Wednesday, 8 May 2013
When someone you know is suicidal
I was recently training a group of people, who were gearing up to be effective counsellors, on the subject of suicide, and was numbed when I learnt that each and every person in the room that day, including me, had had someone in their life who had either already committed suicide, or was contemplating it.
Bangalore, unfortunately, has the distinction of being the suicide capital of the country – having the highest number of reported suicides. The daily newspapers carry several reports of suicide. And, I’m sure for each suicide that gets reported, there are several others that do not. And for each successful suicide, there are probably 10-20 attempts made that have not been successful. Given this, the chances that each one of us may know someone who is feeling suicidal are high, because the people who feel suicidal do not belong to some other remote world (much as we would like that to be the case). They belong to our world and our communities. They are one of us and they are among us – in our schools, colleges, offices and families. I learnt this the hard way having lost one of my clients, whom I had worked with for over six months. I was left with several questions, several regrets and several fears. That is what started me on this journey of trying to understand what happened.
So, if someone comes to us and lets us know that they are feeling suicidal, how do we support them in a positive way? While the best option is to get them to a mental health professional – may be even take them there yourself, that may not always be possible, or practical. In that case what do you do?
There are several things a lay person can do to help someone who is contemplating suicide. Probably the most important, but hardest, is being non-judgmental about the person who is feeling suicidal, and the situation. We must remember that the thought of suicide is a “cry for help”, not a “desire to die”. We commonly believe that someone who is contemplating suicide wants to die. On the contrary he or she is simply giving out a desperate cry for help. We can choose to ignore it, or we can choose to respond. The choice is ours. And often we choose to ignore it because it means confronting some tough questions for our self. We must remember that while there is a time for us to confront those questions, clearly this is not that time. This is the time to give the person non-judgmental support. This is the time to respond to their cry for help positively. This is the time to just be with the person.
Many dismiss this cry for help as an attention-seeking behavior that they don’t want to encourage or fall for. The question to ask our self is why the suicidal person has to resort to such measures to get the positive attention they want, and deserve. We tend to just look at the behaviors and try to fix those, without understanding the deep insecurities that result in that behavior, and address those insecurities.
No person is 100% suicidal. About 80% are sitting on the fence – ambivalent, confused and gasping for life, looking for a deterrent, and hoping someone will stop them. With their constricted thinking, they are contemplating a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is a myth that contemplating and committing suicide is an impulsive, irrational act. On the contrary, it is often well thought out and the person who is feeling suicidal gives several warning signs along the way. It is also a myth that those who threaten it don’t do it; that children don’t commit suicide; that once a person is suicidal they will always remain suicidal; or, even that discussing suicide with the person will drive them closer to it.
So we must respond to their cry for help; we must be the deterrent they are looking for. But how?
Firstly, by being non-judgmental and staying calm. This is not the time to lecture, blame or preach; or to criticize their choices, analyze their behaviors, or confront them with your own interpretations. This is the time to “listen” and allow them to ventilate their feelings in a safe space and encourage self-disclosure.
By not keeping the suicidal risk a secret and not falling into the confidentiality trap. They need help, and must get it.
Don’t debate the pros and cons of suicide; or deny their suicidal ideas. Acknowledge it as a choice, but don’t normalize it. Don’t challenge them for shock effect; but find out what is being hoped to be accomplished and communicated by the suicide.
Don’t leave them isolated, unobserved or disconnected. Show them your personal concern. Show them some hope and be the temporary champion they so desperately need. Help them stay in the “here and now”.
Don’t be misled by their telling you that the crisis has past. Most people make a second attempt soon after. Don’t get sidetracked by extraneous, external issues and don’t forget to follow up and stay connected.
The risk is greatest when a person has the means, the opportunity, a specific plan, and, the lack of a deterrent. So be their deterrent. Be their temporary champion. Show them some hope. And most importantly, be there.
Friday, 3 May 2013
Don't belittle any profession - Ask our counsellor Q&A column
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 2, 2013]
Dear Madam,
I am a BSc graduate from a good college with a percentage of 53. I completed my BEd in 2012 and scored 80%. I had backlogs in each semester of my degree. I am interested in doing regular MSc Physics, but am scared of failing. My father has suggested that I do a correspondence course of MSc and my mother is telling me to do regular MSc. I was a good student in school. I don't know why I have become so poor in studies after my 10 Std. I have lost confidence in myself. I want to move further. Help me.
Ayesha Amreen.
Dear Ayesha,
You say you have lost confidence in yourself and are scared of failing. I have written extensively about the fear of failure in this column before and I would like to direct you to my article on the subject in my blog. You can find it at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
You must name your worst fear about failure. What is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? Often when you answer that question honestly, you will realize that the thing you are most scared about, may be something that need not be that scary. It may be something that, even if it happened, you could survive and have a very meaningful life. Failure is just an event - an event that helps you learn several lessons. It does not have to be regarded as final, or fatal, but just as another learning opportunity. Failure is not YOU.
If you would like to do the regular MSc course, you must go ahead and do it. Don’t settle for correspondence because you believe you cannot do the regular degree. Do correspondence only if you have some better utilization of your time at the moment, and still want to go ahead with studying. Remember, you can and will be able to achieve anything that you set your mind to.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am 25 years old and have completed my PG in Social Work in 2011. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.
Jerry Varghese
Dear Jerry,
I think you need to gain clarity for yourself on what you would like to do, and what you believe are your strengths and weaknesses. Choose a career that will leverage your strengths and won’t let your weaknesses come in your way. You may need the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, who will help you in this exercise. The greatest disservice you can do to yourself is lose confidence. Confidence is the fuel that takes you to your destination. So get clarity on your strengths, help that identify a goal or destination, break that goal into smaller achievable milestones (or stepping stones) and then just stay focussed on your path and go after it. It is not your degree that will get you success (or failure) as much as your attitude, your confidence, your self-esteem, your ability to learn and your creativity.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am studying Computer Science (8th semester) in Bangalore Institute of Technology. I am writing this letter to you because I am concerned about my future. I got placed in TCS which, of course, is a great thing that has happened to me by God's grace. But I am not too excited about it. I could have been better given my college's reputation.
