[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of January 30, 2014]
Dear Madam,
I have developed a negative persona
since I once got into depression. I thought I had been good always, but
I had to come across a problem like this. I was infatuated with a boy
during my school days and I had revealed it to my friends. But two years
after school, I felt very scared as one of them had told it to others. I
thought I cheated God and my family. I had not been good enough for
these feelings of adolescent age coming to me. I was so depressed that I
totally regarded myself as a bad girl and started converting my all
good things into negative ones. I began negative self-talk. It was for a
very long time. Between this I felt that I like to be negative, to
cheat all. Now I am find myself a negative person. I feel very bad and I
am unable to change my mind on a positive path, always thinking
negatively. Please help me to be positive. I feel I don't have the
desire and motivation to be good.
A Student
Dear Student
Thank you for getting in touch
with me. I urge you to go for counselling to help you identify your
unhelpful thought patterns and replace them with something that is more
positive and helpful for you. Even a couple of counselling sessions will
make a big difference.
From all you have said in your letter, I
understand that you are feeling guilty because you became attracted to
one boy several years ago, and you feel that it is a ‘sin’ to do so and
that you have let God and your family down by doing so. Let me tell you
very clearly, no matter what religion you follow, it is not a crime to
be attracted to someone, in fact it is the natural order of things in
the world. Had it not been for this attraction the world would not have
gone on? Hindu mythology and scriptures are full of tales of this sexual
attraction. So then what makes you believe it is a sin? Our society
often lives by double standards and children are made to believe it is a
sin, and they grow up staying with that belief, not ever being able to
challenge it (because we are also often told not to challenge what our
elders have told us). You have committed no sin, or crime. You are a
worthy able person who now just needs the help of a counsellor to
question some of these deep-seated beliefs that you have grown up with.
Get this help as soon as you can and start living again. All the best.
Dear Madam
Now
I am in my 1st PUC (PCMB). I don't know why I feel so inferior. I feel
everyone is greater than me, and they have their own talents. I feel
nervous and scared to speak to my lecturers. If they ask me any
questions or tell me to read out something I can't do that. I
mispronounce things and my hands start shaking a lot. I don't feel
confident about myself and I really don't know why this happens to me.
At home everything is alright but outside I get nervous. In my exams too
I make a lot of silly mistakes because of which I loose marks. I feel
inferior and my parents always scold me because I do everything very
slowly and in an improper way. Please guide me on how I can come out of
this, and suggest me ways to build my confidence.
Chaitra Gowda
Dear Chaitra
I
have written a lot about self-esteem in this column before. I urge you
to read some related articles on this in my blog: See a lion in the
mirror
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html
); How balanced are your seesaws (
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html
); Its not the end of the road
(http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html).
You must take the help of a trusted adult or of a counsellor to help
you work around this and to build your self-esteem. Identify your
strengths and gain confidence from them; recognize your weaknesses and
accept them. In short know who you are now, and how you would like to
change and grow. This knowledge will give you the foundation to believe
in yourself. Know that you are special and that there is no one else
exactly like you. Cherish that uniqueness and make the most of it.
[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of January 9, 2014]
Dear Madam I am a class X student. When I sit
to study, I study only for a few minutes. I get distracted very easily.
I think that I will do it after some time but ultimately the days pass.
That leads to studying the whole portions before the examination day.
This happens to me every year. Due to this my results are always below
80%. I really don’t want to face this mess in my Board exams so I want
you to suggest me a solution for this problem. A student
Dear student
What amazes me, and gives me a lot of hope, is that
with hardly any effort you are able to get 80% marks. Can you imagine
what wonders a little bit of effort can do? You need to be grateful that
you are blessed with the intelligence you have, and make the most of
it. Very often people need to put in a lot of effort to get to your
level. You only need to put in the effort only to go beyond that level.
That is a great place to be in and the choice to make the most of it, or
to fritter it away, is yours, and yours alone. You owe it to yourself,
more than to anyone else. So count your blessings that you have an
option of chasing the sky because the only missing component is one you
have complete control over – your effort! What are you waiting for?
