Life is a marathon; keep running - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 25, 2014]
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Dear Madam
My son is in the 8th standard. He is intelligent, smart and loving. However, he is a little stubborn and unwilling to accept failure in anything, including games. If reprimanded, he shows his unhappiness through anger, back answering etc. He does not have any inclination to systematic studies and is not keen to work seriously on anything. He almost always depends on what he has heard in the first instance in class, his intelligence and general information to deal with his subjects. He prefers to glance through his books. He likes music, books, general knowledge, sports and technology. I am not comfortable about pushing him in anything, including studies, but I do not want him to be irresponsible. We sent him to an alternative school but it did not work out. Is there anything that he can take up according to his inclination — something in art, drama, music — and come back to formal studies as and when he feels like it? If he finds a career that supports him for a reasonable living, we will be more than happy.
A Parent

Dear Parent

I do not have any input on types of schools and options for alternative careers and courses. I do have a question for you though, and that is around your hesitation to guide him, steer him and may be even push him a little bit. I get the sense that you feel there is something wrong in doing that. I believe that children need to know that there is someone in control who will let them fly on auto-pilot, but is there for a course correction as soon as it is needed. Children need to know that someone is in control to hold them if things don’t go right; that someone is there to show them the path if they need it; that someone is there to tell them when they are doing wrong. Otherwise how do they learn to differentiate right from wrong; good from bad? It is all very well to let them discover their path, but with the knowledge that should they stray too far away, someone will bring them back, rather than let them get lost in the jungle. So why are you afraid of holding the parental reins, and maybe tugging at them when needed? This is something for you to think about. As for your son, I would need to hear from him in order to be able to help him find his motivation. All the best.
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Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student (PCMB). I am not able to concentrate on studies and I get distracted very easily. I sometimes get bored of studying and ask myself, ‘For what do we have to study — is it just for 3 meals a day?’ I cycle to my college, which is about 5 km from home, and also to tuitions. Even though I have nutritious food, cycling makes me very tired and therefore I need about 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Due to this, I am not able to study daily and the portions pile up. I get worried when a friend says that he gets up at 3 am and is able to study because I am not able to. During exams my hands and feet sweat a lot. I am basically a slow writer and cannot complete the paper within the specified time. My Maths lecturer says it is necessary to study at least 5 hours in 2nd PUC. What can I do to overcome the above problem?
Vinayak 

Dear Vinayak
You need to find your own motivation and reasons to study, as well as your own method of studying that works for you. Don’t worry about how much the others are studying and what your teachers are saying. You need to figure out for yourself how much you need to do. It is not about studying for 5-6 hours, or about getting up at 3 am. All of that is useless if you are not concentrating and focusing on what you need to do. One hour of focused work may actually be better than 6 hours of distracted time-pass. I have written a lot in this column on the issue of exam anxiety and I would urge you to read the article on “Demystifying Exam Anxiety” on my blog http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html.
You are raising some fundamental questions about why we need to study, and I think that if you are able to answer that question for yourself (because each one’s reasons for the need to study will be, and should be, different), you will find the motivation that will help you to focus and concentrate. The studying for the exams is only the path to a larger goal. It is not your goal. So discover your goal and getting onto the path will become easier and more enjoyable.
All the best.
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Dear Madam, 
I read your column regularly. I am a 2nd year PCMB student. I had become very lethargic and was out of track from studies till January. From February, I started working really hard as I had a lot of syllabus to complete. I had high expectations of myself. My first paper was Chemistry. I was quite well prepared for my exams. I do not have the tendency to forget answers during the exams. But this time, I forgot most of the answers and did not do my Chemistry paper well. I was very depressed. Due to this I became seriously ill and I could not do the other papers. My ambition is to do MBBS. Now I have wasted a year. I secured 92% in SSLC. I was the college topper in 1st PUC. Due to this incident my confidence level has gone down. My family members are very supportive and have asked me to wait patiently for a year and take up higher-level medical entrance exams like AIIMS. But I feel I wasted one year due to foolishness. Please help me
M S

Dear M S
Many of us make mistakes, and many of us fail at various things that we try to do. That is a reality. But whether we let that failure define us as a total failure, or we use that failure as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, is our choice. You need to be able to put things in perspective. Yes, you may have lost a year. But in the totality of life, one year is but a small percentage. And if that year has taught you lessons in life, if on nothing else but on how to deal with failure, and how to view failure, then it may even be a year well spent.
So don’t worry about failures in your path. They are mere obstacles on your running track. You may trip over them, but you need to get up and run again, because life is not a sprint, but a marathon. Life is not about winning the race, but about running it well and finishing it. And in this marathon run, the fact that you have a supportive family that is not putting you down for your poor performance is a blessing you must not lose sight off. Be thankful for what you have, and just focus on the long haul. A small obstacle along the path should be viewed as just that – a small obstacle, not a giant boulder.Good luck!

