Enjoy the work you do - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[This column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of August 12. 2014]
Dear Madam,
 
I finished my PUC in 2013 and secured 87%. Till I completed my 10th I was very sure that I wanted to take up science. When I joined PUC in science stream, I got totally confused whether I wanted to do MBBS or engineering. I lost interest in studies and was totally unaware of the consequences about my negligence. As a result, I didn't get a good rank in CET. My rank was around 5,000 and I was unable to get an MBBS seat. Then I had to be satisfied with the dental stream. But I wasn't happy. As I belonged from a middle class family I couldn't go for a management seat. I'm confused about what I want to do. I feel very low and am not able to focus on dentistry. I feel like I don't have a passion and that irritates me. I want to enjoy my field and feel happy to work in it, but till now I couldn't recognize what it is. After speaking to my father I feel I can be a good doctor. Now I feel guilty about my behaviour. Please help me. I cannot change my past but at least I can make a better future. Can you please tell me the scope of dentistry and can I be an oral cancer surgeon as I have an interest in being a cancer surgeon.
 
Ashwini

Dear Ashwini

I am not a career counsellor, nor am I an expert on various professions and their prospects. However, I am pleased to see that you want to enjoy the field you are in and want to do something you are passionate about. It is very important, since we spend so many of our waking hours at work, that we enjoy our work. And I am happy to see that you are trying to do something you enjoy, even if it means losing a year in the process. You are right, one year lost at this time, is not so critical, if it allows you to move to an area of interest. You say you feel guilty about it. I am not sure what behaviour are you guilty about? If you are guilty that you ‘wasted’ a year, I would say that you need to put that year into the perspective of your whole life. If that year allowed you to discover what you like, or at least conclude what you don’t like, it is well-spent, compared to a lifetime of misery and drudgery.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am doing a Diploma in Automobile Engineering in an aided institution and I’m interested in doing BE in it.  How do I prepare myself for it? And what aggregate should I maintain? I presently have an average of about 70 and no back logs. I completed the 2nd semester and am waiting for the results of the 1st year. Apart from it I have some sort of self-irritating things going on in my mind! I do go for a jog every day but no changes. I become an easy prey to that unwanted thinking. How do I get rid of it? I’m very optimistic about my career. Please help me.

Suhas N S

Dear Suhas

I am not the best person to answer your questions about what course you should do and what is the best route to get there. However, you say you have some sort of irritating thoughts that come to you which you want to get rid off. You are not alone in getting unwanted thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts every day. They come, and they go. Some linger on longer than others, depending on how much attention we pay to them. The moment we say that I don’t want that thought, the thought tends to become stronger, and stay longer, because of the attention you are giving it. As an exercise, if I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, you will realize that you will only think about a pink elephant. However, if I don’t say anything, you may never think of a pink elephant.So don’t get anxious about how to stop your unwanted thinking, because that anxiety is just what prevents that thought from going away. Don’t think of those thoughts as you’re enemies that you must stop, no matter what. Instead think of them as friends that can come and go as they please. You don’t need to give them permission to enter, or to leave! See if this works for you, otherwise seek the help of a counsellor who can work with you on dealing with your Automatic Negative Thoughts (also called ANTs).All the best.

Dear Madam

I am an above average student and I scored 86% in my 2nd PUC exams. Unfortunately I didn't get a decent rank in CET engineering. I didn't get my desired college and course. I waited till the last round of online counselling where we have to give our priority list of colleges and course. I finally got industrial engineering and management in a fairly good college owing to my category. I want to know:  1) the scope of the course 2) would it have been better for me to wait and write CET in the next year 3) there is a possibility that if I can score good marks in 1st year I can get my course changed, but the problem is I have lost hope as my elder brother and sister are studying MBBS and I think I have disappointed my family so I am not confident. 4) how can I bounce back to my good old attitude?

