[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Feb 23, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a second-year, B.Com student and I come from an agricultural family. I have studied in Kannada medium till Class 10. My ambition is to become a chartered accountant. But I also have familial responsibilities to handle before that. I have scored 76%, 81% and 72% respectively in three semesters, but 90% is my target. I am a hard worker and dedicated but still I cannot reach my target. Am I overconfident of my skills? I have the following questions:
*I studied in Kannada medium. Is that getting in the way?
*Why am I securing marks between the above percentages only? What steps can I take to reach my target?
*How can I avoid being overconfident?
*My father suggests I take up a job after completing B.Com and pursue an MBA through correspondence. Is that possible?
Swapna G
Dear Swapna
I feel that you may have clarity on this matter by meeting a career counsellor. However, here is what I feel about the questions you have raised. You say your ambition is to complete CA. Let me caution you — while you may like to complete your CA exam, your ambition should not be to complete the exam, but to become a successful chartered accountant. The exam is not a goal in itself and does not guarantee success. The exam is merely a necessary stepping stone to your becoming a professional in that area. I am sure if you put in your best effort, you will be able to achieve whatever it is you want. Remember that marks are only stepping stones, and not goals in themselves. They are also not guarantors of success in life, which depends on many other things, the least important of which are marks.
I am not sure how you have arrived at the conclusion that you are overconfident. Are you not putting in your best effort? If that is the case, then it is creditable that you have that self-realisation. The only way around that is to put in 100% of your effort. Focus on the effort, not the marks, because the only thing you can control is your effort, not the marks. Nothing is a problem, if you are aware of it and willing to work at overcoming it. English is the language of the business world in most of India, and a good working knowledge of English will definitely help you. But the problem can be easily overcome by focusing on it and taking English language classes.
I am not sure if M.Com really adds any value, unless you are going in for further higher education and academics. For a job in the corporate world an MBA would be more beneficial. However, I do feel that doing an MBA after working for a couple of years is more advantageous. So even if your family needs are pushing you towards a job now, you could always do an MBA a couple of years later when things have settled down.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 (ICSE) student with a Science, Math and Computer combination. I performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue to perform like this, I won’t be doing very well in the pre-boards and Boards. I constantly forget theories and keep mixing them up. I don’t know why I can’t focus on my studies. I am distracted by the computer, mobile, etc.
While studying, I keep confusing one theory for another, especially in subjects such as Physics and Chemistry. I am afraid to share these concerns with my teachers. My parents don’t understand the issues. I have tried following time tables but that has not helped either. I need some help in focusing. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
You seem to be really tense about your exams, and it seems that your anxiety about the future is not letting you focus on what you need to do in the present. I have talked about this often in this column before and I want to point you to a couple of my articles which address this issue. Please read them if you get a chance. It’s not the end of the road at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
and Why exams are nothing to worry about” at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
It is very important for you to feel relaxed in order to be able to concentrate. Try some yoga and deep breathing to help you calm down. Let technology be a tool that helps you, not one that makes you a slave to it. The reason you get easily distracted is because you are tense, and the distractions become an easy “escape mechanism”. You say that you are shy to discuss these concerns with your teachers. We are generally shy when we think we are not good enough and therefore, feel the need to hide. Remember that you are not alone in having these anxieties and fears about exams, and your teachers probably have many students come up to them with the same fears. To have fear is normal. It does not make you any less worthy or capable.
Don’t let the fear overpower you. Talking about it makes it somehow seem manageable. So talk about it, not only to your teachers, but also to your parents. I am not sure I understand why you feel your parents are unapproachable. Sometimes, we build barriers in communication in our mind and they are not based on any reality. Try talking to your parents. They may surprise you by understanding.
All the best.
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Take it easy, kids! - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 9, 2012]
Dear Madam,
Please tell me how to study (I get tense while studying), improve my concentration and memory skills? I can’t spend more than 10 minutes studying as I get distracted with texting or reading books. I am a procrastinator. I face difficulty in spelling words. Is it too late to learn how to spell?
