Is your child’s behavior worrying you?

[The following article written by me was published in the White Swan Foundation website:

http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/is-your-childs-behavior-worrying-you/ ]

Ever so often a parent sets up time for their child’s counselling because the child is acting out and misbehaving – throwing temper tantrums; being rude; addicted to the mobile (or to technology); not studying; being distracted; not getting the marks; not interacting with peers; not ‘listening’; the list can go on. Parents want the child counselled so that the behavior can be ‘fixed’.

My view is that behavior cannot be ‘fixed’ unless we understand the feelings and thoughts that result in it. The linkages between thoughts, feelings and behavior have been well researched and form the foundation of what is popularly called cognitive behavioral therapy and is a well-established mode of therapy for various mental health conditions. While I am not going to go into the details of CBT as it is popularly called, I do want to take a minute to illustrate the linkage because understanding it can enable us to look at our children’s issues (and our own) very differently.

Let’s take the example of a child going into a new school and being faced with a situation where he needs to interact and mingle with a whole new set of peers. If this child

• thinks he is not good enough and others are better than him; he questions himself on whether he is 'good enough for that group'; then he
• feels unsure, unconfident, insecure and hesitant, which makes him
• behaves meekly and mildly, when he walks up to peer-groups very hesitantly and in an unsure, tentative voice pleads to be allowed to join in the group. The typical response he will get from the group in such a situation will be one of rejection.

As adults in the life of the child, we typically see the meek and mild behavior and his social isolation and tell him to behave more confidently and make more friends. We do not focus on his underlying feelings of insecurity and lack of confidence due to his low self-esteem and belief that he is not good enough. In the counselling room what presents itself is often behavior which the adults want ‘fixed’. “Tell him how to make more friends” one parent may say. Or, “tell him how to be more confident”. What needs to be addressed though, are the unhelpful, dysfunctional and often irrational beliefs that result in the feelings and consequent behaviors.

Let’s look at the same scenario, but in this case the child

• thinks he is good enough and as good as the others; instead of doubting himself, he questions himself on whether the others are “good enough to be his friends”; then he
• feels confident and secure, which makes him
• behave confidently, when he walks up to the peer-group and in a clear confident voice introduces himself and asks to join the group. The typical response he will get from the group in such a situation will be one of friendliness and acceptance.

The situation in both cases is the same. The difference is the beliefs the child has about himself and his surroundings, which in turn, evoke feelings of confidence or uncertainty and result in very different behaviors.

So whenever we are confronted with a situation where our child is behaving in a way that is not acceptable to us, let’s go a little deeper and not just scratch the surface. Let’s try and uncover what the child is feeling, and understand the child’s thoughts and beliefs that are resulting in those feelings. But during this process of digging deeper, we need to ensure that we are able to remain non-judgmental and not end up being defensive.

Sometimes in this process of discovery we may realize that the child has ended up with some beliefs that we, as parents, did not intend for him to have. You wanted your child to be a confident high-achiever. How did he end up with such a lack of confidence? And that may then result in your having to answer some tough questions for yourself on what you did wrong or said wrong. And that may not always be a pleasant exercise for you.

The important thing is also to be non-judgmental, and accepting, not only of your child, but also of yourself. You have to believe in your ability to be a ‘good enough’ parent. You have to believe in yourself, only then will your child end up believing in himself. Remember, you are not perfect and you don’t need to be. You are good enough. And your child is not perfect, and does not need to be. Your child is good enough.

So if your child is throwing temper tantrums, don’t just try to stop the angry behavior. Try to understand the source of the angry feelings and address those. If your child is engaging in attention-seeking behavior, don’t just dismiss the behavior because you don’t want to give in to the demand for attention. Try and understand why the child needs to resort to the attention-seeking behavior to get the attention he probably rightfully deserves. If your child is addicted to technology, don’t just threaten to take away the mobile or other gadget, but try and understand what need is being fulfilled by the addiction that is not being met otherwise. What is the thought or belief that makes the child prefer the virtual world to the real world? If the child is constantly distracted and unable to focus, try and understand what thoughts (fears, anxieties, and hopes) are filling up his mind-space and give him an opportunity to air them.

