[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Jan 25, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old, third year engineering student. I want to become an entrepreneur (businessman) and then branch into psychology. How can I achieve this? I want to meet and attend talks by Vishweshwar Bhatt and other such successful entrepreneurs. I want to set up a business venture after I complete engineering. Please advise.
ABC
Dear ABC,
Let me try and simplify your thoughts in this question first. You have a dream of becoming an entrepreneur and setting up a business and may be pursue a second line of work at a later stage in life. You are looking for guidance on how you can achieve this and would like to find a mentor who can help you polish your skills and guide you to success. You seem to think that by attending seminars by successful people, or spending time with them, you will somehow imbibe the techniques which you can replicate.
Well, yes, getting a mentor to guide you can be helpful, especially if you are not in a situation where someone from your family or friends can play that role. However, there is no one formula of success that they all use, and many devise their own formulas as they go along.
So even if you do not currently have access to them, do not feel that there is no hope. I am sure you have access to teachers and others in your college who will be happy to play the role of mentors. Talking to them, expressing your desires and fears, will help you straighten out your thoughts and gain clarity on your path forward. Once you have clarity on your path, you will know how to proceed. Remember, however, to break up your ultimate goals into smaller achievable goals so that you can get a taste of success as you go along. Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a 25-year-old male. I have always studied in Kannada medium (school and college). I have a huge complex with regard to my communicative skills in English. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions in English. I cannot speak fluently and I make grammatical mistakes. I have dreams of living in a foreign country. Or maybe becoming an IAS officer one day. I lack the confidence to speak in English in public. Please help me. This has been a huge issue for me. I have even contemplated suicide and I have lost the will or confidence to succeed in life.
Student
Dear Student,
I understand that you have a dream of speaking fluent English and see that as a passport to success in life. That is something that is easily achievable because you want to do it, and you are willing to work hard for it. There are many English language classes you can attend. I don’t know which part of Karnataka you are based in and if you have access to such classes. But, I am sure if you are keen on it, you will find a way to get to the classes.
What I would really like to address in this question is why you are allowing this to cause you so much emotional distress. You say that you even attempted suicide because of your distress on this account. If ever you feel that way again, or even if you don’t but want to settle your emotions regarding this, I suggest you see a counsellor, or use one of the free counselling helplines where you will be able to discuss your concerns in a confidential manner.
If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, then you will be comfortable telling your friends that while English may not be your current strength area, you would like to focus on learning it and they should help you if they can. If you are aware of your other strengths (of which I am sure you have many), you will be able to take their input as a feedback and turn it to your advantage and ask them for help instead. If you believe that you are actually not very capable then you take their laughter as an attack on you and feel hurt about it.
Don’t pretend that you are good at the language. Instead try telling them that you would like to learn English better and they should help you if they can. If we are honest about our weaknesses and our desire to learn (which we can only do if we are confident about ourselves), then people find it admirable rather than amusing.
It becomes amusing when we pretend to be a master and our lack of skill comes through. And we often put on this facade of being an expert because we are afraid of saying that we don’t know something. So, tell yourself that you are an expert when you actually are. And, when you are not, have the courage to tell yourself that you may not be an expert yet, but you are still worth it, and you are still valuable.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10, ICSE student and I am really tense about my performance in the upcoming preparatory exams. Last time, due to stress, I only caught an hour of sleep before the day of the exam and I ended up forgetting what I had studied. My parents tell me not to get tense, but I always end up feeling stressed out, anxious and tense before I enter the examination hall. Please give tips on how to study before an exam and on how to remain calm before writing an exam.
Student
Dear Student,
You are not alone in feeling tense before an exam. Many students feel the same way, which is why I wrote an article some time back on the same topic. Please read it at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html. I think it will help you put things in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it seems like the most important thing in the world, and it appears like your whole life depends on it. When you give it this kind of importance, and allow it to be the most defining event of your life, you are naturally going to feel stressed and tense about the outcome.
Friday, 27 January 2012
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Have a Clear Mind - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, was published in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on January 12, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai
Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.
Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai
Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.
Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Have a Goal - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on December 29, 2011]
Dear Madam,
Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.
I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.
Sanjay S H
Dear Sanjay,
I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.
You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.
Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.
I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.
Disha
Dear Disha,
I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.
My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?
Sushmitha
Dear Sushmitha,
If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.
If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?
Chaithra
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.
Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.
I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.
Sanjay S H
Dear Sanjay,
I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.
You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.
Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.
I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.
Disha
Dear Disha,
I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.
My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?
Sushmitha
Dear Sushmitha,
If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.