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 4, 2014]

Do not be afraid

Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of “jealousy” and study with a cool mind.Please help me.
 
A student

Dear student

I understand that you are a very diligent and sincere student and you believe in putting in your hard work to get the results. You don’t believe in cheating and using unfair means and that is a great value to uphold. Ultimately, you are the one who is gaining the learning in the process.

You cannot control what others do and believe. You can only control your own actions and beliefs, and live by your own values. Obviously the values of the others don’t sit well with you which is why you are not following that path.

Remember, you will feel happy only when you are true to yourself, and live by values that you hold dear. The benefit in the process is that you gain the learning which others don’t. In the short-term you may feel they are better off because they are getting the marks without much effort. But, remember that in the long-term (and that is what matters), you will be richer in knowledge and have a better work ethic, and that is what will hold you in good stead in life.

Life is not about getting better marks than the others, it is about doing your best, and being your best and exploiting your true potential. You are not the one who should be getting jealous of them, they are the ones who should be jealous of you because you will be the winner in life.Good luck!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam, 

I am a girl studying in class 9. I have a problem connected with my studies. The problem is not in scoring marks. I always score above 95%. The problem is I study only at the time of my exams. During leisure time I don’t feel like studying at all. Sometimes my mind is diverted to all kinds of nonsense things. I do it having the knowledge that it is not good. Later I realise that it is harming me and I stop doing that. Do I need to practise some kind of meditation to concentrate on my studies? Please help me through this.

PH 

Dear PH

You should feel blessed that you are able to score well with a little bit of effort. You should celebrate this instead of feeling guilty about it. Imagine what you will be able to achieve with some more effort.

Having said that, it is not essential that you need to study all the time. If you were meant to study in it, you would not call it “leisure” time. You don’t need to feel guilty. Yes, if you are doing something harmful to yourself, or others, you should make a course correction. Ask yourself what you are gaining by doing that ‘nonsense’ activity. What is the “harm” that it is causing you? What are you gaining by causing that “harm” to yourself? When you are able to weigh the pros and cons, you would be able to make a more informed and wiser choice.

Meditation is proven to be helpful and these days mindfulness meditation is gaining a lot of popularity. It can’t hurt you and can only be helpful, so go ahead and start practicing it, anyway.All the best.

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I am a student of Class 12. I am not able to answer questions in class. For some reason I am low on confidence. I hesitate to clear my doubts. I cannot communicate with my teachers. When my teachers ask me questions, I get nervous and tense. I need to overcome this fear. Please help.

A student

Dear Student

You are not alone in having this fear. Many students have this fear. You need to ask yourself what are you scared off? What is your worst fear? If you ask your teacher something, what is the worst thing that can happen? Once you are able to identify what the worst possible outcome is, you will realise for yourself that, that is something you can probably live with and that it need not be so scary.

For instance, if you were to say that if you were to ask your teacher something in class, to clarify your doubt, the worst thing that could happen is that the teacher (or fellow students) may think you are dumb. And they may start laughing at you. My question to you is that if they do think you are dumb, does that mean that you are really dumb, or does that make you dumb.

That is something you need to ask yourself. What would make you give so much importance to their opinion of you, that you hold yourself back on their account? If for some reason they did end up thinking you are dumb, that does not become the reality. The reality is whatever you believe about yourself.