A student
Dear student

I don’t know anything about which course is good for you, and whether it would have been better for you to appear for the exam again. All I know is that, your brother and sister have to make their own life, doing what they like, and you have to make your own like, doing what you like. You do not choose a career for the happiness of your family (i.e. parents and siblings) but for your own personal happiness, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. As soon as you realize that this is something you do for yourself, and not for others you will stop feeling so pressured by it, and you will be able to live your life again. In the meantime, if this task is becoming too overwhelming, seek the help of a counsellor, either personally in a face-to-face session, or by calling the Parivarthan counselling helpline at 080-65333323 where a counsellor will help you with your challenges in a safe, confidential manner.

Explore new avenues - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 24, 2014]

Dear Madam,

I have completed my 6th semester B.A. exams, but couldn't clear my 5th semester paper. I had taken psychology, journalism and English as my optional subjects as I wanted to pursue my higher education in psychology without proper planning. Now that I have to wait a year to take up my further education due to my backlog I feel that I have lost completely. I do not know what to do in my future. Whether to look for a job or to wait and pursue my further education. I really need your help. I want to know few courses that I can do in this one year which would help me in future and also tell me what I can do in my further education. Does psychology really have good job prospects? I am a typical introvert and have very poor communication and socializing skills.

Pooja, Bangalore   

Dear Pooja

As you probably know, I am not a career counsellor and am in no position to give you advice on what course you should do and what has good job prospects. I would, however, flip the question around in your mind to “what course would you like to do?” You can make a success out of any field you choose, provided you have an interest and passion for it. You may have lost a year in your course, but look at that year in the perspective of your whole life. It is one year, not your whole life, so why would you allow yourself to say you have ‘lost completely’. And consider the infinite possibilities this one year may give you the time to explore for yourself – primary among which may be getting to know yourself better! Consider it as a chance you are getting to explore new avenues and study anything you want, and learn new skills. There are so many wonderful online courses that can open up a whole new world for you. Allow yourself to experience possibilities that you may not have had the chance to explore otherwise. In the context of your whole life, everything is just merely another experience, not a defining moment. All success and failure are transitory. Don’t get too attached to them.

There is no such thing ‘typical’ introvert. You are ‘unique’ and you are special and you have your strengths. Use this time to discover them.

Dear Madam

I have always dreamt of doing something on my own – doing something big. But I have no idea in which field. Now, hopefully in the next couple of years, I will get an idea by looking at the world in a different perspective. My other dream is to provide education to those who cannot afford it. God willing may be after working for about 25 – 30 years (or much less than that) I would like to open a school. I would like to know from you, what are the small but important steps to take as of now in order to achieve my dream.

S P

Dear SP

It is great to dream big and aim high. That shows you a path of where you need to go. However, remember to chart out your path with milestones along the way, so that you know that you are headed in the right direction. Just like you cannot reach an unknown place without a map (and landmarks along the way to show you that you are on the right path), you need to break up your dreams, into smaller, more achievable, milestones that show you your progress, and also keep you on track.You cannot just wake up one day and say today I will fulfill my dream. You will have to secure many ends along the way to get there – financial, professional, emotional, social, physical and so on. For instance, if you know you want to open a school for the under-privileged now, and you are not yet married, you must ensure you get married to someone who shares that dream and can support you and be a part of that journey! Similarly, you must also start planning for it now, financially. Hope this helps

Dear Madam 

I am doing my 4th semester Engineering (Medical electronics). As I had done my diploma earlier, I got a seat in BE directly in the second year. I am an above average student but found it difficult to cope with my subjects. Also, due to ill health during the exams, I did not fare well and had five backlogs. I lost a year. I am very depressed and I cannot come out of this depression. When I think about it, I feel scared and cannot stop my tears. I have never had backlogs before and have always performed well. I have cleared the backlogs but feel low about going back to college. I cannot concentrate as before. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again. 

