Identify your strengths - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of September 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a student of class X studying in a residential school. I feel that I am turning out to be inferior. In my previous classes, I was bold enough to face the public in competitions or other activities. However, now I hesitate to open up my ideas. I even hesitate to speak out certain correct things in front of my teachers. This has led me to develop an inferiority complex. Nowadays my voice shivers, whenever I speak to the public in certain competitions. Most of my classmates tease me whenever my voice shivers. I feel ashamed. So please help me.Yashaswini 
Dear Yashaswini,

I understand that you are feeling you are not good enough and are faced with self-doubt and this is stopping you from expressing your opinion, either in class or on stage. You also think your friends are teasing you because of this. I want you to make an attempt at understanding what your fear is. What in your opinion is the worst thing that could happen if you did express your opinion, or if you did falter while speaking on stage? Once you are able to name your fear you will be able to address it.

Also, you must understand all your strengths and recognize your weaknesses. Those friends who laugh at you also have their weaknesses. They are not perfect, and neither are you. Why don’t you let them know how you feel when they laugh at you? Being open about your feelings gives you strength to face situations. For instance, if you are nervous before a speech on stage, and you go up on the podium and in the first line or two mention about how making this speech is a very scary experience for you, you will find that you don’t then need to ‘pretend’ to be ‘brave’. You will understand that it is okay and normal to be scared, and one can overcome it.

But more than anything else, I want you to believe in yourself. Write down a list of all your strengths, and acknowledge them to yourself. Then make a list of your weaknesses, understand that everyone has weaknesses, see which ones you want to overcome and which ones you are comfortable living with. And then go ahead and overcome them. In this process take the help of a trusted adult you can work with. Better still work with a counselor.

All the best

Dear Ma’am,

I am a Class IX CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I have changed the section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was the topper in my previous classes. After changing the section, I am feeling I can't cope up because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section and I feel inferior amongst them. I want to gain my confidence back.

A student

Dear student,

The important thing is not to try to be the topper all the time, but to perform to the best of your ability and to put in your best effort to achieve your potential. Being the topper among a class of mediocre students does not help you achieve your potential in life as much as being amongst a group of bright students who are all striving to achieve their best. This kind of positive peer pressure helps you reduce the gap between your performance and your potential because it forces you to push yourself. Don’t view this as a failure because you are not topping now. Instead, view it as an opportunity that is allowing you to push yourself to succeed. Because ultimately success in life will not come because you topped in your 9th grade, or 10th grade, but because you learnt the important life lesson of pushing yourself and putting in your best effort. Success is not about getting the highest marks in any given group.

Success is about driving yourself to do the best you can. It is about doing better than you did the last time, not necessarily about doing better than everyone else. Use yourself as a benchmark, and let the class drive you to your potential. The moment you shift the benchmark of performance from the rest of the class, to yourself and your previous performance, your focus will change. The marks you get only make a point to others, which is not important. Your effort makes a point to yourself, which is the only thing that matters.

Don’t base your confidence on what others are getting. Don’t view others’ marks as a deterrent - instead view them as a driver and a motivator that will narrow the gap between your performance and your effort.

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Ma’am,

I am Likitha of class 12. I am an average student (70%) but in 10th I got good marks (90%). I had a wonderful set of friends, but I changed my college even though I didn’t want to, because of my parents’ pressure. In the new college also I made friends but they are not so close like my old friends. And here I don’t know why I have lost interest in studies. Before, at least I used to open my books but now even if I do so, after sometime I feel sleepy, or else I loose interest and close my books. I plan to study each day, but I keep thinking I will do it after some time and the day will be gone. With my own interest I took PCMB. I wanted to become a doctor. I know it is not so easy but seeing my marks I have lost confidence. My mom wanted me to take commerce and now she scolds me saying, “If you can’t, why did you take science?” There are only a few months left for my board exams. I am scared about my future. Please help me.