All
the best
Dear Madam, I am a student of
Class XI. I had scored 92% in 10th standard. But now it has declined to
40%. I don’t know what happened to me and my confidence level is almost
0. My aim is to become a lecturer in zoology. But I don’t like any
subject nowadays. I really don’t know what to do in my future. Please
help me madam. Vidyarani Mahendrakar
Dear Vidyarani It
is important to try and analyze for yourself why there has been a
sudden drop in your performance. Only when you understand the reasons
for something happening can you take necessary steps to rectify the
situation. Are you distracted by something, or someone? Are you not
interested in subjects anymore? Are you finding them difficult? Are you
not understanding what is happening in class and therefore not able to
follow the material? Are you scared of your exams and the marks and the
fear is immobilizing you, or are you feeling pressurized to perform and
is that what is making it hard for you to focus. It is important to
understand the reason to be able to address it, and for this you may
need to take the help of an adult you can trust, or a counsellor. Once
you know the reasons that are holding you back, you can work on
addressing the issues involved.
Dear Madam, I
am studying in class 6 CBSE. I am average in maths and when I practise
maths for hours my brain gets stressed and I fall asleep for a long
time. Madam, please give me a few tips so that I can be stress
free. Akash vardhan
Dear Akash As a 6th
grader, my advice to you is to make stress your friend. Stress is not
always a bad thing. In fact some stress is often good and necessary
because it motivates us to put in our best effort to do better. It
drives us to achieve our potential. So don’t look for a stress-free
life, because it doesn’t exist. Instead look at stress as a helpful
force that pushes us to do our best.
So if maths is stressing
you out, it does not mean that you have to give it up because it is bad
for you. It only means you have to try a little harder and put in a
little more effort to get success in it. And maths is one of those
subjects which immediately rewards effort – the more effort you put in
the better you get at it.
Dear Madam, I
am an aspirant of civil service. I hail from Udupi and came to Bangalore
in 2012 June for coaching from a coaching institute. Initially I was
interested in studies and fully concentrated. As exams were approaching I
lost interest in books. I stopped going to classes and was watching TV
for hours together. As a result I lost in my first attempt. In 2013 June
I decided to work as a teacher to reduce the financial burden on my
parents and to manage time and money. It is almost two months since I
have touched my books. I am confused regarding my optional paper. I
studied in Kannada medium from standard 1 to 10. I am therefore scared
that my essays may not be up to the mark. I don’t know what to do.
Please guide me. Sanjana Vasudeva
Dear Sanjana Don’t
let your fear immobilize you. Confront your fear, face it, and make
fear your friend. Let it be your motivator to drive you to put in your
best effort. What is the worst that can happen if your essay is not up
to the mark? At best you won’t clear the paper. Which, in any case if
you don’t put in your effort, you may not do. So instead of letting that
fear immobilize you, let it motivate you to put in more effort in all
areas, There is nothing that cannot be overcome with genuine and sincere
effort. If you know that essays are your weak spot then take some extra
help in that area – ensure you speak in English, watch English movies,
read an English newspaper and books.
Also, remember, there is no
weakness we cannot overcome – either by putting in an extra effort to
minimize our weakness, or by changing our belief about the debilitating
impact of our weakness on us, and compensating for it by focusing on
other areas. Good luck
[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 19, 2013]
Dear Madam,
I am a professor (PhD in Pharmacy) and my husband
is an engineer (Mechanical). My son is doing Engineering from a reputed
college but he is not doing well. He has already lost two years and is
still in the first year. He was not good at studies while in school also
and he got only 50% for PUC. We put him to Engineering thinking that
somehow he will manage. But he has become disinterested in studies now
and says he wants to go for modeling and enter film industry. He is good
looking and tall. So he is getting the confidence as all his friends
say he can become a hero. Since I am in the education field since 25
years, I feel bad about him dropping studies. What do you suggest?
Because of this I have health issues also. Please advice. A concerned mother
Dear Mom,
As parents, we have to learn to let children live
their dreams, not ours. We have to be able to separate our issues and
concerns from those of our children. We have to be able to address our
anxieties and disappointments for ourselves, and not pass them onto our
children. Ultimately all parents want their children to be happy and do
well, but the mistake we make is we feel that the path we
suggest/know/want is the only way to be happy and do well.
