Your definition of success and failure impacts your child's. Do you know your definition?

[ The following article originally appeared at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-definition-of-success-and-failure-impacts-your-child-do-you-know-your-definition/ ]

Everyone wants to be a success. No one wants to be afailure. And understandably so. Success and failure, however, are terms meant to define events, not people. You are either successful at doing something, or achieving some milestone, or you failed at doing something or did not achieve some milestone. That does not imply that you are a complete success or a complete failure. There are other aspects of you that you may not be so successful at, or that you may not be such a failure at. The most successfulperson (if there can be such a term) may have a large bank balance, but may be a complete failure as a parent or a spouse. And a person who has been an absolute failure at business, may be an unbelievably good parent or an amazing friend.

So success and failure are terms used to describe how we did at a particular event in our life – not how we are in totality. But every so often we are unable to see the difference.

We often believe that we are a success, and our child must be a success. And the hint of failure in any small aspect of our life, or theirs, sends us into a tizzy. Or we believe that we have been a failure and therefore want to make sure that our children don’t end up as failures! If a child fails in an exam we call them failures; we project that they will remain failures for the rest of their lives. Whereas they may have just failed at an exam, and there may be several other aspects of life that they may have been successful at or successful in. We don’t allow ourselves to see or acknowledge that they may be great in sports, they may be wonderfully empathic human beings, they may be great artists and wonderful singers, they may be good orators or creative problem solvers, they may be honest and helpful, or that they may have wonderful people skills. We overlook all of this and brand them as a failure because they failed at an exam!

Similarly, if we lose our job, we brand ourselves as a failure, sometimes to the point of never being able to recover again. We interpret that failure at that particular job as a verdict on us, and our entire life, never allowing us to bounce back and think of ourselves in any other terms.

To accept our children in totality (and accept we must) with all their strengths and weaknesses, we need to understand success and failure as terms used to define events and not people. Which means that we need to look at ourselves also as people who have been successful in some aspects of our lives, and failures at others. We need to acknowledge and accept things that we failed at and we need to be comfortable talking about our failures. Can we accept our past failures, and take stock of what we learned from the experience? Are we comfortable with having failed in certain aspects and able to talk to our children about our failures? Can we make our failures, and how we dealt with them, an integral part of dinner-time conversations? Only then can we help our children accept failure as just another event in their lives – a learning opportunity that came their way – rather than something that fatally defines them in totality.

Some failure is inevitable – in our life, and in the life of our children. Equipping our children with life skills that will help use the failure to gain a deeper understanding of themselves, and gain new learnings from the situation, will be an invaluable gift that we can give them – far more valuable than the biggest bank balance that we may be slaving for. It will teach them the importance of resilience – of bouncing back in the face of adversity, and not letting adversity define them. And the sooner they learn this life lesson, the better off they will be.

But, children learn from what they see and experience, not from what we say or scream about. So that means they will learn life lessons around success and failure from how we, as parents, experience and deal with success and failure ourselves. They need to see us model behavior that takes failure in its stride. They need to see us learn from our failures. They need to see us fall down and then bounce back again – sometimes to newer heights, and sometimes to fall down again. They also need to see us succeed at some things, and take success in its stride. They need to see us experience joy in our successes.

In short, they need to see us experience failure and success, but most of all they need to see success and failure as temporary events in our life, not permanent life-defining states of being. In the words of John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.”

Courage in the face of adversity, and humility in the face of prosperity, is what we need to model as parents. Only then will our children experience it from us, and only then will they learn to live it. And then, and only then, will we have helped them grow into resilient adults, ready to face all the challenges and joys, successes and failures, that life will throw in their path.

Never underestimate the power of our influence – negative and positive – on the lives of our children. Let’s strive to maximize the positive and minimize the negative.

Gain Control of Situations - Ask your cousellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 29, 2015]

Dear Madam,

I don’t know who to turn to help. My parents moved to a new town during this academic year and have started new jobs. I think they have enough problems without me adding to them. I started at my new school this academic year. I have made no friends. Two boys keep calling me names and the others laugh every time they do it. They always shout at me when the teacher isn’t around. It happens in the classroom, playground and when I am walking to and from school. Please help me. I can’t take it anymore.

A distressed boy

Dear distressed boy

Please don’t think that you need to protect your parents from your worries because they have too much to handle. I am sure wanting you to settle down well will be their primary objective and if you don’t tell them about what is bothering you they will never know. They are adults and know how to take care of their needs. You do not have to think that what you tell them is an added burden on them.