Worried Student 

Dear Student

I understand that you are feeling depressed because you have several backlogs, and you are not used to having them. This is new for you and is probably causing you to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and feel like a failure. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. So you may have failed at an exam, but that does not mean you are a failure as a person. I have written extensively on this issue in this column and don’t want to sound too repetitive. I urge you to read some of my earlier writings on my blog. You may have lost a year, but what is a year in the perspective of your whole life? You may have lost a year. You do not have to interpret it to mean that you have lost your whole life. How you interpret the fact that you lost a year is entirely your choice and within your control. www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Try and understand what you are most scared about. What is your worst fear? Once you have identified it and named it, you will find it much easier to face. Sometimes you may need help with this and I suggest you get the help of a counsellor. You can also try reaching out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline which will give you free access to a counsellor to get you started on your journey to recovery. The number of the helpline is 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,

I am in my final year of BA. Like many students, I am in utter confusion about my career. I am a BE dropout, took up BA just to complete my degree. I feel that I don’t know myself, my interests and skills and am unable to decide my future and this is creating a lot of frustration in me. My teachers have always told me that I am a bright boy but I am starting to doubt myself. Please help me.

JJ

Dear JJ

 I think you would benefit from seeing a career counsellor who can help you gain clarity on what career choices will be best for you, given your strengths and interests. I am not a career counsellor so will not be able to help you with that. However, it is critical that you do ‘know’ yourself. The more you know yourself, the more you will be able to understand what drives you, and where your pitfalls lie. You can then create an environment which allows you to build on your strengths, and work on your weaknesses if you would like to overcome them. Again, you will benefit from reading earlier versions of this column which are all available on my blog. Realizing that you are not the only one with this confusion, that there are many students at your juncture in life who are faced with similar dilemmas. You could also read http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html And if you are still feeling doubtful about yourself, please seek the help of a counsellor.

Get back into a positive path - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of July 3, 2014)



Dear Madam
I am in class 10 from June onwards. I am really pleased by your advice. I read a recent article in the paper about maintaining positive attitude. I tried several times. I was successful sometimes in controlling my mind, but not always. Please suggest me to get rid of this problem. 
A student

Dear student

Yes, it is great to maintain a positive attitude, and what is wonderful is that you are trying to do that. However, do remember, that we are all human, and it is not possible, or realistic, for us to expect that we be positive 100% of the time. So if there are times when you slip up, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. Just recognize that you are moving away from yours positive attitude and remind yourself to get back onto the positive path.

But how do we get onto the positive path? Primarily by learning how to re-interpret situations, events and people in our mind, from being disastrous and things you can’t stand, to just being minor hurdles and irritants along your journey of life. For example, if you don’t do so well in an exam, you can interpret to mean you are a failure, and your whole life is doomed, and everything is lost.

This is naturally a negative path that will cause distress. Or you can interpret the situation to mean that maybe you need to put in more effort in that subject, or get some additional help, or try and understand what went wrong so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again. This is naturally a more positive approach because it focusses on learnings and actions which may be irritants but are not defining in a negative way.

Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam
I am a 15 years old. I love art, graphics and other creative arts and I feel I can excel at it. But my parents are not too keen on it and force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. What should I do? Study or focus on arts?
Aspiring artist

Dear aspiring artist

Even if you love art and graphics, and want to focus on that, studying other subjects as well can’t hurt you because education never goes waste. If anything it will give you a wider perspective on life. So don’t use your interest in art as an escape from studying, and a justification not to study, but rather as one way that you have the privilege of being able to use to enrich your life. You are lucky in that art is something you can always pursue along with your other subjects.

 The other subjects are not only for you to clear exams, and get jobs, but also to give you a wider and more holistic view of the world, to understand and be able to deal with the world we live in in a better way.

Do you think you are a smarter person today because of your having the privilege of being able to study other subjects all these years, or do you believe that you would have the same choices in life that you have now, had you not studied all these years. Studying gives you choices and opens up doors. Why would you want to give up that option and close doors that have the potential for opening? You are too young to close the doors ahead of you.

And while you are thinking about this, try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they want you to study, and try and explain your passion, point of view, and plan because being able to communicate and negotiate is a key life skill.