This may seem hard, and beyond you. But in reality it is not. It just requires you to ‘listen’ with your hearts and understand and accept yourself and your children. This may require you to reskill yourself, and respond differently from what you are used to, but it is eminently doable. The rewards are definitely worth it – for yourself, for your children, and for your relationship with them.

Overcoming your Difficulties - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on August 20, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am an undergraduate student currently doing internship. I belong to a lower middle class family. I was doing well in my studies till the second year. But in second year I got disturbed as financial problems arose in my family and the family harmony was affected. At the same time I fell in love, and failed. My friends too betrayed me. I feel guilty about having wasted my time in unnecessary stuff. 

I should have realized my family expectations and condition. I became negative and lacked interest in studying and socializing with friends. As a result my studies were affected and slowly I became depressed and frustrated with my condition.

With the help of a lecturer I tried to recover and revive my self-confidence. I studied diligently in my final year and I improved. However, the problem of depression still persisted. Currently I am having physiological complaints like lack of sleep, lack of interest in food, feeling low and lack of energy through the day. 

I try hard to concentrate on my studies but cannot. I also think that my memory is going weak as I am forgetting things easily. I am unable to take action of what I want to do and end up doing nothing.

I try to motivate myself through books but my motivation is short lived. My lack of concentration, low energy, and persistent forgetfulness is affecting me. I want to get rid of this as I am afraid that this problem could hamper my career and future. Please help me in this regard.
A student
Dear Student
It is good that you are recognizing that there may be a more persistent problem for which you may need more help. I think it is important to get yourself evaluated for depression by a psychiatrist and take the help needed for you to get out of it.

Like other chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes and hyper-tension, depression may also need some medication as it may be the result of chemical imbalance in the brain.

If you are assessed for being clinically depressed, and you take the medication you should start feeling better in a couple of weeks. If possible, also try and supplement the medication with some counselling that will help you feel better about yourself, deal with your guilt, and gain a different perspective on the situation you are trying to handle.

I am not sure which city you are in, and if you have access to a counsellor. If not, you could get some free counselling support from the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. All the best.

Dear Madam,
My daughter is very bad in her studies. In PUC she failed in two subjects which she cleared in the supplementary exam. Immediately she was admitted to an Engineering College in Mysore (for Information science). In the first semester she failed to clear 4 subjects, and continued to the 2nd semester.

When the results were announced, she failed in 7 subjects, including 4 subjects in the first semester. We are utterly confused. Could you guide us? Shall I ask her to concentrate in 7 subjects by remaining at home and preparing well before going for the 3rd semester next year, or discontinue her studies and join some other course like BCA.

Alternatively pursue the 3rd semester and simultaneously appear for the failed subjects in the coming supplementary exam. We seek your valuable suggestion. An aggrieved parent
Dear aggrieved parent
It is not about asking her to follow one path or the other, it is about having a conversation with her to understand what is holding her back from achieving her potential. Does she feel she is in the wrong field and would she rather be doing something else? Or does she feel she is in the right field, but is distracted and unable to focus due to stress, anxiety or some other reason which she may need help dealing with. Or does she believe she is just not capable to deal with these subjects?

It is important to be able to have these conversations in a non-judgmental accepting way so that she feels comfortable expressing her fears and anxieties.

I am sure her situation must be causing her difficulty as well, and it is important for you as a parent to support her in this journey so that she comes out successfully at the other end, with the least emotional damage.

Dear Madam
How do I explain to my classmate that I just don’t want to hear about her boring stories all the time? She goes on about the dullest things but I don’t want to be rude. Help!Anonymous
Dear friend

Our reactions to a particular situation often stem from our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences. It may be worthwhile for you to take a few self-reflective moments to understand where you impatience is stemming from? What do you feel when she tells you those stories? What stops you from participating in those stories and also telling some of your own? What stops you from being genuinely interested in her?