Likitha
Dear Likitha,

I notice that you are already speaking in past tense about your desire to become a doctor, as though it is something that is already not possible. I urge you not to give up your dreams so easily. But make sure it is something you want to do, and not something you are pursuing only to prove yourself to your parents (or anyone else). I also notice that you are labelling yourself as ‘average’ and are surprised by your performance in the 10th. Labels are very dangerous and we tend to live up to the labels we give ourselves. If you consider yourself as ‘average’ you will tend to fulfill that label for yourself. So take a few minutes to identify your strengths, and recognize your uniqueness and special abilities and qualities. You may have average capability in some areas but that does not make you ‘average’ as a person.

Each group of friends has a unique chemistry and energy. It cannot be replaced by another group in exactly the same way as no two groups will be alike. The new group will never be exactly like the old, but will have its own energy and positives.

You say you are scared about your future. What is your worst fear? I feel that this fear is overwhelming you and you are losing your motivation to study. Name your fears. When you name them, they are not as scary any more and often you realize that some of them may not even be rational. You need to find your own motivation to study. And this motivation has to come from you, not from your parents pushing you. After all, who will be the biggest beneficiary of your hard work?

All the best

Learn from failures - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following colum written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of September 5, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I completed my Class X in 2007 with 78%, and my 12th in 2011 with 49%. I had failed two times in 12th. I joined in an engineering college taking electronics and communication. Now I am in the second year. I had 78% of marks in the first year of the degree, but have failed in the second year now. I feel my life to be ruined and have lost confidence in myself. My parents too have lost confidence in me. I do not know what to do in life. I have lost three precious years of my life. If I complete my BE course too, I will not get a good job. I am very confused.
Kaushik

Dear Kaushik
I understand that you are struggling to complete your engineering degree and are losing confidence, not only in your ability to complete the course, but also to be able to get a job. You are worried that you have lost 3 years of life. Success lies in being able to bounce back from a low period. You can choose to say you have wasted three years of your life, and so there is no point, your whole life is a waste. Or you can choose to say that I have wasted three years, but that is only a mere 3-4% of my life. Let me see what I can learn from these failures so that I don’t waste the rest. If you are able to take away some valuable life lessons from this experience, it will not have been a wasted three years.
You need to be able to look at having a successful career, not just at getting the next job. A successful career does not depend on the marks in your exams, but on your other strengths, your confidence, your communication skills, your self esteem, your ability to work in a team, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your creativity, etc. So my suggestion is that first go ahead and identify your strengths (and I am sure you will have some, even though right now it may not seem like that). Think about what kind of career will help you leverage your strengths. Focus on developing some of those strengths. And, if in the process of this introspection, you discover that you would rather be following a different path, don’t be afraid of change. Three years is just that, three years. It is not a life time and you need to be able to put it in perspective. The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that it is your whole life, and  everything is lost.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and have taken up Science. When I was in Class X, I did not know what to opt for as a career, as I was not able to judge what I was good at. I am an average student. Therefore, I opted for science so that I can choose anything later. I wanted to pursue journalism as my career but was not sure. Today, I am sure that I want to be a journalist, but I have to join a reputed college. The problem is that I have lost the little interest I had in studies. The subjects I am studying now seem meaningless for me. They just don't interest me at all. I am not scoring well either. I get 60% or so. Now, my marks and my goal horrify me. I try a lot to study. It’s just not happening. Looking at my present, I get worried about my future. Please tell me what I should do!
Student

