[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 18, 2011]
Dear Madam,
I am in the first year of BSc. I’ve had this large-scale project on my mind for quite sometime now. I even wanted to patent it. My parents and my aunt think that I am too young to think of patents and want me to concentrate on my priorities — studying and passing my degree. But I am passionate about this project and I want to make it a success by patenting it. I’m really confused. Does it have to be, that I can start thinking of major projects only once I get a PhD?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I commend you on your passion and enthusiasm, and, more importantly, your belief in yourself. No, you don’t have to start thinking of major projects only after you get a PhD. I think you should find yourself a mentor who believes in you and your ideas and who will help you do what you are trying to do. The best way to know if your idea has merit is to bounce it off people with relevant experience and get their feedback on it.
Your family may not be having experience in that area, and also, may not be having experience with risk taking. They may be used to playing safe bets, and may be viewing your idea as a risk. They may be wanting to protect you from failure.
Then, in their mind, you would have lost out time on your degree as well and not gained anything. My advice to you is that if you believe in your idea, then go with it. If you fail, it will just be a learning process and a stepping stone to your next big idea. You would still have learnt a lot in the process. And your most important learning may be to take failure in its stride.
Unless you try, you will never know, and most of the time, the difference between achieving success and failure, lies in the passion of the person driving the cause. Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I cannot concentrate on my studies. I am constantly distracted by voices in my head. My mind begins to wander and I find myself thinking about movies or chatting with friends. I am in Class 12 and I am worried about my performance. My parents and teachers have pinned a lot of hope on me. Please help.
X
Dear X,
There are several things that you have mentioned in your letter which could be contributing to the confusion and difficulty you are facing.
I suggest you get the help of a psychiatrist to see if these inner voices are just a temporary distracting phenomena, or are of a more permanent nature. In which case you will need to understand how to tame them.
You also talk about having an inferiority complex, being confused, and feeling pressured to live up to the hopes of your parents and teachers. You also feel a little helpless and don’t know how to manage the many conflicting emotions that you are facing. I have often written on this subject in this column and would urge you to read some of my articles on the subjects:
*See a lion in the mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html);
*It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html);
*How balanced are your see-saws (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html)
These address some of the issues that you have raised. I’d like you to think about your situation where you started believing that you are inferior, that your side of the seesaw is lower while the other side is higher. You must realise that everyone has some faults, and weakness, just like their strengths. Recognising and acknowledging our strengths, while accepting and working on our weaknesses, is the biggest service we can do to ourselves. And, living up to our own expectations, rather than those of others, should be our biggest motivator.
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Failures are mere bumps on the road - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 28, 2011]
Dear Madam,
In life we have to go through changes that will define who we are, give us that identity. I think a lot has to do with what I want to do in my life and I feel I have found it. I really want to change this world. Depending on the success we define for ourselves we carve out a path, a plan. For this we need to think a lot, plan a lot and then implement it. How do we know that what we are thinking is the right way? What if my thinking is flawed. What if it leads to a catastrophic failure? I know the way we tackle failures define us but sometimes results and being successful in certain areas are important. Can you also tell me how to tackle misfortunes that occur in our pursuit to be really successful? I don't have a trusted adult whom I can talk to.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Your desire to change this world is creditable. However, for any such large ambiguous goal, you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable, definable and achievable goals. How do you want to change the world? What all will you do towards that end? And, how will you know if you have achieved it?
The best way to test out your thinking is to bounce off your ideas with people who can provide you useful inputs. You may be able to find on-line sources of ideas in the field that you are talking about. You say you don’t have a trusted adult whom you can talk to. You can cultivate friendships based around your common interests and test out your ideas there.