Having said that, you need to believe in yourself and your worth. The other children in school will pick on someone they think will not stand up to them. You need to prove them wrong. You are worthy and capable no matter what anyone may say, and they need to know that. Just because they call you names and laugh at you does not mean that they have a right to do that, or that you deserve that. You should speak up and let the teacher know. And also let them know that you can stand up for yourself. If someone thinks you are not good enough, it does not mean that you become that. You have to believe that you are good enough and capable and worthy and that no one has the right to undermine your confidence. You may reach out to the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 if you want to talk to someone about it. Please also read my article on this topic at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html .

Good luck

Dear Madam, 

I am 15 years old and in the ninth standard. My classmates make me sick. They treat me badly and that scares me. Every morning when I go to my classroom they wait for me by the only entrance. I can’t go to my teachers or my parents because they don’t believe me. How do I come out of this situation?

JM

Dear JM

What scares you? What is your worst fear? What are worried about that your classmates can do to you? You must try to articulate and define what you are scared about and when you do that most of the time you will realize that the fear may be an irrational fear. Once you realize that, it may not be that scary anymore. The reason your classmates have this power over you is because you of the fear which makes you feel vulnerable and out of control. Please remember that you are in control over what happens to you. If you think differently about things and situations, you can regain control and not feel so helpless. Please see a counsellor to help you with this, if you have one in your school. You could also call the helpline that I have talked about above. I would also ask you to read this article on my blog which will help you understand the situation you are in a little differently and believe in the power within you. http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html

Good luck

Dear Madam,

A classmate I have known for many years blackmails me into spending more time on her than I want to. She gets upset if I don’t reply to her long e-mails. I don’t know how to extricate myself from this ‘friendship’ because I am fed up with her negative self-pity,

LR

Dear LR

You are feeling helpless because you have given up your control. You must regain your control in this situation which will not make you feel helpless in this situation. A person may expect whatever they do, but it is in your control how much you fulfil those expectations. You do not have to fulfil everyone’s expectations all of the time. This may get some people upset with you sometimes and that is okay. Everyone does not have to like you and be happy with you all the time. The same way you do not like some people all the time, and all people some of the time, it is okay for others not to like you as well. So if your friend is not okay with you spending the amount of time you feel appropriate she may be upset but if she values you she will understand. If she does not understand then that relationship may not be all that you think it is. In a friendship or any other relationship it is important for both people to be able to define and establish their boundaries as they find comfortable. So go ahead and take back the control and define your boundaries.

Good luck!

Are you weighing your child down with the burden of your expectations?

[ The following article was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-you-weighing-your-child-down-with-the-burden-of-your-expectations/]

I recently had a client who was in the process of leaving her marriage. I expected her to be distraught about the implications of that decision, and what it would mean for her, going forward. Instead what I found was someone distraught by the implications of that decision on her parents. They had had expectations of her, which she had not lived up to, in the past, as well. And now this! She was concerned about how they would face society. After all, she had let them down. Would they ever be able to recover from this? And would she ever be able to recover from having let them down? Those were her major concerns.

I have met several parents who have a clearly mapped out a future path for their children — every milestone is documented, or at least etched in their minds. Their children should simply abide, and follow that path, and they will benefit from a happy and successful future life. That is what they need to do. That is the only way.

However, children are here in the world to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for self-identity, and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly. According to Brian Tracy, an American TV host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.” 

As aware parents, we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring us glory. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path and sculpt their own life. And as they cross the milestones of that process, we are allowed to feel proud of them.

So if we have pre-defined expectations of what our child should do, and who our child should become, it is imperative that we open up the windows of our mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for our children, like my client who is still worrying about having let her parents down.

There has been a controversy raging in the press in the past about the Chinese style of parenting v the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented and disciplinarian. It is loaded with the highest expectations of their children, in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend sleepovers, have play dates, be in school plays, complain about not being in school plays, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin; or not play the piano or violin. The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings and self-esteem. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers. And that, largely, holds true for the Indian system as well.

A quick Google search in the Classical Composers Database throws up just 20 Chinese composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing? While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, abilities to learn on the job, solve problems, be team leaders, and be team players (in formal and informal, team structures), to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of this gets tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.  