Dear student,
I understand your confusion, and your decision on choice of subjects. I think you did the right thing by choosing subjects that kept your options open since you did not know what career you wanted to pursue. Whether you pursue journalism or any other career, gaining a scientific understanding of the world always proves to be beneficial and can add value. My feeling is that now, since you have decided on journalism, you think what you are studying right now is a waste of time, and have, therefore, lost interest in it. That need not necessarily be true. Even if you become a journalist, you may not yet know what kind of journalist you want to become. Journalists also need a certain depth of understanding of the subjects they are going to write about. So journalism can be a career that is built as a layer on top of subject matter knowledge. Your degree in Science will go a long way in becoming a field of specialisation as a journalist for you, if taken seriously. A journalist, specialised in Science and Technology - That would be interesting, right?
You say you are an average student. That means you have given yourself a pre-decided label and will not give yourself the opportunity to break out of the ‘average’ mould. Think about what are your strengths. Break up your big goal of becoming a journalist into smaller steps, some of which you can address now itself. For instance, start writing on topics that may interest you. Try getting your writings published. Write your own blog, etc. This will help you to establish your credentials when you get to the point of launching yourself into journalism. It will also help you differentiate yourself. Don’t let your anxiety about your future, take away the joy from your present. Failure is never final unless you let it. You can always bounce back from failures, provided you learn from them and allow yourself to.
All the best

Define your failures - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 15, 2013]
 
Dear Madam,

I am pursuing engineering in computer science and engineering. I always wanted to become a software engineer. I was supposed to be in 6th semester now but got detained in 5 subjects. I have cleared 4 subjects and have 1 remaining subject which I'll clear. I was a very good student and I'm good, but after I got detained I'm loosing my confidence. I want to get a distinction in the remaining semester and get into some good companies. I want to ask you whether I will I get a good job after getting detained.

A student

Dear Student

You may have failed in a few exams but you are not a failure. Remember failure is always an event, not a person. Failure is a learning opportunity - an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow from that learning. Failure is not the end of the road. There is life after a failure. It is a mere bump or speed breaker, and once you cross it you can zip down the path of life again. So don’t let your failure define you. You define what the failure will mean to you.

If you are able to position the failure as something that gave you essential life lessons which you have learned, then no one will define you in terms of that failure. How you position your failure is your choice. It is up to you, and it is within your control.

Good luck

Dear Madam

I am a 25 year old mechanical engineer. I completed my engineering this year with lots of supplementary exams. I managed to clear all the subjects. Now my score is only 56%. I almost took 6 years to complete engineering. My friends say that I should take up a job and start working. I don’t think any company will take me with this score. I wanted to write the UPSC exam, but every one says I cannot do it. I really want to show them I can. I am ready to study day and night leaving aside all sorts of materialistic life. Please guide me whether my decision is right or wrong. My 10th score is 69% and PUC 2nd yr is only 45%. If there are any exams which can tell me what I’m really good at please tell me.

A student

Dear student,

You could meet with a career counselor who would help you arrive at career options and paths that would match your interests and aptitude. However, I am sure you can achieve anything that you set your mind to. However do it for the right reasons. If you want to appear for the UPSC examination, by all means go ahead. The fact that you have struggled with exams in the past is no guarantee that you will struggle in the future as well. The subjects for UPSC exams will be different from those of your engineering. But do the exam because you want to do it, not because you want to prove yourself to everyone else who said you can’t do it. The only person you need to prove yourself to is yourself. So if you want to take the exam, go ahead and give it your best shot.

As for having no ambition left, visualize your life when you have a goal that you are working towards. And, then visualize one in which you are aimless, goal-less and passion-less. The difference will be so stark that making your choice will not be difficult.

Remember, your life is in your control. You can choose to be its master and make it work for you; or you can choose to be its slave and let it drag you along wherever it wants.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class X and shall be completing the same this year. I hope to secure above 90% of marks as I have done well in the previous years. I want to study arts in future, not because I do not like Science but because I like Social studies. Many people say that there is no scope for arts now. But I want to pursue a career in law. Moreover, I learn both music and dance. I am learning Sanskrit too. I have got 96% in my exams. I am confused, since my parents do not want me to do law. Please help me. 