My parents are very concerned about my future and are suggesting that I take up further studies like MTech or MBA, but not M. Whereas my brother, who is a software engineer, is asking me to take up a job, but not in TCS. I am completely confused about my future. As a result, I am not able to concentrate on my academics right now.
So through this mail, I am requesting you to suggest the correct path for my future, and I am open to any suggestions you make.
PS: I love cooking and am deeply interested in hotel management but I know it’s quite stupid.
Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, I am not someone who can guide you on what course of study you should pursue, or what company you should take up a job in.
From your letter I got an understanding of what your parents want for you, and what your brother wants for you. However, I did not hear you say what you wanted for yourself! It is good to take everyone’s inputs but ultimately it must be your choice. And it must be a choice made based on rational thoughts about your future. So while evaluating your choices, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and analyze your opportunities and threats. In short, do a SWOT analysis and see where it leads you. Remember, whatever path you choose must play to your strengths, and must fit in line with goals that you have set for yourself. Work backwards and ask yourself what kind of job you’d like, what path would take you there, and therefore, what steps do you need to take now to set off on that path. Life is not a train journey on which you are trying to run errands for your parents and your brother, and other important people in your life. Life is a train journey on which you are trying to get to a destination of your choice. So pick your destination. And regarding cooking or hotel management, there is no such thing as a “stupid” career. Do not belittle any profession! Pick what you are really passionate about. Everyone else’s satisfaction and happiness will follow.
Dear Madam,
I am a student of class 12 and I want to be a doctor. But the problem is I don't want to be just a doctor, I want to be a great doctor! I want to help poor people in all the ways I can.
For that I know I have to study and score well in both my Board and NEET.
I want to do my medical course in a well equipped, modernized university which is out of the country. Can you please suggest some universities where I can apply and how to apply.
I am a bright student but when I sit to study I often loose my concentration. I want to achieve something in life. I just don’t want to waste it. My parents have huge dreams for me. I want to live up to those. I want to do it. However, I am also a very careless person. I take everything for granted. Even my studies.
I want you to please help me in my concentration, and help me achieve my dream!
I want to also add that I sometimes get really scared that, what if my dreams just remain a dream. I also want you to help me to get off my negative mind. I want you to help me and motivate me towards my goal!
Rashmitha Devraj
Dear Rashmitha,
I love your passion and your desire to excel. It is great that you want to make a difference with the kind of work you do, rather than stick to mediocrity. However, for that to happen, it is not necessary that you study abroad. Also, I am not the best person to guide you either on which universities are good, or on how you should go about it.
What I would like to say though is this - don’t get overly stressed by the results. Ensure you maximize your learning. Because, eventually, to become a great doctor, your learning, not your marks are going to make the difference. Sometimes we feel so pressured by the need to get marks, and so fearful of not getting the maximum marks, that we are unable to concentrate and focus on the learning.
How you define your success and failure is your choice. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. No one can help you achieve your dream other than yourself. But you must ensure, that it is your dreams you are chasing, and not that of your parents. Also, remember that dreams are your own creation, and are not constant or static. They change and evolve as you go along life’s journeys. And just like you create them, you can also alter them. So it is not that if you don’t achieve what you dream of right now, you would have failed at achieving your dreams. Your dreams itself may change. Looking into the future is something we do to guide us along our journey; not something to make us so fearful that we are not able to function.
Also, remember, that if they are your dreams, then you are not answerable to anyone for not achieving them. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, other than yourself.
All the best.
I am a BSc graduate from a good college with a percentage of 53. I completed my BEd in 2012 and scored 80%. I had backlogs in each semester of my degree. I am interested in doing regular MSc Physics, but am scared of failing. My father has suggested that I do a correspondence course of MSc and my mother is telling me to do regular MSc. I was a good student in school. I don't know why I have become so poor in studies after my 10 Std. I have lost confidence in myself. I want to move further. Help me.
Ayesha Amreen.
Dear Ayesha,
You say you have lost confidence in yourself and are scared of failing. I have written extensively about the fear of failure in this column before and I would like to direct you to my article on the subject in my blog. You can find it at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
You must name your worst fear about failure. What is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? Often when you answer that question honestly, you will realize that the thing you are most scared about, may be something that need not be that scary. It may be something that, even if it happened, you could survive and have a very meaningful life. Failure is just an event - an event that helps you learn several lessons. It does not have to be regarded as final, or fatal, but just as another learning opportunity. Failure is not YOU.
If you would like to do the regular MSc course, you must go ahead and do it. Don’t settle for correspondence because you believe you cannot do the regular degree. Do correspondence only if you have some better utilization of your time at the moment, and still want to go ahead with studying. Remember, you can and will be able to achieve anything that you set your mind to.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am 25 years old and have completed my PG in Social Work in 2011. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.
Jerry Varghese
Dear Jerry,
I think you need to gain clarity for yourself on what you would like to do, and what you believe are your strengths and weaknesses. Choose a career that will leverage your strengths and won’t let your weaknesses come in your way. You may need the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, who will help you in this exercise. The greatest disservice you can do to yourself is lose confidence. Confidence is the fuel that takes you to your destination. So get clarity on your strengths, help that identify a goal or destination, break that goal into smaller achievable milestones (or stepping stones) and then just stay focussed on your path and go after it. It is not your degree that will get you success (or failure) as much as your attitude, your confidence, your self-esteem, your ability to learn and your creativity.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am studying Computer Science (8th semester) in Bangalore Institute of Technology. I am writing this letter to you because I am concerned about my future. I got placed in TCS which, of course, is a great thing that has happened to me by God's grace. But I am not too excited about it. I could have been better given my college's reputation.
My parents are very concerned about my future and are suggesting that I take up further studies like MTech or MBA, but not M. Whereas my brother, who is a software engineer, is asking me to take up a job, but not in TCS. I am completely confused about my future. As a result, I am not able to concentrate on my academics right now.
So through this mail, I am requesting you to suggest the correct path for my future, and I am open to any suggestions you make.
PS: I love cooking and am deeply interested in hotel management but I know it’s quite stupid.
Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, I am not someone who can guide you on what course of study you should pursue, or what company you should take up a job in.
From your letter I got an understanding of what your parents want for you, and what your brother wants for you. However, I did not hear you say what you wanted for yourself! It is good to take everyone’s inputs but ultimately it must be your choice. And it must be a choice made based on rational thoughts about your future. So while evaluating your choices, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and analyze your opportunities and threats. In short, do a SWOT analysis and see where it leads you. Remember, whatever path you choose must play to your strengths, and must fit in line with goals that you have set for yourself. Work backwards and ask yourself what kind of job you’d like, what path would take you there, and therefore, what steps do you need to take now to set off on that path. Life is not a train journey on which you are trying to run errands for your parents and your brother, and other important people in your life. Life is a train journey on which you are trying to get to a destination of your choice. So pick your destination. And regarding cooking or hotel management, there is no such thing as a “stupid” career. Do not belittle any profession! Pick what you are really passionate about. Everyone else’s satisfaction and happiness will follow.
Dear Madam,
I am a student of class 12 and I want to be a doctor. But the problem is I don't want to be just a doctor, I want to be a great doctor! I want to help poor people in all the ways I can.
For that I know I have to study and score well in both my Board and NEET.
I want to do my medical course in a well equipped, modernized university which is out of the country. Can you please suggest some universities where I can apply and how to apply.
I am a bright student but when I sit to study I often loose my concentration. I want to achieve something in life. I just don’t want to waste it. My parents have huge dreams for me. I want to live up to those. I want to do it. However, I am also a very careless person. I take everything for granted. Even my studies.
I want you to please help me in my concentration, and help me achieve my dream!
I want to also add that I sometimes get really scared that, what if my dreams just remain a dream. I also want you to help me to get off my negative mind. I want you to help me and motivate me towards my goal!
Rashmitha Devraj
Dear Rashmitha,
I love your passion and your desire to excel. It is great that you want to make a difference with the kind of work you do, rather than stick to mediocrity. However, for that to happen, it is not necessary that you study abroad. Also, I am not the best person to guide you either on which universities are good, or on how you should go about it.
What I would like to say though is this - don’t get overly stressed by the results. Ensure you maximize your learning. Because, eventually, to become a great doctor, your learning, not your marks are going to make the difference. Sometimes we feel so pressured by the need to get marks, and so fearful of not getting the maximum marks, that we are unable to concentrate and focus on the learning.
How you define your success and failure is your choice. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. No one can help you achieve your dream other than yourself. But you must ensure, that it is your dreams you are chasing, and not that of your parents. Also, remember that dreams are your own creation, and are not constant or static. They change and evolve as you go along life’s journeys. And just like you create them, you can also alter them. So it is not that if you don’t achieve what you dream of right now, you would have failed at achieving your dreams. Your dreams itself may change. Looking into the future is something we do to guide us along our journey; not something to make us so fearful that we are not able to function.
Also, remember, that if they are your dreams, then you are not answerable to anyone for not achieving them. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, other than yourself.
All the best.
  |
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Marks can only open certain doors - Ask your Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of April 11, 2013]
Dear Madam,
I am in 3rd year Electronics & Communications Engineering, VTU. I had scored 87% in my 10th Boards, and 73% in 2nd PUC. My Engineering marks are as follows: 64.516%, 73.161%, 58.555%, 60 % and 5th semester 57%. I know these marks are too low because my friends score much more than me. I don't have a particular reason for scoring low marks. I don't know why this is happening. It is not that I don't study. I study and score above 20 in my internals in each subject but in my theory I always get much less than my expectation.
It’s the other way round amongst my friends. They score in theory papers. Every time the results come out I am broken. My aggregate has now come up to 62%. I am very tense about my future.
The competition is too high. If I want to get placed in a good company I have to make my aggregate about 70%. I want to score well in the rest of my semesters but I don't know how. I need some guidance about how to tackle the exam and tips to increase my concentration because I cannot concentrate for more than 15 minutes in class. I would be grateful if you help me out.
Riya S
Dear Riya
It appears to me that you are very tense about your marks, and the fear that you will not get the marks is not allowing you to focus, concentrate or score well. I want you to be able to understand your fear. What is the worst possible thing that you fear will happen if you do not get the necessary marks? Answer this question honestly, and try to understand the scenario if your worst fear comes true.
Often this exercise will show you that even if your worst fear comes true, life will still be manageable and there will still be a path forward in the future. That will reduce your fear. Also, remember, that marks are not the only thing that will guarantee your success in the future. Yes, they may open some doors for you, but if one door does not open, some other will - you may just need to look for it a little harder.
Ultimately in the workplace, your life skills will matter more than your college marks. Your confidence, your communication ability, your creativity and problem solving skills, your ability to work in a team or lead a team, your ability to learn on the job and deal with changes - these are all skills that will differentiate you from your peers.
So while marks may open some doors, they are not the key to your success in life. So don’t attach the kind of power to them that you are. They are not there to control your future. They are just there as a tool in your control to open some doors for the future that you carve out for yourself.
Reduce your fear and anxiety - that may help you concentrate more.
Dear Ma’am
I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of "jealousy" and study with a cool mind.
Please help me.
Student
Dear Student
Remember, that the others may get the marks by cheating, but they can never get the learning and the knowledge. That can only come through diligent hard work and focussed effort. In the end, in life and in the workplace, it is the learning that is eventually going to matter more than the marks. The marks may open some doors, but they cannot guarantee success.
Success in life will depend on several other factors like your intelligence, your creativity, your self-image, your confidence, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your ability to problem solve and think out of the box, to mention just a few. Nothing of these skills can be gained by cheating in an exam! So don’t worry about what the others are doing. Stay focussed on what you need to do, because that is the only way to ‘learn’.
All the best.
Dear Ma’am
I’m 18 years old. I am an average student. I have a backlog in Maths in the 12th Std from last year. This year I got tuition for Maths and now I’m good at it. I was doing well in my school, I don’t know how I failed last year. I am very interested in doing Engineering now. My parents also want me to become an engineer. Am I eligible for engineering? Which branch should I prefer in Engineering? Is there future scope for Civil Engineering? Please suggest me some ideas. Or could BSc be an option? My parents have lost hope in me, and I want their hope back. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m very stressed. Please give me some advice.
