Be anxiety-free - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on February 12, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I’m currently a first year student at a well-known college in Dharwad. I stay in a hostel as my parents live in Belgaum. For some reason, I was not able to study in Dharwad, so my parents thought of bringing me back to Belgaum. The problem is that my subject combination is PCM and Statistics, but there is no college in Belgaum that offers Statistics as an option. Am I allowed to change my combination for the second year? Please help me with some solution.
Aniket
Dear Aniket
I do not know anything about the rules around changing of subjects and things like that. I am sure your new college, or previous college will be able to answer that. 

However, I would like you to try and understand for yourself why you were unable to study in Dharwad. Understanding that, and maybe addressing it, will help you make the best choice for yourself. 

What was holding you back in Dharwad? Was it peer pressure to appear ‘cool’ and not study? Was it fear of the future and exams which led to anxiety that did not let you focus? Was it due to the fact that you were missing the safety, comfort and nurturing at home? Was it because you were being bullied? Was it because of distractions around girls? Or, some other reason. Identifying the reason and working on it will ensure that you do not repeat the same problem in your new college. 

But this exercise may not be easy and you may need the help of a trusted adult, or a counsellor, to arrive at some answers for yourself. You may also call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 for free counselling support over the phone since you may not have access to a face-to-face counsellor. All the best.

Dear Madam, 
My daughter is in the eighth standard. She spends a lot of time watching TV, sometimes watching it until 11 pm and beyond. This leaves very little time for her studies and is affecting her academics. I have attempted to discourage her by setting some rules, but she gets annoyed. It has reached a situation where I have lost control over her. What do I do? 
Tense mother

Dear mother
Maybe you should get some help and support to understand what is going on for you. The reasons for your anxiety, and the feeling of loss of control and the resultant fear around that. Also, to help you regain your influence (I prefer that word to control) over your daughter. Influence is a much more powerful tool than control. 

Also, very often, with our children, we look at behaviours and seek to change behaviours that we don’t like. 

We never try to understand the behaviours in terms of the feelings and thoughts that are driving them. Behaviours are always linked to thoughts and feelings and those are what we actually need to address.

It is possible that your daughter is using the TV-watching as an escape because the work at hand is too overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. 

Then that is what needs to be addressed, not the TV watching. When we don’t understand the feelings and thoughts, we are not able to connect to the child and we just keep trying to stop behaviours that we don’t like. 

Like in an iceberg, the behaviours that are visible only give a small percentage of the whole story. We need to see the iceberg in its totality.

So my advice to you would be to seek to influence, not to control; and seek to understand the part of the iceberg that is not visible and is under the surface. And if you are not able to do this by yourself, please reach out for help to a counsellor.
All the best

Dear Madam
My daughter who is in I PU (PCMB) says she forgets the subjects once she receives the question paper even though she has prepared well. What is the reason? Is this a common problem among students. Please advise. 
George Jose 

Dear George
Yes, this happens sometimes as exams can be very anxiety provoking for some students and if the anxiety is not addressed and put into perspective, then issues stemming from the anxiety fill up all the working memory, leaving little space for actual study material that is to be remembered.

I have written extensively on this topic in this column before and I would urge you to read my earlier columns that are archived on my blog. In particular I would suggest you read ‘Demystifying exam anxiety” http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html and another one titled “Why exams are nothing to worry about” http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html . I think these will help you and her understand the phenomena and make necessary changes.

It is also important that you, as parents, be mindful of the pressure you put on her around the exams and the expectations you have around marks. Sometimes, we don’t realise it, but we are the source of the stress. 

And often, even if we are not, our children think they need to live up to our expectations, or their own, and put pressure on themselves.

If these inputs help, that is great, otherwise it will be beneficial for your daughter to see a counsellor who may help her address some of her fears around exams.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of engineering and fairly good in studies. I have always dreamt of doing something on my own – doing something big. But I have no idea in which field. What would you have done if you were in my shoes? I really do not know how to get to my final destination. How do I go about realising my dream?
SK 

Dear SK
What I would have done if I were in your shoes is really not relevant, because your shoes are different and unique and only you can fit best into them.

It is important to discover your passion and understand your dreams better. What are your motivations for doing something on your own? What does doing something big mean – big in terms of money, big in terms of impact, big in terms of fame, big in terms of earth-shattering discovery? So what does ‘big’ mean to you? What are your motivators in life – money, influence, fame, impact, leisure, relationships? These are some questions you need to take time to answer. 