How you deal with failures along the way, and there are bound to be some, is a function of how you define success for yourself. And I think you should gain clarity on how you will define success. Failures need to be treated, not as roadblocks, but as mere bumps on the road. You should just bounce off them and be on your path again. You need not necessarily have to change paths. And, the best way to get over your fear of failure is to also define and articulate what exactly you are scared of. What does the failure mean to you, and if you fail what are your worst fears about it. Remember, if you concretise what you are scared about, you may suddenly realise that the worst possible outcome that you are envisaging, may actually not be that scary. It may be something you could easily deal with and move on. One of my favourite quotes is “Failure is an event, not a person”. Keep that in mind and you will be able to move past any failures that come your way.
Dear Madam,
I have completed my BA 4th semester but I failed to perform well in the exams. Now I want to get more marks in the 5th and 6th semesters. Please help me concentrate on my studies.
Mallu S K
Dear Mallu,
It is good that you are now feeling motivated to perform better in your exams. It is very important to be able to bounce back after a failure, rather than feel defeated by it. Failure is an event, not a person. So while you may have failed at an exam, it is important to ensure that you do not start believing that you are a failure.
What is your motivation for getting more marks in the next semesters? Is it because you want to do well and you see it as a stepping stone towards a larger goal that you have in mind. Or, is it because your parents want you to get more marks and you want to either please them, or keep them quiet. If you are doing it for your parents, and see no ultimate purpose in it for yourself, then I’m afraid concentrating will be a challenge even this time around. If you are doing it for yourself, then your motivation for achieving your goals will drive your own efforts.
Whatever your motivation, you need to remember that these marks cannot be your end goal. It is important to always have the larger goal in mind, so that we don’t view failures along the way as ultimate failures, but only as small hurdles on the path to achieving the larger goal. Edison failed a thousand times before he finally invented the light bulb. However, when asked how he dealt with so much failure, he said he had not failed. It was just a thousand step process.
Dear Madam,
In life we have to go through changes that will define who we are, give us that identity. I think a lot has to do with what I want to do in my life and I feel I have found it. I really want to change this world. Depending on the success we define for ourselves we carve out a path, a plan. For this we need to think a lot, plan a lot and then implement it. How do we know that what we are thinking is the right way? What if my thinking is flawed. What if it leads to a catastrophic failure? I know the way we tackle failures define us but sometimes results and being successful in certain areas are important. Can you also tell me how to tackle misfortunes that occur in our pursuit to be really successful? I don't have a trusted adult whom I can talk to.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Your desire to change this world is creditable. However, for any such large ambiguous goal, you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable, definable and achievable goals. How do you want to change the world? What all will you do towards that end? And, how will you know if you have achieved it?
The best way to test out your thinking is to bounce off your ideas with people who can provide you useful inputs. You may be able to find on-line sources of ideas in the field that you are talking about. You say you don’t have a trusted adult whom you can talk to. You can cultivate friendships based around your common interests and test out your ideas there.
How you deal with failures along the way, and there are bound to be some, is a function of how you define success for yourself. And I think you should gain clarity on how you will define success. Failures need to be treated, not as roadblocks, but as mere bumps on the road. You should just bounce off them and be on your path again. You need not necessarily have to change paths. And, the best way to get over your fear of failure is to also define and articulate what exactly you are scared of. What does the failure mean to you, and if you fail what are your worst fears about it. Remember, if you concretise what you are scared about, you may suddenly realise that the worst possible outcome that you are envisaging, may actually not be that scary. It may be something you could easily deal with and move on. One of my favourite quotes is “Failure is an event, not a person”. Keep that in mind and you will be able to move past any failures that come your way.
Dear Madam,
I have completed my BA 4th semester but I failed to perform well in the exams. Now I want to get more marks in the 5th and 6th semesters. Please help me concentrate on my studies.
Mallu S K
Dear Mallu,
It is good that you are now feeling motivated to perform better in your exams. It is very important to be able to bounce back after a failure, rather than feel defeated by it. Failure is an event, not a person. So while you may have failed at an exam, it is important to ensure that you do not start believing that you are a failure.