Nida Fareen
Dear Nida
I am not in a position to advise you either on how to go about your admission in Engineering now, or on which branch of Engineering will be good for you. But I made some observations from your letter.
Firstly, do not label yourself as an ‘average’ student. Your level of performance may have been ‘average’ till now, but that does not mean it will always be so, or that you cannot change that with effort on your part. My fear is that by labelling yourself as ‘average’ you sub-consciously keep fulfilling that label and not put in your best effort. Just the way, extra effort in maths helped you do better, the same way, extra effort in any field will pay-off rich dividends.
Secondly, the fact that you failed in one exam last year does not mean that you failed as a person. You may have failed at an exam, but that does not mean that you are a failure, and you must not view yourself as one. Everyone encounters failures in life, and the earlier you face them, and learn to deal with them successfully, the better off you are. So you must not view the fact that you failed in one exam as having hit a dead-end, but simply as having tripped along the way, and as now being ready to go again.
Thirdly, do Engineering only if you want to. Not because that is what your parents want you to do. And, that is the only way you can reestablish their trust and hope in you. Ultimately your parents will be happy if you are happy, doing well and being successful in something you enjoy. Even if someone loses hope in you, never make the mistake of losing hope in yourself, because there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and each one of us is immensely more capable than we think we are (though the capability may not be always obvious to us).
I hope this helps. As for which branch of Engineering you should do, please ask someone more knowledgeable about the subject. Talk to engineering professors about the various options.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am in 3rd year Electronics & Communications Engineering, VTU. I had scored 87% in my 10th Boards, and 73% in 2nd PUC. My Engineering marks are as follows: 64.516%, 73.161%, 58.555%, 60 % and 5th semester 57%. I know these marks are too low because my friends score much more than me. I don't have a particular reason for scoring low marks. I don't know why this is happening. It is not that I don't study. I study and score above 20 in my internals in each subject but in my theory I always get much less than my expectation.
It’s the other way round amongst my friends. They score in theory papers. Every time the results come out I am broken. My aggregate has now come up to 62%. I am very tense about my future.
The competition is too high. If I want to get placed in a good company I have to make my aggregate about 70%. I want to score well in the rest of my semesters but I don't know how. I need some guidance about how to tackle the exam and tips to increase my concentration because I cannot concentrate for more than 15 minutes in class. I would be grateful if you help me out.
Riya S
Dear Riya
It appears to me that you are very tense about your marks, and the fear that you will not get the marks is not allowing you to focus, concentrate or score well. I want you to be able to understand your fear. What is the worst possible thing that you fear will happen if you do not get the necessary marks? Answer this question honestly, and try to understand the scenario if your worst fear comes true.
Often this exercise will show you that even if your worst fear comes true, life will still be manageable and there will still be a path forward in the future. That will reduce your fear. Also, remember, that marks are not the only thing that will guarantee your success in the future. Yes, they may open some doors for you, but if one door does not open, some other will - you may just need to look for it a little harder.
Ultimately in the workplace, your life skills will matter more than your college marks. Your confidence, your communication ability, your creativity and problem solving skills, your ability to work in a team or lead a team, your ability to learn on the job and deal with changes - these are all skills that will differentiate you from your peers.
So while marks may open some doors, they are not the key to your success in life. So don’t attach the kind of power to them that you are. They are not there to control your future. They are just there as a tool in your control to open some doors for the future that you carve out for yourself.
Reduce your fear and anxiety - that may help you concentrate more.
Dear Ma’am
I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of "jealousy" and study with a cool mind.
Please help me.
Student
Dear Student
Remember, that the others may get the marks by cheating, but they can never get the learning and the knowledge. That can only come through diligent hard work and focussed effort. In the end, in life and in the workplace, it is the learning that is eventually going to matter more than the marks. The marks may open some doors, but they cannot guarantee success.
Success in life will depend on several other factors like your intelligence, your creativity, your self-image, your confidence, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your ability to problem solve and think out of the box, to mention just a few. Nothing of these skills can be gained by cheating in an exam! So don’t worry about what the others are doing. Stay focussed on what you need to do, because that is the only way to ‘learn’.
All the best.
Dear Ma’am
I’m 18 years old. I am an average student. I have a backlog in Maths in the 12th Std from last year. This year I got tuition for Maths and now I’m good at it. I was doing well in my school, I don’t know how I failed last year. I am very interested in doing Engineering now. My parents also want me to become an engineer. Am I eligible for engineering? Which branch should I prefer in Engineering? Is there future scope for Civil Engineering? Please suggest me some ideas. Or could BSc be an option? My parents have lost hope in me, and I want their hope back. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m very stressed. Please give me some advice.
Nida Fareen
Dear Nida
I am not in a position to advise you either on how to go about your admission in Engineering now, or on which branch of Engineering will be good for you. But I made some observations from your letter.
Firstly, do not label yourself as an ‘average’ student. Your level of performance may have been ‘average’ till now, but that does not mean it will always be so, or that you cannot change that with effort on your part. My fear is that by labelling yourself as ‘average’ you sub-consciously keep fulfilling that label and not put in your best effort. Just the way, extra effort in maths helped you do better, the same way, extra effort in any field will pay-off rich dividends.
Secondly, the fact that you failed in one exam last year does not mean that you failed as a person. You may have failed at an exam, but that does not mean that you are a failure, and you must not view yourself as one. Everyone encounters failures in life, and the earlier you face them, and learn to deal with them successfully, the better off you are. So you must not view the fact that you failed in one exam as having hit a dead-end, but simply as having tripped along the way, and as now being ready to go again.
Thirdly, do Engineering only if you want to. Not because that is what your parents want you to do. And, that is the only way you can reestablish their trust and hope in you. Ultimately your parents will be happy if you are happy, doing well and being successful in something you enjoy. Even if someone loses hope in you, never make the mistake of losing hope in yourself, because there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and each one of us is immensely more capable than we think we are (though the capability may not be always obvious to us).