Dear Madam
I have finished attempting a competitive exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again. I don’t have the courage to face my family. I am really scared as I have disappointed them. Please help. 
A student

Dear student
Let’s be honest. Is this about facing your family, or is this about facing yourself! Firstly remember, failure is only an event. It is never a person. And an event also finishes and life moves on. So yes, you may have failed at an exam. And you may have failed twice. But YOU are not a failure. YOU merely failed at an exam, and you can take stock and learn from that experience. What were the mistakes you made, what do you think you could have done differently, and other such questions. And once you learn from this experience you can take the exam again and ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes again. However, that is assuming this exam is something that you want to clear.

You could also ‘learn’ that this exam is not for you, and you would rather explore another avenue, and go down the path of defining, exploring and pursing the alternate path that you would rather go down.

Your goal in life should not be to satisfy other’s expectations and keep them happy, but to live to your own potential, satisfy yourself and keep yourself happy. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own happiness. Please take the help of a counsellor on this journey to discover meaning for yourself, if necessary. You can either see a counsellor face-to-face, or reach out for help to the Youth Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,
I completed my MCA last year. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.
A student

Dear student,
It is okay for you to realize, after studying something, that you don’t find it interesting and you would not like to spend your life working in that area. You must enjoy the field you are working in, for it to be meaningful, enjoyable and not stressful. So if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that.

However, and here is the caveat. What is it that you enjoy and would rather be doing? Be clear about what you want, not what you don’t want. And that is the harder thing to define. It is not so much about family pressure, as it is about you knowing for yourself. If you are clear about what you like and want, then by all means disregard family pressure and follow your passion. We often end up blaming family pressure for our choices, but the truth is that very often we use that as an easy escape path, because finding our own path and then taking responsibility for our success and failure in it, is quite a weighty burden. It is much harder to say that I made a choice and I didn’t like it, than it is to say that the family made the choice for me and I didn’t like it.

So, this is a time to be honest to yourself. Discover your strengths and weaknesses, and discover what you would rather do. And once you have these answers, but all means go for it, because it is after all your life – you need to define it. Just a word of caution, on this path you may need some help from a counsellor so don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

There are many paths to success - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 12, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am 18 years old and I want to pursue medical education. I passed my class 10 with 90%. Since I was interested in doing medicine, I opted for PCMB .But from the beginning of Class 11, I was not able to get the marks which I used to get in school upto the 10th. As a result I lost confidence in myself. I struggled hard to score. Istill didn't get good marks despite my hard work and I finished my 11th standard with a mere 60%. The same continued in the 12th as well. As a result of my low confidence I just scored 63%. I wanted to score above 90%.I have not done well in my medical entrance tests either. So, madam, please suggest something which helps me regain my confidence so that I can bounce back, because I have a great desire to achieve my goal.

Mallikarjun Virat

Dear Mallikarjun

Exams and marks have a way of putting stress on us like nothing else, because we start seeing them as benchmarks for how good we are. We have to learn to believe in ourselves, and our capabilities, no matter what marks we get. There are many paths to success and the moment we allow ourselves several options we start reducing the importance we attach to just one option. Also define what success in life means for you. You may be currently defining it as getting into a medical college, or pursuing a medical education. The moment you are able to redefine it to something larger as being a “good doctor” or “as serving people” you will find many more options. There can be many ways of being a good doctor, and getting into the top medical college is not the only path. That may be one path. However, if you are dedicated to your task, getting into other not so famous colleges can give equal opportunity. And then recognize, that medicine is not the only profession before you. You can be a success in life, even if you don’t pursue medicine. Is your interest in medicine stemming from a personal choice, or have you been made to believe that that is the only respectable path to follow?