Mahima Harish

Dear Mahima

You seem to be in a secure place with respect to your marks and seem to have the privilege of having many options open to you because of that. I am glad you are choosing subjects based on what you like, and your interests. You can make a career in whichever field you want the difference between being good at it and being great at it, however, will depend on the passion you bring to the field. That’s why doing what you like is important. Try and understand why your parents don’t want you to do law, and why you do want to do it. It will be helpful to talk to them and understand their reservations, and your own motivations. Arrive at a decision after you have gained this understanding. They may have reasons you cannot understand at this age, and you may have a passion they were not aware of. Communication is the key. And, if after this, there is still a difference of opinion, I feel it is important to do what your heart lies in.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of 2nd PU (Science) studying in a reputed college. In the 1st year, I was good at studies. But after entering 2nd year I am loosing my concentration from the studies. As this is an important year of my life I want to do something but its just not happening. Please guide me in doing well for 2nd PU also.
Radhika N

Dear Radhika

You did not tell me anything about what is happening to you, and in your life, because of which you are losing concentration. We most often lose confidence because we are tensed or stressed, or because we are distracted by something else that is more interesting and occupying our mind. What do you think about when you are trying to study? What is occupying your mind? Is it worry and anxiety about doing well, or some other life event; or is it someone, or something, that is keeping you busy. Are you scared of failure, and are you thinking that this is the final chance in your life to prove yourself and therefore you are feeling stressed about this being the defining year of your life? Unless you tell me what  it is I won’t be able to help you deal with it. Maybe you should think about it yourself and then talk about it to someone who can help you.
You could read more about dealing with issues like this on my blog at personalorbitchange.blogspot.com . Maybe you will find your answer there.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Class IX in a CBSE school. The reason I am writing this is because I can’t zero in on what I should pursue next. I am inclined towards engineering, literature and also law. I am very keen to go abroad on a scholarship basis. But I cannot decide which  course to take next. My parents are slightly pressurising me or in other words: my dad expects too much from me. Please help me.

A student

Dear Student

I think you should probably go in for some career counselling to help you match your interests and abilities with current opportunities available. It is important to choose a career which helps you achieve your potential and which you enjoy and are passionate about.

As for your parents’ expectations of you, all parents have expectations of their children. However, it is your responsibility to communicate to them how much is too much. Parents always want their children to achieve their potential. They feel that unless they communicate this, their children will slacken. If you are feeling pressured then you need to communicate this to them so that they can understand the effect it is having on you. Remember, your parents are on your side, cheering you on. They are not on the opposite side of the fence. You are not in this alone. They are there to help you. But receiving that help and encouragement is up to you.

All the best

Believe in yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in Class XII and am very weak in studies but do very well in sports. Should I study or do sports? Please help me, ma’am. My parents don’t help me in both.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

You are fortunate that you have been able to identify a strength area for yourself. However, even if you focus on sports, you need to be able to identify a way to make it a profession that can sustain you financially. Only a handful of the top sports people earn a lot of money through sports.

For the rest of them, they have to marry their strength in sports with other business ideas to be able to sustain themselves. To be able to do that without other education may be difficult. It may be good for you to look at your academic education as a way of opening doors for you to leverage on your strength in sports. You would probably need the academic qualifications to open some doors for you in the future. Without the academic qualifications you may find your options severely reduced.

So, by all means, focus on sports, but think about how you are going to convert that into an idea that will sustain you financially. You can then view your academic education as a stepping stone to gain the skills for the implementation of that idea.
I hope that was helpful. I urge you to communicate with your parents so that both of you are able to understand each others’ points of view and take an informed decision jointly.

Dear Ma’am,

I am studying 2nd PU now and am really confused as I have to prepare for both NEET and Board exams, and my score in physics and mathematics are really poor. I want to be a doctor, not any doctor but a cardiologist. I know my maths score is immaterial to my dream of becoming a doctor but I want to keep my options open and have a good score in my Board exam as well. And, I often lose confidence on my ability to achieve my dreams and feel that I may have taken the wrong decision. Even after having a good knowledge of what I study, I fail in its presentation. Even in languages I lose marks due to my poor presentation. But, I used to score well in CBSE syllabus in which I completed my tenth. I think I can score well in all the subjects because usually I score well in unit tests but when it comes to summative tests I fail in my performance. I have great hopes of my parents on my shoulder. I don't wish to be a failure. Please solve my riddled conceptions.