We
have to learn to watch while our children make mistakes, and then
recover from the process, in their journey towards their goals and
dreams.
I understand that you are an educationist and both you
and your husband are well educated. You would have liked the same for
your child, because that is the only proven way for you towards success
and happiness. However, if you are able to separate your life’s journey
from his, you will let him embark on his journey with confidence. His
desired journey is not ‘wrong’ - it is just different from the one you
would have chosen either for yourself, or for him.
Also it would
be helpful to remember that his choice of goals and paths is not a
measure of whether you have been a ‘good enough’ or ‘successful’ parent,
or not. Often we are concerned about what society will say about me as a
parent if my child chooses this path. Society will only reflect back to
you, what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with it, you will
not allow what anyone says to impact you.
Ultimately being in a
career in which he is not interested, or not able to do well, for
whatever reasons, is not the path to happiness for anyone. Do you want
him to blame you for his lack of success in his career all his life, or
do you want him to take ownership and responsibility for his life and do
what he believes will make him happy?
We have to accept that our
children, whom we love with all our heart, may make choices that are
different from ones we would have made, and that they may even fail in
some of those choices, but that is their journey of life, which will
teach them lessons along the way. We must just remember to still love
them as best we can.
Dear Madam,
I am a second PUC Science
student. I had no dreams till Class X, but suddenly there was a lot of
pressure on me about studies by my family as they wanted me to work
hard. From Class V to IX, I was just a lazy boy - I did not complete my
notes,and was a dull student in my class. As time passed by, all my
family members began to make fun of me. They used to say I was useless
and wanted me to work in garages, so I was very upset. From then onwards
I started studying. For SSLC, I just studied for four months and was
able to score 68%. All my family members were shocked to hear that I had
passed SSLC with 68%. My father himself had doubts about it. That
night, I sat and thought about whether to opt for Science or Commerce. I
decided on Science and worked hard day and night. I work a lot but am
unable to score well. Now I am in the second year. Now there is another
problem about the entrance exams this year - It will be ISEET. I take
coaching from a reputed lecturer in my city. I am interested in Physics,
for which I scored 89% in the first year annual examination. There is a
relative of mine who finished his B.Sc in Nautical Science and today he
is a captain who earns Rs 14 lakhs per month. But I am a backbencher.
Abdul
Dear Abdul, I
notice from your letter that despite what others around you say about
you, if you set your mind to do something, you do it. Even though you
did not do academically well till Class IX, because you did not focus on
it and were ‘lazy’, once you decided to work you did so well that
people around you were surprised by the results. You need to focused on
doing what you like to do, and putting in your best effort to achieve
what you want to achieve. This is not about what others want of you, or
what others say about you - this is about you, your dreams, your life,
and what you want to make of it. Don’t let others’ judgements of you
define you. Do an honest assessment of your own strengths and
weaknesses, your dreams, the opportunities available to you, and the
threats that may stop you. By going through this process, get to know
yourself better, and let that define you.
Labels that are given
to us in childhood by adults around us, have a nasty way of sticking to
us and appearing to be the truth. We often carry that baggage along for
the rest of our life, unless we become aware of it and consciously
choose to discard it.
Dear Madam,
I and my wife are
worried about the academic performance of our 11-year-old only son, who
studies in Class VI. Either of us are always with him when he sits to
study. Besides coaching, encouraging and motivating him, we help him in
all aspects of his home work, but his marks graph has been going
downward for the last three years. As far as we understand, he attempts
all the questions during exam but makes a lot of spelling mistakes
resulting in loss of marks for every mistake. In the end, he is awarded
less mark for that particular question or no marks at all. Overall he
ends up with less grades in each UT/Term exam.
His study pattern
is thus: reading the particular chapter of the text book which is being
taught in the class during evening or morning hours, identifying hard
words and writing them over and over again for two to three days,
undertaking dictation for whichever words he can’t write properly, and
practicing those for another two days. He reads repeatedly till he
memorizes all the answers, meanings, fill in the blanks etc., and
answers them orally.
But this method is not helping. We bought
online maths tuition for only maths to help him but did not have much
success. Can you suggest a better way for him to do well in his studies?