If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?
Chaithra
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.
Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
De-clutter your mind before you study - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following post, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 15, 2011]
Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.
First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.
To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .
You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.
First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.
To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .
You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.
All the best.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
My musings as a School Counsellor
[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Christ University Department of Psychology magazine called Perspective 2011]
Having recently qualified as a counselor, I walked into my first assignment at a prestigious school in Bangalore several years ago, quite unsure of my role, and of the difference I could make. Would children in school really see the value of counseling? Would they ever come for counseling voluntarily? Wasn’t it more of an adult thing? Wasn’t it something that adults took children for, when they (the adults) thought necessary? Would it be possible to maintain confidentiality in an environment where the child was everyone’s business?
On my first day, just as I had finished settling in, a very worried teacher walked into my room. One of her student’s had been hurting herself with the school badge repeatedly. The teacher had no idea what she was meant to do, or what the child’s behavior meant. She used the only tool she had in her toolkit (i.e. scolding) and it hadn’t worked. She felt lost, confused, and a bit helpless, at being unable to ‘control’ this child’s “irrational” behavior.
Even though I was a bit overwhelmed at being landed with a relatively “serious” case on day one, I was clear that my response had to be three-pronged. I needed to work with the child, the parents, and the teacher – equipping each to address the challenges that situation threw up for them. After about 12 sessions with the student, a couple of sessions with the parents, and one (primarily educative) session with the teacher, the student settled back into the normal routine of school life without the angst and pain she was feeling earlier.
I have never since questioned the difference I can make in a school, even though I have to admit that I have not always been successful in reaching my goal – that of making a student who comes to me feel more emotionally comfortable and secure than when he or she first walked in.
There are some observations I have based on my experience working in a school setting. The first is that the counselor must make oneself visible – visible to the students, visible to the parents, and visible to the teachers.
Students must learn to view the counselor as someone easily accessible. Students must understand what kind of issues the counselor helps them with, and the students must be assured of confidentiality. They must come to believe that if they come to the counselor with a problem, the other teachers, or the principal, or their parents, and most importantly, their peers will not come to know about it. I did this by visiting every classroom in their free period, and talking to the students about various emotions, and how it is important to understand and express them. And, emphasized how I can help them with that. After every class, my diary used to be filled with appointments that the children scheduled. At the start of every academic year I give a questionnaire to every child asking them to list out the kind of problems they are facing. The objective is not so much to get the children to respond, and most of them don’t, but to make them aware of my presence and how and when they can find me.
Parents need to be made aware of the availability of the counselor, and must know that they have permission to reach out to the counselor directly, without any of the other school channels being involved. They too, must be assured of confidentiality. And, most importantly, their bias and stigma about their child coming to a counselor should be put to rest. They need to be educated on the role of the counselor and the importance of not dissuading their children from visiting the counselor. If a child has the courage to visit a counselor (which often, even some adults do not) the worst disservice a parent can do to the child is to communicate to him that they don’t approve of that action. Apart from a communication that I send out to parents at the beginning of the academic year, where I talk about the above issues, I also keep in regular touch with them by sending them links to articles (mine or someone else’s) which I feel would be interesting to them as parents. I conduct workshops for parents on various emotional issues. Apart from gaining insights on how they can be better parents, these workshops give them a forum to understand emotional aspects, connect with other parents on similar issues, and ‘connect' with the counselor without stigma.
Teachers must know that it is okay for them to come to the counselor to sort out some issues that they may be experiencing themselves, or, to get guidance on how to deal with an emotional situation in the classroom. Teachers also need to be sensitized to the emotional impact their words and actions may have on their students. Organizing workshops for teachers gives teachers an opportunity to discuss classroom situations in a safe, nonjudgmental way. This also allows them to recognize their own behaviors that may not be helpful in their role as teachers, role models, surrogate parents, mentors, and guides.
While the counselor must make oneself visible, he or she must not be viewed as one of the other teachers or staff members. There are many reasons for that. The counselor must be viewed as an expert who only deals with the emotional aspect of a child’s life in school. The counselor must be believed to be someone who will respect confidentiality and be nonjudgmental in their dealings. If the counselor is viewed as someone who is also just one of the other teachers in school, it would be hard for a student to believe that the counselor is not talking about them with other teachers, or is not biased about them based on their other interactions in school. I do this by staying a bit ‘aloof’ from the rest of the staff (I never have lunch in the staffroom, or go to the staffroom for a chit-chat), and not getting involved in other routine administrative school activities (which often get assigned to counselors unless they define the boundaries for themselves).