And if you are not, what makes you still hang around her, even though you would rather not? What is the gain you are getting out of it? Time for some self-reflection, I think. All the best.

Dear Madam
My son has just turned 14 and I have a suspicion that he's started smoking marijuana. He's always been such good boy, and we've always been very close as a family. But just recently he's started coming back to the house with red eyes, in the middle of the night, and locking himself in his room. What can I do?A concerned mother
Dear concerned mother,
I would think it is time to have some genuine communication within the family. Don’t focus simply on the behaviors, but on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are leading to his indulging in those behaviors.

Don’t be judgmental and dismissive of him, but go into the conversation with an open heart and open mind and a willingness to listen, understand and mentor. He is still a ‘good boy’ but is just not doing something not so good. That does not erase and nullify all is goodness.

He needs guidance, mentoring, love and help. You may stop the smoking and still not address the underlying emotions and needs, which may result in only a short-lived solution to the problem. Hope this helps. All the best.

Be anxiety-free - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on February 12, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I’m currently a first year student at a well-known college in Dharwad. I stay in a hostel as my parents live in Belgaum. For some reason, I was not able to study in Dharwad, so my parents thought of bringing me back to Belgaum. The problem is that my subject combination is PCM and Statistics, but there is no college in Belgaum that offers Statistics as an option. Am I allowed to change my combination for the second year? Please help me with some solution.
Aniket
Dear Aniket
I do not know anything about the rules around changing of subjects and things like that. I am sure your new college, or previous college will be able to answer that. 

However, I would like you to try and understand for yourself why you were unable to study in Dharwad. Understanding that, and maybe addressing it, will help you make the best choice for yourself. 

What was holding you back in Dharwad? Was it peer pressure to appear ‘cool’ and not study? Was it fear of the future and exams which led to anxiety that did not let you focus? Was it due to the fact that you were missing the safety, comfort and nurturing at home? Was it because you were being bullied? Was it because of distractions around girls? Or, some other reason. Identifying the reason and working on it will ensure that you do not repeat the same problem in your new college. 

But this exercise may not be easy and you may need the help of a trusted adult, or a counsellor, to arrive at some answers for yourself. You may also call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 for free counselling support over the phone since you may not have access to a face-to-face counsellor. All the best.

Dear Madam, 
My daughter is in the eighth standard. She spends a lot of time watching TV, sometimes watching it until 11 pm and beyond. This leaves very little time for her studies and is affecting her academics. I have attempted to discourage her by setting some rules, but she gets annoyed. It has reached a situation where I have lost control over her. What do I do? 
Tense mother

Dear mother
Maybe you should get some help and support to understand what is going on for you. The reasons for your anxiety, and the feeling of loss of control and the resultant fear around that. Also, to help you regain your influence (I prefer that word to control) over your daughter. Influence is a much more powerful tool than control. 

Also, very often, with our children, we look at behaviours and seek to change behaviours that we don’t like. 

We never try to understand the behaviours in terms of the feelings and thoughts that are driving them. Behaviours are always linked to thoughts and feelings and those are what we actually need to address.

It is possible that your daughter is using the TV-watching as an escape because the work at hand is too overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. 

Then that is what needs to be addressed, not the TV watching. When we don’t understand the feelings and thoughts, we are not able to connect to the child and we just keep trying to stop behaviours that we don’t like. 

Like in an iceberg, the behaviours that are visible only give a small percentage of the whole story. We need to see the iceberg in its totality.

So my advice to you would be to seek to influence, not to control; and seek to understand the part of the iceberg that is not visible and is under the surface. And if you are not able to do this by yourself, please reach out for help to a counsellor.
All the best

Dear Madam
My daughter who is in I PU (PCMB) says she forgets the subjects once she receives the question paper even though she has prepared well. What is the reason? Is this a common problem among students. Please advise. 
George Jose 

Dear George
Yes, this happens sometimes as exams can be very anxiety provoking for some students and if the anxiety is not addressed and put into perspective, then issues stemming from the anxiety fill up all the working memory, leaving little space for actual study material that is to be remembered.

