Keep Faith in Yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of February 11, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in IX in Bengaluru. I have many problems in my studies. I am not able to concentrate on my studies and I do not know the reason. One more problem is that I want to become a fashion designer. I am very passionate about it. I am not able to decide what subjects I should opt for in 11th. I cannot opt for arts as no one in my family will let me study arts because they tell me that arts is not at all useful. Kindly guide me on this aspect. And please let me know how I can improve my concentration.

Pooja K
Dear Pooja,

When you are in the 9th, the subjects you are going to do in the 11th standard is not something you need to decide right now. As far as I know you need to decide your subjects only in the middle of your 10th standard. At this point of time, what subjects you eventually choose does not have any bearing on what you do right now, because for now you have to do all subjects, and attempt to do all subjects as well as you can. So don’t create an additional hurdle in your mind that is not allowing you to proceed because you don’t know what to do in the 11th. The two are not related right now. 

Also, even if you want to pursue fashion designing as a career, you can do so with whatever subject you choose in the 11th. It is important for you to remember that your career choices may change as you grow older, and they often do. Most people don’t have a firm choice as early as 9th standard. So it is always safer to make subject choices which keep your options open so that you have the possibility of choosing a different path.

As for your concentration, you need to understand what thoughts are causing you to get distracted. It is often helpful to do some deep breathing when you are distracted, and bring you focus back. I would need to understand what is distracting you in more detail to be able to help you. Maybe you can call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to talk to a counsellor who can help you with this. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am presently studying 2nd year BE. In the first year, I have scored FCD (first class with distinction). However, I feel that my interest towards studying is decreasing and I sometimes feel that I may fail. I don’t know why this is so. During the exam time, I feel more sleepy and I can’t even read for two hours continuously.  I tried studying by sitting in the library but couldn’t and I can’t see myself lagging behind. Can you suggest ways to help me?

Potential engineer
Dear potential engineer,

I hear you say two things – the first is that you are scared of failure. This fear is what is potentially holding you back from being able to perform at your best and put in your best effort. The second thing I hear you saying is that you can’t see yourself lagging behind. In some ways the two things are linked, but there are some differences.
I urge you to read this article on the subject of failure: 

http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html 

We need to learn to view failure, not as something to be dreaded, but as something which helps us understand our limits and learn from the experience. Failure is never a person but an event. So if you fail in an exam, it does not mean that you have failed, all it means is that you have failed at an exam. There may be several other things that you will succeed at. Instead of viewing failure as a final blow, we have to learn to take it in its stride, because some amount of failure in life is inevitable and the sooner we learn to deal with it, the better.

The second issue about not being able to see yourself lagging behind is also related to the same concept. You need to build your sense of self-worth based not only on your academic performance but on other qualities of your personality as well. I think it will be helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you deal with these too aspects, because these are easy to understand if you spend the time to do it, but if you don’t they have the potential to derail you from your path. 

You don’t need to be successful at everything you do, even though that may be a preferred choice. You need to focus on completing the marathon that is life, not on winning every sprint. All the best.

Don't let others decide your worth - Ask your counsellof Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on January 21, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I have lost all my hopes to achieve what I want in academics. When I was in the junior classes, I was the topper of my class every time. After class 8, my academic performance went weak.

Now I have scored 86 % in the first semester examination. Sometimes I feel it is because of the heavy syllabus. But I have no difficulty in understanding the subject. Everyone who is average, is performing well. I have an exam fear.

I can’t tolerate the tension when I see the question paper in the exams. I put in all my efforts. But I am not getting the results. Please suggest me ways to overcome my exam fever and to gain confidence.A student
Dear student,

The fact that you are facing exam anxiety is not unique to you. Many, many students face anxiety before their exams – especially major exams like the one you are going to take. If your school has a counsellor, I suggest you reach out  for help. Sometimes, a trusted teacher may also play that role effectively. Counselling will help you understand your fears and anxieties and how to face them.