Maintaining a case record of every child who comes for counselling, and keeping track of it as the child progresses through school, is important. So if a child comes after a couple of years, I know when he or she came to me before, and what the issue was at that time. Often the issues are linked, if not the same. After every session, it is important to log a few lines of what happened in the session and any other observations you may have, so as to be able to see your own progress in your work with the child, and serve as an aid to your memory. Of critical importance, though, is ensuring that these case records are not accessible to other staff members, and do not enter the general school information system. I keep mine under lock and key (with the keys only available with me). I am not sure what I would do if I chose to leave the school – would I take the records with me, or hand them over to my successor? What I am certain about, though, is that I will not hand them over to the school management. I cannot emphasize enough how important maintaining confidentiality is.
Most of the students (I would say approximately 75%) who come for counseling come with issues stemming from low self esteem. Even though the presenting problem may be different, the root often lies in a poor self-image and lack of self-acceptance; the belief that “I am not good enough”. This is created to a large extent by messages given by parents and teachers (hopefully, unknowingly). The good news is that because children and adolescents, are still evolving their world-view and self-image, it is relatively easier to influence it and bring about a change, than it is in the case of adults. Sometimes, just a slight nudge in the right direction is all they need to start thinking differently. Sometimes, all they need is “permission” to challenge what the world (and elders), are saying about them.
I have consistently observed that the largest number of students come to me from the fourth grade. I don’t know if this will be validated by other school counselors, but I was truly surprised by this. Who would have thought that a fourth grader would even know that he or she is facing an issue? Who would have thought that a fourth grader would feel comfortable coming and talking to a complete stranger about it? If someone had told me this a few years ago, I certainly would not have believed it. However, now I think the reason for this is that that is the age when children start negotiating group dynamics. Before that they operate primarily as individual players. Around fourth grade is when they start forming groups; they get included or left out; they share secrets and get bullied; they start understanding the world and the people around them. All this can get confusing, and I am glad that many of them have the courage to seek help. Another factor here is also that fourth grade is probably too early for them to start worrying about the social stigma of going to a counselor. While teenagers and adolescents may actually need help, I think many of them feel inhibited. And my hope is that students who feel comfortable going to a counselor in grade 4 will continue to do so when they reach their tumultuous teenage years.
In conclusion, I’d like to add that while I am not equipped to handle all issues that present themselves to me, I am equipped to know what I can handle and what I cannot. And, those that I cannot handle I refer on, with the confidence that even my first understanding is of value to parents who are often fumbling in the dark, not knowing what is going on in their child’s world. Where would those children have gone to for help, had it not been for the ease and confidentiality, of just walking into a room right in school, whenever they can grab a free period? The comfort of knowing that in this harsh world that they are navigating, there is a safe place they can go to for someone to listen to them non-judgmentally and help them interpret their confusing circumstances, is invaluable. And to be able to do that without the logistical issues of parents having to take them somewhere, or pay for it, has its benefits.
Having recently qualified as a counselor, I walked into my first assignment at a prestigious school in Bangalore several years ago, quite unsure of my role, and of the difference I could make. Would children in school really see the value of counseling? Would they ever come for counseling voluntarily? Wasn’t it more of an adult thing? Wasn’t it something that adults took children for, when they (the adults) thought necessary? Would it be possible to maintain confidentiality in an environment where the child was everyone’s business?
On my first day, just as I had finished settling in, a very worried teacher walked into my room. One of her student’s had been hurting herself with the school badge repeatedly. The teacher had no idea what she was meant to do, or what the child’s behavior meant. She used the only tool she had in her toolkit (i.e. scolding) and it hadn’t worked. She felt lost, confused, and a bit helpless, at being unable to ‘control’ this child’s “irrational” behavior.
Even though I was a bit overwhelmed at being landed with a relatively “serious” case on day one, I was clear that my response had to be three-pronged. I needed to work with the child, the parents, and the teacher – equipping each to address the challenges that situation threw up for them. After about 12 sessions with the student, a couple of sessions with the parents, and one (primarily educative) session with the teacher, the student settled back into the normal routine of school life without the angst and pain she was feeling earlier.
I have never since questioned the difference I can make in a school, even though I have to admit that I have not always been successful in reaching my goal – that of making a student who comes to me feel more emotionally comfortable and secure than when he or she first walked in.
There are some observations I have based on my experience working in a school setting. The first is that the counselor must make oneself visible – visible to the students, visible to the parents, and visible to the teachers.
