you don’t get admission, you can choose to view it as a failure and feel dejected and depressed. Or you can choose to view it as an opportunity to gain some work experience, and try later.

Secondly, if your family is not able to support you financially for further studies, you can always look at the possibility of taking a bank loan to do this. I believe there are education loans available these days, though I have to admit I do not have too many details on this. You don’t need to see this as a dead end.

You need to be able to decide for yourself what you would like out of your life. Understandably, your family would like to have you close to them. You need to be able to formulate your plans, and communicate them to your family. Remember, your needs and aspirations will be different from those of your family, and it is okay for you to chase your own dreams.

Understandably opportunities in Mysore will be limited compared to what they would be if you are willing to move out. In the process if you are able to carry your family along with your decision, you will be some much richer for it. This will require you to be able to communicate your goals and motivations to them, and address their insecurities to the best you can.

Dear Madam

I’m in X class. With hardly 3 months left for my Board exams, I’m still not addicted to books. When I open my books, I read for some time (10 to 15 minutes). After that my mind starts diverting to some other topic. I don’t know how to keep all these out and concentrate on my studies. I’m worried that if I don’t do well in the Boards, I won’t get into a good colleges. Please help me out to prepare well for exams.

Avinash

Dear Avinash

Why do you need to study? You need to answer that question for yourself and find your true motivation. If your motivation is to get good marks, to make your parents happy, to get admission into a good college, or to impress everyone, then you need to think again. Those may be short-term motivations but cannot be an end in themselves. What is your end goal and what are you working towards? If the end goal is exciting enough, you will feel motivated to work towards it. Remember, you need to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. You will be the biggest beneficiary of the effort you put in now.

Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 19, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (ICSE) and I have to appear for the Boards in March, 2013. My average percentage has always been between 70 and 80. I understand the concepts very well and I always clear my doubts with my teachers. But I am weak in Hindi, so I go for Hindi tuition. But my parents want me to join a coaching class. Are coaching classes really useful? I have a few friends who are ahead in class because the coaching centres teach certain subjects prior to when it is taught in school. Is it necessary to go there? Is it better than self study?
Betty Roy

Dear Betty,
I am not the best person to advise you about whether you should go for coaching classes or not. It depends on your confidence in your own abilities to be able to follow a regimented routine and showing discipline when it comes to your studies. More than anything else, the coaching classes enforce rigour and structure to your study routine, apart from making you understand concepts thoroughly. If you are confident about being able to do this on your own, then go right ahead. My guess is that your elders are keen on your going for the coaching classes because they are anxious about your future and don’t want to miss out on any step towards ensuring your success. Your belief in your own ability to be able to do this on your own is commendable. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Computer Science engineering student. I am faced with a real problem — I am unable to focus while studying, and that makes me nervous before taking an exam. I have already lost two years and I should have finished my course this year. But instead, I’m struggling to complete the second year. Please guide me so that I can concentrate on my work and become confident. And once I graduate, where can I find work?
Student

Dear Student,
When you convince yourself that you won’t get a job even if you complete your course, you are killing your motivation to work hard. Getting a job in a good company is not the only road to success. Secondly, getting a job in a good company is not only dependent on your marks. It is also dependent on your level of confidence, your ability to communicate, your ability to think creatively and solve problems, your ability to be a team player and a team leader, your willingness to work hard, etc. Your marks may just open a door of opportunity, but will have no role to play in your making a success of that opportunity. That will depend on your attitude and skill, more than on anything else. Success is not dependent on what course you do. It is dependent on you, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your attitude. All the best.