Student
Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, you need to study for the sake of learning. You need to focus on putting in your best effort, and not on the result, because the effort is the only thing within your control. If you put in your best effort, then even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you. The marks will depend on several other external factors on which you will not have any control. So focus on putting in your best effort and on the learning (which are the only things in this equation that you have direct control on).
You need to address your fear of the outcome that is making you tense. What are you worried about? When your mind is preoccupied with the tension, how can it concentrate on the learning. You need to voice your fears and worries (either to a trusted adult, or to a counsellor if you have access to one) so that you can either work through them, or throw them out. As for succumbing to distractions and putting things off, or taking things lightly — we only do that when we think we are doing something for somebody else and it is not really for our benefit. If we recognise that the effort in studying is purely for our benefit and our long-term gain then we don’t get distracted so easily, nor do we start doing other things — because we enjoy what we are doing, and we do it for ourselves (not to keep our parents happy).
I don’t think it is too late to learn anything, and I am sure if you focus on your spellings, you will be able to learn them. As a starter make sure that everything you write is correctly spelt. Don’t let the spell-check do the work on the computer — do it yourself. And avoid the SMS abbreviated forms, which I feel, tend to make people assume that those abbreviations are the actual acceptable way of spelling. Most of the questions I get in this column are in SMS abbreviate language when they come!
Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC student and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rest of my class as I spent three months in NCC camps. I am in the Science stream and I am interested in Psychology and Marine Biology but cannot choose between the two. I have been getting good marks in Zoology but scoring low in Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Botany. My exams are coming up and I am not able to concentrate, in class and at home. Help.
Vidyasri
Dear Vidyasri,
I am not in a position to help you in your subject choices. Maybe you should discuss that with a career counsellor. Your choice of subjects should ultimately depend on your career goals and aspirations. The subjects chosen should ideally be an aid to that choice.
It is creditable that you are keeping up with your extra-curricular activities, though it seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you. Don’t think of them as unnecessary activities which sap you of time. Instead think of yourself as being fortunate in being involved in them, because these give you life skills that no amount of classroom teaching will give. And ultimately success in the workplace and in life, depends not so much on your marks, but on your leadership and communication skills, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think creatively and think out of the box, your ability to solve a problem and a lot of other skills. Success today depends most on your self esteem. You will find a lot of material on this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/
Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student and I am finding it hard to focus on subjects due to ‘result anxiety’. Every time I start with a subject, I get excited thinking about the results but later lose interest in the subject. I was a bright student during school but the last two years have been disappointing, results wise. I haven’t done much. My parents have high hopes on me and are expecting me to crack IIT-JEE or AIEEE. I am under a lot of pressure and this is affecting my ability to concentrate.
Anxious Student
Dear Anxious Student,
I think you need to deal with your anxieties, because if you have so much anxiety you certainly will not be able to concentrate. I think you need to communicate your anxieties to your parents, and let them know how their pressure is not helping you. Please talk to an adult you can trust, or to a counsellor (if you have access to one) to get help on dealing with your anxiety. You need to be able to understand for yourself what your anxiety is due to. Anxiety is the result of a fear that we have of a potentially bad outcome. Understand what you are fearful of, and then gauge for yourself if those fears are rational or not.
Yes, your parents, may be having high hopes for you (as all parents do for their children) but your worth to them is, I am sure, not based only on your cracking the IIT-JEE or AIEEE exams. You can live up to their hopes of your success by doing well in any field that you choose. Like I have said many times before, success in life is not dependent only on your marks and exam results.
In fact later in life they have no significance. Success in life is dependent on, more than anything else, your self esteem. So focus on the learning, not the marks. Focus on finding your passion and excelling in it, not on clearing an exam for your parents’ sake. I am sure your parents want you to clear the IIT-JEE exam because that is the path they know to success and happiness. You can prove them wrong by finding another path to the same goal!
Dear Madam,
Please tell me how to study (I get tense while studying), improve my concentration and memory skills? I can’t spend more than 10 minutes studying as I get distracted with texting or reading books. I am a procrastinator. I face difficulty in spelling words. Is it too late to learn how to spell?
