Decisions must be yours - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on December 31, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I come from a remote area and humble background, where I struggled to get a single meal after I lost my father and brother during my primary school. Later, life become very hard and I struggled a lot. With great difficulty, I have completed my graduation and post-graduation in regional languages (working and studying) and was struggling to speak in English.

I somehow came to Bangalore and joined a BPO and slowly learnt the language. However, I still face a problem while constructing sentences and speaking in English. I am not able to put in words easily while speaking and writing. I have been humiliated and frustrated. I lost promotions also due to my lack of good English. I have joined coaching centres, but they don’t seem to be working.

I thought of taking competitive exams, but due to hesitation in English (presenting, writing analytically and speaking without stopping). I am feeling frustrated and can’t achieve what I want to and push myself down day by day. 

My query is — is there any course where I can improve my English. I am ready to quit my job and pursue my dream. I request you to kindly provide complete details of any institution in India (address and contact number) where I can realize my long-cherished dream. 

Or can I join any English major degree which can help me to overcome my fear, struggle and fulfill my dreams? If yes, please let me know about the good colleges in India. I am anticipating your valuable guidance.
Ganapathy

Dear Ganapathy
I understand that you have hesitation in communicating in English and I applaud you for the courage it must have taken for you to send in this letter. Learning a new language and successfully communicating in it, has more to do with your confidence in yourself and your willingness to make mistakes and learn from them, than it has to do with joining the best course available.

I am not in a position to answer your question on best courses available, because that is not my area. However, I would like you to take inspiration from our current prime minister who could not speak English when he came to the position, and now  is giving speeches in English in different parts of the world. 

So don’t lose hope. Just practise, practise, practise. More than a class, find yourself some friends with whom you can speak and not be afraid of making a mistake. Ask them to correct you if you say something wrong. Let them know that English is not your strength area and that you want to practise the language. 

Ask them if they can help you. You won’t learn anything new unless you are ready to make mistakes in front of others. One learns from one’s mistakes. So be upfront about your hesitation, and your desire to improve, and seek help from everyone you can.

There is nothing more to it. But this route requires you to not only take some risks, but risks in front of others. So reach out and you will be surprised at how many people will be able to assist you in this journey.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
We feel our son, who is 10, has a very high IQ. We are not sure if it has to be checked at this age and for any purpose. He is quite good in studies, but we are just eager to guide him right. He gets easily distracted; he thinks too many things at the same time. His teachers find him difficult to handle because he gets diverted very easily, although they are very happy with regard to studies and his performance. Perhaps, we are not feeding him enough knowledge, information that can make him a thinker and better focussed.

He is also a voracious reader. Any book, riddles such as crossword, sudoku make him sit with concentration and rapt attention. He is also very good at drawing. We sent him to train under professional artists, but they couldn’t make him draw the usual way. 

He has his own choices and cannot sit patiently with the pencil and colouring, the common way. But when he puts his heart into anything particular, or his daily scribblings, they are excellent.
Our questions are:1. Is it too early for us to worry about his focus? 2. Do we have any special courses/scholarship for high IQ kids in India? 3. Is there any postal courses (not as a hobby) in drawing for kids like him in India?
SA

Dear SA
I cannot answer the specific questions you have raised at the end of your letter. However, it would be good to get your child evaluated by a psychologist for IQ, attention, focus etc. What that will do is it will tell you whether your son is within the norms of normalcy, or outside of it and needs special attention. Without this evaluation, you will not be able to give him the inputs that may be appropriate. So take the first step. Also be observant about his interactions with peers and his other behaviours and discuss these in your meeting with the psychologist.

Dear Madam,
I am 27 years old. I have completed computer science engineering in 2013. I was supposed to have graduated in 2010. Right now, I am in a dilemma. I don’t know which path to choose. I didn’t give many IT interviews because of my backlogs and low grades. I have chosen UPSC as my aim now, but my dad tells me to go abroad for MBA. He tells me I can’t clear UPSC. But I want to stay in India, as my mom is not well and she wants me to be in the civil services field and sometimes she is also worried about me. I am afraid about making the wrong career choice. I am an average guy, but I have some confidence that I can clear UPSC, but many demotivate me so that I don’t do work hard enough. I am scared. Please guide me.
A student
Dear Student
Please believe in yourself and do what your heart desires. Ultimately, there will always be many people giving you a lot of advice, based on their own assessment, their own value systems, and their own aspirations for themselves and for you. You could take all those inputs, but ultimately, the decision must be yours. It is helpful to remember that there is not only one right choice. 