The universe just starts reflecting that. This is a relatively easy fear to overcome, and I suggest you work with a counsellor to help you, if you are not able to do it yourself. Remember, you need to believe in yourself and your capabilities, and your opinion of yourself is ultimately the only thing that matters. Don’t let others define you – define yourself! All the best

Enjoy the work you do - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[This column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of August 12. 2014]
Dear Madam,
 
I finished my PUC in 2013 and secured 87%. Till I completed my 10th I was very sure that I wanted to take up science. When I joined PUC in science stream, I got totally confused whether I wanted to do MBBS or engineering. I lost interest in studies and was totally unaware of the consequences about my negligence. As a result, I didn't get a good rank in CET. My rank was around 5,000 and I was unable to get an MBBS seat. Then I had to be satisfied with the dental stream. But I wasn't happy. As I belonged from a middle class family I couldn't go for a management seat. I'm confused about what I want to do. I feel very low and am not able to focus on dentistry. I feel like I don't have a passion and that irritates me. I want to enjoy my field and feel happy to work in it, but till now I couldn't recognize what it is. After speaking to my father I feel I can be a good doctor. Now I feel guilty about my behaviour. Please help me. I cannot change my past but at least I can make a better future. Can you please tell me the scope of dentistry and can I be an oral cancer surgeon as I have an interest in being a cancer surgeon.
 
Ashwini

Dear Ashwini

I am not a career counsellor, nor am I an expert on various professions and their prospects. However, I am pleased to see that you want to enjoy the field you are in and want to do something you are passionate about. It is very important, since we spend so many of our waking hours at work, that we enjoy our work. And I am happy to see that you are trying to do something you enjoy, even if it means losing a year in the process. You are right, one year lost at this time, is not so critical, if it allows you to move to an area of interest. You say you feel guilty about it. I am not sure what behaviour are you guilty about? If you are guilty that you ‘wasted’ a year, I would say that you need to put that year into the perspective of your whole life. If that year allowed you to discover what you like, or at least conclude what you don’t like, it is well-spent, compared to a lifetime of misery and drudgery.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am doing a Diploma in Automobile Engineering in an aided institution and I’m interested in doing BE in it.  How do I prepare myself for it? And what aggregate should I maintain? I presently have an average of about 70 and no back logs. I completed the 2nd semester and am waiting for the results of the 1st year. Apart from it I have some sort of self-irritating things going on in my mind! I do go for a jog every day but no changes. I become an easy prey to that unwanted thinking. How do I get rid of it? I’m very optimistic about my career. Please help me.

Suhas N S

Dear Suhas

I am not the best person to answer your questions about what course you should do and what is the best route to get there. However, you say you have some sort of irritating thoughts that come to you which you want to get rid off. You are not alone in getting unwanted thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts every day. They come, and they go. Some linger on longer than others, depending on how much attention we pay to them. The moment we say that I don’t want that thought, the thought tends to become stronger, and stay longer, because of the attention you are giving it. As an exercise, if I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, you will realize that you will only think about a pink elephant. However, if I don’t say anything, you may never think of a pink elephant.So don’t get anxious about how to stop your unwanted thinking, because that anxiety is just what prevents that thought from going away. Don’t think of those thoughts as you’re enemies that you must stop, no matter what. Instead think of them as friends that can come and go as they please. You don’t need to give them permission to enter, or to leave! See if this works for you, otherwise seek the help of a counsellor who can work with you on dealing with your Automatic Negative Thoughts (also called ANTs).All the best.

Dear Madam

I am an above average student and I scored 86% in my 2nd PUC exams. Unfortunately I didn't get a decent rank in CET engineering. I didn't get my desired college and course. I waited till the last round of online counselling where we have to give our priority list of colleges and course. I finally got industrial engineering and management in a fairly good college owing to my category. I want to know:  1) the scope of the course 2) would it have been better for me to wait and write CET in the next year 3) there is a possibility that if I can score good marks in 1st year I can get my course changed, but the problem is I have lost hope as my elder brother and sister are studying MBBS and I think I have disappointed my family so I am not confident. 4) how can I bounce back to my good old attitude?

A student
Dear student

I don’t know anything about which course is good for you, and whether it would have been better for you to appear for the exam again. All I know is that, your brother and sister have to make their own life, doing what they like, and you have to make your own like, doing what you like. You do not choose a career for the happiness of your family (i.e. parents and siblings) but for your own personal happiness, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. As soon as you realize that this is something you do for yourself, and not for others you will stop feeling so pressured by it, and you will be able to live your life again. In the meantime, if this task is becoming too overwhelming, seek the help of a counsellor, either personally in a face-to-face session, or by calling the Parivarthan counselling helpline at 080-65333323 where a counsellor will help you with your challenges in a safe, confidential manner.