I hope this helps. As for which branch of Engineering you should do, please ask someone more knowledgeable about the subject. Talk to engineering professors about the various options.
All the best.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Do what you do because you want to do it - Ask your counsellor Q&A column
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of March 21, 2013]
Dear Madam,
I am currently in the 8th semester of my engineering, studying under VTU. I attended two companies in placement, but did not get selected. I am very depressed about it. I am not interested in pursuing M Tech also. I have an aggregate of 76%. I am interested in civil services and I have a dream of becoming an IAS officer. It was my dream since childhood. Can an engineering student like me pursue IAS? Do I have to take coaching classes? I work very hard and I have commitment towards studies. I want to achieve something in my life. Please guide me in achieving my dream.
Dear Student,
I understand that you are depressed because you have not got a job during the campus placement season, even though you attended 2 interviews.
There is no reason to be disheartened. Look at those interviews as learning opportunities, and try to analyze and understand for yourself what went wrong.
Why do you feel you did not get the job? If you do this after every event that you perceive as a failure, the failures will transform into learning opportunities and stepping stones towards your future goals.
Remember, there may be many such failures along the way, but they don’t mean that you are a failure. All they mean is that you failed in that attempt. You need to learn from your mistakes and move on.
I am not aware of the best way that you can prepare for the IAS entrance exam. Someone who has either done that exam or is involved in the process in any way will probably be in a better position to guide you on that. I understand that you have a dream of achieving something in life.
I think you need to take some time to define what that ‘something’ is because only then can you take some steps towards achieving it. So, what is your dream?
All the best!
Dear Madam,
I completed SSLC in 2006. After that I did a Diploma in Electronics and Electrical Engineering, but I never completed the course, nor am I able to study, I don’t know what future I have. I would like you to guide me for a better life ahead. I’m struggling in every field I enter as a professional. Please help me out.
Rakesh Manipal
Dear Rakesh
I understand that you are feeling disheartened and are anxious about your future. I am not sure of what you mean when you say that you are not able to study.
Do you not have the interest, or the time, or the financial resources, or the opportunity. It would be good for you to understand why you are not able to study.
Often what we perceive to be an external reason for us not to do something, actually ends up being an internal reason over which we have complete control and can change if we want.
I would need to understand a little more about what you mean when you say you are struggling in every field you enter as a professional.
You should also analyze what happened in every case and what were your specific struggles. This may help you arrive at a list of areas that you may feel more comfortable in, temperamentally, and a list of areas that you feel you may just not fit in. After all, success in the work place does not only depend on your degrees.
Many of the most successful people in the world do not have ‘degrees’ to support them. Of more importance in the workplace, eventually, is your self-confidence, your ability to learn, your ability to problem-solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team; your communication skills, etc.
So find your strengths, and find a field of work which will allow you to build on your strengths.
All the best
Dear Madam,
I’m studying M Sc (Physics). I am losing my interest in studies because I am afraid of not getting a job in this field. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying. And also please give some information about what I can do after this.
Meghashree
Dear Meghashree,
You say your parents have a lot of hopes for you. What about your hopes for yourself? Do you want to study only because your parents hope you will study, or do you want to study because you see that as a way of growing and doing something.
If your parents did not have expectations from you, what would you do with your life? Ultimately your life is your own, and you need to take charge of it, and do what you want to do, because you want to do it, not because your parents expect you to do it.
Ultimately the person who will benefit the most from your studies is you, not your parents. So you need to shift your motivation to study from the external reason (i.e. your parents) to an internal reason (i.e. you).
Spend some time understanding what you would like to do, what will give you happiness, what are your strengths and what kind of a career will play to your strengths.
I am not in a position to guide you about your future study plans. All I can say is, you need to do what you want to do, and you need to do it for yourself.
Dear Madam,
I am currently in the 8th semester of my engineering, studying under VTU. I attended two companies in placement, but did not get selected. I am very depressed about it. I am not interested in pursuing M Tech also. I have an aggregate of 76%. I am interested in civil services and I have a dream of becoming an IAS officer. It was my dream since childhood. Can an engineering student like me pursue IAS? Do I have to take coaching classes? I work very hard and I have commitment towards studies. I want to achieve something in my life. Please guide me in achieving my dream.
Dear Student,
I understand that you are depressed because you have not got a job during the campus placement season, even though you attended 2 interviews.
There is no reason to be disheartened. Look at those interviews as learning opportunities, and try to analyze and understand for yourself what went wrong.
Why do you feel you did not get the job? If you do this after every event that you perceive as a failure, the failures will transform into learning opportunities and stepping stones towards your future goals.
Remember, there may be many such failures along the way, but they don’t mean that you are a failure. All they mean is that you failed in that attempt. You need to learn from your mistakes and move on.
I am not aware of the best way that you can prepare for the IAS entrance exam. Someone who has either done that exam or is involved in the process in any way will probably be in a better position to guide you on that. I understand that you have a dream of achieving something in life.
I think you need to take some time to define what that ‘something’ is because only then can you take some steps towards achieving it. So, what is your dream?
All the best!
Dear Madam,
I completed SSLC in 2006. After that I did a Diploma in Electronics and Electrical Engineering, but I never completed the course, nor am I able to study, I don’t know what future I have. I would like you to guide me for a better life ahead. I’m struggling in every field I enter as a professional. Please help me out.
Rakesh Manipal
Dear Rakesh
I understand that you are feeling disheartened and are anxious about your future. I am not sure of what you mean when you say that you are not able to study.
Do you not have the interest, or the time, or the financial resources, or the opportunity. It would be good for you to understand why you are not able to study.
Often what we perceive to be an external reason for us not to do something, actually ends up being an internal reason over which we have complete control and can change if we want.
I would need to understand a little more about what you mean when you say you are struggling in every field you enter as a professional.
You should also analyze what happened in every case and what were your specific struggles. This may help you arrive at a list of areas that you may feel more comfortable in, temperamentally, and a list of areas that you feel you may just not fit in. After all, success in the work place does not only depend on your degrees.
Many of the most successful people in the world do not have ‘degrees’ to support them. Of more importance in the workplace, eventually, is your self-confidence, your ability to learn, your ability to problem-solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team; your communication skills, etc.