Alternatively, you could reach out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323, which is  free of cost. You will be able to reach a counsellor on the phone who will be able to help you. I have written a lot about exam fear in this column, and all my previous writings can be found on my blog Personalorbitchange.blogspot.in

You could go through the earlier columns and I am sure many of your questions and fears will get answered there. I want to particularly draw you to two articles I have written on this topic which I think will be helpful for you: Why exams are nothing to fear about? (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and Demystifying exam anxiety ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html ).

Dear Madam,

I am in class 10. My board exams are in another few weeks. But, I am not able to concentrate on studies because all my classmates complained about me to my teacher. Now, everyone thinks that I am a bad person. I feel I am being isolated. Please help me out.

Akshara Rao
Dear Akshara,
Just because someone said something about you does not mean that becomes the truth. Also, why are you giving others so much power that they decide whether you are a good person or a bad person? No one is a ‘bad’ person — you may have done something ‘bad’ but that does not mean you are bad in totality. And what gives the others the power to decide whether you are good or bad.

That is something you need to believe and decide about yourself. If you believe you are a bad person, then that is what others start reflecting around you. So believe in yourself. Know your strengths and capabilities and know that everyone has some weaknesses. But most importantly, don’t allow others to pass a decisive judgment on you. They only have that power if you give it to them.

If your classmates complained about you to your teacher, that does not mean that you are not a ‘good’ person and that no one should interact with you. But if you start believing that about yourself then others start thinking that way too.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a 17-year-old student. I just graduated class 12. I wanted to study medicine, but did not get a suitable rank. But I was so determined to get into medical at that time, that my parents allowed me take a year off for the preparations of competitive exams. Now I don’t know why but I’m not able to concentrate or control my mind. I seem to be getting distracted a lot while studying.

Exams are nearing and I am getting tense about the results. I did not join any coaching institute as my parents told me self-preparation is the best way. I thought it won’t be that difficult since I had already gone through the syllabus once. But now, I am facing difficulties. I don’t know what to do. I am starting to doubt my own abilities. I still want to study medicine, but I am starting to feel that I won’t get a good rank this year too. Please help me.Vasudha
Dear Vasudha

You need to believe in yourself. Maybe you are not being able to concentrate because of anxiety around the exams. Because you took a year off to prepare, you may be feeling under pressure to do well. Remember that this entrance exam is not an end in itself. It is just a means to an end. And if you don’t do well in this exam, it does not mean that you are a total failure.

All it means is that you may need to look for some other doors that may open for you, some other opportunities that may come your way. It is good to pursue your dream and give it your best shot. But if you are not able to achieve it, it does not mean that all is lost. As for needing help, there is still time and you may still be able to get some help.

You could get some help with a one-to-one tutor who could just work with your doubts and that may help give you some confidence. Meanwhile, you may also want to read this article on exam anxiety which may be of help http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. All the best.

Your world just fell apart - your child received a diagnosis of mental illness

[The following article was first published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-world-just-fell-apartyour-child-received-a-diagnosis-of-mental-illness/ ]

It is definitely easier to deal with the diagnosis of an illness in yourself, your partner, your parents or your siblings. But dealing with the diagnosis of an illness or disability in your child is a completely different ball game. And when it is a mental illness it seems to take on a whole different dimension. There seems to be an added layer of complexity which need not necessarily be so. I am going to make an attempt here to understand this phenomenon a little better.

So, what happens when you first hear that your child has a mental illness? I can imagine you get flooded with a wave of emotions—fear and anxiety, shame and embarrassment, confusion and bewilderment, disbelief and pain. Dread, dread of what lies ahead, dread of what the world will say—to you, about you, to your child, about your child. A sinking feeling. Why me? Why my child? And guilt. How did I forget guilt? Guilt for having done something wrong as a parent; guilt for having the wrong genes; guilt for being at fault; guilt for not creating the right environment; and guilt for putting your child through this.