Explore new avenues - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 24, 2014]

Dear Madam,

I have completed my 6th semester B.A. exams, but couldn't clear my 5th semester paper. I had taken psychology, journalism and English as my optional subjects as I wanted to pursue my higher education in psychology without proper planning. Now that I have to wait a year to take up my further education due to my backlog I feel that I have lost completely. I do not know what to do in my future. Whether to look for a job or to wait and pursue my further education. I really need your help. I want to know few courses that I can do in this one year which would help me in future and also tell me what I can do in my further education. Does psychology really have good job prospects? I am a typical introvert and have very poor communication and socializing skills.

Pooja, Bangalore   

Dear Pooja

As you probably know, I am not a career counsellor and am in no position to give you advice on what course you should do and what has good job prospects. I would, however, flip the question around in your mind to “what course would you like to do?” You can make a success out of any field you choose, provided you have an interest and passion for it. You may have lost a year in your course, but look at that year in the perspective of your whole life. It is one year, not your whole life, so why would you allow yourself to say you have ‘lost completely’. And consider the infinite possibilities this one year may give you the time to explore for yourself – primary among which may be getting to know yourself better! Consider it as a chance you are getting to explore new avenues and study anything you want, and learn new skills. There are so many wonderful online courses that can open up a whole new world for you. Allow yourself to experience possibilities that you may not have had the chance to explore otherwise. In the context of your whole life, everything is just merely another experience, not a defining moment. All success and failure are transitory. Don’t get too attached to them.

There is no such thing ‘typical’ introvert. You are ‘unique’ and you are special and you have your strengths. Use this time to discover them.

Dear Madam

I have always dreamt of doing something on my own – doing something big. But I have no idea in which field. Now, hopefully in the next couple of years, I will get an idea by looking at the world in a different perspective. My other dream is to provide education to those who cannot afford it. God willing may be after working for about 25 – 30 years (or much less than that) I would like to open a school. I would like to know from you, what are the small but important steps to take as of now in order to achieve my dream.

S P

Dear SP

It is great to dream big and aim high. That shows you a path of where you need to go. However, remember to chart out your path with milestones along the way, so that you know that you are headed in the right direction. Just like you cannot reach an unknown place without a map (and landmarks along the way to show you that you are on the right path), you need to break up your dreams, into smaller, more achievable, milestones that show you your progress, and also keep you on track.You cannot just wake up one day and say today I will fulfill my dream. You will have to secure many ends along the way to get there – financial, professional, emotional, social, physical and so on. For instance, if you know you want to open a school for the under-privileged now, and you are not yet married, you must ensure you get married to someone who shares that dream and can support you and be a part of that journey! Similarly, you must also start planning for it now, financially. Hope this helps

Dear Madam 

I am doing my 4th semester Engineering (Medical electronics). As I had done my diploma earlier, I got a seat in BE directly in the second year. I am an above average student but found it difficult to cope with my subjects. Also, due to ill health during the exams, I did not fare well and had five backlogs. I lost a year. I am very depressed and I cannot come out of this depression. When I think about it, I feel scared and cannot stop my tears. I have never had backlogs before and have always performed well. I have cleared the backlogs but feel low about going back to college. I cannot concentrate as before. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again. 

Worried Student 

Dear Student

I understand that you are feeling depressed because you have several backlogs, and you are not used to having them. This is new for you and is probably causing you to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and feel like a failure. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. So you may have failed at an exam, but that does not mean you are a failure as a person. I have written extensively on this issue in this column and don’t want to sound too repetitive. I urge you to read some of my earlier writings on my blog. You may have lost a year, but what is a year in the perspective of your whole life? You may have lost a year. You do not have to interpret it to mean that you have lost your whole life. How you interpret the fact that you lost a year is entirely your choice and within your control. www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Try and understand what you are most scared about. What is your worst fear? Once you have identified it and named it, you will find it much easier to face. Sometimes you may need help with this and I suggest you get the help of a counsellor. You can also try reaching out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline which will give you free access to a counsellor to get you started on your journey to recovery. The number of the helpline is 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,

I am in my final year of BA. Like many students, I am in utter confusion about my career. I am a BE dropout, took up BA just to complete my degree. I feel that I don’t know myself, my interests and skills and am unable to decide my future and this is creating a lot of frustration in me. My teachers have always told me that I am a bright boy but I am starting to doubt myself. Please help me.