Retain control of 'your result' - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald of September 8, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am studying in PUC II. I was doing well till Class 8 but after that I started losing interest in studies. I am not saying that I can’t study, but I get bored. If I sit down to study, I can’t concentrate on the subjects. This has affected my scores. In PUC I, I scored 70 per cent. Every week, I have tests at the tuition classes that I am attending and I am not able to prepare well. Please help me. I want to pursue an engineering degree from a reputed college and become a successful engineer.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
Try and think about what changed for you after Class 8. Why did your interest drop? Were there, or are there, any distractions that are keeping you from focussing on what you need to do. What is your motivation to study? Are you doing it for yourself, and your brighter future, or are you doing it under pressure from the environment and because your parents are forcing you to. If you are doing it for someone else, I can understand why you are getting bored, because it is then a chore to be done. You do not see any benefit in it for yourself.
I am happy to hear you say that you can do it, it is just that you don’t want to do it. So you do believe that you are capable of it, and the only thing holding you back, is yourself. That is a much better situation to be in because then everything is within your control. It is situations outside your control that are much more difficult to deal with. If the only thing holding you back is yourself, then I am sure that once you realise that the beneficiary of your studying is none other than you, you will find the motivation to do it. If you study and do well, the person who benefits the most is you, not your parents or anyone else in your life. If you want to become an engineer, and that to from a top college, then there is no short-cut to putting in effort. However, till you believe the effort is being done for someone else, it will always remain a chore. Once you realise it is for yourself, you will start enjoying the journey and focussing on it instead of focussing only on the destination. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, there is no other way to get there, other than enjoying the journey and the process. If you don’t enjoy trekking and consider the journey as torturous, the peak will remain an unattainable goal. If you enjoy trekking, then, even if you eventually don’t make it to the ultimate goal, at least you have enjoyed the trek.
So, reexamine your motivation, and enjoy the journey.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in PUC II and I am interested in doing Aeronautical Engineering. For this, I have decided to take the AIEEE, but my parents are constantly opposing it. A fortune teller has informed them that I will not be successful if I take that exam. How can I convince my parents to believe otherwise? And, in case I do not get admission to an engineering college, can I go for pilot training? Is it true that a pilot license could cost me lakhs of rupees?
Keerthi

Dear Keerthi,
Your parents are probably anxious about your future and are, therefore, seeking inputs from fortune tellers. Unfortunately, when we get these inputs, and try to predict our future, we start believing in them, and they become like self-fulfilling prophecies. You will start believing that anyway I will not do well in this exam, because that is what the fortune teller has said, so why should I study hard. If you don’t study hard, you will not do well. The fortune teller’s prophecy will come true and you will start believing that what the fortune teller told you (or your parents) was indeed true. My advice for you is to retain control of your results with you. Don’t give it up to someone who has no interest or influence in the matter. If you believe you can do it, then just do it and give it your best shot, irrespective of what anyone is saying. And, if you make a mistake along the way, don’t worry — just view it as a stumbling block on your path.
I think it would be wise for you to sit with your parents, and understand their anxieties. Are they financial or are they based on what the fortune teller has said? If you really want to pursue this course, then you may need to look into the financial aspects and see the feasibility of taking an educational loan. Don’t let fortune tellers determine your course of action. You are your best fortune teller. If you believe you can do it, you will find a way to do it. And, even if you don’t make it to the top colleges, I am sure some other opportunities will open up for you. When one door closes, another one opens — we just need to look for it, and allow the possibility of it.
There are many students who focus on the professional entrance exams in preference to the Board exams, and they are comfortable with that choice. It is really your call. I am not a career counsellor and so will not be able to give you details on the course, and which course you should study. Yes, I have heard, that getting a pilot’s license is very expensive.
Good luck.

Failures are mere bumps on the road - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 28, 2011]

Dear Madam,
In life we have to go through changes that will define who we are, give us that identity. I think a lot has to do with what I want to do in my life and I feel I have found it. I really want to change this world. Depending on the success we define for ourselves we carve out a path, a plan. For this we need to think a lot, plan a lot and then implement it. How do we know that what we are thinking is the right way? What if my thinking is flawed. What if it leads to a catastrophic failure? I know the way we tackle failures define us but sometimes results and being successful in certain areas are important. Can you also tell me how to tackle misfortunes that occur in our pursuit to be really successful? I don't have a trusted adult whom I can talk to.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
Your desire to change this world is creditable. However, for any such large ambiguous goal, you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable, definable and achievable goals. How do you want to change the world? What all will you do towards that end? And, how will you know if you have achieved it?
The best way to test out your thinking is to bounce off your ideas with people who can provide you useful inputs. You may be able to find on-line sources of ideas in the field that you are talking about. You say you don’t have a trusted adult whom you can talk to. You can cultivate friendships based around your common interests and test out your ideas there.
How you deal with failures along the way, and there are bound to be some, is a function of how you define success for yourself. And I think you should gain clarity on how you will define success. Failures need to be treated, not as roadblocks, but as mere bumps on the road. You should just bounce off them and be on your path again. You need not necessarily have to change paths. And, the best way to get over your fear of failure is to also define and articulate what exactly you are scared of. What does the failure mean to you, and if you fail what are your worst fears about it. Remember, if you concretise what you are scared about, you may suddenly realise that the worst possible outcome that you are envisaging, may actually not be that scary. It may be something you could easily deal with and move on. One of my favourite quotes is “Failure is an event, not a person”. Keep that in mind and you will be able to move past any failures that come your way.