Also identify your strengths and weaknesses and identify areas that play to your strengths. 

Then look at the kind of opportunities that you can take advantage of, and threats that may hamper your path. Also list down areas that are of interest to you – an interest that is deep and lasting. Also understand what success and failure mean to you and how you define them. 

Once you have done some of this soul-searching, possible options may start appearing. Your introspection may yield different answers as you ‘grow’ but that’s a good place to start.Good luck

Be completely honest - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appreared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of January 22, 2015]

Dear Madam,
My son is in the 8th standard. He is intelligent, smart and loving. However, he is a little stubborn and a sore loser. If reprimanded, he revolts. He doesn’t approach his studies systematically and is not keen on taking anything seriously. He depends on his intelligence to deal with his subjects and just glances through the study material. He likes music, books, general knowledge, sports and technology. I am not comfortable pushing him but I don’t want him to be irresponsible either. We sent him to an alternative school but it didn’t work out. Is there anything that he can take up according to his inclination – something in art, drama, music – and come back to formal studies as and when he feels like it? 
Parent

Dear Parent,
I am not clear from your letter as to what kind of school your son is in right now. You said that the alternative school didn’t work out. So is he being home-schooled now? After being in an alternative, non-formal, totally flexible environment, it is often difficult to adjust to the mainstream form of education. I am not saying it is impossible, but it requires a lot of adjustment and a lot of focus on social skills.

You say you are uncomfortable pushing your child. Analyse where this discomfort is coming from. Sometimes, children need that push to stay focused. It is great that you are focusing on his positives and trying to encourage him to find and follow his passion, but children need to know that parents are in charge. That parents are in control of the plane of his life, and that his plane is not just flying on auto-pilot. So, I do believe that either extreme (of too much pressure on the one hand, and no pressure on the other hand) is not beneficial for the child. I think we need to find a balance and learn to be able to face pressure, because in the real world, he will have to face varied situations. If he has never learnt to deal with any pressure early on, how is he going to develop the skills to deal with it later? All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying in the first year of my B.Sc course. I had initially aspired to study MBBS. I find it very hard to focus on the present scenarios and keep worrying about my future. I wish to take up CET again this year but since my concentration levels are extremely low, I am depressed about it. Please guide me.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I have written a lot about fear of exams in this column in the past, and you can find all the past Q&A in my blog www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in. It may be useful for you to spend sometime going through the blog because this question has been dissected in it from many angles. There is also an article on demystifying exam anxiety on www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html.

What happens often is that our fears about the future block up our working memory and therefore don’t let us focus and concentrate. So, it would be helpful for you to try and articulate and write down what your worst fears associated with the exams are. That way, you don’t need to hold them in your memory and can just put them down on paper. It may also be useful for you to talk to someone you trust about these fears, and if you cannot find someone with whom you can be totally honest then take the help of a counsellor. 

A counsellor will help you understand those fears and also help you gain new understanding and perspective in a safe, confidential space. If you are apprehensive to reach out to a counsellor face-to-face, or do not have access to one, call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free helpline, primarily for youth, where you can gain immediate access to a counsellor who can support you in a completely confidential manner. All the best.

Dear Madam,
My son is six years old, studying in the first standard. I am receiving complaints that he is a restless student. He talks loudly and giggles when he finds something funny. He finds it hard to concentrate for a long time. He doesn't behave like this with all teachers but does so especially with the class teacher as she is quite soft. He is intelligent, good in studies, talented and has a sweet loving nature. He is not violent and submits to punishment quite well. But his behavior is a matter of concern. Please help.
Florence
Dear Florence,
Your son seems to be a normal 6-year old kid, who gets restless and who laughs when something is funny. Neither of these are inappropriate. 6-year olds often have a limited attention span. Sometimes, even we adults find it hard to concentrate for a long time. If the teacher is not able to get him to do what he needs to do in class, then the teacher needs to relook at the techniques she is using. Especially, if you say he only behaves that way with one teacher, then maybe the teacher needs to do something about it. His 
behaviour shouldn’t be a matter of concern. 

Teachers would prefer for all children to be submissive, quiet and obedient because that makes their life easier. If a student is challenging the teacher’s style, it is not necessarily a problem with the student. He may just be testing the limits and pushing the boundaries, both of which are important skills to have in real life. Sometimes as parents, we need to take the feedback we get from teachers with a pinch of salt. We need to remember that they need to deal with many children and therefore would prefer conformance on all fronts. That is not necessarily in the best interests of the child. All the best.