JJ

Dear JJ

 I think you would benefit from seeing a career counsellor who can help you gain clarity on what career choices will be best for you, given your strengths and interests. I am not a career counsellor so will not be able to help you with that. However, it is critical that you do ‘know’ yourself. The more you know yourself, the more you will be able to understand what drives you, and where your pitfalls lie. You can then create an environment which allows you to build on your strengths, and work on your weaknesses if you would like to overcome them. Again, you will benefit from reading earlier versions of this column which are all available on my blog. Realizing that you are not the only one with this confusion, that there are many students at your juncture in life who are faced with similar dilemmas. You could also read http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html And if you are still feeling doubtful about yourself, please seek the help of a counsellor.

Get back into a positive path - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of July 3, 2014)



Dear Madam
I am in class 10 from June onwards. I am really pleased by your advice. I read a recent article in the paper about maintaining positive attitude. I tried several times. I was successful sometimes in controlling my mind, but not always. Please suggest me to get rid of this problem. 
A student

Dear student

Yes, it is great to maintain a positive attitude, and what is wonderful is that you are trying to do that. However, do remember, that we are all human, and it is not possible, or realistic, for us to expect that we be positive 100% of the time. So if there are times when you slip up, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. Just recognize that you are moving away from yours positive attitude and remind yourself to get back onto the positive path.

But how do we get onto the positive path? Primarily by learning how to re-interpret situations, events and people in our mind, from being disastrous and things you can’t stand, to just being minor hurdles and irritants along your journey of life. For example, if you don’t do so well in an exam, you can interpret to mean you are a failure, and your whole life is doomed, and everything is lost.

This is naturally a negative path that will cause distress. Or you can interpret the situation to mean that maybe you need to put in more effort in that subject, or get some additional help, or try and understand what went wrong so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again. This is naturally a more positive approach because it focusses on learnings and actions which may be irritants but are not defining in a negative way.

Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam
I am a 15 years old. I love art, graphics and other creative arts and I feel I can excel at it. But my parents are not too keen on it and force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. What should I do? Study or focus on arts?
Aspiring artist

Dear aspiring artist

Even if you love art and graphics, and want to focus on that, studying other subjects as well can’t hurt you because education never goes waste. If anything it will give you a wider perspective on life. So don’t use your interest in art as an escape from studying, and a justification not to study, but rather as one way that you have the privilege of being able to use to enrich your life. You are lucky in that art is something you can always pursue along with your other subjects.

 The other subjects are not only for you to clear exams, and get jobs, but also to give you a wider and more holistic view of the world, to understand and be able to deal with the world we live in in a better way.

Do you think you are a smarter person today because of your having the privilege of being able to study other subjects all these years, or do you believe that you would have the same choices in life that you have now, had you not studied all these years. Studying gives you choices and opens up doors. Why would you want to give up that option and close doors that have the potential for opening? You are too young to close the doors ahead of you.

And while you are thinking about this, try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they want you to study, and try and explain your passion, point of view, and plan because being able to communicate and negotiate is a key life skill.

Dear Madam
I have finished attempting a competitive exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again. I don’t have the courage to face my family. I am really scared as I have disappointed them. Please help. 
A student

Dear student
Let’s be honest. Is this about facing your family, or is this about facing yourself! Firstly remember, failure is only an event. It is never a person. And an event also finishes and life moves on. So yes, you may have failed at an exam. And you may have failed twice. But YOU are not a failure. YOU merely failed at an exam, and you can take stock and learn from that experience. What were the mistakes you made, what do you think you could have done differently, and other such questions. And once you learn from this experience you can take the exam again and ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes again. However, that is assuming this exam is something that you want to clear.

You could also ‘learn’ that this exam is not for you, and you would rather explore another avenue, and go down the path of defining, exploring and pursing the alternate path that you would rather go down.

Your goal in life should not be to satisfy other’s expectations and keep them happy, but to live to your own potential, satisfy yourself and keep yourself happy. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own happiness. Please take the help of a counsellor on this journey to discover meaning for yourself, if necessary. You can either see a counsellor face-to-face, or reach out for help to the Youth Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,
I completed my MCA last year. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.
A student

Dear student,
It is okay for you to realize, after studying something, that you don’t find it interesting and you would not like to spend your life working in that area. You must enjoy the field you are working in, for it to be meaningful, enjoyable and not stressful. So if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that.

However, and here is the caveat. What is it that you enjoy and would rather be doing? Be clear about what you want, not what you don’t want. And that is the harder thing to define. It is not so much about family pressure, as it is about you knowing for yourself. If you are clear about what you like and want, then by all means disregard family pressure and follow your passion. We often end up blaming family pressure for our choices, but the truth is that very often we use that as an easy escape path, because finding our own path and then taking responsibility for our success and failure in it, is quite a weighty burden. It is much harder to say that I made a choice and I didn’t like it, than it is to say that the family made the choice for me and I didn’t like it.