Phew! That’s a lot of emotions! And most of us never stop to recognize that they even exist, let alone remember to take out time to deal with them.

We are caught up with denial on the one hand, and with the cloud of worry that seems to have shrouded our future aspirations for our child, on the other. Will my child become independent and be able to achieve his or her potential? What kind of a life will my child have? What would it mean for my future as a parent? As an individual? As a spouse? Often, the marital relationship takes a huge toll, as the couple, so over-wrought with guilt on being the carrier of the ‘defective’ gene, indulges in the blame game. And hard as it may be to believe, given the futility of this game, this happens even amongst the most educated and enlightened ones!

Denial prevents us from facing the situation head on. What we need to do is to understand the diagnosis, get a second opinion, confirm it, and figure out the best way forward. We need to read, read and read some more, on how to understand the situation for ourselves, how to deal with it, and how to explain it to our child. Also, how to explain it to others in the family or support network who may need to know how best to support the child; how to explain it to the world at large.

While all this is going on, it is important to keep our sight firmly planted on the backdrop that says, “This is no one’s fault—not yours, not your child’s. Acceptance is the only path forward!” To use the now famous metaphor—most children are like dandelions that are able to take root and survive anywhere. But your child is like an orchid—fragile but beautiful, and capable of blooming spectacularly if given the special care needed by an orchid. The right parenting and right environment can help ‘orchid’ children grow into creative, successful and lovable members of society.

So what does this mean? How do you create the right environment to nurture the orchids?

• Acceptance is key—accept the child; accept the diagnosis; and, make sure the child understands it is not their fault.
• Acknowledge the child’s feelings, non-judgmentally. Children tend to hold themselves together in school and in front of others; they need the space, freedom, and permission to let their guard down and collapse at home, if they have to. This does not mean that they are ‘acting up’ at home, or that they are playing ‘victim’. Be sensitive to their privacy needs, as well.
• Listen actively
• Love unconditionally
• Keep the lines of communication open. Talk to children about things other than academics such as feelings, ideas, moral dilemmas, and maybe even failure.
• Praise generously, immediately and publicly, even for small accomplishments, but reprimand, if you must, gently and privately; positive feedback is always more powerful than negative feedback.
• Focus on discovering your child’s strengths and talking about them often, knowing that each child is unique and has its strengths.
• Support the child socially, since they may struggle in building relationships—it does not help to let them sink or swim on their own in the sea of peer relationships. They need a life-vest and that ought to be you!
• And, most importantly, get the right professional help not only for your child, but also for yourself.

Yes, for yourself, because to be able to do all of this for your child, it is imperative that you accept and befriend your own emotions. Take care of yourself and remember to recharge your own batteries. You need to bear in mind that none of this is a reflection of your own failure as a parent, as a spouse, or even as a human being. You need to spare yourself the unnecessary, unproductive and emotional turmoil that may be brewing within you. Everyone has problems in life, and you need to consciously remember that. Everyone is fighting some private battle at some point in their life, so in that you are not alone. You need to stop catastrophizing outcomes and learn to live in the moment, knowing that you cannot control the future no matter how hard you try. In addition to everything else, you also may need to focus on helping other children in the house cope, and keep the marriage intact, if possible. All this without professional help for yourself may be a tall order!

Decisions must be yours - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on December 31, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I come from a remote area and humble background, where I struggled to get a single meal after I lost my father and brother during my primary school. Later, life become very hard and I struggled a lot. With great difficulty, I have completed my graduation and post-graduation in regional languages (working and studying) and was struggling to speak in English.

I somehow came to Bangalore and joined a BPO and slowly learnt the language. However, I still face a problem while constructing sentences and speaking in English. I am not able to put in words easily while speaking and writing. I have been humiliated and frustrated. I lost promotions also due to my lack of good English. I have joined coaching centres, but they don’t seem to be working.