Life's like that...

[This article by me was published in the Sunday Herald of January 10, 2015]

Children are encouraged to think independently, but are censured for making independent choices in life partners.

If there is one thing we Indians are scared of, it’s our children growing up to be individuals with their own hearts and minds, and then moving away from the clutches and influence of family.

We are, after all, a collectivist society, and individualism is shunned. And nowhere does this become more apparent than when the ‘adult’ child wants to get married. This often becomes a battle between the family’s ‘needs’ and the individual’s ‘wants’.

As more and more youngsters, especially in urban areas, are beginning to choose their own life partners, parents are struggling with their own rigid beliefs and values at several levels. One of the fears that parents express is — “What will society say? We will have no face left to show in society.”

Well, society will only reflect back and say what you, as parents, allow it to say. If you believe that your child has committed a crime by choosing a life partner, then you are giving society the permission to fling this very accusation back at you. If, on the other hand, you believe that it is your child’s choice and it is perfectly legitimate for him or her to do so, then you are not giving society the permission (by your mannerisms and body language) to be critical about that decision.

Honour killings are well-known in many parts of India, especially the hinterland, and it seems that instead of society becoming more accepting of inter-cultural, inter-caste and inter-religious marriages (which seems to be a natural fallout of the spread of education and the growth of the economy), it is becoming even more condemning of them. Instead of becoming more open, it is, in fact, becoming more closed.

Fear of society
Another fear that parents have is what judgment society will pass on their parenting, if they ‘allow’ their ward to go astray and marry out of caste/religion? Indian society is very quick at using a child’s accomplishments, or lack thereof, as a ‘report card’ on their parenting.

Every parent wants an answer to the question — “Have I been a good enough parent?” — and instead of using their own judgment and assessment to answer that question for themselves, they allow society to give them a rating based on their child’s exam marks, their child’s college seat, their child’s career choice, their child’s salary, their child’s choice of life partner, their child’s obedience to parents, their child’s adherence to religious rituals, the size of their child’s house, and then finally, even the accomplishments of the grand-kids. Since they are constantly looking for an external score-card for their own performance, I believe they have a strong need to control their child’s choices. Given this framework, I guess this anxiety is understandable.

Very often parents have an objection even when their children choose their partners on their own within the ‘correct’ caste and sub-caste. They hesitate to let anyone know it was their child’s choice. They try and cover it up saying it is ‘love-cum-arranged’ or some version of that phrase. Is it because it is too much for them to fathom that their child could make such an important life decision without their involvement? After all, ‘good’ Indian children are meant to consult their parents before taking any decision, no matter how old they are, be it about their choice of job, choice of house, choice of car, or choice of investments.

The choice of partner then is obviously at the top of that list. Individuation, which is the process of leading to an individual existence as separate from that of one’s parents, is not something we encourage, culturally. On the contrary, it is probably something we are rather scared of.

One last word...
So, what is the path forward? The path forward is not to become even more rigid. The path forward, in my view, is for parents to face their fears and develop an internal score-card for themselves. Parents need to first develop their own identities and personalities, as different from that of their parents. Only then will they be able to allow their children to do the same.

They also need to develop an internal locus of control and learn to take responsibility for their own successes and failures, and build their own self-esteem. Just as parents need to be mindful of helping their children build their self-esteem, they also need to be mindful of their own self-esteem and the impact it is having on their life and relationships. They must then take all the help they need to build it.

While strong inter-generational bonds between parents and children are a critical element in Indian culture, and are also a great asset of our society, at many levels, I do believe they must be built on a foundation of love, communication and a respect for one’s individual choices, not on a need to protect and project external societal ratings and family pride and honour.