One observation we made all these years is, while reading text, many a
time, he reads words which are not there in the text at all ( For
example, adding ‘s’ where it is not given). He does this even though
words are familiar to him and he knows how to read them. He wears
spectacles with 3.5 power. We take him for regular checkup in April
every year and replace spectacles as prescribed. He was born in the
seventh month of pregnancy. Is that determining his studies? Please
help. Except in studies, he is very active and mingles with friends,
browses computer, uses mobile, in fact tells us some times things we
don’t know.
Chandramohan
Dear Chandramohan,
When I
read your letter I can sense your anxiety around your child’s academic
performance, and I would urge you to get some help to deal with that
anxiety first, otherwise you will project that anxiety onto your child
in all your interactions and that is not going to help the situation.
Address your fears around the matter and see what is driving that
anxiety. Take the help of a counsellor in doing this, if possible.
Secondly,
please recognize that your child is more than just his academic
achievements or lack of academic achievements. He will have other
strength areas which you must discover, nurture, cherish and value. He
may have weaknesses as well, but that is normal and so do all of us. We
need to be able to recognize them and work around them. I do not know
enough about your child’s academic abilities, but if you have concerns
on that score, you could get him tested to see if he needs any special
assistance in certain areas.
Thirdly, I am not sure how much time
you insist him to study when he comes back home. It should not be more
than an hour or so a day at this level. You need to be able to transfer
responsibility to him, and get him motivated to work on his own, without
your constant monitoring and assistance. Maybe if you let go a little,
he may be able to take more ownership for his work, and feel more of a
sense of satisfaction in doing it.
Fourthly, please focus on
effort, not on marks. Ultimately he needs to put in his best effort to
perform at his optimum level of capability (which may be different from
other children, and may not get reflected in marks). Also, please focus
on his understanding the material and what he is doing, not on
memorizing things he does not understand. That is a very short-term view
of studying. Let learning and rewarding effort be the goal, not the
memorizing and rewarding marks.
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplemt of November 28, 2013]
Dear Madam, I am a student of Engineering (EC) III
semester now. When I was in 2nd PUC I was good in studies. I secured 90%
in PUC. But when I entered Engineering my life totally changed. I am
not able to concentrate on my studies. When I sit down to study I start
thinking of something other than studies. I don't know what has happened
to me. I have lost all hope in my life that I’ll score good marks in my
upcoming exams. In my class I had a friend. We both were good friends
when we were in 2nd semester but now I don't know what has happened to
him. He is not speaking with me properly. Because of that I am so
distracted. I am trying to forget everything about 2nd semester, but am
not able to come out of that. Switching on to my career part, I even
thought of ending my life. I am totally frustrated with my life. Earlier
I wasn't like this. I was very happy in my life, I used to laugh and
enjoy life. But now I am totally different. I want to be as I was
before. Please help me. I don't want to see my life getting ruined like
this. Neha
Dear Neha, I understand that you are feeling
totally lost and distracted because of the loss of friendship that you
had with one boy in your class. Your academics is suffering, you are
giving up on life, and you even considered suicide. Neha, can anyone be
more important to you than yourself? Yes, only if you do not consider
yourself important. You must have seen this quote in many places, “Don’t
make someone else a priority in life, when you are only an option in
theirs.” No one will be a constant companion in your life for you other
than yourself. People will come into your life for some time and move
on. The only person who will be with you all your life, is YOU.
So,
honour yourself. And recognise your own worth. Try and understand why
that person was so important to you that you are willing to lose
yourself in his memory. What need was he fulfilling for you? Think about
how you can fulfill that need in some other way? If you are not able to
answer these questions for yourself, I suggest you seek the help of a
counsellor who will help you work things out in a way that will make you
feel stronger and more worthy and less dependent on other people. All the best
Dear Madam, I
am a regular reader of counselling column in DH Education. I wish the
same helps me too. I am a 2013 fresher in ECE branch with 56%
aggregate. I have done courses in AutoCAD and OrCAD. I am interested in
doing a job in the field I have studied. Due to my percentage I find
none. My parents want me to do a course in Java, which I don't want to
do, but have agreed since I really want to work and it is my last resort
to get a job. In case I don't find a job through that too, I intend to do Masters. But
again, I am confused to choose between MBA and M Tech. Though I have no
idea about MBA, my instincts suggest me to go ahead with the same. If I
decide to do MBA, what are the admission criteria? Which branch is
easy? Which one has more scope? Which are the top colleges for it? What
job will I end up with if I do an MBA? I am tired of hearing
sarcastic remarks from parents about being jobless. Seeing my cousins
fare well in life is making me miserable. I avoid people and my employed
friends since they pity me. I know I have made a mistake by taking
Engineering lightly and I don't want to make the same mistake in life,
again. Please guide me. A Student
Dear Student, I
understand your confusion on what you should do next and how you should
go about doing something that will eventually get you a job. I am,
however, not a career counsellor, and will not be able to give you any
inputs on that aspect. However, what concerned me, was the last
paragraph of your email. I am responding to you purely about that.