Dear Madam,

I am a 2nd year PCMB student. Previously I was studying under the Karnataka state board syllabus. Since I am new to this NCERT syllabus I need your guidance. I have an aim to join the AFMC, Pune. For this purpose I need to take up its entrance exam. Every year around 1 lakh students aspire to take up this exam and there are only 130seats. This is an army institution. I wanted to join army, as my elders advised me to get into army with some basic graduation and I accepted to do so.  Since the past two years I am very keen to become a surgeon in the army. The most disappointing thing is there are only 25 seats for girls. The competition is very high. I am getting baked under my own pressure. I really don’t know how to come out of this pressure. I got 81.6 per cent in the first PUC. Can you please advise me how to train up to face this pressure created by myself? I am not able to meet my own expectations. Daily I am battling with myself. I can’t concentrate for more than an hour. But I want to study at least 14 hours a day. I very badly want to get into AFMC.  I love to serve my country. Please tell me some tips to improve my logical thinking. As I need to study both 2nd year and 1st year’s portions, howdo I manage time?  I know I have asked a lot of things but please help me I really need some expert advice. It’s my dream of getting into this institution, I really can't express my desire in words. I know that I only get what I deserve and not what I desire. But I want to become deserving. Please help.

Varsha Shankar 

Dear Varsha

You are deserving and what you desire is well within your reach. However, I think you need to aspire for the right goal. It is very honorable of you to want to serve your country. However, I don’t think you necessarily need to think that getting into AFMC is the one and only way to serve the country. There are many paths to an end goal. Our stress gets the better of us when we start thinking there is only one path to reach our goal and if that path gets blocked we are doomed. If your end goal is to serve your country, and as a surgeon in the army from AFMC is only one path to it. Also remember, if one door closes, and alternative door always opens up, provided we allow ourselves to recognize it. It is only when we are open to many options can we reduce the stress of going ahead with only one option.

You are right, if you are stressed you will not be able to focus. Stress builds up from anxiety, and your anxiety is about there being only one path to your goal, and not knowing what to do if that path closes. Redefine your goal and broaden it. That will allow you the possibility of seeing many options ahead of you. Some amount of stress is good because it motivates you to work hard. However, too much stress is counter-productive because it overloads your brain and prevents you from being able to concentrate and focus. Allow yourself to visualize other possibilities in your life and you may realize that there are many options you can work with.

Identify your fear - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Times online edition on May 15, 2014]

Dear Madam
I am 25 years old and am currently unemployed. I completed my BCA in 2011 and since then I have desperately been searching for a job but I couldn’t find a suitable one for myself, I was diagnosed for aplastic anaemia while I was in the second year of graduation. Since then I have been under medication and have been admitted to hospital several times. I am medically unfit as my immunity is very low. Due to bad circumstances my career took a back seat. Somehow I finished my degree. As of now I want to pursue an MBA, but considering my health and financial situation I am unable to take a risk. I am really confused and depressed about my career.  I come from a very poor background and highly dependent on my relatives and friends. I have many dreams and ambitions to fulfill. I want to achieve many things in life.
XYZ    

Dear XYZ
It is unfortunate that you were faced with health conditions that interfered with your education. However, you must just view them as an obstacle that you have overcome. You should feel proud of the fact that in spite of everything you were able to clear your exams. Many circumstances are beyond our control and we just have to learn to do the best we can with them. There is no reason why you should give up on your dreams and ambitions. You must stay focused on them because that will give you the motivation to push yourself. You could look at options to study while earning – part time options, or distance education options. Or you can look at earning for a while, stabilizing your financial situation, and then going back to study. Also, sometimes a lot can be achieved by self-study as well and these days there are many, many options to do that meaningfully. A degree may open some doors, but to make the most of an opportunity you get is not dependent on the degree – it depends on your passion, knowledge, motivation, communication skills, creative thinking, problem solving, and other softer skills. So go ahead and follow your dream, but allow yourself the possibility of following your dream in non-traditional ways as well. Believe in yourself. There are many ways to get to the same destination. And we each need to choose our path given our circumstances.