Be Courageous - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

(The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of December 25, 2014)


Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 12. I don’t have a confident personality because of which I can’t answer questions or even talk to my teachers in the classroom. I even hesitate to ask my doubts. I get nervous when my teachers ask me questions. Is there a way to overcome this fear?
ZA

Dear ZA,
I would like you to spend a couple of minutes trying to identify what your worst fear is – answering questions or clearing your doubts. If your teacher asks you something what is the worst thing that you think could happen? Often our fears are undefined and all encompassing. We are not able to identify them, and that allows them to become larger than life. Try to answer these questions and in the process, you will most probably realise that your fear is irrational and misplaced.
For example, the worst thing that could happen when you ask questions in class, is your friends or teachers may laugh at you. Or they may think that you are not particularly smart. You will realise that there are far worse outcomes possible in life, and this is relatively inconsequential. You don’t need to be ruled by the fact that someone may laugh at something you said, or that someone may think you are not very smart. That is their perception and does not become the truth. The problem is we start believing that what others think and feel about us is the truth and we start believing that.
You need to believe in yourself and your capability. It is not a crime to not know something, or to ask for a clarification. After all, if you knew everything then why did you need to go to school? So to believe that you should know everything and that if you don’t, somehow, you are not good enough is a fallacy. Have the courage to ask questions and make mistakes. Life is not about pretending to be perfect. It is about accepting who you are, believing in yourself, striving to grow and having the courage to ask for help.

Dear Madam,
I have failed in one of the subjects in II PUC. Unfortunately, I have never failed in any of my subjects till now. I am considering giving a re-exam. What do I do? My family is depressed for me and I feel my dreams are
shattered.
YS
Dear YS,
I would like you to remember that
failure is one of many events that will happen in your life. To allow one event define the rest of your life is not very helpful. When one door closes, another door will open, provided you allow yourself to let it.
By all means take a re-exam. It can be a fantastic learning opportunity. Try and look at the recent failures in your exam, and learn from it. Understand what you didn’t do, or could have done better. It is essential that you don’t
repeat the same mistakes. It is important to analyse the past situation and understand what went wrong and how you could have done better. And if you are able to do that, then this current failure would not have been a waste. It could turn out to be a learning moment for some important life lessons.
Don’t let one failure define you. And keep your larger goal and picture in mind. This exam is not the end-goal of your life. Life is a journey, and this is just one of the milestones along the way. This milestone may be a little crooked and off the mark, but that does not give it the power to define the whole journey as being crooked or off the mark. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying in 11th standard. I have taken up PCMB and I am confused about my future career choices. I do not have a clear idea as to which course to pursue after this. I love mathematics and I also aspire to be a socialite as I love social work, or a even a CEO. As this is an odd combination, I don’t know which way to proceed. Can I do BSc or are there any courses which relate to my
interests?
Nimisha
Dear Nimisha,
At a stage when you do not have clarity on what you would like to do in the long-term, it is good that your choice of subjects allows you to keep all your options open. Since you are unclear about which way to go, it may be helpful for you to define what success means to you. Success may be defined differently by different people. For some, it may mean attaining a designation (as in becoming a CEO) or it may mean enjoying the kind of work you do, or it may be defined by the amount of money you make and the lifestyle you live, or it may even be defined by the kind of impact you have either on society, or on your field of study, or even on any one person.
Try and define what kind of choices appeal to you. And a path you choose can have a combination of all the elements you have mentioned – social work, leadership management, maths and so on.
Understand your preferences and your values, and work backwards from there. Also remember, there may be many paths that may lead you to your end goal. Just one word of caution – a socialite is not someone who does social work, but rather one who enjoys living the high ‘social’ life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am an average student who scored 88 percent in 10th and 89 percent (PCB) and 79 percent (PCM) in 12th. I opted for engineering owing to my father’s pressure. Although my college is good, I am finding it hard to adjust to my studies. Moreover, I am in a digital branch, which is giving me troubles. I am tired of this autonomous system of failures – makeup exams, supplementary exams, backlogs and credits. I come from a middle-class family and this is my management seat. I don’t want to waste the money spent so far and have decided to join master’s in mass communication or journalism as I aspire to be a journalist. Is this the right decision?
A student

Dear student,
Often out of confusion emerges clarity. If there was no confusion, you would just continue on your path without thinking about it. The fact that you are confused is making you think about your options, choices, preferences and values. I understand that you are feeling bogged down with what is appearing to you to be a continuous spiral exams, and more exams, and this is causing you some frustration.
Please remember, that there are many paths to reach the same end goal. You want to be able to support your family and also do something that you enjoy and gives you satisfaction. There are many paths to achieving both these objectives, and both these objectives are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to achieve one at the cost of the other – you can do both. It is important to recognise and acknowledge if something is not working for you. It is okay to make a course correction mid-way if you realise you are on the wrong path, rather than stick to the wrong path all the time and continue to regret it. All the best.