What is your motivation for getting more marks in the next semesters? Is it because you want to do well and you see it as a stepping stone towards a larger goal that you have in mind. Or, is it because your parents want you to get more marks and you want to either please them, or keep them quiet. If you are doing it for your parents, and see no ultimate purpose in it for yourself, then I’m afraid concentrating will be a challenge even this time around. If you are doing it for yourself, then your motivation for achieving your goals will drive your own efforts.
Whatever your motivation, you need to remember that these marks cannot be your end goal. It is important to always have the larger goal in mind, so that we don’t view failures along the way as ultimate failures, but only as small hurdles on the path to achieving the larger goal. Edison failed a thousand times before he finally invented the light bulb. However, when asked how he dealt with so much failure, he said he had not failed. It was just a thousand step process.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Communication is the Key - Ask Our Counsellor Q & A Column July 7, 2011
[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 7, 2011]
Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.
What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .
Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.
If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.
Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.
I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.
Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.
What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .
Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.
If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.
Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.
I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Train your mind to concentrate - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A column June 16, 2011
[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on June 16, 2011]
Dear Madam,
My son is studying in II PUC (PCMB) and he is attending coaching classes. But, he is unable to concentrate on his studies. He does not have any close friends to share his feelings/difficulties. We are trying our level best to get him to concentrate on his studies. Does he require counselling? Will he be able to score good marks if he goes through text books?
Anxious Parent
Dear Parent
If you are not able to manage your anxiety, it is going to translate onto your child and hamper his performance. You may find it helpful to get a counsellor’s help in managing your anxiety. As parents, we see our child’s ‘success’ as a validation for our own parenting, and therein lies the stress. So you need to understand how you define ‘success’ in life for yourself, and your child. Success in life depends on several factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. Also, you need to see why your sense of self-validation is so heavily dependent on your son being ‘successful’. I think you need to learn to deal with your anxiety about your child’s success.
Now, coming back to your son,
To get the most out of his time, he must be able to concentrate on what he is doing in the moment, rather than let his mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that he controls the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around.
Some exercises to help you improve his concentration are:
* Counting backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting every third number backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting the words in a paragraph of his book without using his finger as a pointer.
Once this is easy, counting the words on a page.
*Repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in his mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes.
It is very important for him to be able to share his feelings with someone. If he doesn’t have friends, and he is unable to talk to you, then it will probably be helpful for him to meet a counsellor. Don’t forget, if you have anxieties about his future, he will also have anxieties about his future, probably even more than you.
Dear Madam
I am doing my 2nd PUC in Commerce. Since my parents are lawyers, I am also influenced by them in certain ways and am interested in Law. But I am also interested in Visual Communication. I know I shouldn’t do a course just because my parents are in the field and that I need to follow my passion. One day I want to be a lawyer and the next day I want to go into the creative line. How do I know if I am interested in Law or Visual Communications? Is it possible to do both?
A Student
Dear Student
I understand that you are confused as you keenly want to follow two career paths. I think that is a happy position to be in — to be clear about what choices you want to pursue, rather than not know what to do at all — and, to have multiple options, rather than just one.
Maybe you should get the help of a career counsellor to assess which field is a better match with your capabilities and interests.
Also, it may be important for you to understand the two fields in greater depth and gain clarity on what you would be doing if you went down either path. Five years, or ten years into the field, what do you visualise yourself doing, and how do you feel about it. Think of your strengths and weaknesses, and the opportunities and threats, with respect to both the fields and see if that helps you arrive at an answer. Talk to people working in both areas to get a realistic picture of what either career entails.
Also, be mindful of your motivation to do law — Is it that you are passionate about the subject, or is it the ease of being able to settle into an already existing practice which will give you a head start? Think about ways in which it may be possible for you to pursue one line as a passion, outside of your career.
Dear Madam,
My son is studying in II PUC (PCMB) and he is attending coaching classes. But, he is unable to concentrate on his studies. He does not have any close friends to share his feelings/difficulties. We are trying our level best to get him to concentrate on his studies. Does he require counselling? Will he be able to score good marks if he goes through text books?