P Eshwar

Dear Eshwar,

You seem to be too stressed and that is leading to your lack of concentration and poor performance in exams. It is natural for anyone to have some element of self-doubt about their choice of path.

The grass may always appear to be greener, or easier, on the other path.
I don’t think you should let your parents’ hopes on you weigh you down. They are meant to motivate you, not lead you to dysfunction. You have to believe in the fulfillment of your own hopes and dreams and in that process, your parents’ dreams will also be fulfilled. You are not alone in having to bear the weight of parental expectations. All parents have expectations from their children.
These expectations are meant to motivate children, not to weigh them down. Remember, there are several ways to fulfill parental expectations, unlike the common perception that there is only one right way.

Ultimately your parents want you to be happy and successful. It is your interpretation that they will be happy only if you are happy and successful in ways that they define. You have a choice to be happy and successful in ways that you define. Exercise that choice.

Also, define your end goal - is it to do well in the Board exams, or to do well in NEET, or to become a doctor, or to become a cardiologist, or to become a world-class cardiologist, or to help people live longer lives? Take a long-term view and treat the exams on the way merely as milestones towards that goal. They are not defining moments unless you make them out to be that.

Dear Madam,

My daughter is eleven and a half years old, studying in VI std. She is having a lot of problems with studies. Basically, she is a mild, intelligent, friendly and bold girl, who is ambitious to be a popular leader. She has a knack for speaking extempore and won group leader elections. She is hyper sensitive and a very stressed girl.

Nowadays, her stress level has increased so much that she hates to go to school, and even the sight of her school uniform and books upsets her. Her main problem is studying for tests & exams. Since she has come to a higher class, the frequency of tests has increased and because of the high stress, she finds it very difficult to sit down and work hard. She is a fast learner but the stress is causing a lot of problems. I constantly counsel her. We have never put any kind of pressure on her academic performance.

I would very much appreciate and would be grateful if you could advise us as to how we can help our child reduce her stress so that she will carry on with her activities without difficulty. Kindly help.

Concerned mother

Dear mother,

I can understand your concern, because being able to face stressful situations is a very important life skill for all of us. The difference between those who are successful in life and those who are not, very often is dependent on how people handle the various stresses that they are bound to experience in life. I think it would be very helpful for you to take your child to a counsellor who will be able to work with her through this process.

Stressful situations are most often the result of our irrational beliefs like, “I have to succeed at everything I do otherwise I am worthless”, “Everyone has to think I am a great person or has to like me”, or “My worth depends on how many people like me”, and so on. A counsellor will be able to uncover your child’s beliefs that are holding her back, and help her replace them with more rational beliefs that will allow her to deal with her stresses more easily.

After all, your happiness and your ability to deal with stress depends on what you think you are worth. And the foundations of that get laid in childhood.

Dear Madam,

I just wanted your suggestions to go ahead with my life and career. I could not pass 2nd PUC even after two attempts. After the second attempt, I started working. Since three years I am an office executive. Because I don’t have education I’m not at all valued anywhere. I really want to do something in life because I have my family who is depending on me. I don’t mind working under you also if I can grow. I’m not interested in studies. Also please give me some suggestions wherein I can come up in life.

Smitha

Dear Smitha,

Unfortunately, I am not hiring people to work under me. However, remember that the value the world ascribes to you is merely a reflection of the value you ascribe to yourself. You may not have formal education, but you may have other strengths which can help you. You need to identify your strengths and that will make you feel empowered.

The strengths are not only things that you do, or have achieved, but are also a function of the person that you are. Remember, Dhirubhai Ambani hardly had a formal degree as a foundation for his success.

And there are many other such names that one can come across. Success in life depends not only on your educational degree, but on many other life skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to lead a group, or be an effective member of a group, your risk-taking and creativity, your entrepreneurship, your sincerity, your drive, and so many other things.