Students must learn to view the counselor as someone easily accessible. Students must understand what kind of issues the counselor helps them with, and the students must be assured of confidentiality. They must come to believe that if they come to the counselor with a problem, the other teachers, or the principal, or their parents, and most importantly, their peers will not come to know about it. I did this by visiting every classroom in their free period, and talking to the students about various emotions, and how it is important to understand and express them. And, emphasized how I can help them with that. After every class, my diary used to be filled with appointments that the children scheduled. At the start of every academic year I give a questionnaire to every child asking them to list out the kind of problems they are facing. The objective is not so much to get the children to respond, and most of them don’t, but to make them aware of my presence and how and when they can find me.
Parents need to be made aware of the availability of the counselor, and must know that they have permission to reach out to the counselor directly, without any of the other school channels being involved. They too, must be assured of confidentiality. And, most importantly, their bias and stigma about their child coming to a counselor should be put to rest. They need to be educated on the role of the counselor and the importance of not dissuading their children from visiting the counselor. If a child has the courage to visit a counselor (which often, even some adults do not) the worst disservice a parent can do to the child is to communicate to him that they don’t approve of that action. Apart from a communication that I send out to parents at the beginning of the academic year, where I talk about the above issues, I also keep in regular touch with them by sending them links to articles (mine or someone else’s) which I feel would be interesting to them as parents. I conduct workshops for parents on various emotional issues. Apart from gaining insights on how they can be better parents, these workshops give them a forum to understand emotional aspects, connect with other parents on similar issues, and ‘connect' with the counselor without stigma.
Teachers must know that it is okay for them to come to the counselor to sort out some issues that they may be experiencing themselves, or, to get guidance on how to deal with an emotional situation in the classroom. Teachers also need to be sensitized to the emotional impact their words and actions may have on their students. Organizing workshops for teachers gives teachers an opportunity to discuss classroom situations in a safe, nonjudgmental way. This also allows them to recognize their own behaviors that may not be helpful in their role as teachers, role models, surrogate parents, mentors, and guides.
While the counselor must make oneself visible, he or she must not be viewed as one of the other teachers or staff members. There are many reasons for that. The counselor must be viewed as an expert who only deals with the emotional aspect of a child’s life in school. The counselor must be believed to be someone who will respect confidentiality and be nonjudgmental in their dealings. If the counselor is viewed as someone who is also just one of the other teachers in school, it would be hard for a student to believe that the counselor is not talking about them with other teachers, or is not biased about them based on their other interactions in school. I do this by staying a bit ‘aloof’ from the rest of the staff (I never have lunch in the staffroom, or go to the staffroom for a chit-chat), and not getting involved in other routine administrative school activities (which often get assigned to counselors unless they define the boundaries for themselves).
Maintaining a case record of every child who comes for counselling, and keeping track of it as the child progresses through school, is important. So if a child comes after a couple of years, I know when he or she came to me before, and what the issue was at that time. Often the issues are linked, if not the same. After every session, it is important to log a few lines of what happened in the session and any other observations you may have, so as to be able to see your own progress in your work with the child, and serve as an aid to your memory. Of critical importance, though, is ensuring that these case records are not accessible to other staff members, and do not enter the general school information system. I keep mine under lock and key (with the keys only available with me). I am not sure what I would do if I chose to leave the school – would I take the records with me, or hand them over to my successor? What I am certain about, though, is that I will not hand them over to the school management. I cannot emphasize enough how important maintaining confidentiality is.
Most of the students (I would say approximately 75%) who come for counseling come with issues stemming from low self esteem. Even though the presenting problem may be different, the root often lies in a poor self-image and lack of self-acceptance; the belief that “I am not good enough”. This is created to a large extent by messages given by parents and teachers (hopefully, unknowingly). The good news is that because children and adolescents, are still evolving their world-view and self-image, it is relatively easier to influence it and bring about a change, than it is in the case of adults. Sometimes, just a slight nudge in the right direction is all they need to start thinking differently. Sometimes, all they need is “permission” to challenge what the world (and elders), are saying about them.
I have consistently observed that the largest number of students come to me from the fourth grade. I don’t know if this will be validated by other school counselors, but I was truly surprised by this. Who would have thought that a fourth grader would even know that he or she is facing an issue? Who would have thought that a fourth grader would feel comfortable coming and talking to a complete stranger about it? If someone had told me this a few years ago, I certainly would not have believed it. However, now I think the reason for this is that that is the age when children start negotiating group dynamics. Before that they operate primarily as individual players. Around fourth grade is when they start forming groups; they get included or left out; they share secrets and get bullied; they start understanding the world and the people around them. All this can get confusing, and I am glad that many of them have the courage to seek help. Another factor here is also that fourth grade is probably too early for them to start worrying about the social stigma of going to a counselor. While teenagers and adolescents may actually need help, I think many of them feel inhibited. And my hope is that students who feel comfortable going to a counselor in grade 4 will continue to do so when they reach their tumultuous teenage years.