Anxious Parent
Dear Parent
If you are not able to manage your anxiety, it is going to translate onto your child and hamper his performance. You may find it helpful to get a counsellor’s help in managing your anxiety. As parents, we see our child’s ‘success’ as a validation for our own parenting, and therein lies the stress. So you need to understand how you define ‘success’ in life for yourself, and your child. Success in life depends on several factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. Also, you need to see why your sense of self-validation is so heavily dependent on your son being ‘successful’. I think you need to learn to deal with your anxiety about your child’s success.
Now, coming back to your son,
To get the most out of his time, he must be able to concentrate on what he is doing in the moment, rather than let his mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that he controls the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around.
Some exercises to help you improve his concentration are:
* Counting backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting every third number backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting the words in a paragraph of his book without using his finger as a pointer.
Once this is easy, counting the words on a page.
*Repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in his mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes.
It is very important for him to be able to share his feelings with someone. If he doesn’t have friends, and he is unable to talk to you, then it will probably be helpful for him to meet a counsellor. Don’t forget, if you have anxieties about his future, he will also have anxieties about his future, probably even more than you.
Dear Madam
I am doing my 2nd PUC in Commerce. Since my parents are lawyers, I am also influenced by them in certain ways and am interested in Law. But I am also interested in Visual Communication. I know I shouldn’t do a course just because my parents are in the field and that I need to follow my passion. One day I want to be a lawyer and the next day I want to go into the creative line. How do I know if I am interested in Law or Visual Communications? Is it possible to do both?
A Student
Dear Student
I understand that you are confused as you keenly want to follow two career paths. I think that is a happy position to be in — to be clear about what choices you want to pursue, rather than not know what to do at all — and, to have multiple options, rather than just one.
Maybe you should get the help of a career counsellor to assess which field is a better match with your capabilities and interests.
Also, it may be important for you to understand the two fields in greater depth and gain clarity on what you would be doing if you went down either path. Five years, or ten years into the field, what do you visualise yourself doing, and how do you feel about it. Think of your strengths and weaknesses, and the opportunities and threats, with respect to both the fields and see if that helps you arrive at an answer. Talk to people working in both areas to get a realistic picture of what either career entails.
Also, be mindful of your motivation to do law — Is it that you are passionate about the subject, or is it the ease of being able to settle into an already existing practice which will give you a head start? Think about ways in which it may be possible for you to pursue one line as a passion, outside of your career.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Chart Your Own Path - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column May 26, 2011
[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 26, 2011]
Dear Madam
I am a 15 year old boy. I love sports and I feel I can excel at it, but that’s just a gamble. My parents force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. Of late many sports men are found to be making a lot of money through sports, I think I could as well. What should I do, Study or Sports?
Dear Sportsperson
I have three observations to make about your letter. Firstly, are you aspiring to be a sportsperson for the love of the sport, or for the money you can make. Secondly, are you chasing sports for the love of sports, or for the desire to escape studying. And thirdly, if you are aspiring for the big league in sports, then by age 15 you would probably already have some indication if you can make it. So, check your motivation. Is it to make money, is it to avoid studying, or is it because you excel at it. I do not believe sports and studies are mutually exclusive. You may not excel in studies, but sports helps you concentrate better at your work and you would need some amount of knowledge about the world around you even to be a charismatic sportsman.
Ultimately, sports is about personal passion. But check your motivation first.
Dear Madam,
I have finished writing my CET exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again in securing a seat in the medical field. I am helpless at present and i don't have the courage to face my family members. I am really scared as I feel that I have disappointed them once again. Please help me. Is studying abroad a better option?
