[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on August 20, 2015]
Dear Madam,
I am an undergraduate student currently doing internship. I belong to a lower middle class family. I was doing well in my studies till the second year. But in second year I got disturbed as financial problems arose in my family and the family harmony was affected. At the same time I fell in love, and failed. My friends too betrayed me. I feel guilty about having wasted my time in unnecessary stuff.
I should have realized my family expectations and condition. I became negative and lacked interest in studying and socializing with friends. As a result my studies were affected and slowly I became depressed and frustrated with my condition.
With the help of a lecturer I tried to recover and revive my self-confidence. I studied diligently in my final year and I improved. However, the problem of depression still persisted. Currently I am having physiological complaints like lack of sleep, lack of interest in food, feeling low and lack of energy through the day.
I try hard to concentrate on my studies but cannot. I also think that my memory is going weak as I am forgetting things easily. I am unable to take action of what I want to do and end up doing nothing.
I try to motivate myself through books but my motivation is short lived. My lack of concentration, low energy, and persistent forgetfulness is affecting me. I want to get rid of this as I am afraid that this problem could hamper my career and future. Please help me in this regard.
A student
Dear Student
It is good that you are recognizing that there may be a more persistent problem for which you may need more help. I think it is important to get yourself evaluated for depression by a psychiatrist and take the help needed for you to get out of it.
Like other chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes and hyper-tension, depression may also need some medication as it may be the result of chemical imbalance in the brain.
If you are assessed for being clinically depressed, and you take the medication you should start feeling better in a couple of weeks. If possible, also try and supplement the medication with some counselling that will help you feel better about yourself, deal with your guilt, and gain a different perspective on the situation you are trying to handle.
I am not sure which city you are in, and if you have access to a counsellor. If not, you could get some free counselling support from the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. All the best.
Dear Madam,
My daughter is very bad in her studies. In PUC she failed in two subjects which she cleared in the supplementary exam. Immediately she was admitted to an Engineering College in Mysore (for Information science). In the first semester she failed to clear 4 subjects, and continued to the 2nd semester.
When the results were announced, she failed in 7 subjects, including 4 subjects in the first semester. We are utterly confused. Could you guide us? Shall I ask her to concentrate in 7 subjects by remaining at home and preparing well before going for the 3rd semester next year, or discontinue her studies and join some other course like BCA.
Alternatively pursue the 3rd semester and simultaneously appear for the failed subjects in the coming supplementary exam. We seek your valuable suggestion. An aggrieved parent
Dear aggrieved parent
It is not about asking her to follow one path or the other, it is about having a conversation with her to understand what is holding her back from achieving her potential. Does she feel she is in the wrong field and would she rather be doing something else? Or does she feel she is in the right field, but is distracted and unable to focus due to stress, anxiety or some other reason which she may need help dealing with. Or does she believe she is just not capable to deal with these subjects?
It is important to be able to have these conversations in a non-judgmental accepting way so that she feels comfortable expressing her fears and anxieties.
I am sure her situation must be causing her difficulty as well, and it is important for you as a parent to support her in this journey so that she comes out successfully at the other end, with the least emotional damage.
Dear Madam
How do I explain to my classmate that I just don’t want to hear about her boring stories all the time? She goes on about the dullest things but I don’t want to be rude. Help!Anonymous
Dear friend
Our reactions to a particular situation often stem from our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences. It may be worthwhile for you to take a few self-reflective moments to understand where you impatience is stemming from? What do you feel when she tells you those stories? What stops you from participating in those stories and also telling some of your own? What stops you from being genuinely interested in her?
And if you are not, what makes you still hang around her, even though you would rather not? What is the gain you are getting out of it? Time for some self-reflection, I think. All the best.
Dear Madam
My son has just turned 14 and I have a suspicion that he's started smoking marijuana. He's always been such good boy, and we've always been very close as a family. But just recently he's started coming back to the house with red eyes, in the middle of the night, and locking himself in his room. What can I do?A concerned mother
Dear concerned mother,
I would think it is time to have some genuine communication within the family. Don’t focus simply on the behaviors, but on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are leading to his indulging in those behaviors.
Don’t be judgmental and dismissive of him, but go into the conversation with an open heart and open mind and a willingness to listen, understand and mentor. He is still a ‘good boy’ but is just not doing something not so good. That does not erase and nullify all is goodness.
He needs guidance, mentoring, love and help. You may stop the smoking and still not address the underlying emotions and needs, which may result in only a short-lived solution to the problem. Hope this helps. All the best.
