[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of August 29, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am an engineering (Information Science) graduate looking for a job right now. I have a speech disorder where I repeat the words or sentences. I am more prone to doing it when I come to the last sentence of a page or when I reach the end of a chapter. No matter how much I try, I cannot control myself from repeatedly reading the last word or sentence over and over again. So I end up wasting a lot of time. This happens even while saying my prayers.
I have been battling with this form of speech disorder since Class VIII. I was extremely good at studies till Class VII and I always finished among the top three in class. But from Class VIII onwards, my grades have been falling. I have never shared or discussed this with anyone. But recently, I came across an article on the Internet on Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, OCD. And mine is of a repeating type of compulsion, a category of OCD. And the article has thrown light on many aspects of my life and my struggle with this speech disorder. I realised that it has had a great influence on my academics and my grades. I am slow at performing tasks and I always plan them out meticulously to avoid ruining my work.
I am lazy too. As a result, I have finished my engineering course with only 52 percentage. My main issue now is this difficulty and delay in learning. Please help me overcome this problem and become a quick learner like others. I want to study further as I have a slim chance of landing a job with low scores. But before that, I want to completely overcome my OCD of repeating words and hone my learning skills, so that I get good grades at the PG level. Please help.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
When I started reading your letter, I thought it sounded like you were suffering from OCD. I am glad you have been able to identify the problem and are now willing to address it. I am not sure which city you are in and what kind of access you have to mental health professionals. You can address the OCD to a point where it becomes manageable and allows you to lead a normal life. For this, you would need to see a psychiatrist and a counsellor who will help you.
The psychiatrist will prescribe you medication, which may help you bring the symptoms under control so that you can then start therapy. Alternately, if your symptoms are not very disruptive and severe, you may choose to do therapy alone. The kind of therapy you need, which has been proven to be most effective for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. You can find plenty of information on this online. If you are not able to access a therapist who works in the space of CBT for OCD, you could consider using some online sites that provide this.
This therapy helps you tackle the symptoms in a gradual and systematic manner that will bring you relief. You could search for some books on the topic too which could help you understand the process. I recommend Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Dr Jonathan Grayson. Good luck.
Dear Madam,
I’m currently studying Information Science engineering. My PUC grades are not so good. I was interested in sports but didn’t seem to see any scope in that field. So I moved on and joined an engineering college even though I was not interested in the subject. Now I have lost a year due to poor scores.Will this affect my employment status in the future? I am in a lot of trouble. Please help. Sometimes, it is so frustrating that I want to commit suicide. I am very worried about my future.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I can understand your pain and confusion. Sometimes we end up pursuing paths that we are not interested in because of societal or parental pressure, or our own lack of awareness and understanding of interests, and then we can’t find the motivation to perform. Just finding a job should not be your goal. Your goal should be to find a job that you will enjoy and that will let you learn and grow.
And success in the workplace is not dependent on your marks. Your marks may get you an entry point, but ultimately how you perform will depend on what you make of the opportunity. And that is a function of your creativity, your communication skills, your ability to function in a team and lead a team, your ability to solve problems by finding solutions, your ability to think out-of-the-box, your confidence, your self-esteem and a host of other things.
These have nothing to do with marks. While marks are important to open doors, that is all they do. Meanwhile if you are feeling helpless and suicidal because of these, or other concerns, I sincerely urge you to see a counsellor, or contact a free support helpline to help you tide over the crisis and look at life positively.
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Spare a thought, spare the rod
Spare a thought, spare the rod
[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of August 16, 2012]
There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical violence to instill discipline. Maullika Sharma explains this further.
Today, for the fourth time in many days, in my counselling room, I met with children who are victims of physical abuse at home – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod.Apart from the fact that it got me really agitated, it also made me think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to physically hurt their child; the myths surrounding domestic abuse; and the psychological and emotional fallout of this parental behaviour on their children.
I would like to believe that such acts of violence are mindless, automatic responses to a stimulus, rather than thought-out actions. And this is a humble attempt at making parents aware of the implications of these thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behaviour, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.
So what drives a parent to physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons. One of these and a very significant one is the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but take a minute to recollect those feelings.
The second reason is anxiety — anxiety about their child’s performance and a feeling of helplessness and being unable to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out “right.” This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stress, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with ‘life’ and this is their way of expressing their anger. What ‘safer’ way for the parents to express their anger than targeting someone who is ‘powerless’ to respond?
There are several myths surrounding the “need” to resort to physical violence while bringing up children. Parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful, so that they remain in control. On the contrary, these children believe their parents are ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their abilities to guide and mentor them.
Parents believe that if they beat their child, he/she will stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track. Parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way.
Parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this results only in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. Parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehaviour. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. Parents believe that if their child is scared of them, he/she will not do anything “wrong”. On the contrary, their child is even more motivated to do “wrong” behind the parents’ back.
Parents believe that if their child is scared of being hit, then he/she will focus on his/her work. On the contrary, this distracts the child and the fear stops him/her from being able to concentrate and focus. Parents believe that fear is essential to focus and achieve “something” in life. On the contrary, fear may motivate them to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.
There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical abuse to instill discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, they learn that violence is an acceptable reaction and so start practising it themselves.
They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, so that they get targeted by other bullies.
Children will then work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They will slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a ‘duty-bound’ relationship with their parents. But that is not a relationship built on love, bond, communication, trust and care.
So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties, whether that means practising meditation or talking to a friend or seeking the help of a counsellor.
Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behaviour.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of Aug 9, 2012]
Dear Madam,
No matter how hard I try, I always only manage to score about 60 per cent. My parents are always upset that I don’t get the best marks. They turn very angry after the results are announced. I get very depressed at such times, and it is very hard for me to forgive myself for scoring low. This happens every year. I don’t want to hurt my parents and don’t want them to be ashamed of me. But, I haven’t been able to fulfill any of their and my academic goals. I've started to lose faith in myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to score high marks.
I don’t have any true friends. Everyone hates me and talks things behind my back. They talk to me only when they need something. Everybody keeps avoiding me and don’t let me mingle in a group for any sort of activity. My presence has no meaning to anybody. I have tried very hard making friends but have been unsuccessful. Others seem to have a good time making fun of me. I am always alone at home during holidays/weekends. Things were not like this in school when I did not mind being lonely. But now I can’t tolerate it. I have become a common enemy. I haven’t caused any harm to anyone and I don’t know why people hate me. I feel very low and very stupid for scoring low and having no friends. Now I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t want to attend college.
All these years, I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent or beautiful or popular than the others. I’m afraid that in the future, I won’t be able to make any friends or relationships and will end up a loner. I don’t think I will be able to outshine others in any activity. I’m ashamed of facing my parents. I’ve lost all interest in life. I don’t have the strength to bear all this anymore and I feel like running away. What should I do to be a normal person? Waiting to hear from you
XYZ
Dear Student,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me in detail about all that is troubling you. There are many feelings that I pick up from your letter and I would like to address each one of these. However, I will not be able to do too much justice to each of one them here and earnestly urge you to see a counsellor who will help you work through your feelings.
Now, coming to your feeling of despair. First, I get a sense that because you feel you are hitting a bottom right now, you are not a ‘normal’ person. Let me reassure you that your feelings are ‘normal’ and many people feel this way at various stages in their life.
Second, you feel lonely and believe that no one likes you. Everyone around you seems to hate you, in your perception. You feel left out and alone. You feel everyone takes advantage of you and then moves on. You say nobody likes you. My question to you is this — do you like yourself? If you like yourself, then it does not matter if anyone else likes you or not. By the nature of your interactions with others, they will be forced to like you. If you don’t believe in yourself, and don’t think there is anything likable about you, then you start also believing that nobody else likes you. The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Maybe you should start by doing an exercise for yourself where you identify and write down your strengths.
You also don’t want to hurt your parents, and you feel pressured to perform up to their expectations. You feel that unless you get the marks, you are worthless, not only to them, but also to yourself. Somehow you seem to be taking on the responsibility of your parents’ feelings. Your parents are adults and will learn to deal with their own feelings. You need to be responsible for your own feelings, and believe in yourself. Even if you don’t get the marks, it does not mean that there is nothing in you to love or be proud of. Discover your strengths and feel good about them. That will give you the confidence to face the world. If you feel that you are only worthy to your parents if you get the marks, then you need to start believing in yourself and your worth. Not everyone gets the marks. But that does not mean that those people are not worthy or capable of success. Marks only open a few doors for you. What you make of your life after that is entirely dependent on your other qualities of communication, confidence, cooperation, creativity, leadership, etc. Your marks will not hold relevance then. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person.
You can’t run away from life, and neither can you control what others say about you, or how they treat you. The only thing you can control is what you believe about yourself and your worth. And believe me, if you change that for the positive, a lot of the other things will fall in place.
Dear Madam,
No matter how hard I try, I always only manage to score about 60 per cent. My parents are always upset that I don’t get the best marks. They turn very angry after the results are announced. I get very depressed at such times, and it is very hard for me to forgive myself for scoring low. This happens every year. I don’t want to hurt my parents and don’t want them to be ashamed of me. But, I haven’t been able to fulfill any of their and my academic goals. I've started to lose faith in myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to score high marks.