Student
Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, you need to study for the sake of learning. You need to focus on putting in your best effort, and not on the result, because the effort is the only thing within your control. If you put in your best effort, then even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you. The marks will depend on several other external factors on which you will not have any control. So focus on putting in your best effort and on the learning (which are the only things in this equation that you have direct control on).
You need to address your fear of the outcome that is making you tense. What are you worried about? When your mind is preoccupied with the tension, how can it concentrate on the learning. You need to voice your fears and worries (either to a trusted adult, or to a counsellor if you have access to one) so that you can either work through them, or throw them out. As for succumbing to distractions and putting things off, or taking things lightly — we only do that when we think we are doing something for somebody else and it is not really for our benefit. If we recognise that the effort in studying is purely for our benefit and our long-term gain then we don’t get distracted so easily, nor do we start doing other things — because we enjoy what we are doing, and we do it for ourselves (not to keep our parents happy).
I don’t think it is too late to learn anything, and I am sure if you focus on your spellings, you will be able to learn them. As a starter make sure that everything you write is correctly spelt. Don’t let the spell-check do the work on the computer — do it yourself. And avoid the SMS abbreviated forms, which I feel, tend to make people assume that those abbreviations are the actual acceptable way of spelling. Most of the questions I get in this column are in SMS abbreviate language when they come!
Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC student and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rest of my class as I spent three months in NCC camps. I am in the Science stream and I am interested in Psychology and Marine Biology but cannot choose between the two. I have been getting good marks in Zoology but scoring low in Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Botany. My exams are coming up and I am not able to concentrate, in class and at home. Help.
Vidyasri
Dear Vidyasri,
I am not in a position to help you in your subject choices. Maybe you should discuss that with a career counsellor. Your choice of subjects should ultimately depend on your career goals and aspirations. The subjects chosen should ideally be an aid to that choice.
It is creditable that you are keeping up with your extra-curricular activities, though it seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you. Don’t think of them as unnecessary activities which sap you of time. Instead think of yourself as being fortunate in being involved in them, because these give you life skills that no amount of classroom teaching will give. And ultimately success in the workplace and in life, depends not so much on your marks, but on your leadership and communication skills, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think creatively and think out of the box, your ability to solve a problem and a lot of other skills. Success today depends most on your self esteem. You will find a lot of material on this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/
Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student and I am finding it hard to focus on subjects due to ‘result anxiety’. Every time I start with a subject, I get excited thinking about the results but later lose interest in the subject. I was a bright student during school but the last two years have been disappointing, results wise. I haven’t done much. My parents have high hopes on me and are expecting me to crack IIT-JEE or AIEEE. I am under a lot of pressure and this is affecting my ability to concentrate.
Anxious Student
Dear Anxious Student,
I think you need to deal with your anxieties, because if you have so much anxiety you certainly will not be able to concentrate. I think you need to communicate your anxieties to your parents, and let them know how their pressure is not helping you. Please talk to an adult you can trust, or to a counsellor (if you have access to one) to get help on dealing with your anxiety. You need to be able to understand for yourself what your anxiety is due to. Anxiety is the result of a fear that we have of a potentially bad outcome. Understand what you are fearful of, and then gauge for yourself if those fears are rational or not.
Yes, your parents, may be having high hopes for you (as all parents do for their children) but your worth to them is, I am sure, not based only on your cracking the IIT-JEE or AIEEE exams. You can live up to their hopes of your success by doing well in any field that you choose. Like I have said many times before, success in life is not dependent only on your marks and exam results.
In fact later in life they have no significance. Success in life is dependent on, more than anything else, your self esteem. So focus on the learning, not the marks. Focus on finding your passion and excelling in it, not on clearing an exam for your parents’ sake. I am sure your parents want you to clear the IIT-JEE exam because that is the path they know to success and happiness. You can prove them wrong by finding another path to the same goal!
Friday, 27 January 2012
Never Lose Hope -Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Jan 25, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old, third year engineering student. I want to become an entrepreneur (businessman) and then branch into psychology. How can I achieve this? I want to meet and attend talks by Vishweshwar Bhatt and other such successful entrepreneurs. I want to set up a business venture after I complete engineering. Please advise.