I thought of taking competitive exams, but due to hesitation in English (presenting, writing analytically and speaking without stopping). I am feeling frustrated and can’t achieve what I want to and push myself down day by day. 

My query is — is there any course where I can improve my English. I am ready to quit my job and pursue my dream. I request you to kindly provide complete details of any institution in India (address and contact number) where I can realize my long-cherished dream. 

Or can I join any English major degree which can help me to overcome my fear, struggle and fulfill my dreams? If yes, please let me know about the good colleges in India. I am anticipating your valuable guidance.
Ganapathy

Dear Ganapathy
I understand that you have hesitation in communicating in English and I applaud you for the courage it must have taken for you to send in this letter. Learning a new language and successfully communicating in it, has more to do with your confidence in yourself and your willingness to make mistakes and learn from them, than it has to do with joining the best course available.

I am not in a position to answer your question on best courses available, because that is not my area. However, I would like you to take inspiration from our current prime minister who could not speak English when he came to the position, and now  is giving speeches in English in different parts of the world. 

So don’t lose hope. Just practise, practise, practise. More than a class, find yourself some friends with whom you can speak and not be afraid of making a mistake. Ask them to correct you if you say something wrong. Let them know that English is not your strength area and that you want to practise the language. 

Ask them if they can help you. You won’t learn anything new unless you are ready to make mistakes in front of others. One learns from one’s mistakes. So be upfront about your hesitation, and your desire to improve, and seek help from everyone you can.

There is nothing more to it. But this route requires you to not only take some risks, but risks in front of others. So reach out and you will be surprised at how many people will be able to assist you in this journey.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
We feel our son, who is 10, has a very high IQ. We are not sure if it has to be checked at this age and for any purpose. He is quite good in studies, but we are just eager to guide him right. He gets easily distracted; he thinks too many things at the same time. His teachers find him difficult to handle because he gets diverted very easily, although they are very happy with regard to studies and his performance. Perhaps, we are not feeding him enough knowledge, information that can make him a thinker and better focussed.

He is also a voracious reader. Any book, riddles such as crossword, sudoku make him sit with concentration and rapt attention. He is also very good at drawing. We sent him to train under professional artists, but they couldn’t make him draw the usual way. 

He has his own choices and cannot sit patiently with the pencil and colouring, the common way. But when he puts his heart into anything particular, or his daily scribblings, they are excellent.
Our questions are:1. Is it too early for us to worry about his focus? 2. Do we have any special courses/scholarship for high IQ kids in India? 3. Is there any postal courses (not as a hobby) in drawing for kids like him in India?
SA

Dear SA
I cannot answer the specific questions you have raised at the end of your letter. However, it would be good to get your child evaluated by a psychologist for IQ, attention, focus etc. What that will do is it will tell you whether your son is within the norms of normalcy, or outside of it and needs special attention. Without this evaluation, you will not be able to give him the inputs that may be appropriate. So take the first step. Also be observant about his interactions with peers and his other behaviours and discuss these in your meeting with the psychologist.

Dear Madam,
I am 27 years old. I have completed computer science engineering in 2013. I was supposed to have graduated in 2010. Right now, I am in a dilemma. I don’t know which path to choose. I didn’t give many IT interviews because of my backlogs and low grades. I have chosen UPSC as my aim now, but my dad tells me to go abroad for MBA. He tells me I can’t clear UPSC. But I want to stay in India, as my mom is not well and she wants me to be in the civil services field and sometimes she is also worried about me. I am afraid about making the wrong career choice. I am an average guy, but I have some confidence that I can clear UPSC, but many demotivate me so that I don’t do work hard enough. I am scared. Please guide me.
A student
Dear Student
Please believe in yourself and do what your heart desires. Ultimately, there will always be many people giving you a lot of advice, based on their own assessment, their own value systems, and their own aspirations for themselves and for you. You could take all those inputs, but ultimately, the decision must be yours. It is helpful to remember that there is not only one right choice. 

