Focus on What You can Control - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald on July 13th 2017]

Image for representation.

Dear Madam, 

I am an extremely shy person. As a result, I often get bullied for not talking and socialising with others, and get called studious and serious all the time. However, this is not the case. How can I overcome this situation?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It may be helpful for you to understand your shyness a little more. Shyness often is the result of fear of the judgement of other people. We fear what they will think about us and how they will judge us. We fear a negative impression that we may make on them. We fear that if we interact with them, then they will come to know who we really are and their opinion of us will not be good. We predict this negative judgement from others about us. So, try and talk to a counsellor who may be able to understand this fear of judgment and help you interact with others more easily. Being shy is different from being an introvert. Being an introvert means you prefer to be by yourself in a quiet, less stimulating environment. Being shy means you fear negative judgment. Decide who you truly are and then act accordingly.

Dear Madam, 
I am a recent graduate and will soon start working in a corporate environment. However, as this is my first job, I fear that I may not fare well in my new role. How can I overcome this fear and give my best?
Recent graduate

Dear Recent graduate,

A first job is an exciting time. You are about to enter the next phase of your life. Congratulations! Remember, success in the workplace is more often a result of your confidence, your ability to learn on the job, your ability to solve problems and think out of the box, your ability to be an effective team member, and a leader, your communication skills and several other such soft life skills, than your existing knowledge about the job. That is something you are meant to learn on the job, not necessarily possess beforehand. Your ability to learn quickly and adapt to situations is what will hold you in good stead. All change is scary and often difficult because it requires you to step out of comfort zone. It may be helpful to talk this through with a counsellor who can help you understand why you are interpreting it negatively and what your fears are. Good luck and give yourself a chance before being a fortune-teller who predicts failure!

Dear Madam, 
I tend to worry and fret over tiny things that occur due to circumstances beyond my control. Due to this, I am unable to finish the task at hand. What can I do to 
ensure that I do not get stressed?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I think it is important for each one of us to focus only on what we can control. We often have a need to control everything that is going on, not only in our lives, but sometimes even in the world. The reality is that we cannot control anything outside of ourselves. We cannot control our family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, the man on the road, the weather, the world. There will always be things, people and events that we cannot control. We can only control ourselves – our thoughts and perceptions, how we interpret things and people around us, and how much we allow them to rule us and influence us. So, whenever you feel you are getting into this downward spiral, ask yourself what you can control and focus only on that. Let the rest of the world go on. And if you have difficulty doing this on your own, take the help of a counsellor. In case you cannot access a counsellor, call the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 76766 02702.

Dear Madam, 
As a Class 12 student of Science, I am often expected to either get into Engineering or Medicine. However, I do not have interests in either of them. As I am artistic, I either want to take up interior design or be an artist. While my parents support me, they do not fully agree with my career choice. How can I make them understand my choice and create a balance between my passion and work in the future? Kindly guide.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Your parents will be happy, so long as you are happy. Talk to them about your passion for the field, what you hope to achieve, how you think it will be fulfilling for you. But more importantly, talk about how you plan to make a living in that field. That is probably their utmost concern and if you are able to help them see your point of view and understand your plan, it may put some of their fears to rest. But to do that, you must give it some thought yourself and see how you are going to leverage your interest and passion to make a living. This process will force you to think through your options and take the necessary steps to not only pursue a particular area of interest, but to pursue it with a passion that will make you excel in it and make a difference. It may be helpful to talk to people in the field to get ideas from them and understand what you need to do in your journey to succeed. Once your parents understand your passion for the field and are confident that you have thought this through, they will come around, because ultimately, all that they would want is ultimately for you to be happy. Good luck!

Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.

Visualise Your Dreams - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of November 7, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I'm studying 2nd PUC (science-PCMC). I was a bright student when I was in my primary school and was able to achieve more than 90% in my exams. But as the days passed i.e. in my high school, my performance dropped and I got 82 percent in my CBSE exam. Friends was not a problem at all. All were toppers in my group except me. Later on this became even more worse and I got 61% in my first PUC and I truly feel my performance is decreasing even more this year. To be honest, I had good concentration in the beginning but as I cleared my high school and PUC my concentration and interest towards studies kept decreasing every year. I'm very worried about this. When I sit to study, I get the feeling of doing something in life but that momentum is only there for about half an hour. I get distracted very easily. I think "I will do it after sometime" and ultimately the day passes. That leads to studying the whole lesson a day before the exams which I don't want to happen. I really want to get out of this mess. I really want to prove myself. My parents have great hopes on me and they encourage me pretty well. Their words pump me up for the day but that is gone as the day passes. And by the way, I go to tutorials. I find organic chemistry and physics numericals tough; the other subjects are pretty manageable. I take more time than an average student to study. I don't have any problems with languages or with computer science.

I think time management, concentration, determination and hard work have been a major concern for me. I think if I mend my ways, I’ll be on my track but I don’t know how to. I have a very busy schedule on all the days and barely get time to study. I get a day off on Thursday from my tutorials and I'm free for half a day on Sunday. On the rest of the days, I approximately get 5 hours of leisure and the day is very tiring. I think I'm cheating myself and indirectly my parents. I say things but do not implement them. I have the right amount of confidence but don't know how to overcome my problems. Any suggestion on this would be helpful. I intend to do civil engineering in the future.