ABC
Dear ABC,
Let me try and simplify your thoughts in this question first. You have a dream of becoming an entrepreneur and setting up a business and may be pursue a second line of work at a later stage in life. You are looking for guidance on how you can achieve this and would like to find a mentor who can help you polish your skills and guide you to success. You seem to think that by attending seminars by successful people, or spending time with them, you will somehow imbibe the techniques which you can replicate.
Well, yes, getting a mentor to guide you can be helpful, especially if you are not in a situation where someone from your family or friends can play that role. However, there is no one formula of success that they all use, and many devise their own formulas as they go along.
So even if you do not currently have access to them, do not feel that there is no hope. I am sure you have access to teachers and others in your college who will be happy to play the role of mentors. Talking to them, expressing your desires and fears, will help you straighten out your thoughts and gain clarity on your path forward. Once you have clarity on your path, you will know how to proceed. Remember, however, to break up your ultimate goals into smaller achievable goals so that you can get a taste of success as you go along. Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a 25-year-old male. I have always studied in Kannada medium (school and college). I have a huge complex with regard to my communicative skills in English. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions in English. I cannot speak fluently and I make grammatical mistakes. I have dreams of living in a foreign country. Or maybe becoming an IAS officer one day. I lack the confidence to speak in English in public. Please help me. This has been a huge issue for me. I have even contemplated suicide and I have lost the will or confidence to succeed in life.
Student
Dear Student,
I understand that you have a dream of speaking fluent English and see that as a passport to success in life. That is something that is easily achievable because you want to do it, and you are willing to work hard for it. There are many English language classes you can attend. I don’t know which part of Karnataka you are based in and if you have access to such classes. But, I am sure if you are keen on it, you will find a way to get to the classes.
What I would really like to address in this question is why you are allowing this to cause you so much emotional distress. You say that you even attempted suicide because of your distress on this account. If ever you feel that way again, or even if you don’t but want to settle your emotions regarding this, I suggest you see a counsellor, or use one of the free counselling helplines where you will be able to discuss your concerns in a confidential manner.
If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, then you will be comfortable telling your friends that while English may not be your current strength area, you would like to focus on learning it and they should help you if they can. If you are aware of your other strengths (of which I am sure you have many), you will be able to take their input as a feedback and turn it to your advantage and ask them for help instead. If you believe that you are actually not very capable then you take their laughter as an attack on you and feel hurt about it.
Don’t pretend that you are good at the language. Instead try telling them that you would like to learn English better and they should help you if they can. If we are honest about our weaknesses and our desire to learn (which we can only do if we are confident about ourselves), then people find it admirable rather than amusing.
It becomes amusing when we pretend to be a master and our lack of skill comes through. And we often put on this facade of being an expert because we are afraid of saying that we don’t know something. So, tell yourself that you are an expert when you actually are. And, when you are not, have the courage to tell yourself that you may not be an expert yet, but you are still worth it, and you are still valuable.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10, ICSE student and I am really tense about my performance in the upcoming preparatory exams. Last time, due to stress, I only caught an hour of sleep before the day of the exam and I ended up forgetting what I had studied. My parents tell me not to get tense, but I always end up feeling stressed out, anxious and tense before I enter the examination hall. Please give tips on how to study before an exam and on how to remain calm before writing an exam.
Student
Dear Student,
You are not alone in feeling tense before an exam. Many students feel the same way, which is why I wrote an article some time back on the same topic. Please read it at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html. I think it will help you put things in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it seems like the most important thing in the world, and it appears like your whole life depends on it. When you give it this kind of importance, and allow it to be the most defining event of your life, you are naturally going to feel stressed and tense about the outcome.
Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old, third year engineering student. I want to become an entrepreneur (businessman) and then branch into psychology. How can I achieve this? I want to meet and attend talks by Vishweshwar Bhatt and other such successful entrepreneurs. I want to set up a business venture after I complete engineering. Please advise.
ABC
Dear ABC,
Let me try and simplify your thoughts in this question first. You have a dream of becoming an entrepreneur and setting up a business and may be pursue a second line of work at a later stage in life. You are looking for guidance on how you can achieve this and would like to find a mentor who can help you polish your skills and guide you to success. You seem to think that by attending seminars by successful people, or spending time with them, you will somehow imbibe the techniques which you can replicate.