I
hear you say that because you have not been able to find a job, you are
feeling worthless; so much so that now you do not even like to meet any
of your family and friends because you don't have a job. You are
feeling embarrassed about it and shying away. You are also feeling
jealous or envious of your cousins who are all doing well. Maybe, that
is also putting some pressure on you. You regret not having focussed
enough on your studies till now, and are looking for ways to set right,
or restrict the damage done.
Here, I want to remind you about a few things:
* Success in life does not depend only on your marks in exams. In fact,
marks can’t do anything more than open a few doors for you. Success in
life depends mostly on other factors like self-confidence, communication
skills, ability to work with others, ability to lead a team,
creativity, problem-solving skills, ability to think out of the box,
etc. Marks do not even figure as a factor. Not having marks does not
mean that you cannot be successful.
* You need to arrive at your own
definition of success, not accept a definition that has been thrust upon
you by your parents, or friends, or other significant people. So take
some time to define your own idea of success.
* Your current goal
seems to be getting a job. Unfortunately, merely getting a job should
not be the goal. Getting a job can merely be a stepping stone towards an
ultimate larger goal. After all, you want a job that will be
fulfilling and that will help you go closer towards your definition of
success.
* To aid you in this process you must have a clear
understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses, so that you can gain
strength from your strengths, and you can accept yourself with all your
weaknesses. You could choose to overcome some of those weaknesses, and
you can choose to live with some of the others. To aid you in this
process, it may be helpful for you to take the help of a counsellor, or
some other trusted adult. Your goal should be to help you define and
accept yourself, and then go forward in the world with confidence and a
'can do' attitude.
[The following article by me appeared in the November 14. 2013 issue of Deccan Herald]
Most students feel
anxious about upcoming exams. They loose confidence, feel incapable, get
headaches, feel isolated, and scared of what it holds for them. Several
worries weigh them down. It would be useful to demystify exam-related
anxiety; break it down into its components so that students understand
what they are going through, and tackle it head-on.
Everyone
experiences some anxiety related to exams. A little bit can be helpful
and make you mentally alert for the challenge. However, excessive fear
makes it hard to concentrate and makes you struggle to recall things.
Exam-related anxiety is a psychological condition in which people
experience extreme anticipatory, situational or evaluation anxiety in
testing situations. Like everything else, it has a physiological,
behavioral, cognitive and emotional component.
Physiological symptoms
The
severity of exam-related anxiety can vary from having mere "butterflies"
in your stomach to difficulty in concentrating. Some might experience a
racing heartbeat, shakiness, a feeling of fear or may simply blank out.
Others may feel nauseous, short of breath, or have a full-blown panic
attack. Other symptoms include headaches, stomach aches, diarrhea,
excessive sweating, light-headedness and dry mouth.
The
physiological symptoms can be many, and you may not always be willing to
acknowledge that those symptoms have anything to do with your anxiety.
25-40% of all students experience some form of exam-related anxiety,
which has a consistently negative relationship with performance.
Exam-anxious students perform about 12 percent below their non-anxious
peers.
Faulty cognitions
At the root of
all anxiety is fear which threatens your security and stability. While
fear is designed to warn you of real danger, it’s only sometimes that
the danger is indeed real! Inferior performance arises not because of
intellectual problems or poor preparation, but because anxiety of
testing situations disrupts attention and memory functioning.