So, this is a time to be honest to yourself. Discover your strengths and weaknesses, and discover what you would rather do. And once you have these answers, but all means go for it, because it is after all your life – you need to define it. Just a word of caution, on this path you may need some help from a counsellor so don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

There are many paths to success - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 12, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am 18 years old and I want to pursue medical education. I passed my class 10 with 90%. Since I was interested in doing medicine, I opted for PCMB .But from the beginning of Class 11, I was not able to get the marks which I used to get in school upto the 10th. As a result I lost confidence in myself. I struggled hard to score. Istill didn't get good marks despite my hard work and I finished my 11th standard with a mere 60%. The same continued in the 12th as well. As a result of my low confidence I just scored 63%. I wanted to score above 90%.I have not done well in my medical entrance tests either. So, madam, please suggest something which helps me regain my confidence so that I can bounce back, because I have a great desire to achieve my goal.

Mallikarjun Virat

Dear Mallikarjun

Exams and marks have a way of putting stress on us like nothing else, because we start seeing them as benchmarks for how good we are. We have to learn to believe in ourselves, and our capabilities, no matter what marks we get. There are many paths to success and the moment we allow ourselves several options we start reducing the importance we attach to just one option. Also define what success in life means for you. You may be currently defining it as getting into a medical college, or pursuing a medical education. The moment you are able to redefine it to something larger as being a “good doctor” or “as serving people” you will find many more options. There can be many ways of being a good doctor, and getting into the top medical college is not the only path. That may be one path. However, if you are dedicated to your task, getting into other not so famous colleges can give equal opportunity. And then recognize, that medicine is not the only profession before you. You can be a success in life, even if you don’t pursue medicine. Is your interest in medicine stemming from a personal choice, or have you been made to believe that that is the only respectable path to follow?

Dear Madam,

I am a 2nd year PCMB student. Previously I was studying under the Karnataka state board syllabus. Since I am new to this NCERT syllabus I need your guidance. I have an aim to join the AFMC, Pune. For this purpose I need to take up its entrance exam. Every year around 1 lakh students aspire to take up this exam and there are only 130seats. This is an army institution. I wanted to join army, as my elders advised me to get into army with some basic graduation and I accepted to do so.  Since the past two years I am very keen to become a surgeon in the army. The most disappointing thing is there are only 25 seats for girls. The competition is very high. I am getting baked under my own pressure. I really don’t know how to come out of this pressure. I got 81.6 per cent in the first PUC. Can you please advise me how to train up to face this pressure created by myself? I am not able to meet my own expectations. Daily I am battling with myself. I can’t concentrate for more than an hour. But I want to study at least 14 hours a day. I very badly want to get into AFMC.  I love to serve my country. Please tell me some tips to improve my logical thinking. As I need to study both 2nd year and 1st year’s portions, howdo I manage time?  I know I have asked a lot of things but please help me I really need some expert advice. It’s my dream of getting into this institution, I really can't express my desire in words. I know that I only get what I deserve and not what I desire. But I want to become deserving. Please help.

Varsha Shankar 

Dear Varsha

You are deserving and what you desire is well within your reach. However, I think you need to aspire for the right goal. It is very honorable of you to want to serve your country. However, I don’t think you necessarily need to think that getting into AFMC is the one and only way to serve the country. There are many paths to an end goal. Our stress gets the better of us when we start thinking there is only one path to reach our goal and if that path gets blocked we are doomed. If your end goal is to serve your country, and as a surgeon in the army from AFMC is only one path to it. Also remember, if one door closes, and alternative door always opens up, provided we allow ourselves to recognize it. It is only when we are open to many options can we reduce the stress of going ahead with only one option.

You are right, if you are stressed you will not be able to focus. Stress builds up from anxiety, and your anxiety is about there being only one path to your goal, and not knowing what to do if that path closes. Redefine your goal and broaden it. That will allow you the possibility of seeing many options ahead of you. Some amount of stress is good because it motivates you to work hard. However, too much stress is counter-productive because it overloads your brain and prevents you from being able to concentrate and focus. Allow yourself to visualize other possibilities in your life and you may realize that there are many options you can work with.