Dear Student
I can understand your worry and your anxiety. You feel helpless since you have failed at the exam a second time and don’t have the courage to face your family. You need courage to do something when you are scared of it. So my question to you is what are you scared about? Like I said in the earlier response, it is important to be able to name your fears. This helps us concretize them and see if the fears are rational or not. Sometimes we have a lot of irrational fears, and when we think about them we realize that there is no need for us to be scared of them. So what are your fears about facing your family? Are you scared that they will not love you anymore? Are you scared that they will throw you out of the house? Are you scared that they will not support you anymore? What are you scared about? They may be disappointed by your result, but their disappointment is something they have to deal with. After all no one gets everything they want, and facing disappointment is a part of life. So you don’t need to weigh yourself down with the burden of their disappointment. You need to focus on putting in your best effort in doing what you want to do. Read my article on putting exams in perspective at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Remember, if one door closes, another one will open - you just need to look for it.
I don’t have an answer for you about whether studying abroad is a better option. It depends on your readiness to be in a new environment, your family’s financial situation, etc. Studying abroad is not a guarantee of success. The only guarantee is putting in your best effort at learning the maximum from every opportunity.
Dear Madam
I am a 15 year old boy. I love sports and I feel I can excel at it, but that’s just a gamble. My parents force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. Of late many sports men are found to be making a lot of money through sports, I think I could as well. What should I do, Study or Sports?
Dear Sportsperson
I have three observations to make about your letter. Firstly, are you aspiring to be a sportsperson for the love of the sport, or for the money you can make. Secondly, are you chasing sports for the love of sports, or for the desire to escape studying. And thirdly, if you are aspiring for the big league in sports, then by age 15 you would probably already have some indication if you can make it. So, check your motivation. Is it to make money, is it to avoid studying, or is it because you excel at it. I do not believe sports and studies are mutually exclusive. You may not excel in studies, but sports helps you concentrate better at your work and you would need some amount of knowledge about the world around you even to be a charismatic sportsman.
Ultimately, sports is about personal passion. But check your motivation first.
Dear Madam,
I have finished writing my CET exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again in securing a seat in the medical field. I am helpless at present and i don't have the courage to face my family members. I am really scared as I feel that I have disappointed them once again. Please help me. Is studying abroad a better option?
Dear Student
I can understand your worry and your anxiety. You feel helpless since you have failed at the exam a second time and don’t have the courage to face your family. You need courage to do something when you are scared of it. So my question to you is what are you scared about? Like I said in the earlier response, it is important to be able to name your fears. This helps us concretize them and see if the fears are rational or not. Sometimes we have a lot of irrational fears, and when we think about them we realize that there is no need for us to be scared of them. So what are your fears about facing your family? Are you scared that they will not love you anymore? Are you scared that they will throw you out of the house? Are you scared that they will not support you anymore? What are you scared about? They may be disappointed by your result, but their disappointment is something they have to deal with. After all no one gets everything they want, and facing disappointment is a part of life. So you don’t need to weigh yourself down with the burden of their disappointment. You need to focus on putting in your best effort in doing what you want to do. Read my article on putting exams in perspective at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Remember, if one door closes, another one will open - you just need to look for it.
I don’t have an answer for you about whether studying abroad is a better option. It depends on your readiness to be in a new environment, your family’s financial situation, etc. Studying abroad is not a guarantee of success. The only guarantee is putting in your best effort at learning the maximum from every opportunity.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Do not let failure frighten you - Ask our Counsellor - May 5, 2011
[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald on May 5, 2011]
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC II (Science) student. I completed my 10th in a small town. After much effort, I shifted to a nearby city to complete my education. I was lax in my first year and got less marks. I am feeling very tense about my second year. I am from a poor family. I want to score good marks. Please guide me.
Nikhil
Dear Nikhil
You seem to want an outcome without working for it. Unfortunately nothing in life gets attained without hard work. However, getting tense about the outcome is not helpful. Just wanting to score good marks, without being willing to put in the effort to work towards them, is not the way forward. Your anxiety and stress may be stemming from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them. This allows you to get them out of your system and focus on what you need to do.