In conclusion, I’d like to add that while I am not equipped to handle all issues that present themselves to me, I am equipped to know what I can handle and what I cannot. And, those that I cannot handle I refer on, with the confidence that even my first understanding is of value to parents who are often fumbling in the dark, not knowing what is going on in their child’s world. Where would those children have gone to for help, had it not been for the ease and confidentiality, of just walking into a room right in school, whenever they can grab a free period? The comfort of knowing that in this harsh world that they are navigating, there is a safe place they can go to for someone to listen to them non-judgmentally and help them interpret their confusing circumstances, is invaluable. And to be able to do that without the logistical issues of parents having to take them somewhere, or pay for it, has its benefits.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Put exams in perspective - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 1, 2011]
Dear Madam
I have completed a diploma in Mechanical Engineering. I wanted to study further but gave up the dream as my family cannot afford it. My younger brother, who has secured a seat in an MBBS programme, is being sponsored by a guardian. I do not wish to burden him with my plans. My parents are not keen on me working in a remote district either. Could you suggest a postgraduate course (evening college, preferably) that I could pursue?
Student
Dear Student,
I acknowledge your commitment to your family and guardian, and your need to stand on your own feet and not be a burden on them. It is selfless of you to give up post-graduation so that your brother could study medicine. I am not in a position to tell you what course you should join, or what are the options available to you now. For that you will have to consult a career counsellor. However, it is probably feasible for you now to work and study side-by-side. You could look at evening/weekend/ or even correspondence options. That way, you will not have to be a burden on anyone. If your guardians fear you working far from home, it is best that you discuss this with them and set them to rest.
Communication is the only solution. So let them put their fears on the table, and you address them one by one. If they feel that you are confident of being able to conduct yourself capably in the workplace, they will be at ease about letting you go.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 9 student. I am not able to perform well in my exams because I forget all the answers as I do not know how to prepare well. I feel that I am not able to concentrate and focus while studying. Please help.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
In order to get the most out of your study time, you must concentrate on what you are doing ‘in the moment’. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained to do. Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling, and not doing well. Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:
*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer. Once this is easy, count the words on a page.
*Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes. Once these tasks become easy, try doing it for ten minutes.
These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes every day and see if you experience a difference. Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on mugging it.
Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept.
If you are anxious or stressed about your marks, it will weigh you down, and you will not be able to concentrate while answering papers. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’. So try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, and not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on scores.
The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it may seem like your whole life depends on it. If you can look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them.
Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, your ability to think creatively, learn, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.
Dear Madam
I have completed a diploma in Mechanical Engineering. I wanted to study further but gave up the dream as my family cannot afford it. My younger brother, who has secured a seat in an MBBS programme, is being sponsored by a guardian. I do not wish to burden him with my plans. My parents are not keen on me working in a remote district either. Could you suggest a postgraduate course (evening college, preferably) that I could pursue?
Student
Dear Student,
I acknowledge your commitment to your family and guardian, and your need to stand on your own feet and not be a burden on them. It is selfless of you to give up post-graduation so that your brother could study medicine. I am not in a position to tell you what course you should join, or what are the options available to you now. For that you will have to consult a career counsellor. However, it is probably feasible for you now to work and study side-by-side. You could look at evening/weekend/ or even correspondence options. That way, you will not have to be a burden on anyone. If your guardians fear you working far from home, it is best that you discuss this with them and set them to rest.
Communication is the only solution. So let them put their fears on the table, and you address them one by one. If they feel that you are confident of being able to conduct yourself capably in the workplace, they will be at ease about letting you go.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 9 student. I am not able to perform well in my exams because I forget all the answers as I do not know how to prepare well. I feel that I am not able to concentrate and focus while studying. Please help.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
In order to get the most out of your study time, you must concentrate on what you are doing ‘in the moment’. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained to do. Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling, and not doing well. Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:
*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer. Once this is easy, count the words on a page.
*Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes. Once these tasks become easy, try doing it for ten minutes.
These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes every day and see if you experience a difference. Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on mugging it.
Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept.
If you are anxious or stressed about your marks, it will weigh you down, and you will not be able to concentrate while answering papers. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’. So try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, and not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on scores.
The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it may seem like your whole life depends on it. If you can look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them.
Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, your ability to think creatively, learn, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.
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