So if we expect our children to get a hundred per cent, and they live up to our expectation, they may fulfil our expectations, but still not be a success in life, and in the workplace. Do we want them to succeed in exams, or do we want them to succeed in life? It is a decision we need to make as parents, because the paths to both may be completely different. Unfortunately, many parents assume that success in exams automatically implies success in life. Success in exams only opens a few doors. Success in life, on the other hand, is a totally different ball game, often having nothing to do with success in exams.

Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations? No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone, try out new things and take on new challenges.

All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks, performance and abiding by rigid social norms above all else. 

Our expectations should be around having our children put in their best effort, in whatever area they choose; about them learning to the best of their ability; about them living by values that we model to help our children believe in them; about our children pushing the boundaries and limits of their capabilities to ensure they achieve their potential; about them being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; and, about having their own dreams and aspirations, as different from ours.

So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief that who they really are is valuable and important! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of rejection or non-acceptance. 

And, what can we expect in return as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”

Work on your communication - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on October 1, 2015]

Dear Madam
I have found that there is a large difference in my classmates’ levels of confidence, meaning a few students dominate group work to the detriment of others. While I have belief in my own judgment, I do not seem to be able to convince others to listen and take my perspective as seriously. What can I do to get myself heard? Should I tackle the loudmouths?
A student

Dear student
I am not sure what you mean by ‘tackle the loudmouths’? It is always better to try and bring about changes which are within us and over which we have control, rather than attempt at trying to change and control things that are outside of you and over which it is inherently impossible to have any control. So rather than planning to ‘tackle’ the external elements, it would be good for you to identify what changes you can bring about within yourself to generate the changes you want in your environment.

There are two fronts that you can work on. Firstly, you can work on communicating to the group what their behaviours are making you feel. Sometimes people behave in certain ways without realising the impact their behaviours are having on others. So don’t say something that is accusatory and challenging what they do. Try using an “I feel…” statement which says “when you do this, I feel…”

This way, you are not questioning and challenging them (which would no doubt make them defensive) but you are just stating what you feel and that becomes an issue about you, not them. There is nothing right and wrong about your feelings. Feelings just are and it is important to articulate them sometimes.

Secondly, you can work on how you can make the communication of your points more assertive. Can you modify your communication technique in any way? Can you gain the confidence and strength to take charge of the discussion? Can you communicate your points clearly? Can you take on a leadership role in a project?

The next time you have to work in a group, can you be the first one to take charge of the leadership position. It is important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are as good as the others in the group. That gives you the confidence you need to behave in a more assertive manner and get your points heard. You may benefit from reading the following articles which were published in this newspaper earlier.
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Madam
I am 15-years-old. Recently, I went to see my friend, a classmate, and we met up with some others. I updated my mother constantly to let her know where I was, but when I got home (five minutes late) she was angry with me. What can I do to make her trust me? My dad was fine about it.
BCDear BC
It would help for you to ‘communicate’ with your mother and try to understand her feelings and concerns that caused the anger. People don’t just get angry. They get angry because of something else that they are feeling and to understand someone’s anger, it is important to understand those unexpressed feelings. So have a conversation with your mother about what she felt when you got late. It is important to be able to have a rational, calm, cool-headed conversation if you want to make some progress here. It will be futile for you to get defensive and aggressive.

The objective of the conversation must be for you to understand your mom’s anger, and for you to communicate your own feelings when you felt you did no wrong. The key is to focus on each other’s feelings, not on the behaviours.

Hope this helps in strengthening the relationship you have with your mom. It will be wise to remember, though, that trust once broken is hard to re-establish and takes a lot of time. So you are better off not betraying your mom’s trust in the long run — to the extent that you can.
All the best.

Dear Madam
My studies are affected because a classmate is constantly absent and borrows my notebooks. I’m the one who gets it in the neck from the lecturer, when I am sometimes unable to submit my work in time. How do I shake off this classmate, without making a big fuss about it and without annoying her?
VR

Dear VR
It is important for you to try and understand why you are not able to say ‘no’ to her and why you are so worried about annoying her. It is okay for you to be assertive (not aggressive) about what works for you, and what does not. It is not important for everyone in the class to like you. Just like you may not like everyone in the class equally, it is okay for some in the class to not like you as much as others. Often we believe that everyone must like us, and if we say “no” to something they may stop liking us and that will be a terrible situation. So try and understand why you are not able to either say “no” to give her the notebooks, or being firm about your expectations with respect to her bringing your notebooks back in time. It is not possible to please all the people all the time, and it is not necessary. So understand yourself to help you resolve this dilemma. What is the worst thing that could happen if she did get annoyed with you?