Unhelpful
thought processes catastrophise potential outcomes, and result in a
fear of failure, feelings of inadequacy, self-condemnation, negative
self-talk, unrealistic expectations and perfectionist tendencies, seeing
the marks as an ultimate goal, instead of merely a stepping stone to a
larger goal.
If your conversation with yourself is as follows,
you could have a faulty belief system which causes your anxiety. “If I
don’t do well in the exams…
…I’ll be a failure.”
…my parents will be disappointed with me.”
…my friends won’t like me; my teachers will think I’m dumb.”
…I’ll let my teachers down.”
…I won’t be good enough. I can’t make a mistake. I always have to do well and be right.”
Parents
are often a source of pressure, especially when they place more
emphasis on marks than on the effort being made. This results in greater
worry, irrelevant thoughts, and a strong fear of failure. Anxiety may
also be because you think you may confirm a negative stereotype about
your entire social group. Or you may be too concerned about the positive
or negative labeling by others.
Exam-related anxiety results in
several different emotions, ranging from depression, anger, and
hopelessness, lack of confidence, inadequacy, demotivation, fear, and
low self-esteem. The low self-esteem makes you equate your worth to the
marks you get. Behavioural manifestations
You
get easily distracted; you experience difficulty with comprehending
relatively simple instructions, and have trouble organizing or recalling
relevant information. You tend to procrastinate and be disorganized
about your time and work, and have inadequate study and test-taking
skills.
Restructure your thoughts
Restructuring
one’s thoughts is the most important component of tackling exam-related
anxiety. It is critical to change your attitude and think positively.
Use
strategies to personalise your success for yourself and visualise what
success looks like for you. Use self-talks to concretise it. Write about
it in a journal. Do whatever it takes to make it concrete in your mind.
*
Engage in thought-stopping Every time you start going down the spiral
of negative thoughts, hold yourself. Snap a rubber-band on your wrist,
pinch yourself, or do something that will snap you out of it. As you
anticipate the exam, think positively; for example, "I can do well in
this exam. I have studied and know my stuff."
* Do not overplay the importance of your marks. They’re not a measure of your worth, nor a guarantor of your future success.
Avoid
thinking of yourself in an ‘all or nothing’ way – either as a total
success, or as a complete failure. Give yourself positive
acknowledgement for what you’ve done, and for doing your best.
*
Name your fear, concretise it, and then do not think about it. Instead
keep on the task, step by step. Expect some anxiety. It gives you the
energy to do your best. Just keep it manageable.
Remember that
anxiety can become a ‘habit’. Most people think anxiety is something
happening to them rather than something they are creating. Take
responsibility for investing in anxiety-provoking thoughts and
reactions, and allowing negative projections to control you. This is not
easy but it is doable.
* Remember, failure is always an event,
never a person. Your parents may be disappointed with your performance,
but they will still love you.
Your friends like you for who you
are, not for your marks. And, if they like you only for your marks, they
are not friends worth having. Your teachers may think you’re dumb, but
that doesn’t make it the reality.
Your marks are your business.
If anything, you let yourself down, not anyone else. Making a mistake
isn’t a crime. You can make a mistake sometimes. That gives you an
opportunity to learn.
Behavioural strategies
*
Focus on your study skills. Put in your best effort. Being well
prepared helps minimise your rational anxiety. Do not fall into the trap
of last minute cramming. Take a step-by-step approach and do not get
overwhelmed.
Break-up each major task into smaller goals;
acknowledge yourself on achieving each goal. Manage your time – don’t
procrastinate; minimise distractions; organise your material so you have
everything you need when you need it; make and stick to a schedule;
include self-testing; use mind maps and aids to memory; review previous
tests and learn from past mistakes.
* Do not neglect your basic
biological, emotional, and social needs. Think of yourself as a total
person – not just a test taker. Adopt a healthy lifestyle; eat
nutritious food, get enough sleep, do enough exercise, get personal
downtime, have social interaction, and practice relaxation regularly.
Follow
a moderate study pace, and vary your work and take breaks. Once you
feel you are adequately prepared, relax. Avoid speaking with peers who
express negativity. Organise yourself the night before and get enough
sleep otherwise you won’t be able to function optimally.