Dear Madam,
I have completed my BA 4th semester but I failed to perform well in the exams. Now I want to get more marks in the 5th and 6th semesters. Please help me concentrate on my studies.
Mallu S K

Dear Mallu,
It is good that you are now feeling motivated to perform better in your exams. It is very important to be able to bounce back after a failure, rather than feel defeated by it. Failure is an event, not a person. So while you may have failed at an exam, it is important to ensure that you do not start believing that you are a failure.
What is your motivation for getting more marks in the next semesters? Is it because you want to do well and you see it as a stepping stone towards a larger goal that you have in mind. Or, is it because your parents want you to get more marks and you want to either please them, or keep them quiet. If you are doing it for your parents, and see no ultimate purpose in it for yourself, then I’m afraid concentrating will be a challenge even this time around. If you are doing it for yourself, then your motivation for achieving your goals will drive your own efforts.
Whatever your motivation, you need to remember that these marks cannot be your end goal. It is important to always have the larger goal in mind, so that we don’t view failures along the way as ultimate failures, but only as small hurdles on the path to achieving the larger goal. Edison failed a thousand times before he finally invented the light bulb. However, when asked how he dealt with so much failure, he said he had not failed. It was just a thousand step process.

Train your mind to concentrate - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A column June 16, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on June 16, 2011]

Dear Madam,

My son is studying in II PUC (PCMB) and he is attending coaching classes. But, he is unable to concentrate on his studies. He does not have any close friends to share his feelings/difficulties. We are trying our level best to get him to concentrate on his studies. Does he require counselling? Will he be able to score good marks if he goes through text books?

Anxious Parent

Dear Parent

If you are not able to manage your anxiety, it is going to translate onto your child and hamper his performance. You may find it helpful to get a counsellor’s help in managing your anxiety. As parents, we see our child’s ‘success’ as a validation for our own parenting, and therein lies the stress. So you need to understand how you define ‘success’ in life for yourself, and your child. Success in life depends on several factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. Also, you need to see why your sense of self-validation is so heavily dependent on your son being ‘successful’. I think you need to learn to deal with your anxiety about your child’s success.


Now, coming back to your son,

To get the most out of his time, he must be able to concentrate on what he is doing in the moment, rather than let his mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that he controls the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around.

Some exercises to help you improve his concentration are:

* Counting backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting every third number backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting the words in a paragraph of his book without using his finger as a pointer.

Once this is easy, counting the words on a page.

*Repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in his mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes.

It is very important for him to be able to share his feelings with someone. If he doesn’t have friends, and he is unable to talk to you, then it will probably be helpful for him to meet a counsellor. Don’t forget, if you have anxieties about his future, he will also have anxieties about his future, probably even more than you.

Dear Madam
I am doing my 2nd PUC in Commerce. Since my parents are lawyers, I am also influenced by them in certain ways and am interested in Law. But I am also interested in Visual Communication. I know I shouldn’t do a course just because my parents are in the field and that I need to follow my passion. One day I want to be a lawyer and the next day I want to go into the creative line. How do I know if I am interested in Law or Visual Communications? Is it possible to do both?

A Student

Dear Student

I understand that you are confused as you keenly want to follow two career paths. I think that is a happy position to be in — to be clear about what choices you want to pursue, rather than not know what to do at all — and, to have multiple options, rather than just one.

Maybe you should get the help of a career counsellor to assess which field is a better match with your capabilities and interests.

Also, it may be important for you to understand the two fields in greater depth and gain clarity on what you would be doing if you went down either path. Five years, or ten years into the field, what do you visualise yourself doing, and how do you feel about it. Think of your strengths and weaknesses, and the opportunities and threats, with respect to both the fields and see if that helps you arrive at an answer. Talk to people working in both areas to get a realistic picture of what either career entails.

Also, be mindful of your motivation to do law — Is it that you are passionate about the subject, or is it the ease of being able to settle into an already existing practice which will give you a head start? Think about ways in which it may be possible for you to pursue one line as a passion, outside of your career.