Well, yes, getting a mentor to guide you can be helpful, especially if you are not in a situation where someone from your family or friends can play that role. However, there is no one formula of success that they all use, and many devise their own formulas as they go along.
So even if you do not currently have access to them, do not feel that there is no hope. I am sure you have access to teachers and others in your college who will be happy to play the role of mentors. Talking to them, expressing your desires and fears, will help you straighten out your thoughts and gain clarity on your path forward. Once you have clarity on your path, you will know how to proceed. Remember, however, to break up your ultimate goals into smaller achievable goals so that you can get a taste of success as you go along. Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a 25-year-old male. I have always studied in Kannada medium (school and college). I have a huge complex with regard to my communicative skills in English. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions in English. I cannot speak fluently and I make grammatical mistakes. I have dreams of living in a foreign country. Or maybe becoming an IAS officer one day. I lack the confidence to speak in English in public. Please help me. This has been a huge issue for me. I have even contemplated suicide and I have lost the will or confidence to succeed in life.
Student
Dear Student,
I understand that you have a dream of speaking fluent English and see that as a passport to success in life. That is something that is easily achievable because you want to do it, and you are willing to work hard for it. There are many English language classes you can attend. I don’t know which part of Karnataka you are based in and if you have access to such classes. But, I am sure if you are keen on it, you will find a way to get to the classes.
What I would really like to address in this question is why you are allowing this to cause you so much emotional distress. You say that you even attempted suicide because of your distress on this account. If ever you feel that way again, or even if you don’t but want to settle your emotions regarding this, I suggest you see a counsellor, or use one of the free counselling helplines where you will be able to discuss your concerns in a confidential manner.
If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, then you will be comfortable telling your friends that while English may not be your current strength area, you would like to focus on learning it and they should help you if they can. If you are aware of your other strengths (of which I am sure you have many), you will be able to take their input as a feedback and turn it to your advantage and ask them for help instead. If you believe that you are actually not very capable then you take their laughter as an attack on you and feel hurt about it.
Don’t pretend that you are good at the language. Instead try telling them that you would like to learn English better and they should help you if they can. If we are honest about our weaknesses and our desire to learn (which we can only do if we are confident about ourselves), then people find it admirable rather than amusing.
It becomes amusing when we pretend to be a master and our lack of skill comes through. And we often put on this facade of being an expert because we are afraid of saying that we don’t know something. So, tell yourself that you are an expert when you actually are. And, when you are not, have the courage to tell yourself that you may not be an expert yet, but you are still worth it, and you are still valuable.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10, ICSE student and I am really tense about my performance in the upcoming preparatory exams. Last time, due to stress, I only caught an hour of sleep before the day of the exam and I ended up forgetting what I had studied. My parents tell me not to get tense, but I always end up feeling stressed out, anxious and tense before I enter the examination hall. Please give tips on how to study before an exam and on how to remain calm before writing an exam.
Student
Dear Student,
You are not alone in feeling tense before an exam. Many students feel the same way, which is why I wrote an article some time back on the same topic. Please read it at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html. I think it will help you put things in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it seems like the most important thing in the world, and it appears like your whole life depends on it. When you give it this kind of importance, and allow it to be the most defining event of your life, you are naturally going to feel stressed and tense about the outcome.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Have a Clear Mind - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, was published in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on January 12, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai
Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.
Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai
Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.
Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Have a Goal - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on December 29, 2011]
Dear Madam,
Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.
I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.
Sanjay S H
Dear Sanjay,
I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.
You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.
Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.
I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.
Disha
Dear Disha,
I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.
My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?
Sushmitha
Dear Sushmitha,
If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.
If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?
Chaithra
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.
Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Dear Madam,
Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.
I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.
Sanjay S H
Dear Sanjay,
I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.
You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.
Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.
I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.
Disha
Dear Disha,
I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.
My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?
Sushmitha
Dear Sushmitha,
If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.
If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?
Chaithra
Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.
Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
De-clutter your mind before you study - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following post, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 15, 2011]
Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.
First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.
To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .
You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.
First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.
To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .
You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.
All the best.
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