I have written extensively on this topic in this column before and I would urge you to read my earlier columns that are archived on my blog. In particular I would suggest you read ‘Demystifying exam anxiety” http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html and another one titled “Why exams are nothing to worry about” http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html . I think these will help you and her understand the phenomena and make necessary changes.

It is also important that you, as parents, be mindful of the pressure you put on her around the exams and the expectations you have around marks. Sometimes, we don’t realise it, but we are the source of the stress. 

And often, even if we are not, our children think they need to live up to our expectations, or their own, and put pressure on themselves.

If these inputs help, that is great, otherwise it will be beneficial for your daughter to see a counsellor who may help her address some of her fears around exams.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of engineering and fairly good in studies. I have always dreamt of doing something on my own – doing something big. But I have no idea in which field. What would you have done if you were in my shoes? I really do not know how to get to my final destination. How do I go about realising my dream?
SK 

Dear SK
What I would have done if I were in your shoes is really not relevant, because your shoes are different and unique and only you can fit best into them.

It is important to discover your passion and understand your dreams better. What are your motivations for doing something on your own? What does doing something big mean – big in terms of money, big in terms of impact, big in terms of fame, big in terms of earth-shattering discovery? So what does ‘big’ mean to you? What are your motivators in life – money, influence, fame, impact, leisure, relationships? These are some questions you need to take time to answer. 

Also identify your strengths and weaknesses and identify areas that play to your strengths. 

Then look at the kind of opportunities that you can take advantage of, and threats that may hamper your path. Also list down areas that are of interest to you – an interest that is deep and lasting. Also understand what success and failure mean to you and how you define them. 

Once you have done some of this soul-searching, possible options may start appearing. Your introspection may yield different answers as you ‘grow’ but that’s a good place to start.Good luck

Spare a thought, spare the rod

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of August 16, 2012]

There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical violence to instill discipline. Maullika Sharma explains this further.
 
Today, for the fourth time in many days, in my counselling room, I met with children who are victims of physical abuse at home – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod.Apart from the fact that it got me really agitated, it also made me think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to physically hurt their child; the myths surrounding domestic abuse; and the psychological and emotional fallout of this parental behaviour on their children.

I would like to believe that such acts of violence are mindless, automatic responses to a stimulus, rather than thought-out actions. And this is a humble attempt at making parents aware of the implications of these thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behaviour, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

So what drives a parent to physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons. One of these and a very significant one is the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but take a minute to recollect those feelings.

The second reason is anxiety — anxiety about their child’s performance and a feeling of helplessness and being unable to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out “right.” This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stress, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with ‘life’ and this is their way of expressing their anger. What ‘safer’ way for the parents to express their anger than targeting someone who is ‘powerless’ to respond?

There are several myths surrounding the “need” to resort to physical violence while bringing up children. Parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful, so that they remain in control. On the contrary, these children believe their parents are ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their abilities to guide and mentor them.

Parents believe that if they beat their child, he/she will stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track. Parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way.

Parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this results only in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. Parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehaviour. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. Parents believe that if their child is scared of them, he/she will not do anything “wrong”. On the contrary, their child is even more motivated to do “wrong” behind the parents’ back.

Parents believe that if their child is scared of being hit, then he/she will focus on his/her work. On the contrary, this distracts the child and the fear stops him/her from being able to concentrate and focus. Parents believe that fear is essential to focus and achieve “something” in life. On the contrary, fear may motivate them to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical abuse to instill discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, they learn that violence is an acceptable reaction and so start practising it themselves.

They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, so that they get targeted by other bullies.

Children will then work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They will slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a ‘duty-bound’ relationship with their parents. But that is not a relationship built on love, bond, communication, trust and care.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties, whether that means practising meditation or talking to a friend or seeking the help of a counsellor.

Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behaviour.