I am an undergraduate student currently doing internship. I belong to a lower middle class family. I was doing well in my studies till the second year. But in second year I got disturbed as financial problems arose in my family and the family harmony was affected. At the same time I fell in love, and failed. My friends too betrayed me. I feel guilty about having wasted my time in unnecessary stuff.
I should have realized my family expectations and condition. I became negative and lacked interest in studying and socializing with friends. As a result my studies were affected and slowly I became depressed and frustrated with my condition.
With the help of a lecturer I tried to recover and revive my self-confidence. I studied diligently in my final year and I improved. However, the problem of depression still persisted. Currently I am having physiological complaints like lack of sleep, lack of interest in food, feeling low and lack of energy through the day.
I try hard to concentrate on my studies but cannot. I also think that my memory is going weak as I am forgetting things easily. I am unable to take action of what I want to do and end up doing nothing.
I try to motivate myself through books but my motivation is short lived. My lack of concentration, low energy, and persistent forgetfulness is affecting me. I want to get rid of this as I am afraid that this problem could hamper my career and future. Please help me in this regard.
A student
Dear Student
It is good that you are recognizing that there may be a more persistent problem for which you may need more help. I think it is important to get yourself evaluated for depression by a psychiatrist and take the help needed for you to get out of it.
Like other chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes and hyper-tension, depression may also need some medication as it may be the result of chemical imbalance in the brain.
If you are assessed for being clinically depressed, and you take the medication you should start feeling better in a couple of weeks. If possible, also try and supplement the medication with some counselling that will help you feel better about yourself, deal with your guilt, and gain a different perspective on the situation you are trying to handle.
I am not sure which city you are in, and if you have access to a counsellor. If not, you could get some free counselling support from the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. All the best.
Dear Madam,
My daughter is very bad in her studies. In PUC she failed in two subjects which she cleared in the supplementary exam. Immediately she was admitted to an Engineering College in Mysore (for Information science). In the first semester she failed to clear 4 subjects, and continued to the 2nd semester.
When the results were announced, she failed in 7 subjects, including 4 subjects in the first semester. We are utterly confused. Could you guide us? Shall I ask her to concentrate in 7 subjects by remaining at home and preparing well before going for the 3rd semester next year, or discontinue her studies and join some other course like BCA.
Alternatively pursue the 3rd semester and simultaneously appear for the failed subjects in the coming supplementary exam. We seek your valuable suggestion. An aggrieved parent
Dear aggrieved parent
It is not about asking her to follow one path or the other, it is about having a conversation with her to understand what is holding her back from achieving her potential. Does she feel she is in the wrong field and would she rather be doing something else? Or does she feel she is in the right field, but is distracted and unable to focus due to stress, anxiety or some other reason which she may need help dealing with. Or does she believe she is just not capable to deal with these subjects?
It is important to be able to have these conversations in a non-judgmental accepting way so that she feels comfortable expressing her fears and anxieties.
I am sure her situation must be causing her difficulty as well, and it is important for you as a parent to support her in this journey so that she comes out successfully at the other end, with the least emotional damage.
Dear Madam
How do I explain to my classmate that I just don’t want to hear about her boring stories all the time? She goes on about the dullest things but I don’t want to be rude. Help!Anonymous
Dear friend
Our reactions to a particular situation often stem from our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences. It may be worthwhile for you to take a few self-reflective moments to understand where you impatience is stemming from? What do you feel when she tells you those stories? What stops you from participating in those stories and also telling some of your own? What stops you from being genuinely interested in her?
And if you are not, what makes you still hang around her, even though you would rather not? What is the gain you are getting out of it? Time for some self-reflection, I think. All the best.
Dear Madam
My son has just turned 14 and I have a suspicion that he's started smoking marijuana. He's always been such good boy, and we've always been very close as a family. But just recently he's started coming back to the house with red eyes, in the middle of the night, and locking himself in his room. What can I do?A concerned mother
Dear concerned mother,
I would think it is time to have some genuine communication within the family. Don’t focus simply on the behaviors, but on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are leading to his indulging in those behaviors.
Don’t be judgmental and dismissive of him, but go into the conversation with an open heart and open mind and a willingness to listen, understand and mentor. He is still a ‘good boy’ but is just not doing something not so good. That does not erase and nullify all is goodness.
He needs guidance, mentoring, love and help. You may stop the smoking and still not address the underlying emotions and needs, which may result in only a short-lived solution to the problem. Hope this helps. All the best.
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