You can make any choice you take work for you or not work for you. You can go abroad and do your MBA and make a great success of it, or you can waste that opportunity and make nothing of it. Or you can take the UPSC exam and make a success of it and a success of the opportunities that come up because of it, or you can waste it by not living a meaningful life. There is more than one path to success and happiness, because ultimately, success and happiness depend on how you define it for yourself, not on how others define it for yourself.

Don’t let other’s assessment of your capabilities colour your decision. If your heart lies in taking the UPSC exam, please take it and give it your best shot. If it doesn’t work out, there will be other paths that you can go down. You could do MBA then. Or you could do the MBA and then do the UPSC also. Like I said, there are many paths you can go down, and each path can be right for you. The important thing is to believe in yourself and make the choice that you feel fits best for you at this point of time.

Also, try and understand your fears. Answer the question – what is the worst thing that you are scared of happening? Often, when you name it, you will realise that ‘worst fear’ is not something you won’t be able to deal with. All the best.

More than one path - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on December 10, 2015]

Dear Madam,

I am 19-year-old and I am in my first year degree. I have difficulty in controlling my aggression. I belong to a background which is very different from the circle I hang around with and I think this has left me with an inferiority complex. A friend will make some comment that annoys me or upsets me and my default reaction is to laugh it off.

However, I am unable to focus on anything else for hours or even days after the event. Much later, I send an aggressive and condescending text to the friend in question, berating them for a remark they have usually forgotten about. This approach is taking a toll on my friendships.

How can I address these situations as they arise? I am not sure what steps I need to take to change my “default reaction.” I am so ingrained and automatic that I don’t realise I have done it till much later.

NP
Dear NP

Aggression is always a sign of an underlying need that is not met or an emotion that is not being satisfied or expressed. When you get angry try and understand what is causing you to feel the anger.

It may be helpful for you to read my article “Get a grip on anger” (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2011/03/get-grip-on-anger.html ) to understand what you are experiencing a little better.

It is always helpful to remember that only you know your truth and reality, and if someone says something about you that is not true, then it does not become true just because they say it. You must believe in yourself. When someone has a weak concept of self, and low self-esteem, and thinks they are not good enough, then anything anyone says becomes like a reality that has got exposed.

The great thing is that you have self-realization on how this pattern of behaviour is hurting you and your relationships. That is the first and biggest hurdle to cross. Once you cross that it is easy to make changes. It is always helpful to ask yourself if the ‘issue’ you are raising is more important than the ‘relationship’ you are destroying. Most of the time the answer to that is ‘No’.

A helpful technique, if you must raise the issue, is to state how the comment made you feel, not challenge the person for making the comment. So say “when you say this, I feel…” rather than saying, “how dare you say …” or “why did you say …”.

The second approach makes the other person defensive of their action and so will not acknowledge or understand the impact it is having on you. The first approach does not challenge them, but merely states the impact it is having on you. So it helps you communicate your point of view without throwing the other person into defensive mode.

Hope this helps. It is best to work through this issue in depth with a counsellor so that it does not block your relationships going forward. If you do not have access to a counsellor you could contact a counsellor at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323.

Dear Madam,

I am an engineering student studying in third year. I am not able to get as much marks as I deserve in my exams. I think one of the prominent reasons is my handwriting in the answer scripts.

Even though my handwriting is good enough, due to time limitations and pressure in exams my handwriting gets very bad. Please suggest me a few steps on how can I improve my presentation skills.

Dhanush
Dear Dhanush

I am not sure this is the right forum for me to help you on your presentation skills. The only thing I can suggest is to practice speed writing when you are not in an exam environment.

So when you have some time off, maybe you should focus on your hand-writing and do some exercise which force you to right at the speed that you need in exams. There is really no other way to improve hand-writing other than practice.

However, you may also want to verify from your teachers if your hypothesis that you are losing marks because of your writing is indeed correct.