On exam day
* Eat a healthy meal; take a healthy snack.
* Get to the exam in good time, allowing time for things that need to be done.
* Don’t talk to others before the exam if that increases your anxiety.
* When papers are distributed, calm yourself by taking slow deep breaths.
* Read instructions carefully; budget your time.
*
If the exam is more difficult than you anticipated, focus on doing your
best. It might be enough to get you through with a reasonable grade. If
you go blank, skip the question.
* Focus only on that exam, not on
what others are doing or on thinking about past exams or future goals.
Don't panic when students start handing in their papers – there’s no
reward for finishing first.
* If you’re anxious during the exam, calm
yourself. Use relaxation techniques -stretch your arms and legs and
relax them a few times. Take slow deep breaths. Do some positive
internal self-talk. Remember you’re in control.
When the exam is over, treat yourself. If you don't have other commitments, take the night off.
If you have other exams, postpone a larger break, but a brief break may be just the "pick up" you need.
Also,
review what worked, and build on those strategies, no matter how small
they may be. They’re building blocks to your success. List what didn’t
work well, and don’t follow those methods again. Celebrate that you’re
on the road to overcoming your exam-related anxiety.
[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of November 7, 2013]
Dear Madam,
I'm studying 2nd PUC (science-PCMC). I was a bright student when I was in my primary school and was able to achieve more than 90% in my exams. But as the days passed i.e. in my high school, my performance dropped and I got 82 percent in my CBSE exam. Friends was not a problem at all. All were toppers in my group except me. Later on this became even more worse and I got 61% in my first PUC and I truly feel my performance is decreasing even more this year. To be honest, I had good concentration in the beginning but as I cleared my high school and PUC my concentration and interest towards studies kept decreasing every year. I'm very worried about this. When I sit to study, I get the feeling of doing something in life but that momentum is only there for about half an hour. I get distracted very easily. I think "I will do it after sometime" and ultimately the day passes. That leads to studying the whole lesson a day before the exams which I don't want to happen. I really want to get out of this mess. I really want to prove myself. My parents have great hopes on me and they encourage me pretty well. Their words pump me up for the day but that is gone as the day passes. And by the way, I go to tutorials. I find organic chemistry and physics numericals tough; the other subjects are pretty manageable. I take more time than an average student to study. I don't have any problems with languages or with computer science.
I think time management, concentration, determination and hard work have been a major concern for me. I think if I mend my ways, I’ll be on my track but I don’t know how to. I have a very busy schedule on all the days and barely get time to study. I get a day off on Thursday from my tutorials and I'm free for half a day on Sunday. On the rest of the days, I approximately get 5 hours of leisure and the day is very tiring. I think I'm cheating myself and indirectly my parents. I say things but do not implement them. I have the right amount of confidence but don't know how to overcome my problems. Any suggestion on this would be helpful. I intend to do civil engineering in the future.
Thanks G.N. SAI SWAROOP
Dear Sai Swaroop
I think you need to spend sometime identifying your passion and your dreams. You say you want to do civil engineering. That, by itself, cannot be your end goal. Studying civil engineering can only be a means to an end. What do you want to do in life, for which you view civil engineering as a stepping stone? What is that future that you dream of? Visualize it. Concretize it as much as possible. Then break it down into smaller achievable goals. Maybe you don’t see your current work as being a stepping stone towards that ultimate goal. You need to be able to understand for yourself how this fits into your own long-term goals. That will help you find your motivation.
There is no substitute for hard-work, diligence, and putting in your best effort. Sometimes we are unable to find the motivation for this because the goals and dreams we are pursuing are not our own, but those of our parents or friends or other people in our lives. You say you want to prove yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. And, remember, the benefits of your hard work and diligence will also come to none other than yourself.
Also, identify the source of your distraction and inability to concentrate. Is it fear of failure, or anxiety about the outcome? Is it some distracting event or person? Is it your inability to comprehend and understand the subject? Is it peer pressure?
Maybe you should start a system of rewarding yourself every time you are able to pull back from being distracted and stay focussed and on track. Such things often help in behavior change over time.
The good thing is that you are aware that your current behavior is not helpful and you want to change it. Getting to that point is often the biggest hurdle. Once you are there I am sure you will find your own ways of overcoming it.