Follow your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 4, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and would like to join MBBS next year. Like every child, I have had different ambitions at different times of my life. I developed a passion for cooking at the age of 13 but did not pursue it since it seemed an "unpredictable" career to my parents. Pushing that aside, I started to write novels, stories, features, etc. At the age of 15, I had published my own story book. Again, my parents branded that as another "unpredictable" career. At that point, I was aware that they wanted me to become a doctor which I had NO interest in. But eventually, I understood what their point was. They want me to be established in a profession that has some sort of stability. Once I am settled, I can pursue my ambitions. Truthfully, that seems like the right choice to make, but I am scared that I will never get to follow my dreams. What if life steers me another way? Will I lose my passion to be a writer if I do not do something about it now? I am an indecisive person, and I do not want that to get in the way of my future. Yes, I have chosen to study medicine but I do not know if that is the right decision for me. Right now, however, it seems like I have no other choice.
Shimona Lakshman

Dear Shimona

It’s great that you have such varied interests and that you have been able to take them to the next level. Remember, there are no right and wrong answers to your dilemmas. Whatever works for you is the right answer, because this is about your life and future. And whatever choice you make, you must believe that you have the ability to make it work for you. So make your choices with mindfulness, not out of compulsion and as a last resort. There is no right age to pursue one’s passions and dreams. You can do it at whatever stage is convenient for you. Some people do it early on, and some people do it later. And luckily for you, your passions are such that they can be pursued even alongside your chosen career. Haven’t you heard of a doctor who has published a novel, or written a book? Haven’t you heard of a doctor who’s cooking is to die for?
So make your choice, knowing that it is your choice, and believing that it will be right for you.

Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student with PCMC combination. I have failed in mathematics and have become hopeless since then. I have been put into science stream by force. My strengths in this field of study is Computer Science and English. And, my greatest weakness is mathematics. I would like to know whether supplementary exams are conducted this year or not. If it is conducted when should I apply and what are exact dates for the exam timetable. Also I would like you to tell me as to how should I prepare for the exams as this is the first time I have failed so miserably in exams. Will I be accepted in courses like BBM and BCom as I have not passed through annuals. I really do not want to enter the field of science anymore. Please guide me as to how should I mentally prepare myself for this exam and get the best out of this. What alternatives do I have if there is no supplementary exams?
A student

Dear Student
I am not in a position to answer any of your questions with respect to supplementary exams and the criteria for admission to any course, or the technique of study you should adopt. This information should be easily available from your college and your peers. All I would like to say is that failure in one exam is no reason to lose hope. It does not mean that you are a failure, nor does it mean that you will fail in that exam all the time. All of us are bound to face failure at some points in our life, and the sooner we learn to face it, learn from it and overcome it, the better it is for us.

I understand that you don’t have an interest in maths, but that does not mean you don’t have the capability to clear the exam. Remember, our mind has the capacity to grow and learn anything that we set our heart on. Intelligence is not fixed. It can grow based on the effort we put in, and the mind set we work with. If you put in an honest effort in maths, you will be able to overcome your mental block and learn, maybe even enjoy, the subject. Nothing is impossible.

Keep in mind the famous quote by John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.”

Dear Madam,
I have completed my class IX but with bad results. I just scored 88% and my parents expected more than 95%. In spite of good revision my score was low.  I learnt most of the syllabus very well. I had spent almost 4 hrs to learn each chapter during my preparation. But on the day before my exams I found that I had forgotten most of it and I had to spend 4hrs again to learn them well. But on the day of my exam I had forgotten many things again. This time, I was not able to finish revising all chapters before the day of my exam and more over, I could not remember much out of what I had studied. Most of my friends and my twin sister have good memory power unlike me. They don't consume 4hrs or more to finish each chapter. I don't understand why this is happening with me. Among all the subjects, Chemistry and Physics were horrible. I don't know how I'll face the ICSE this academic year and its vast portions. This year, all my score were below 90%. Please help me out so that I can do well in my board exams.
Vaibhavi