Chart Your Own Path - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column May 26, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 26, 2011]

Dear Madam

I am a 15 year old boy. I love sports and I feel I can excel at it, but that’s just a gamble. My parents force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. Of late many sports men are found to be making a lot of money through sports, I think I could as well. What should I do, Study or Sports?

Dear Sportsperson

I have three observations to make about your letter. Firstly, are you aspiring to be a sportsperson for the love of the sport, or for the money you can make. Secondly, are you chasing sports for the love of sports, or for the desire to escape studying. And thirdly, if you are aspiring for the big league in sports, then by age 15 you would probably already have some indication if you can make it. So, check your motivation. Is it to make money, is it to avoid studying, or is it because you excel at it. I do not believe sports and studies are mutually exclusive. You may not excel in studies, but sports helps you concentrate better at your work and you would need some amount of knowledge about the world around you even to be a charismatic sportsman.

Ultimately, sports is about personal passion. But check your motivation first.

Dear Madam,

I have finished writing my CET exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again in securing a seat in the medical field. I am helpless at present and i don't have the courage to face my family members. I am really scared as I feel that I have disappointed them once again. Please help me. Is studying abroad a better option?

Dear Student

I can understand your worry and your anxiety. You feel helpless since you have failed at the exam a second time and don’t have the courage to face your family. You need courage to do something when you are scared of it. So my question to you is what are you scared about? Like I said in the earlier response, it is important to be able to name your fears. This helps us concretize them and see if the fears are rational or not. Sometimes we have a lot of irrational fears, and when we think about them we realize that there is no need for us to be scared of them. So what are your fears about facing your family? Are you scared that they will not love you anymore? Are you scared that they will throw you out of the house? Are you scared that they will not support you anymore? What are you scared about? They may be disappointed by your result, but their disappointment is something they have to deal with. After all no one gets everything they want, and facing disappointment is a part of life. So you don’t need to weigh yourself down with the burden of their disappointment. You need to focus on putting in your best effort in doing what you want to do. Read my article on putting exams in perspective at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Remember, if one door closes, another one will open - you just need to look for it.

I don’t have an answer for you about whether studying abroad is a better option. It depends on your readiness to be in a new environment, your family’s financial situation, etc. Studying abroad is not a guarantee of success. The only guarantee is putting in your best effort at learning the maximum from every opportunity.

Focus on Learning : Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column - January 20, 2011

The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt January 20, 2011


Dear Ma’m,
I try and study hard, but forget easily. Most of the times, I end up losing marks because of my silly mistakes. My parents complain that I do not recheck my answers. How can I avoid silly mistakes?

Dear student,
Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on cramming it. Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept. If you understand something, the learning always stays with you, even if you don't get the marks.
Also, if you are over-anxious or stressed about your marks, the anxiety tends to weigh on your mind and you will not be able to concentrate while answering your papers. You will always worry if you will get the marks or not. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’ . So, try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one.

Dear Ma’m,
I depend too much on my friends' opinion about me. This, sometimes, affects my performance in class. How do I stop taking others’ opinion seriously?

Dear student,
You are not alone in giving undue importance to your friends’ opinions of you. It is a very common problem. We often let others’ opinion of us decide who we are, or how we should be. I am really happy that you have been able to identify this as a problem, because most people don’t have the maturity to even think that it is a problem.
You need to believe in yourself, and love yourself the way you are. You need to accept yourself for who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses. You need to give yourself positive self affirmations. If you visualise your relationship with your friends as a see-saw, the see-saw should be horizontal (which means the relationship should be one of equality and balance). If you do not feel good about yourself, you will always feel your friends (and their opinions) are more important than yours. Your side of the see-saw will tilt downwards. If your side is down, then your friends’ side of the see-saw will always be up. You will always think they are more important and powerful than you. The only way you can bring their side down, and equalise the relationship, is by kicking your side up. So, rebalance your see-saw and kick yourself up. Nobody’s opinion of you is more important, and more powerful, than your opinion about yourself. For more on this, visit www.deccan-herald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html

Dear Madam,
I am an average II PUC student. My problem is, I can read only for some time. Later, I doze off. Owing to this, my preparation for my exams gets ruined. When the exams are nearing, I will be tense and unable to study.