You can make any choice you take work for you or not work for you. You can go abroad and do your MBA and make a great success of it, or you can waste that opportunity and make nothing of it. Or you can take the UPSC exam and make a success of it and a success of the opportunities that come up because of it, or you can waste it by not living a meaningful life. There is more than one path to success and happiness, because ultimately, success and happiness depend on how you define it for yourself, not on how others define it for yourself.

Don’t let other’s assessment of your capabilities colour your decision. If your heart lies in taking the UPSC exam, please take it and give it your best shot. If it doesn’t work out, there will be other paths that you can go down. You could do MBA then. Or you could do the MBA and then do the UPSC also. Like I said, there are many paths you can go down, and each path can be right for you. The important thing is to believe in yourself and make the choice that you feel fits best for you at this point of time.

Also, try and understand your fears. Answer the question – what is the worst thing that you are scared of happening? Often, when you name it, you will realise that ‘worst fear’ is not something you won’t be able to deal with. All the best.

Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.

Identify your fear - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Times online edition on May 15, 2014]

Dear Madam
I am 25 years old and am currently unemployed. I completed my BCA in 2011 and since then I have desperately been searching for a job but I couldn’t find a suitable one for myself, I was diagnosed for aplastic anaemia while I was in the second year of graduation. Since then I have been under medication and have been admitted to hospital several times. I am medically unfit as my immunity is very low. Due to bad circumstances my career took a back seat. Somehow I finished my degree. As of now I want to pursue an MBA, but considering my health and financial situation I am unable to take a risk. I am really confused and depressed about my career.  I come from a very poor background and highly dependent on my relatives and friends. I have many dreams and ambitions to fulfill. I want to achieve many things in life.
XYZ    

Dear XYZ
It is unfortunate that you were faced with health conditions that interfered with your education. However, you must just view them as an obstacle that you have overcome. You should feel proud of the fact that in spite of everything you were able to clear your exams. Many circumstances are beyond our control and we just have to learn to do the best we can with them. There is no reason why you should give up on your dreams and ambitions. You must stay focused on them because that will give you the motivation to push yourself. You could look at options to study while earning – part time options, or distance education options. Or you can look at earning for a while, stabilizing your financial situation, and then going back to study. Also, sometimes a lot can be achieved by self-study as well and these days there are many, many options to do that meaningfully. A degree may open some doors, but to make the most of an opportunity you get is not dependent on the degree – it depends on your passion, knowledge, motivation, communication skills, creative thinking, problem solving, and other softer skills. So go ahead and follow your dream, but allow yourself the possibility of following your dream in non-traditional ways as well. Believe in yourself. There are many ways to get to the same destination. And we each need to choose our path given our circumstances.

Dear Madam,
My son is doing his 10th standard. He is a slow learner, suffering from specific learning disability and has been exempted from languages.  He is very interested in subjects like Mathematics and Science, but however much he tries, he is not able to score much. He has an aversion towards Social Science. He wanted to take up only PCMB in PUC and unwilling to take any other subject. He is adamant. His only aim is to become a pilot. Though I keep telling him about the difficulties in doing the course he is not getting convinced. I am very confused. I do not know how to pursue with his future studies. Is there any other option?
N Meera

Dear Meera
What is your reservation about his becoming a pilot. You do not mention anything about why you are against that choice. If he has a passion about what he wants to do and is very clear about it, it is important for us as parents to support their choices. So it is important for you to try and understand what your concerns are. It is important that children like the career path they choose and are passionate about it. That makes for them being much happier as working adults. Many children have no idea about what they want, and you should feel blessed if your child is clear about it. So rather than try and convince him otherwise, I think you should try and introspect and understand your own
reservations on this matter.
All the best

Focus on your dreams - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 19, 2013] 