Do not let failure frighten you. Failure is an event, not a person. The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. And this refers to all kinds of failures in life. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. Often students feel that if they fail in an exam they have failed as a person and there is no more hope for them. So, don’t get overwhelmed by the time you have already squandered away. If you have the realisation now, that you need to make changes, then I would say, “Better late than never”. Good luck and work hard. There is no substitute for determination, perseverance, struggle and hard work.
Dear Madam
I am studying in high school. I make a lot of spelling mistakes and my hand writing is going from bad to worse. Can you give me some tips to improve my handwriting and to avoid spelling mistakes?
Student
Dear Student,
If your handwriting is deteriorating, now that you are in high school, and you feel it is not because you need to write too much too fast, and therefore, cannot focus on the writing, I feel you should get an evaluation from a psychologist who may help you deal with this. Both the handwriting and spelling mistakes may be the result of other underlying concerns you may be having.
Dear Madam,
I finished my PU II exams, and have various other exams to take up like CET, COMEDK, NATA, AIEEE. The problem is I am not able to concentrate on my studies at all. I scored well until Std VIII with 80% in my Science subjects. Of late my concentration has hit rock bottom. It has had an adverse effect on my studies. I am hardly able to pass now. I have done badly in my Board exams also because of this. My mind wanders off when I start studying. I want to get my concentration back. I am not able to comprehend what I am going through. Please help me.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I get a sense that you are over anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You need to be able to put exams in perspective. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life.
This is only one of them. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. How do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax.
Concentrate on what we are doing in the moment, rather than let our mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that we control the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around. Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling. Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:
*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer.
Once this is easy, count the words on a page. Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes. These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes everyday and see the difference.
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC II (Science) student. I completed my 10th in a small town. After much effort, I shifted to a nearby city to complete my education. I was lax in my first year and got less marks. I am feeling very tense about my second year. I am from a poor family. I want to score good marks. Please guide me.
Nikhil
Dear Nikhil
You seem to want an outcome without working for it. Unfortunately nothing in life gets attained without hard work. However, getting tense about the outcome is not helpful. Just wanting to score good marks, without being willing to put in the effort to work towards them, is not the way forward. Your anxiety and stress may be stemming from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them. This allows you to get them out of your system and focus on what you need to do.
Do not let failure frighten you. Failure is an event, not a person. The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. And this refers to all kinds of failures in life. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. Often students feel that if they fail in an exam they have failed as a person and there is no more hope for them. So, don’t get overwhelmed by the time you have already squandered away. If you have the realisation now, that you need to make changes, then I would say, “Better late than never”. Good luck and work hard. There is no substitute for determination, perseverance, struggle and hard work.
Dear Madam
I am studying in high school. I make a lot of spelling mistakes and my hand writing is going from bad to worse. Can you give me some tips to improve my handwriting and to avoid spelling mistakes?
Student
Dear Student,
If your handwriting is deteriorating, now that you are in high school, and you feel it is not because you need to write too much too fast, and therefore, cannot focus on the writing, I feel you should get an evaluation from a psychologist who may help you deal with this. Both the handwriting and spelling mistakes may be the result of other underlying concerns you may be having.
Dear Madam,
I finished my PU II exams, and have various other exams to take up like CET, COMEDK, NATA, AIEEE. The problem is I am not able to concentrate on my studies at all. I scored well until Std VIII with 80% in my Science subjects. Of late my concentration has hit rock bottom. It has had an adverse effect on my studies. I am hardly able to pass now. I have done badly in my Board exams also because of this. My mind wanders off when I start studying. I want to get my concentration back. I am not able to comprehend what I am going through. Please help me.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I get a sense that you are over anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You need to be able to put exams in perspective. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life.
This is only one of them. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. How do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax.
Concentrate on what we are doing in the moment, rather than let our mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that we control the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around. Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling. Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:
*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer.
Once this is easy, count the words on a page. Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes. These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes everyday and see the difference.
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