All the best
Dear Ma’am
I am a student of class IX CBSE in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Around 6 months ago I shifted from Tamil Nadu to Karnataka. Here I am not satisfied with anything. The only thing I feel is disappointment. I used to score above 95%, now I hardly score over 85%. My interest over studies is mostly disappeared. I am always distracted. Apart from studies I used to play over 2 hrs daily but here I lack such facilities (playground). I simply waste my thinking of my peer group, my school, my best times and sometimes I feel so disappointed that I even cry for hours together. I just feel I won’t survive this competition. Please direct me to a better future.
A Student
Dear Student
I understand that you are really struggling to adapt to the changes in a new environment. You are missing your old school and old friends. You are missing the fact that academically you used to do really well there. You are missing the fact that you had an opportunity to play there and you don’t have that here. Change is hard for everyone, but some change in life is inevitable. If you learn to embrace change you would have learnt an invaluable life lesson, because the only thing constant in life is that things will change. You will you remember your ‘good times’ in Chennai, remember them with a fondness and nostalgia and tell yourself it is now time for you to move on to different things - different opportunities, different friends, different places. The reason you are finding it hard is because you are resisting change and viewing it as something bad. Instead embrace it and view it as an opening of new doors for you. You will be amazed at the difference your ‘thinking’ will make to your ‘feeling’ about the change. In life, when one door closes, another one always opens. Sometimes, you just need to look a little harder for it.
So embrace change and let the doors open for you.
All the best
Dear Madam,
I am a correspondence MBA student. I am also working in a firm. From my school days I have been a very silent person. I want to talk to everyone & mingle with them, but cannot. I do talk individually with each person, but do not talk when I am within a group of people or in a team at my office. I do not know whether it is an inferiority complex or low confidence. I also feel that people ignore to talk to me & do not recognize me at all. Please help me to overcome this problem.
Thanks,
Dear....
Firstly, I get a sense from your letter that in your mind being a ‘silent’ person is somehow not okay, or a sign of inferiority. That is absolutely not the case and if you are comfortable with your silence it is not a problem at all. It takes all kinds of people to make the world. Some are just more quiet than the others.
Having said that, if you are feeling that you are not comfortable with the fact that you are silent in a group, and you feel it is because of a sense of inferiority or insecurity on your part, then I suggest you have a few sessions of counselling. This will help you identify and overcome the fears that are holding you back. It will also help you build your self esteem. People tend to reflect back to you what you feel about yourself. If you feel inferior, you will feel that people are treating you in a way that shows you are in deed inferior. Counselling can help you address that very effectively. So take the first step to helping yourself along this journey. You owe it to yourself.
All the best
Dear Madam
I am a student of class 10. Previously I was interested in opting for Science after 10th but now I am much more interested in opting for Arts. My parents are not happy with my decision as all of my cousins had taken Science. They have told me that I need to tell them what I am going to do in my life as they don’t think if there is any future in arts. I don’t know much about streams which I can opt for after my PU as I had been researching about engineering. I want to go for film making and choreography. I like to study about human behavior too. I also dream of becoming a politician one day but I don’t want to tell that to my parents as they hate politics and feel that one needs to be corrupt to become one. I would first like to become a professional filmmaker and choreographer. I request you to tell me what I can take for these two so that I can give my parents a clear reply and the stream I should take for pursuing higher studies in political science in later life.
A student.
Dear Student
Unfortunately I am not a career counsellor and have no capability to guide you about what courses you should take. I think you would benefit from getting some career counselling to help you match your interests, abilities and strengths to career options. Since you have a wide range of options in front of you, you may do well to get some formal guidance about it.
I agree that you should take subjects that you are interested in, not just those that your parents tell you to take or those that your cousins took. However, it may serve you well to visualize your end career goal, and then choose your subjects merely as a stepping stone towards achieving that goal.
Your parents are right in being concerned about what you want to do. However, you should not take this ‘you’ vs. ‘them’ approach. Try and engage them in the process of helping you choose your career path, and therefore your subjects. Ultimately they want what is best for you, and the more clarity you have about your path the more comfortable they will feel with your choices.