Dear Madam,

I am a professor (PhD in Pharmacy) and my husband is an engineer (Mechanical). My son is doing Engineering from a reputed college but he is not doing well. He has already lost two years and is still in the first year. He was not good at studies while in school also and he got only 50% for PUC. We put him to Engineering thinking that somehow he will manage. But he has become disinterested in studies now and says he wants to go for modeling and enter film industry. He is good looking and tall. So he is getting the confidence as all his friends say he can become a hero. Since I am in the education field since 25 years, I feel bad about him dropping studies. What do you suggest? Because of this I have health issues also. Please advice.
A concerned mother

Dear Mom,

As parents, we have to learn to let children live their dreams, not ours. We have to be able to separate our issues and concerns from those of our children. We have to be able to address our anxieties and disappointments for ourselves, and not pass them onto our children. Ultimately all parents want their children to be happy and do well, but the mistake we make is we feel that the path we suggest/know/want is the only way to be happy and do well.

We have to learn to watch while our children make mistakes, and then recover from the process, in their journey towards their goals and dreams.

I understand that you are an educationist and both you and your husband are well educated. You would have liked the same for your child, because that is the only proven way for you towards success and happiness. However, if you are able to separate your life’s journey from his, you will let him embark on his journey with confidence. His desired journey is not ‘wrong’ - it is just different from the one you would have chosen either for yourself, or for him.

Also it would be helpful to remember that his choice of goals and paths is not a measure of whether you have been a ‘good enough’ or ‘successful’ parent, or not. Often we are concerned about what society will say about me as a parent if my child chooses this path. Society will only reflect back to you, what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with it, you will not allow what anyone says to impact you.

Ultimately being in a career in which he is not interested, or not able to do well, for whatever reasons, is not the path to happiness for anyone. Do you want him to blame you for his lack of success in his career all his life, or do you want him to take ownership and responsibility for his life and do what he believes will make him happy?

We have to accept that our children, whom we love with all our heart, may make choices that are different from ones we would have made, and that they may even fail in some of those choices, but that is their journey of life, which will teach them lessons along the way. We must just remember to still love them as best we can.

Dear Madam,

I am a second PUC Science student. I had no dreams till Class X, but suddenly there was a lot of pressure on me about studies by my family as they wanted me to work hard. From Class V to IX, I was just a lazy boy - I did not complete my notes,and was a dull student in my class. As time passed by, all my family members began to make fun of me. They used to say I was useless and wanted me to work in garages, so I was very upset. From then onwards I started studying. For SSLC, I just studied for four months and was able to score 68%. All my family members were shocked to hear that I had passed SSLC with 68%. My father himself had doubts about it. That night, I sat and thought about whether to opt for Science or Commerce. I decided on Science and worked hard day and night. I work a lot but am unable to score well. Now I am in the second year. Now there is another problem about the entrance exams this year - It will be ISEET. I take coaching from a reputed lecturer in my city. I am interested in Physics, for which I scored 89% in the first year annual examination. There is a relative of mine who finished his B.Sc in Nautical Science and today he is a captain who earns Rs 14 lakhs per month. But I am a backbencher.

Abdul

Dear Abdul,
I notice from your letter that despite what others around you say about you, if you set your mind to do something, you do it. Even though you did not do academically well till Class IX, because you did not focus on it and were ‘lazy’, once you decided to work you did so well that people around you were surprised by the results. You need to focused on doing what you like to do, and putting in your best effort to achieve what you want to achieve. This is not about what others want of you, or what others say about you - this is about you, your dreams, your life, and what you want to make of it. Don’t let others’ judgements of you define you. Do an honest assessment of your own strengths and weaknesses, your dreams, the opportunities available to you, and the threats that may stop you. By going through this process, get to know yourself better, and let that define you.

Labels that are given to us in childhood by adults around us, have a nasty way of sticking to us and appearing to be the truth. We often carry that baggage along for the rest of our life, unless we become aware of it and consciously choose to discard it.

Dear Madam,

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 11-year-old only son, who studies in Class VI. Either of us are always with him when he sits to study. Besides coaching, encouraging and motivating him, we help him in all aspects of his home work, but his marks graph has been going downward for the last three years. As far as we understand, he attempts all the questions during exam but makes a lot of spelling mistakes resulting in loss of marks for every mistake. In the end, he is awarded less mark for that particular question or no marks at all. Overall he ends up with less grades in each UT/Term exam.