Dear Vaibhavi

My sense is that you are feeling too stressed and anxious about your marks and your performance, and that is affecting your concentration and memory. When you said you got bad results in your opening line, I expected your percentage to be much lower than the 88 you had mentioned. Please remember that your parents may have whatever expectations they have, and your twin sister may be getting much higher marks with spending less time, but you are a unique and valuable person with a unique and, maybe, different set of strengths and weaknesses. You need to recognize your strengths and achieve your own potential. This is not about living upto someone else’s expectations; it is about living up to your own expectations from yourself and achieving your own potential. For that you need to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and you need to understand that just because you may not get as many marks as your sister, you are not inferior to her. Marks are not the only benchmark for success, or worth, in life. Unfortunately, all to often, many of us believe they are. While marks may be important to open some doors for you in life, marks alone cannot guarantee success for anyone. So don’t let the fear of marks drive you around the bend. Don’t give them more power and control over you than they deserve. Just persevere, put in your best effort, learn well, and find your own motivation. Let that be your driver. And, remember to relax along the way.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am an avid reader of this column and adore the manner in which you handle every dilemma. I am in a confused situation too. I am currently in my eighth semester engineering with an aggregate of 75%. With no placements in the near future through the campus, I am looking forward to higher studies. Meanwhile, I have discovered a passion for the mike and stage through the various debate competitions I won and by being MOC in a chain of events at college. I feel that I should follow my passion and take up journalism as my career. My fluency in writing and an excellent command over the language has given me immense confidence. My parents are not supportive as they feel that journalism involve a lot threats. Shifting streams at the postgraduate level may sound bizarre, but I am ready for the challenge. Can you advice me on this aspect and suggest an excellent university in India and favorably in Karnataka where I can pursue my passion, if it is possible?
A Reader

Dear Reader
I am glad you find this column useful. It is always encouraging to get feedback, and if it is positive then that is even better! You are right in saying that you should explore your passion and do what you enjoy. You may want to understand what the alternative career entails by talking to people in that profession. Also understand your parents’ fears and apprehensions about it. Ultimately your parents will want you to do something that will make you happy. If you are able to communicate that to them, they will be satisfied.You could look at using your engineering education to add value to the branch of journalism that you are wanting to pursue. In any case, no education goes waste, even if you are not actively pursuing that field. Learning anything can only be helpful.Before taking the plunge map your strengths and weaknesses onto your career options, and see which one gives you more of an advantage. List out the plusses and minuses of both choices and see which one weighs in stronger. Ultimately do what will make you feel happier and more satisfied, but do it for the right reasons.

Don't live up to others' expectations - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 13, 2013]

Dear Madam
I am studying BE Telecommunication in VTU. To be frank with you, now I am 27 yrs old. I took admission in 2005 and I was to complete the course in 2009. But due to my negligence and laziness, it is only now in August 2013 that I have got admission into the final year. Since I am taking 8 years to complete my course, it will be very difficult for me to get a job in any MNC. So now, as I have few months free till August for my final year admission, which course should I go for that will be useful for me in getting a job. Till now I have studied Programming Languages like C, and C++. Please suggest any career oriented courses of upto one year duration. Even if it is expensive, I will go for it. I am interested in software courses as I am interested in writing the logic for a program. I am the only son of my parents and they have huge expectations from me. I don’t have any plans for PG studies. I am already 27 now. So please provide me enough details of institutions, which would recruit me to good MNC.
Student.

Dear Student
I am not a career counsellor and so have no advice for you on which courses you should attend to brighten your chances of a job in an MNC. All I can suggest is that don’t make your life about living upto your parents’ expectations alone. What are your expectations from yourself? Don’t strive to achieve something only as a favour to your parents. The biggest beneficiary of your professional success is you, not your parents. They will merely be happy to see you grow in whichever area you choose. The actual joy and satisfaction of doing well is going to come to you, not your parents. So it is about time you decided that you needed to achieve something because you want to do something in life.