I don’t have any true friends. Everyone hates me and talks things behind my back. They talk to me only when they need something. Everybody keeps avoiding me and don’t let me mingle in a group for any sort of activity. My presence has no meaning to anybody. I have tried very hard making friends but have been unsuccessful. Others seem to have a good time making fun of me. I am always alone at home during holidays/weekends. Things were not like this in school when I did not mind being lonely. But now I can’t tolerate it. I have become a common enemy. I haven’t caused any harm to anyone and I don’t know why people hate me. I feel very low and very stupid for scoring low and having no friends. Now I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t want to attend college.
All these years, I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent or beautiful or popular than the others. I’m afraid that in the future, I won’t be able to make any friends or relationships and will end up a loner. I don’t think I will be able to outshine others in any activity. I’m ashamed of facing my parents. I’ve lost all interest in life. I don’t have the strength to bear all this anymore and I feel like running away. What should I do to be a normal person? Waiting to hear from you
XYZ
Dear Student,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me in detail about all that is troubling you. There are many feelings that I pick up from your letter and I would like to address each one of these. However, I will not be able to do too much justice to each of one them here and earnestly urge you to see a counsellor who will help you work through your feelings.
Now, coming to your feeling of despair. First, I get a sense that because you feel you are hitting a bottom right now, you are not a ‘normal’ person. Let me reassure you that your feelings are ‘normal’ and many people feel this way at various stages in their life.
Second, you feel lonely and believe that no one likes you. Everyone around you seems to hate you, in your perception. You feel left out and alone. You feel everyone takes advantage of you and then moves on. You say nobody likes you. My question to you is this — do you like yourself? If you like yourself, then it does not matter if anyone else likes you or not. By the nature of your interactions with others, they will be forced to like you. If you don’t believe in yourself, and don’t think there is anything likable about you, then you start also believing that nobody else likes you. The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Maybe you should start by doing an exercise for yourself where you identify and write down your strengths.
You also don’t want to hurt your parents, and you feel pressured to perform up to their expectations. You feel that unless you get the marks, you are worthless, not only to them, but also to yourself. Somehow you seem to be taking on the responsibility of your parents’ feelings. Your parents are adults and will learn to deal with their own feelings. You need to be responsible for your own feelings, and believe in yourself. Even if you don’t get the marks, it does not mean that there is nothing in you to love or be proud of. Discover your strengths and feel good about them. That will give you the confidence to face the world. If you feel that you are only worthy to your parents if you get the marks, then you need to start believing in yourself and your worth. Not everyone gets the marks. But that does not mean that those people are not worthy or capable of success. Marks only open a few doors for you. What you make of your life after that is entirely dependent on your other qualities of communication, confidence, cooperation, creativity, leadership, etc. Your marks will not hold relevance then. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person.
You can’t run away from life, and neither can you control what others say about you, or how they treat you. The only thing you can control is what you believe about yourself and your worth. And believe me, if you change that for the positive, a lot of the other things will fall in place.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 19, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (ICSE) and I have to appear for the Boards in March, 2013. My average percentage has always been between 70 and 80. I understand the concepts very well and I always clear my doubts with my teachers. But I am weak in Hindi, so I go for Hindi tuition. But my parents want me to join a coaching class. Are coaching classes really useful? I have a few friends who are ahead in class because the coaching centres teach certain subjects prior to when it is taught in school. Is it necessary to go there? Is it better than self study?
Betty Roy
Dear Betty,
I am not the best person to advise you about whether you should go for coaching classes or not. It depends on your confidence in your own abilities to be able to follow a regimented routine and showing discipline when it comes to your studies. More than anything else, the coaching classes enforce rigour and structure to your study routine, apart from making you understand concepts thoroughly. If you are confident about being able to do this on your own, then go right ahead. My guess is that your elders are keen on your going for the coaching classes because they are anxious about your future and don’t want to miss out on any step towards ensuring your success. Your belief in your own ability to be able to do this on your own is commendable. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Computer Science engineering student. I am faced with a real problem — I am unable to focus while studying, and that makes me nervous before taking an exam. I have already lost two years and I should have finished my course this year. But instead, I’m struggling to complete the second year. Please guide me so that I can concentrate on my work and become confident. And once I graduate, where can I find work?