So find your strengths, and find a field of work which will allow you to build on your strengths.
All the best
Dear Madam,
I’m studying M Sc (Physics). I am losing my interest in studies because I am afraid of not getting a job in this field. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying. And also please give some information about what I can do after this.
Meghashree
Dear Meghashree,
You say your parents have a lot of hopes for you. What about your hopes for yourself? Do you want to study only because your parents hope you will study, or do you want to study because you see that as a way of growing and doing something.
If your parents did not have expectations from you, what would you do with your life? Ultimately your life is your own, and you need to take charge of it, and do what you want to do, because you want to do it, not because your parents expect you to do it.
Ultimately the person who will benefit the most from your studies is you, not your parents. So you need to shift your motivation to study from the external reason (i.e. your parents) to an internal reason (i.e. you).
Spend some time understanding what you would like to do, what will give you happiness, what are your strengths and what kind of a career will play to your strengths.
I am not in a position to guide you about your future study plans. All I can say is, you need to do what you want to do, and you need to do it for yourself.
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Naming your fear helps conquer it - Ask our counsellor Q&A column
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 28, 2013]
Hello Ma’am,
I am a student of RVCE, Bangalore in the Electrical and Electronics branch, presently in the 2nd year. I am totally confused about what to do after engineering. Basically I want to become a successful entrepreneur (industrialist), earn a lot of money and have a happy life, not as a middle class working employee. But the problem is I don’t have rich parents who can afford to give me the initial capital, or send me for higher studies. I am interested in fields like research and development. I am a gadget and gizmo freak. So I am not able to know what exactly I need to do because of which my performance in engineering college has gone down. I am even depressed a lot. I was a bright student and confident too. I used to read lots of technology magazines and newspapers and was interested in gadgets and technology. But now, I am totally confused and under-performing too. But I believe I am a very quick learner and very good at understanding concepts unlike other guys. My main goal is changing the present electrical systems, transmission, and generation. I want to make something for the betterment of humans. However, I know I am a little over ambitious too. Kindly help me.
Student
Dear Student,
I can sense your confusion and worry about the future. You say you want to be successful, earn a lot of money and happiness. I want you to take a few minutes to identify what success means to you. How and when will you know that you have been successful. Success can mean different things to different people, and unless you define it, you could constantly be chasing an elusive mirage. So how will you know that you have been successful?
You also seem to assume, in your letter, that happiness is a function of how much money you have. You may have all the money in the world and still not be happy. Or you may hardly have any money, and still be happy. Happiness is not a function of money. Happiness is a state of mind. And you alone can make yourself happy or unhappy. It depends to a large extent on how you interpret situations, and how satisfied you feel with yourself. And the sooner you are able to see happiness as a product of your internal locus of control, rather than something that is dependent on the external world, the happier you will be able to make yourself. So again, define what happiness means to you. It is good that you are confident of your capabilities and know some of your strengths. There is no such thing as over-ambitious. You are either ambitious or not. It is always good to aim high so that you have something to work towards. But don’t let achieving that be your source of happiness, or a definition of your success. Your happiness and success should be defined in terms of your journey, and milestones on your journey, rather than only on the ultimate goal.
While I am not in a position to tell you what specifically you should do after your engineering, It is important that you answer these questions for yourself and find the motivation within. It is not necessary to have ‘family wealth’ to succeed. You can succeed on the power of your ideas as well. These days there is a lot of boost to entrepreneurship in the country, so if your idea has weight, you will be able to find the funding.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a student of class 10. My problem is that I get very tense during the days of my exams. While preparing for the exams, I start shivering, sweating and feel like vomiting. Though I go through all my lessons, I feel I am not prepared. I go through all my chapters again and again though I have already studied them once or twice. I get so tense that I start crying and at some point of time, I stop studying and go to sleep. Even at that time, I think about whether I'll be able to complete the portions for my exams. Then I study all through the night and keep on studying until I enter the examination hall. I don't eat anything and spoil my health during these days. I also trouble my parents in this process. And finally after the results are out, I am one of the top 5 rank holders. Why does this happen to me? I find all my friends so confident. Why am I not as confident as them? Why do I get tense so easily? My Preparatory Exams are fast approaching and I don't want all this to happen to me again. Please help.
Yashaswini Yogesh
Dear Yashaswini,
I understand that you have a panic attack at the time of your exams, and now that your Board Exams are approaching you are concerned about this. I am glad you have sought help and recognize that you should not be getting so panicky. When you compare yourself to your friends you feel you are the only one reacting like this.
Firstly, let me assure you that you are not alone in panicking before exams. It happens to many youngsters, even though outwardly you may not be able to tell in some cases. However, you are right in thinking that you should not react this way and that there must be a better way around this problem.
I would like you to take a few minutes thinking about what you are scared of. The panic is the result of fear of the outcome. So what drives the fear and what is the worst possible outcome? Ponder over this. Once you name the fear, you may realize that the worst possible outcome is something you can live with. It suddenly does not seem to be as scary as you had thought it is. Don’t let the fear paralyze you. Think about the fear and confront it. Some of the possible fears could be that you will feel like a failure, or that your parents will be disappointed, or that your friends may laugh at you. These are common fears that students have. So name your fear and confront it. Believe me, that will take the punch out of it.
You ask me why this happens to you. This probably happens to you because you don’t believe in yourself. You need to believe in your own capabilities. And believe, that if you do not do well for some reason, then that is not the end of the world or the end of the road. You are still a worthy and capable person. Just because you may not do well once, does not make you are a failure for life. Remember, failure is an event. It is never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person. Very often we interpret as a total failure and therein lies the problem. To understand this, you could read the following articles on my blog - ‘Putting exams in perspective’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and ‘It’s not the end of the road’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).
Remember to focus on the effort and not on the marks. Effort is all that we can control. Our fear often arises because we focus on the marks and the marks are not in our control, so we have a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness due to the fact that we can’t control the outcome.
Hope this helps and good luck for your exams.