Dear student,
I want you to analyse your motivation to study. Are you studying for an exam, which can be an end in itself? Or, are the exams a means to a larger goal that you have. If you are working towards a larger goal, that you are self-motivated to achieve, you will enjoy the process of studying, because you will view it as a means of getting what you want; as part of the journey, rather than the destination itself. If you are studying just for an exam, then that can be quite boring and it would not be unusual for you to feel sleepy. Another question you need to answer for yourself is — are you studying for yourself, or for your parents? If you are doing it only for your parents, then again it can be quite a bore. The label you have given yourself, of an ‘average’ student, is in itself like a self-fulfilling prophecy which will undermine your desire to put in your best effort. Your thought process may be something like, “In any case, I am only average — what good is my studying hard going to do? ” Who has given you that label, and why have you accepted it?
I have raised some tough questions for you, which may not be easy to answer. But think about them.

Be an independent learner first : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 31, 2010

The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt 31.12.10

Dear Madam,

I am in the ninth standard and I cannot perform well in class. I feel neglected by my maths teacher. She only takes time to explain formulas and techniques to those who study well. My doubts are never cleared. My mother shouts at me because I cannot improve my grades. What should I do? Please help

Radhika

Dear Radhika

You have written that you ‘cannot’ do well in class. I am not sure whether you meant to say ‘cannot’ or ‘do not’. If you say you ‘cannot’ do well, then it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy — since you believe you cannot do it, you never will be able to do it. On the other hand, if you say you ‘do not’ do well, then you need to believe in yourself and your ability to succeed in achieving goals. You could be in your current situation because of two possibilities.

*The first one is that the pressure you are facing at home is stressing you out, and your stress is not allowing you to focus on understanding what is happening in class. Your belief that you are not ‘good enough’ makes you feel neglected by the maths teacher, whom you say answers only ‘good’ students. You have to believe in yourself and believe that you are as worthy as any other student in getting your doubts clarified. That gives you the courage to raise doubts till they are resolved. Your anxiety about performance may also be hampering your ability to memorise the formulas that are needed. You need to be able to talk to your mother and explain the situation in school. You also need to work on getting the attention that you deserve from you teacher. The other possibility is that you are looking for explanations outside of yourself to counter the fact that you may not be making an honest effort. If you can tell yourself that you have done your best, honest effort, then I would say, don’t focus on results. It is the effort that is important and that will eventually pay off. Good luck.

Dear Madam,

I completed engineering in Electronics and Communication in 2009. I have not worked or studied since. I was not motivated or interested in studying further. But, after a year of doing nothing, I want to work and help my parents financially. How do I motivate myself? What should I do?

Gulshan

Dear Gulshan

I sense that you regret having wasted a year of your time and now you want to make amends. You also regret that this wasted year has made you lazy, frustrated and de-motivated.

You now seem to be ready to take on larger responsibilities in life, and that in itself will be a motivator. And, if this past year has made you learn that lesson, then you need not view it as entirely wasted. Try working with some simple short-term goals initially.

Success in achievement of those goals will motivate you to take on more challenging tasks in the long run. You may, however, like to explore why you feel that you have no motivation or interest in life. For this, talk to someone you can trust — a counsellor, friend, parent — who will help you explore these roadblocks. I think it is very important for you to recognise why and how you got to this state so that you can become aware of your patterns and avoid repeating them in future. All the best!

Dear Madam,

I am studying engineering at GIT College. I got 65% in II PUC and I am an average student. I used to be a top performer but now I feel like I have lost that ability to work hard or learn. Until Class 8, I had good scores. Now, my friends and teachers have to help me. How can I improve my scores and myself? Please help.

Anusha

Dear Anusha

It is not uncommon for children to do well in the early years of school and then to let performance taper off as the work load increases. When you say that you are now not able to study, you need to explore what that means.

Please ask yourself the following questions:

*Does it mean that you don’t understand what is being taught? Or, does it mean that you are not putting in enough effort in studying because you are distracted by other things?

I also don’t understand what you mean by the fact that your friends and teachers help you all the time.

*Are they doing your work for you or are they giving you concessions so that you can get by?

Both options are not conducive to an independent learner and the only person who can put a stop to that is, you. You need to learn to depend on yourself and believe in yourself and your ability to perform. Also, remember that eventual success in the workplace is not a function of mere marks. It is also (and probably more so) dependent on your confidence, communication skills, on-the-job skills, your ability to think out-of-the-box, team player skills, and the ability to lead a team, among a host of other skills which do not get reflected in your marks.