Student
Dear Student,
When you convince yourself that you won’t get a job even if you complete your course, you are killing your motivation to work hard. Getting a job in a good company is not the only road to success. Secondly, getting a job in a good company is not only dependent on your marks. It is also dependent on your level of confidence, your ability to communicate, your ability to think creatively and solve problems, your ability to be a team player and a team leader, your willingness to work hard, etc. Your marks may just open a door of opportunity, but will have no role to play in your making a success of that opportunity. That will depend on your attitude and skill, more than on anything else. Success is not dependent on what course you do. It is dependent on you, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your attitude. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (ICSE) and I have to appear for the Boards in March, 2013. My average percentage has always been between 70 and 80. I understand the concepts very well and I always clear my doubts with my teachers. But I am weak in Hindi, so I go for Hindi tuition. But my parents want me to join a coaching class. Are coaching classes really useful? I have a few friends who are ahead in class because the coaching centres teach certain subjects prior to when it is taught in school. Is it necessary to go there? Is it better than self study?
Betty Roy
Dear Betty,
I am not the best person to advise you about whether you should go for coaching classes or not. It depends on your confidence in your own abilities to be able to follow a regimented routine and showing discipline when it comes to your studies. More than anything else, the coaching classes enforce rigour and structure to your study routine, apart from making you understand concepts thoroughly. If you are confident about being able to do this on your own, then go right ahead. My guess is that your elders are keen on your going for the coaching classes because they are anxious about your future and don’t want to miss out on any step towards ensuring your success. Your belief in your own ability to be able to do this on your own is commendable. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a Computer Science engineering student. I am faced with a real problem — I am unable to focus while studying, and that makes me nervous before taking an exam. I have already lost two years and I should have finished my course this year. But instead, I’m struggling to complete the second year. Please guide me so that I can concentrate on my work and become confident. And once I graduate, where can I find work?
Student
Dear Student,
When you convince yourself that you won’t get a job even if you complete your course, you are killing your motivation to work hard. Getting a job in a good company is not the only road to success. Secondly, getting a job in a good company is not only dependent on your marks. It is also dependent on your level of confidence, your ability to communicate, your ability to think creatively and solve problems, your ability to be a team player and a team leader, your willingness to work hard, etc. Your marks may just open a door of opportunity, but will have no role to play in your making a success of that opportunity. That will depend on your attitude and skill, more than on anything else. Success is not dependent on what course you do. It is dependent on you, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your attitude. All the best.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Ask Our Counsellor
[The following column appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on June 26, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I’m a Class 12 student who has opted for the Science stream (PCMB). Due to some personal problems, I have discontinued my studies this year and plan on continuing it next year. Everyone feels I am lucky to have received another shot at the Boards as well as the competitive exams, but somehow I don’t have that confidence in myself. In fact, I am fast losing my confidence. How can I regain it?
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I am glad you are seeing this forced break as an opportunity that you have got, and not something to be sad about. That itself is a very positive sign. But you must be careful because this is a slippery slope. Right now when your peers are doing the exams they think you are lucky you don’t have to do them. Next year when they would have finished the exams and you will have to do them, you will feel they are lucky. The grass always appears to be greener on the other side, and you must be careful to reach your own
conclusion about it.
Don’t worry about the expectations of others. This is about your expectations from yourself. You need to do well because you want to, and because of what it will mean to you. Not because of what others expect of you. They are not going to be the beneficiaries of your hard work. You are going to be the beneficiary. So whatever you do, or do not do, you do for your own satisfaction and benefit. So believe in yourself. Whether you meet others expectations or not, is not important. You must exceed your own expectations because ultimately, that is what will give you the greatest satisfaction. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing a graduate degree, a BCA course. I am in the first year. I will be giving my semester exams soon. When I sit down to study, my mind is not focused on the task that is in front of me. No matter how much I try, I can’t bring myself to focus on the subject. I had the same problem during the first semester but I did manage to score 60 per cent. But I’m not satisfied with these marks. I want to score better. Can you help me out by suggesting ways to improve my preparation process? Should I meet an educational counsellor?
Ahmed
Dear Ahmed,
Your exams will be over by the time this response gets published. However, I am still responding because you will probably face the same issue in the future as well. I am not sure what you mean by an educational counsellor? If you are talking about career counsellors, then this paper carries the column of a career counsellor as well so you can address your queries to that column.
However, I feel you need to spend sometime analysing what is going on in your mind. When it wonders where does it go? Is it with your friends, wondering what they are doing? Or is it dreaming about the future? Or maybe brooding about the past? Or is it just generally stressed and worried about something?
Remember your mind is entirely within your control. And, it is probably the only thing that is truly within your control. You just need to know how to tame it. For that you may need the help of an emotional counsellor. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I’m a Class 12 student who has opted for the Science stream (PCMB). Due to some personal problems, I have discontinued my studies this year and plan on continuing it next year. Everyone feels I am lucky to have received another shot at the Boards as well as the competitive exams, but somehow I don’t have that confidence in myself. In fact, I am fast losing my confidence. How can I regain it?