Thanks   
G.N. SAI SWAROOP

Dear Sai Swaroop

I think you need to spend sometime identifying your passion and your dreams. You say you want to do civil engineering. That, by itself, cannot be your end goal. Studying civil engineering can only be a means to an end. What do you want to do in life, for which you view civil engineering as a stepping stone? What is that future that you dream of? Visualize it. Concretize it as much as possible. Then break it down into smaller achievable goals. Maybe you don’t see your current work as being a stepping stone towards that ultimate goal. You need to be able to understand for yourself how this fits into your own long-term goals. That will help you find your motivation.

There is no substitute for hard-work, diligence, and putting in your best effort. Sometimes we are unable to find the motivation for this because the goals and dreams we are pursuing are not our own, but those of our parents or friends or other people in our lives. You say you want to prove yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. And, remember, the benefits of your hard work and diligence will also come to none other than yourself.

Also, identify the source of your distraction and inability to concentrate. Is it fear of failure, or anxiety about the outcome? Is it some distracting event or person? Is it your inability to comprehend and understand the subject? Is it peer pressure?

Maybe you should start a system of rewarding yourself every time you are able to pull back from being distracted and stay focussed and on track. Such things often help in behavior change over time.

The good thing is that you are aware that your current behavior is not helpful and you want to change it. Getting to that point is often the biggest hurdle. Once you are there I am sure you will find your own ways of overcoming it.

All the best


Dear Ma’am

I am a student of class IX CBSE in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Around 6 months ago I shifted from Tamil Nadu to Karnataka. Here I am not satisfied with anything. The only thing I feel is disappointment. I used to score above 95%, now I hardly score over 85%. My interest over studies is mostly disappeared. I am always distracted. Apart from studies I used to play over 2 hrs daily but here I lack such facilities (playground). I simply waste my thinking of my peer group, my school, my best times and sometimes I feel so disappointed that I even cry for hours together. I just feel I won’t survive this competition. Please direct me to a better future.

A Student

Dear Student

I understand that you are really struggling to adapt to the changes in a new environment. You are missing your old school and old friends. You are missing the fact that academically you used to do really well there. You are missing the fact that you had an opportunity to play there and you don’t have that here. Change is hard for everyone, but some change in life is inevitable. If you learn to embrace change you would have learnt an invaluable life lesson, because the only thing constant in life is that things will change. You will you remember your ‘good times’ in Chennai, remember them with a fondness and nostalgia and tell yourself it is now time for you to move on to different things - different opportunities, different friends, different places. The reason you are finding it hard is because you are resisting change and viewing it as something bad. Instead embrace it and view it as an opening of new doors for you. You will be amazed at the difference your ‘thinking’ will make to your ‘feeling’ about the change. In life, when one door closes, another one always opens. Sometimes, you just need to look a little harder for it.

So embrace change and let the doors open for you.

All the best


Dear Madam,

I am a correspondence MBA student. I am also working in a firm. From my school days I have been a very silent person. I want to talk to everyone & mingle with them, but cannot. I do talk individually with each person, but do not talk when I am within a group of people or in a team at my office. I do not know whether it is an inferiority complex or low confidence. I also feel that people ignore to talk to me & do not recognize me at all. Please help me to overcome this problem.

Thanks,

Dear....

Firstly, I get a sense from your letter that in your mind being a ‘silent’ person is somehow not okay, or a sign of inferiority. That is absolutely not the case and if you are comfortable with your silence it is not a problem at all. It takes all kinds of people to make the world. Some are just more quiet than the others.

Having said that, if you are feeling that you are not comfortable with the fact that you are silent in a group, and you feel it is because of a sense of inferiority or insecurity on your part, then I suggest you have a few sessions of counselling. This will help you identify and overcome the fears that are holding you back. It will also help you build your self esteem. People tend to reflect back to you what you feel about yourself. If you feel inferior, you will feel that people are treating you in a way that shows you are in deed inferior. Counselling can help you address that very effectively. So take the first step to helping yourself along this journey. You owe it to yourself.

All the best


Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. Previously I was interested in opting for Science after 10th but now I am much more interested in opting for Arts. My parents are not happy with my decision as all of my cousins had taken Science. They have told me that I need to tell them what I am going to do in my life as they don’t think if there is any future in arts. I don’t know much about streams which I can opt for after my PU as I had been researching about engineering. I want to go for film making and choreography. I like to study about human behavior too. I also dream of becoming a politician one day but I don’t want to tell that to my parents as they hate politics and feel that one needs to be corrupt to become one. I would first like to become a professional filmmaker and choreographer. I request you to tell me what I can take for these two so that I can give my parents a clear reply and the stream I should take for pursuing higher studies in political science in later life.

A student.

Dear Student

Unfortunately I am not a career counsellor and have no capability to guide you about what courses you should take. I think you would benefit from getting some career counselling to help you match your interests, abilities and strengths to career options. Since you have a wide range of options in front of you, you may do well to get some formal guidance about it.

I agree that you should take subjects that you are interested in, not just those that your parents tell you to take or those that your cousins took. However, it may serve you well to visualize your end career goal, and then choose your subjects merely as a stepping stone towards achieving that goal.

Your parents are right in being concerned about what you want to do. However, you should not take this ‘you’ vs. ‘them’ approach. Try and engage them in the process of helping you choose your career path, and therefore your subjects. Ultimately they want what is best for you, and the more clarity you have about your path the more comfortable they will feel with your choices.

All the best.