Dear Madam,
My son is doing his 10th standard. He is a slow learner, suffering from specific learning disability and has been exempted from languages.  He is very interested in subjects like Mathematics and Science, but however much he tries, he is not able to score much. He has an aversion towards Social Science. He wanted to take up only PCMB in PUC and unwilling to take any other subject. He is adamant. His only aim is to become a pilot. Though I keep telling him about the difficulties in doing the course he is not getting convinced. I am very confused. I do not know how to pursue with his future studies. Is there any other option?
N Meera

Dear Meera
What is your reservation about his becoming a pilot. You do not mention anything about why you are against that choice. If he has a passion about what he wants to do and is very clear about it, it is important for us as parents to support their choices. So it is important for you to try and understand what your concerns are. It is important that children like the career path they choose and are passionate about it. That makes for them being much happier as working adults. Many children have no idea about what they want, and you should feel blessed if your child is clear about it. So rather than try and convince him otherwise, I think you should try and introspect and understand your own
reservations on this matter.
All the best

Wellness Buzz in India - "Flavor of the day" or "Need of the hour"?

[The following article written by me was published in News15 Employee Benefits newsletter of Almontz Insurance Brokers Ltd. dt April 4, 2014]

There is a new buzz around ‘Wellness’ in India as is apparent by the number of recent newspaper articles on the topic, and the fact that even health insurance companies are putting out full-page newspaper advertisements talking about ways to wellness, rather than cures for illness. Is this the current fad, or is it the crying need of the hour that corporate India cannot afford to ignore any more?

A 2012 study by the Associated Chambers of Commerce and Industry pointed towards the fact that nearly 78% of corporate employees in India sleep less than 6 hours a day, leading to severe sleep disorders. And 21% of the sample suffered from depression, the third most prevalent lifestyle disease, ahead of hypertension and diabetes. 

Chronic lifestyle disorders and diseases are gaining prominence – obesity, heart disorders, diabetes and digestive disorders are all on the rise. The consequence of India’s growth from a “developing” to a “developed” country has brought about dietary changes, reduced physical activity and consequent obesity. According to WHO estimates 39% of the adult population in India suffers from diabetes and cardiac conditions and 28% have high cholesterol. According to Government estimates the incidence of diabetes will go up one and a half times between 2005 and 2015. Not only is the incidence of diabetes on the rise, it is also appearing much earlier in life. This means that its chronic long-term complications are becoming more common. Currently one fifths of the deaths in India are from coronary heart disease. By 2020 this ratio is expected to go up to one-third. Sadly many of these deaths will be those of young Indians from the workforce. In 2005 it was estimated that chronic diseases in India accounted for 53% of all deaths. By 2020, this is expected to go up to 66.7%.

The consequences of workplace stress, or even general stress, don’t show up immediately. However, it is known that stress tends to get people to make irrational decisions, by actually affecting the way the brain functions. These irrational decisions then, often, increase the stress further.

So what are the typical stressors that employees of corporate India face? They could be due to the high cost of living, the prolonged economic slump, the shrinking incomes and the fear of layoffs; the fuzzy job expectations, the tough deadlines, the intense competition and the working across time zones; the need to be constantly connected and available, the sedentary lifestyle, the noisy work areas, the rising pollution levels and the nightmarish traffic. Or, they could be due to the pressures of belonging to the so called ‘sandwich’ generation – one that needs to care for young children and aging parents at the same time. Another feature quite common in corporate India is one of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole – where no mapping of interests and aptitudes to career choices is encouraged. People tend to follow the herd to gain social respectability, with scant regard for their own individuality and preferences. Naturally this results in high stress levels as people are constantly trying to stay afloat. 

The good part, however, is that we humans have tremendous resilience and capacity to deal with all that life throws at us at multiple levels, provided we are given the opportunity to nourish ourselves physically, emotionally, socially, professionally and personally. And the more nourished we are, the less stressed we are, and the more we are able to perform to our potential. It is about time corporate India woke up to this reality and focused on wellness in all these five domains. Wellness programs could just be the competitive edge they need in the race to retain and hire new talent as well. With employees spending the bulk of their waking hours at work, there is no better, and no other, place for them to focus on their wellness. Employers must not only allow it, but also encourage and facilitate it.