His study pattern is thus: reading the particular chapter of the text book which is being taught in the class during evening or morning hours, identifying hard words and writing them over and over again for two to three days, undertaking dictation for whichever words he can’t write properly, and practicing those for another two days. He reads repeatedly till he memorizes all the answers, meanings, fill in the blanks etc., and answers them orally.

But this method is not helping. We bought online maths tuition for only maths to help him but did not have much success. Can you suggest a better way for him to do well in his studies? One observation we made all these years is, while reading text, many a time, he reads words which are not there in the text at all ( For example, adding ‘s’ where it is not given). He does this even though words are familiar to him and he knows how to read them. He wears spectacles with 3.5 power. We take him for regular checkup in April every year and replace spectacles as prescribed. He was born in the seventh month of pregnancy. Is that determining his studies? Please help. Except in studies, he is very active and mingles with friends, browses computer, uses mobile, in fact tells us some times things we don’t know.

Chandramohan

Dear Chandramohan,

When I read your letter I can sense your anxiety around your child’s academic performance, and I would urge you to get some help to deal with that anxiety first, otherwise you will project that anxiety onto your child in all your interactions and that is not going to help the situation. Address your fears around the matter and see what is driving that anxiety. Take the help of a counsellor in doing this, if possible.

Secondly, please recognize that your child is more than just his academic achievements or lack of academic achievements. He will have other strength areas which you must discover, nurture, cherish and value. He may have weaknesses as well, but that is normal and so do all of us. We need to be able to recognize them and work around them. I do not know enough about your child’s academic abilities, but if you have concerns on that score, you could get him tested to see if he needs any special assistance in certain areas.

Thirdly, I am not sure how much time you insist him to study when he comes back home. It should not be more than an hour or so a day at this level. You need to be able to transfer responsibility to him, and get him motivated to work on his own, without your constant monitoring and assistance. Maybe if you let go a little, he may be able to take more ownership for his work, and feel more of a sense of satisfaction in doing it.

Fourthly, please focus on effort, not on marks. Ultimately he needs to put in his best effort to perform at his optimum level of capability (which may be different from other children, and may not get reflected in marks). Also, please focus on his understanding the material and what he is doing, not on memorizing things he does not understand. That is a very short-term view of studying. Let learning and rewarding effort be the goal, not the memorizing and rewarding marks.

Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 19, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (ICSE) and I have to appear for the Boards in March, 2013. My average percentage has always been between 70 and 80. I understand the concepts very well and I always clear my doubts with my teachers. But I am weak in Hindi, so I go for Hindi tuition. But my parents want me to join a coaching class. Are coaching classes really useful? I have a few friends who are ahead in class because the coaching centres teach certain subjects prior to when it is taught in school. Is it necessary to go there? Is it better than self study?
Betty Roy

Dear Betty,
I am not the best person to advise you about whether you should go for coaching classes or not. It depends on your confidence in your own abilities to be able to follow a regimented routine and showing discipline when it comes to your studies. More than anything else, the coaching classes enforce rigour and structure to your study routine, apart from making you understand concepts thoroughly. If you are confident about being able to do this on your own, then go right ahead. My guess is that your elders are keen on your going for the coaching classes because they are anxious about your future and don’t want to miss out on any step towards ensuring your success. Your belief in your own ability to be able to do this on your own is commendable. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Computer Science engineering student. I am faced with a real problem — I am unable to focus while studying, and that makes me nervous before taking an exam. I have already lost two years and I should have finished my course this year. But instead, I’m struggling to complete the second year. Please guide me so that I can concentrate on my work and become confident. And once I graduate, where can I find work?
Student

Dear Student,
When you convince yourself that you won’t get a job even if you complete your course, you are killing your motivation to work hard. Getting a job in a good company is not the only road to success. Secondly, getting a job in a good company is not only dependent on your marks. It is also dependent on your level of confidence, your ability to communicate, your ability to think creatively and solve problems, your ability to be a team player and a team leader, your willingness to work hard, etc. Your marks may just open a door of opportunity, but will have no role to play in your making a success of that opportunity. That will depend on your attitude and skill, more than on anything else. Success is not dependent on what course you do. It is dependent on you, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your attitude. All the best.