How do you do in your assignments when you are not writing fast due to time pressure. Have your teachers every told you that you lose marks because of your writing?

If you are losing marks, instead, because of your exam anxiety and therefore not performing at the level of your potential, then that is a different problem which needs to be addressed with the help of a counsellor.

Take comfort in the fact that you will probably not need to actually be using your handwriting skills to any great extent after you are done with your exams as going forward everything is done on the computer.

All the best.

As a parent, did you remember to dig for gold?

[This article was first published on the White Swan Foundation website at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/as-a-parent-do-you-remember-to-dig-for-gold/] 

Not so long ago I heard someone say “always remember to dig for gold, not for dirt”. What a simple idea! Yet, it so hard to live by. This thought resonated with me and brought back a rush of memories of instances when this value had not been upheld, leading to disastrous consequences.

It would not be inaccurate to state that over three-fourths of children and adolescents who come for counseling, struggle with issues of low self-esteem, and problems arising out of that, even if their presenting problem is different. Their self-talk is all about: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not good looking enough,” “I didn’t do well in my test, so why should anyone be my friend?” “No one is talking to me,” “I can’t ask a question because the teacher may scold me and then the others will laugh at me”, “I am too scared to go up on stage – everyone will laugh at me” and so on and so forth.

Self-esteem reflects a person's overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself, as well as an attitude toward the self. Statements like these are manifestations of low self-esteem and it is important to understand that these children were not born this way. We, the parents and adults in their lives, have made them this way, by our casual, hurtful comments and needless judgments. In our well-meaning effort to spur them on, we sometimes end up bringing them to a grinding halt. 

We need to remember to be extremely careful about what we say, and how we say it. We may very casually, without giving it a second thought, call our child stupid, dumb, slow or incapable. Sometimes even a loser. But do we really want him or her to grow up believing that he or she is stupid, dumb, slow, and incapable or a loser?

The parents of a primary school child came to me some time back seeking help for their young son. They were very concerned after a teacher had pointed out many ‘problems’ with the child during a recent parent-teacher meeting and had suggested that they meet the school counselor. In my interaction with them, they said they were helpless and did not know how to deal with their son. Their choice of words sent a shiver down my spine because in my vocabulary you only “deal” with a “problem”! And a child is not a “problem”. If you perceive your child to be a problem, then that attitude will reflect in everything that you do and say. And your child will soon start believing that he or she is indeed a “problem”.

Not surprisingly, when I asked these parents what they had observed as their child’s strengths, neither parent could come up with anything, even though I tried asking the question in many different ways, at different points in our session. 

Now, to me that is the “problem” that we needed to “deal” with. Not the child.

It should come as no surprise then that many children grow up believing there is nothing unique and special about them, because these parents were not unique in their attitude and behavior. They were by no yardstick uncommon!

Making a child ‘visible’ in the eyes of parents, teachers, and other adults is very important. But to make them visible when they are being good and doing good, rather than when they are being bad and doing bad, can have a significant impact on the child’s mental make-up. This is a powerful tool available to every parent and adult in a child’s life, for free. Adults can instill confidence in children just by keeping their eyes and ears open - listening to the kind word, noticing the neat work, watching out for the good behavior, and acknowledging the effort. 

So if this is not what you are used to doing, how do you start? An attempt in the right direction should involve making sure there is at least something good you have noticed, and acknowledged, in your child every day. And, if every day seems too daunting a task to begin with, start with every week.

You’ll be surprised when you realize how rarely you have been applauding your children for their effort. In fact some kids have probably never received appreciation from their parents, ever. Yet, this negligence goes unnoticed all the time. We are over-alert to the things that are wrong, but tend to take the things that are right for granted.

Remember to dig for gold. And, do it every day till it becomes a habit. And then learn to scrub the gold to make it shine even more, rather than just trying to brush off the dirt and “deal” with the mess thus created.