Hello Ma’am,
I am a student of RVCE, Bangalore in the Electrical and Electronics branch, presently in the 2nd year. I am totally confused about what to do after engineering. Basically I want to become a successful entrepreneur (industrialist), earn a lot of money and have a happy life, not as a middle class working employee. But the problem is I don’t have rich parents who can afford to give me the initial capital, or send me for higher studies. I am interested in fields like research and development. I am a gadget and gizmo freak. So I am not able to know what exactly I need to do because of which my performance in engineering college has gone down. I am even depressed a lot. I was a bright student and confident too. I used to read lots of technology magazines and newspapers and was interested in gadgets and technology. But now, I am totally confused and under-performing too. But I believe I am a very quick learner and very good at understanding concepts unlike other guys. My main goal is changing the present electrical systems, transmission, and generation. I want to make something for the betterment of humans. However, I know I am a little over ambitious too. Kindly help me.
Student
Dear Student,
I can sense your confusion and worry about the future. You say you want to be successful, earn a lot of money and happiness. I want you to take a few minutes to identify what success means to you. How and when will you know that you have been successful. Success can mean different things to different people, and unless you define it, you could constantly be chasing an elusive mirage. So how will you know that you have been successful?
You also seem to assume, in your letter, that happiness is a function of how much money you have. You may have all the money in the world and still not be happy. Or you may hardly have any money, and still be happy. Happiness is not a function of money. Happiness is a state of mind. And you alone can make yourself happy or unhappy. It depends to a large extent on how you interpret situations, and how satisfied you feel with yourself. And the sooner you are able to see happiness as a product of your internal locus of control, rather than something that is dependent on the external world, the happier you will be able to make yourself. So again, define what happiness means to you. It is good that you are confident of your capabilities and know some of your strengths. There is no such thing as over-ambitious. You are either ambitious or not. It is always good to aim high so that you have something to work towards. But don’t let achieving that be your source of happiness, or a definition of your success. Your happiness and success should be defined in terms of your journey, and milestones on your journey, rather than only on the ultimate goal.
While I am not in a position to tell you what specifically you should do after your engineering, It is important that you answer these questions for yourself and find the motivation within. It is not necessary to have ‘family wealth’ to succeed. You can succeed on the power of your ideas as well. These days there is a lot of boost to entrepreneurship in the country, so if your idea has weight, you will be able to find the funding.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a student of class 10. My problem is that I get very tense during the days of my exams. While preparing for the exams, I start shivering, sweating and feel like vomiting. Though I go through all my lessons, I feel I am not prepared. I go through all my chapters again and again though I have already studied them once or twice. I get so tense that I start crying and at some point of time, I stop studying and go to sleep. Even at that time, I think about whether I'll be able to complete the portions for my exams. Then I study all through the night and keep on studying until I enter the examination hall. I don't eat anything and spoil my health during these days. I also trouble my parents in this process. And finally after the results are out, I am one of the top 5 rank holders. Why does this happen to me? I find all my friends so confident. Why am I not as confident as them? Why do I get tense so easily? My Preparatory Exams are fast approaching and I don't want all this to happen to me again. Please help.
Yashaswini Yogesh
Dear Yashaswini,
I understand that you have a panic attack at the time of your exams, and now that your Board Exams are approaching you are concerned about this. I am glad you have sought help and recognize that you should not be getting so panicky. When you compare yourself to your friends you feel you are the only one reacting like this.
Firstly, let me assure you that you are not alone in panicking before exams. It happens to many youngsters, even though outwardly you may not be able to tell in some cases. However, you are right in thinking that you should not react this way and that there must be a better way around this problem.
I would like you to take a few minutes thinking about what you are scared of. The panic is the result of fear of the outcome. So what drives the fear and what is the worst possible outcome? Ponder over this. Once you name the fear, you may realize that the worst possible outcome is something you can live with. It suddenly does not seem to be as scary as you had thought it is. Don’t let the fear paralyze you. Think about the fear and confront it. Some of the possible fears could be that you will feel like a failure, or that your parents will be disappointed, or that your friends may laugh at you. These are common fears that students have. So name your fear and confront it. Believe me, that will take the punch out of it.
You ask me why this happens to you. This probably happens to you because you don’t believe in yourself. You need to believe in your own capabilities. And believe, that if you do not do well for some reason, then that is not the end of the world or the end of the road. You are still a worthy and capable person. Just because you may not do well once, does not make you are a failure for life. Remember, failure is an event. It is never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person. Very often we interpret as a total failure and therein lies the problem. To understand this, you could read the following articles on my blog - ‘Putting exams in perspective’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and ‘It’s not the end of the road’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).
Remember to focus on the effort and not on the marks. Effort is all that we can control. Our fear often arises because we focus on the marks and the marks are not in our control, so we have a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness due to the fact that we can’t control the outcome.
Hope this helps and good luck for your exams.
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Follow your passion - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 7, 2013]
I am a second year B E student in EEE branch VTU. I have 1 backlog in each of my semesters. I am not able to give my best. I was doing well in my school and PUC. Will I get a good job even if I have backlogs? I am totally stressed. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Please help.
Kamalesh
Dear Kamalesh
I understand that you are stressed because your parents have a lot of hopes from you. It may be worthwhile for you to make a concrete list of those hopes. For example they may want some amount of financial support (specify how much), or they may want you to live in the same town/house as them.
Or they may want to live with you. Or they may want none of this, but may just want to be able to tell their friends and family that their son is very “successful”.
Or they may just want you to be happy. You need to be able to understand for yourself, what you think are their expectations of you. When you say “lots of hope” you are dealing with an ambiguous entity which may be like a mirage, which you will constantly keep chasing and never be able to reach.
Once you are able to understand their expectations, two things may happen. Firstly you may realize that getting a “good” job as an engineer may not be the only way to live up to their expectations. Other careers and opportunities may also give you that option. Secondly, you may decide that you may want to live up to some of those expectations and not others. You will feel a sense of control on this process.
I cannot say whether you will get a “good” job if you have backlogs. All I can say is that your marks will only open some doors for you.
They will not guarantee your success. Your success in your career will depend on a lot of other qualities like your ability to work in a team, lead a team, solve problems, think creatively, communicate clearly and confidently, learn quickly, etc. The marks may open some doors, but if one door closes another one will open. The only difference is you may have to look for it a little harder.