Never Lose Hope -Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Jan 25, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old, third year engineering student. I want to become an entrepreneur (businessman) and then branch into psychology. How can I achieve this? I want to meet and attend talks by Vishweshwar Bhatt and other such successful entrepreneurs. I want to set up a business venture after I complete engineering. Please advise.
ABC

Dear ABC,
Let me try and simplify your thoughts in this question first. You have a dream of becoming an entrepreneur and setting up a business and may be pursue a second line of work at a later stage in life. You are looking for guidance on how you can achieve this and would like to find a mentor who can help you polish your skills and guide you to success. You seem to think that by attending seminars by successful people, or spending time with them, you will somehow imbibe the techniques which you can replicate.

Well, yes, getting a mentor to guide you can be helpful, especially if you are not in a situation where someone from your family or friends can play that role. However, there is no one formula of success that they all use, and many devise their own formulas as they go along.

So even if you do not currently have access to them, do not feel that there is no hope. I am sure you have access to teachers and others in your college who will be happy to play the role of mentors. Talking to them, expressing your desires and fears, will help you straighten out your thoughts and gain clarity on your path forward. Once you have clarity on your path, you will know how to proceed. Remember, however, to break up your ultimate goals into smaller achievable goals so that you can get a taste of success as you go along. Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a 25-year-old male. I have always studied in Kannada medium (school and college). I have a huge complex with regard to my communicative skills in English. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions in English. I cannot speak fluently and I make grammatical mistakes. I have dreams of living in a foreign country. Or maybe becoming an IAS officer one day. I lack the confidence to speak in English in public. Please help me. This has been a huge issue for me. I have even contemplated suicide and I have lost the will or confidence to succeed in life.
Student

Dear Student,
I understand that you have a dream of speaking fluent English and see that as a passport to success in life. That is something that is easily achievable because you want to do it, and you are willing to work hard for it. There are many English language classes you can attend. I don’t know which part of Karnataka you are based in and if you have access to such classes. But, I am sure if you are keen on it, you will find a way to get to the classes.

What I would really like to address in this question is why you are allowing this to cause you so much emotional distress. You say that you even attempted suicide because of your distress on this account. If ever you feel that way again, or even if you don’t but want to settle your emotions regarding this, I suggest you see a counsellor, or use one of the free counselling helplines where you will be able to discuss your concerns in a confidential manner.

If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, then you will be comfortable telling your friends that while English may not be your current strength area, you would like to focus on learning it and they should help you if they can. If you are aware of your other strengths (of which I am sure you have many), you will be able to take their input as a feedback and turn it to your advantage and ask them for help instead. If you believe that you are actually not very capable then you take their laughter as an attack on you and feel hurt about it.

Don’t pretend that you are good at the language. Instead try telling them that you would like to learn English better and they should help you if they can. If we are honest about our weaknesses and our desire to learn (which we can only do if we are confident about ourselves), then people find it admirable rather than amusing.

It becomes amusing when we pretend to be a master and our lack of skill comes through. And we often put on this facade of being an expert because we are afraid of saying that we don’t know something. So, tell yourself that you are an expert when you actually are. And, when you are not, have the courage to tell yourself that you may not be an expert yet, but you are still worth it, and you are still valuable.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10, ICSE student and I am really tense about my performance in the upcoming preparatory exams. Last time, due to stress, I only caught an hour of sleep before the day of the exam and I ended up forgetting what I had studied. My parents tell me not to get tense, but I always end up feeling stressed out, anxious and tense before I enter the examination hall. Please give tips on how to study before an exam and on how to remain calm before writing an exam.
Student

Dear Student,
You are not alone in feeling tense before an exam. Many students feel the same way, which is why I wrote an article some time back on the same topic. Please read it at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html. I think it will help you put things in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it seems like the most important thing in the world, and it appears like your whole life depends on it. When you give it this kind of importance, and allow it to be the most defining event of your life, you are naturally going to feel stressed and tense about the outcome.