Make your own choices - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appreared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 4, 2014]

Dear Madam,
I am an 18-year-old guy who passed SSLC with 92 per cent but scored only 60 per cent in IInd PUC. I am embarrassed by this. My father had to take a loan to get me a mechanical engineering seat. Consequently, there is a lot of pressure on me to perform well. Could you suggest me an effective timetable with which I can perform well? Also, I spend a lot of time chatting with my friends which distracts me. This is affecting my overall study schedule. Kindly help me out.
P Sai
Dear P Sai,
I understand that you recognise that your performance in IInd PUC was not up to your potential and that you are feeling embarrassed and pressured because your father had to take a loan to get you an engineering seat. You recognise that some of your slip-up in performance could be due to the fact that you are now distracted and spend a lot of time talking to friends, instead of focusing on your work. It is good that you have been able to identify one of the causes of your poor performance, because if you know the reason it is easy to address, if you want to.

It is not for me to make a study time table for you, It is for you to make your own timetable and commit to it. I can make a timetable which can be completely meaningless because it does not have your buy-in. Your problem is probably not a lack of capability, but rather the absence of focus and a key motivating factor. Find your motivation and you will automatically be spurred to work towards achieving it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 16 years old and in my first year of commerce degree. I am an average student and have scored 75 percent in SSLC. I am lazy and have no interest in studying. I get through the examinations by sticking to a strict timetable. But I find myself lost in the nonsensical thoughts most of the time. I spend the time for studying daydreaming. I wish to study well and put my educational qualifications to good use. Kindly suggest some helpful measures.
KV

Dear KV,
There is a time and a place for everything, including the nonsensical thoughts. It is quite natural for you to be distracted. Yet, it is good that you understand what the right path is for you and what will get you long-term results. If you know what works for you, then your problem is made simpler because you have a solution that works. If sticking to a timetable has worked for you in the past, then you should just replicate that model, while allowing time for distractions and maybe building it into your timetable. It is not necessary that you have to study all the time. It is important to focus and put in your best while you are studying and also keeping time for other things. Do remember all work and no play makes you dull. So, try to keep a healthy mix of both work and pleasure. I wish you all the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a 15-year-old girl. I finished my class 9 in an ICSE school with 74 percent results. I aspire to score more than 85 percent in my upcoming 10th board exams. But I am very nervous as I want to perform well. Suggest some helpful measures.SS
Dear SS,
When you feel nervous or anxious about an exam, take some time to understand what your worst fear is. Write down that fear, understand it and then set it aside. Let it not clutter up your active memory. I have written extensively in this column on exam anxiety, but I have also written an article which helps explain the demystify exam anxiety which can be found on my blog which is  www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. I urge you to take a few minutes to read it. Once you understand it, you can overcome it. Also remember, that the class 10 exams should not be your end goal. They are just a stepping stone on your journey in life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I'm studying in II PUC (science). My problem is I can't study for long hours at a stretch. I lose my concentration pretty soon. Can you tell me how to study for a long period of time and also how to revise for the exams?
Adarsh Kamble

Dear Adarsh,
I do not have any magic formula that can work for everyone. Each student needs to discover their own study technique that works best for them. If you are not able to concentrate for a long period of time at a stretch, then you must make your schedule such that you plan for short periods of focused time, with adequate breaks. It is not important to study all the time, and it is not a crime to take a break. Some people prefer to study in one long stretch and work for a couple of hours at a time.

Others work best in small chunks with breaks. Do what works best for you. As for revision, again, there are many techniques and you must discover what works for you. If you discover it on your own, you will commit to it. It is not something I can tell you how to do. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I failed my SSC exams owing to my difficulties in math and physics subjects. I studied hard for my re-exams and managed to clear all my papers. I am now scared to take up science again. But my family wants me to take up science while I am interested in arts. Kindly help me out here. Do I listen to my parents or my tutor who thinks I have potential in science?
Khadarabi M

Dear Khadarabi,
It is not for me to tell you which subjects you take. Your choice of subjects should be based on what is your end goal and what is the path you see yourself pursuing in your future. Whatever subjects you choose, you should choose them because you like them and want to do them, not because someone is suggesting them to you. But do remember that choices bring along great responsibilities. You then cannot blame anyone else if your performance is not up to the mark. So, take ownership of your future, and commit to it. And then follow your heart. All the best.

Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.