Try and understand your worry and your anxiety and befriend them to goad you to do better, rather than treat them as your enemy that stops your from performing.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am studying now in 12th Standard. I am losing my interest in studies. I am so much interested in music that I like to compose songs and I would like to make music direction as a profession. I have practised classical music for 11 years and I know the basics of western music as well. But my parents like me to take Engineering. I am not sure that I will pass the engineering entrance exams. I have failed once in 11th Standard Even if I choose the music field I don’t know what to do. So please give me some tips.
A Student
Dear Student
I understand that your parents want you to do Engineering and that’s why you are being torn between your passion, and what your parents want you to do. I am sure your parents will be comfortable with whatever choice you make, provided you have made an informed decision and know what to do and how to do it.
For that you would need to get more information about the music field and the opportunities in it, the entry barriers, and what you need to do to break them. I am not the right person to tell you about this. You will need to connect with people in the field of music and get their inputs.
Your parents will not be comfortable with your choice if they feel you do not know what you are talking about and are beating around in the dark. Ultimately, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in an enormous amount of effort to excel in it.
And, it is better to excel in your field of choice rather than to be mediocre in any other field.
You may want to try and understand the reasons why your parents want you to do engineering. Once you understand this, you may decide to either follow that path, or follow the path you want.
However, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in a lot of effort to stand out. So don’t let the effort tire you out.
Good luck.
Dear Madam
I am a 2nd PUC PCMB student. My problem is that I lost interest in studies when I was in my 10th Standard and got 3% less than the usual distinction I used to get. Since the past two years, I have totally lost my form and fear that the same would repeat in my finals this year. And I'm very weak in maths. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying.
Dear Student
I have said this in my column several times before, because yours does not seem to be a problem unique to you. It seems to be happening to many students who let the fear of the results, or their “relatively poor” performance in past exams, demotivate them about the future. So understand why you think you should study, and analyse the benefits of studying.
Who do you think will be the biggest beneficiary of your studying? You can choose to let fear control you to inaction, or you can choose to let fear drive you to action. It is entirely in your control, and your choice.
So find your motivation. What is it you want to do in life? Think about whether you will be able to achieve that without studying. What options will be open to you if you do not study? Answer these questions truthfully, not for anyone else, but for yourself and see where they lead you.
All the best
Follow your passion
Dear Madam,I am a second year B E student in EEE branch VTU. I have 1 backlog in each of my semesters. I am not able to give my best. I was doing well in my school and PUC. Will I get a good job even if I have backlogs? I am totally stressed. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Please help.
Kamalesh
Dear Kamalesh
I understand that you are stressed because your parents have a lot of hopes from you. It may be worthwhile for you to make a concrete list of those hopes. For example they may want some amount of financial support (specify how much), or they may want you to live in the same town/house as them.
Or they may want to live with you. Or they may want none of this, but may just want to be able to tell their friends and family that their son is very “successful”.
Or they may just want you to be happy. You need to be able to understand for yourself, what you think are their expectations of you. When you say “lots of hope” you are dealing with an ambiguous entity which may be like a mirage, which you will constantly keep chasing and never be able to reach.
Once you are able to understand their expectations, two things may happen. Firstly you may realize that getting a “good” job as an engineer may not be the only way to live up to their expectations. Other careers and opportunities may also give you that option. Secondly, you may decide that you may want to live up to some of those expectations and not others. You will feel a sense of control on this process.
I cannot say whether you will get a “good” job if you have backlogs. All I can say is that your marks will only open some doors for you.
They will not guarantee your success. Your success in your career will depend on a lot of other qualities like your ability to work in a team, lead a team, solve problems, think creatively, communicate clearly and confidently, learn quickly, etc. The marks may open some doors, but if one door closes another one will open. The only difference is you may have to look for it a little harder.
Try and understand your worry and your anxiety and befriend them to goad you to do better, rather than treat them as your enemy that stops your from performing.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am studying now in 12th Standard. I am losing my interest in studies. I am so much interested in music that I like to compose songs and I would like to make music direction as a profession. I have practised classical music for 11 years and I know the basics of western music as well. But my parents like me to take Engineering. I am not sure that I will pass the engineering entrance exams. I have failed once in 11th Standard Even if I choose the music field I don’t know what to do. So please give me some tips.
A Student
Dear Student
I understand that your parents want you to do Engineering and that’s why you are being torn between your passion, and what your parents want you to do. I am sure your parents will be comfortable with whatever choice you make, provided you have made an informed decision and know what to do and how to do it.
For that you would need to get more information about the music field and the opportunities in it, the entry barriers, and what you need to do to break them. I am not the right person to tell you about this. You will need to connect with people in the field of music and get their inputs.
Your parents will not be comfortable with your choice if they feel you do not know what you are talking about and are beating around in the dark. Ultimately, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in an enormous amount of effort to excel in it.
And, it is better to excel in your field of choice rather than to be mediocre in any other field.
You may want to try and understand the reasons why your parents want you to do engineering. Once you understand this, you may decide to either follow that path, or follow the path you want.
However, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in a lot of effort to stand out. So don’t let the effort tire you out.
Good luck.
Dear Madam
I am a 2nd PUC PCMB student. My problem is that I lost interest in studies when I was in my 10th Standard and got 3% less than the usual distinction I used to get. Since the past two years, I have totally lost my form and fear that the same would repeat in my finals this year. And I'm very weak in maths. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying.
Dear Student
I have said this in my column several times before, because yours does not seem to be a problem unique to you. It seems to be happening to many students who let the fear of the results, or their “relatively poor” performance in past exams, demotivate them about the future. So understand why you think you should study, and analyse the benefits of studying.
Who do you think will be the biggest beneficiary of your studying? You can choose to let fear control you to inaction, or you can choose to let fear drive you to action. It is entirely in your control, and your choice.
So find your motivation. What is it you want to do in life? Think about whether you will be able to achieve that without studying. What options will be open to you if you do not study? Answer these questions truthfully, not for anyone else, but for yourself and see where they lead you.
All the best
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