It is good that you have been able to recognize the reasons for your not clearing your exams in time and keeping up with your peers. Recognizing where the problem lies is half the battle won. If you know where the problem is, it is much easier to overcome it. Remember also, that success in the workplace is not merely a function of marks. It depends, to a large extent, on your soft skills as well - your ability to communicate, lead a team, be a team player, think creatively and out of the box, problem solve, etc. You may want to spend your next few months focussing on those areas.

Dear Madam,
I am a 9th grade CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I changed my Section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was a topper in my previous class. After changing the Section, I feel I can't cope because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section, and I feel inferior between them. I want to gain my confidence back. PLEASE HELP!
Student

Dear Student
It looks like you have been shifted into a section which has all the high performers from all classes. I am sure this was done to make the environment more challenging, and hence more meaningful, for all of you - to help you achieve your potential and better equip you to face the future competitive environment. You should not view this as a threat, or an inconvenience, but rather as an opportunity that you have been given because of your good academic performance.

It is not important to always be the topper amongst a group of children. The goal of education is not to top, but to learn, and to gain the tools to achieve your potential, now and in the future. Would you rather top amongst an average set of students, or be amongst the entire set of top performers, even if you are not at the top. Your goal must be to maximize your learning and put in your best effort. Your sense of self-worth must come from your self belief and confidence in your own abilities, not from the fact that your marks were the highest. Your sense of achievement and success must come from being as close to achieving your own potential, rather than from being the top amongst a mediocre bunch.

So be thankful for the opportunity that you have got. Change is always difficult because it involves stepping out of your comfort zone (in this case, that of knowing that you can easily top your class). But to grow and achieve our potential we must step out of our comfort zone, no matter how scary that process. So go ahead and plunge in.

Dear Ma'am,
I completed my 1st PUC Science(PCMB) with an average percentage. I have no intention of joining any tutorials as I believe that I am confident of reaching my goals with the coaching given in my college. Even in my 10th Std (State syllabus) I managed to secure very well without tutorials. But now, everyone I know have joint tutorials and I am literally the only person who is not as serious as others. I feel too depressed and insecure. In spite of this, I have no interest whatsoever to join tutorials because I know I can't balance both college and tutorials. I feel too anxious just thinking about 2nd PUC. Being insecure as I am now, I have lost hope of doing well. I experienced all of these before the start of 10th Std too, but I managed in the end. But, now I feel too low. Some of my college teachers have begun their own tutorials and I feel even the teachers suggest to join tutorials. There is no one to inspire and motivate me to prove that it is possible to succeed without tutorials and this fact has pushed me to the edge. I am willing to put my best efforts and work hard with dedication. Is that enough? Everyone has this theory in mind that only students who go to tutorials can do well in 2nd PUC. Is that true? Can I perform well without going to tutorials?
Arpitha

Dear Arpitha
If you are confident about your ability to work hard and put in your best effort, then you do not need to do something because everyone else is doing it. Most people go to tutorials because that forces them to put in the extra work required, which they are not confident and disciplined enough to do on their own.

Ultimately success in the exams will depend on effort, diligence, and dedication, whether it is in the tutorial classroom or at home. What the tutorials may do is make you more familiar with the style of questions that may come in the examination, but you can get that from past question papers as well. The tutorials are just an extra tool that students use, to make sure they haven’t missed on any help they can get. Tutorials cannot guarantee success without the student’s own dedication and effort.

I am happy to hear you say that you are confident of reaching your goals on your own. Ultimately, that is the confidence that will drive you to success, not tutorial classes. So don’t lose heart. It is always difficult to do something that is different from the crowd, but go with what your heart says.

 You say you are not as serious as others, yet on the other hand you say that you have the confidence to do it on your own. These are contradictory statements. Obviously you are serious and have confidence in your own ability. Seriousness is not measure by how many classes you attend.

Don’t let your fear and insecurity incapacitate you. Every one needs to find the means to the end that works for them. Just because tutorial classes work for others, does not necessarily mean they will work for you.

Others may not have the same confidence that you have. Don’t let others’ fear and insecurities convert your strength into a weakness.

All the best

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