Is your child's adolescence challenging you?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website whiteswanfoundation.org ]

My daughter is seventeen, and doesn’t stop reminding me that she will be eighteen in less than six months. What! Is that true! Am I almost done with navigating the minefield of adolescence? Well, I am at the last mile before she becomes an adult. I guess it is a good time to reflect on adolescence, and why some parents find it so challenging – almost to the point of dreading it! 

Adolescence is not a “bad” phase that you need to grin and bear. It is the phase that ultimately helps the child and the parent to grow, and if handled properly, emerge with a stronger relationship as adults. But to get to the other side of adolescence successfully, we need to understand this phase not only in terms of physiological and cognitive development, but also in terms of identify formation and a redefining of relationships with parents, peers and partners.

The physiological changes are obvious, and I am not going to spend my word count on them. Cognitive development is a little less understood. Adolescence marks the second wave of rapid brain development in a person’s life – the beginning of more complex thinking processes. Even though their amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions like fear, anger and pleasure) is not as developed as that of an adult, and their ability to recognize and read emotions is wanting, there is explosive growth happening in other parts of the brain.

Early adolescents are focused on personal decision making in school and home – they start questioning authority and social standards; they start forming and verbalizing their own thoughts and views on topics related to their life (what sport should I play, which peer group should I join, which parental rule should I insist be changed).

Middle adolescents expand their focus to include more philosophical and futuristic concerns – they question and analyze more; they begin to form their own code of ethics; think about different possibilities and begin to form their own identity; they think about possible future goals and start making longer term plans.

Late adolescents use their complex thinking processes to focus more on less self-centered, and more global, concepts like justice and politics; they develop idealistic views; they debate and discuss a great deal and show an intolerance to opposing views; they focus on making career decisions and thinking about their emerging role in adult society. They introspect, and are self-conscious, which may end up in a sort of egocentrism, or intense preoccupation with the self. They also start looking at problems from multiple dimensions. They don’t accept facts as absolute truths and therefore, also question parental values and authority. And this is where we parents start feeling challenged.

An adolescent’s search for identity when they start to ponder the big question, “Who am I?” is a big part of this phase  – achieving a coherent identity and avoiding identity confusion, their main aim. Parents would like to believe that they are the sole influencers in this process. However, this search for identity is also affected by their peers, their school, the neighborhood, the community, and the media. For the adolescent to complete this process successfully, they must go through two steps. The first involves questioning, and breaking away, from childhood beliefs that don’t resonate with them, and consequently coming up with a set of beliefs that do. And the second involves committing to the identity that they choose for themselves.

This is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself. It involves dramatic change and uncertainty, integrating one’s past experiences, current challenges and social demands and expectations into one coherent whole. Also the identity the adolescent chooses must be recognized, confirmed and accepted by others, for the teenager to feel comfortable, confident and worthy. Which is why this is the stage when they are intensely searching for role models, turn to peer groups and rebel against traditional authority.

A person’s identity development starts early on, with a child’s initial awareness that they are separate and unique individuals, as different from their parents. As they grow into teenagers, they reach a point when they want to be defined as anything but their parents. They may not even want to be seen with their parents, and anything the parent does or says is definitely embarrassing. This process of separation (and possible rejection) is hurtful for us parents, but we need to consistently remind ourselves that it is a natural process – between every teenager and parent; not only between our teenager and us.

As parents it is imperative that we support them in this process of their individuation if we want them to be fully-functioning adults who go on to achieve their potential. An identity crisis is one of the most important conflicts that adolescents face in their development. It leads to self-doubt, a demanding of space, a sometimes false sense of bravado, and often even a sense of invincibility, and all this sporadically peppered with rudeness, arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

The more we are aware of this being a natural process, the less we need to feel threatened by it and resist it, the easier it is for us to retain our sanity, and the more supportive we can be in their journey. So let’s accept that no matter what we do, we will be a source of embarrassment; that friends will be more important than us; that we need to be available (on call 24x7) yet invisible; that there will be an interest in the opposite sex; that they will always want to know what’s in it for them, and that they will reject every idea that we come up with.

If we can see this as the ‘new normal’- a period of ‘normal’ stress – understand it, accept it, and go with the flow, rather than take it as a challenge to our authority, we may be able to do them, and ourselves, a big service. As for myself, I can say I am glad I am almost done with it!

Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!