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I am glad you are seeing this forced break as an opportunity that you have got, and not something to be sad about. That itself is a very positive sign. But you must be careful because this is a slippery slope. Right now when your peers are doing the exams they think you are lucky you don’t have to do them. Next year when they would have finished the exams and you will have to do them, you will feel they are lucky. The grass always appears to be greener on the other side, and you must be careful to reach your own
conclusion about it.
Don’t worry about the expectations of others. This is about your expectations from yourself. You need to do well because you want to, and because of what it will mean to you. Not because of what others expect of you. They are not going to be the beneficiaries of your hard work. You are going to be the beneficiary. So whatever you do, or do not do, you do for your own satisfaction and benefit. So believe in yourself. Whether you meet others expectations or not, is not important. You must exceed your own expectations because ultimately, that is what will give you the greatest satisfaction. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing a graduate degree, a BCA course. I am in the first year. I will be giving my semester exams soon. When I sit down to study, my mind is not focused on the task that is in front of me. No matter how much I try, I can’t bring myself to focus on the subject. I had the same problem during the first semester but I did manage to score 60 per cent. But I’m not satisfied with these marks. I want to score better. Can you help me out by suggesting ways to improve my preparation process? Should I meet an educational counsellor?
Ahmed
Dear Ahmed,
Your exams will be over by the time this response gets published. However, I am still responding because you will probably face the same issue in the future as well. I am not sure what you mean by an educational counsellor? If you are talking about career counsellors, then this paper carries the column of a career counsellor as well so you can address your queries to that column.
However, I feel you need to spend sometime analysing what is going on in your mind. When it wonders where does it go? Is it with your friends, wondering what they are doing? Or is it dreaming about the future? Or maybe brooding about the past? Or is it just generally stressed and worried about something?
Remember your mind is entirely within your control. And, it is probably the only thing that is truly within your control. You just need to know how to tame it. For that you may need the help of an emotional counsellor. All the best.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Study for yourself, not others - Ask our counsellor Q&A column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement dt June 7, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC I. I can’t concentrate on my studies for more than 40 minutes or so. I get distracted by hunger pangs, or I text my friends. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
I would like you to spend a few minutes thinking about why you feel you need to concentrate on your studies, or better still, why you are studying. We get distracted and lose interest in something when we feel there is no gain; when we believe it is something we have to do, for the benefit of someone else; when we would rather do something else which would benefit us more. So do you feel that you need to study for someone else’s benefit — your parents’, maybe? Or, do you think there is something in it to gain for yourself? What will your options, and life, be like if you do not study now? Think about these answers for yourself, and be honest. Think about what your life would be like if you did not have the opportunity to study. Right now it is seeming a burden to you. Believe me, the picture is not rosy. Do a reality check and accept that you need to do this, not for your parents or anybody else, but for yourself. Because effort is your only path to success. And once you have thought about it and have the answers, keep a snack by your side, leave your phone in another room, and go for it with all your gusto. Because you need to do it for yourself.
Dear Madam,
I’m a PUC I student. Can you give me a few tips on how to focus while studying, especially before an exam?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Lack of concentration near exams is a very common problem that seems to plague students and I have addressed this question in this column several times before. You could read the blog personalorbitchange.blogspot.com where the responses on the same topic are available. Hopefully, that will give you some direction in terms of technique. However, before you visit the site, I would like you to introspect on why you are studying and why you ‘need’ to concentrate. We feel bored and distracted when we are doing something that is of no interest to us, or we believe that it needs to be done as a favour for someone else, and we don’t gain anything from it. And, therefore, it is boring. We hide behind the belief that it is something we ‘need’ to do because of peer or parent expectations. Think of what your life would be if you didn’t do it, and acknowledge that there is a selfish reason to do it.
Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC I. I can’t concentrate on my studies for more than 40 minutes or so. I get distracted by hunger pangs, or I text my friends. Please help.
Student
Dear Student,
I would like you to spend a few minutes thinking about why you feel you need to concentrate on your studies, or better still, why you are studying. We get distracted and lose interest in something when we feel there is no gain; when we believe it is something we have to do, for the benefit of someone else; when we would rather do something else which would benefit us more. So do you feel that you need to study for someone else’s benefit — your parents’, maybe? Or, do you think there is something in it to gain for yourself? What will your options, and life, be like if you do not study now? Think about these answers for yourself, and be honest. Think about what your life would be like if you did not have the opportunity to study. Right now it is seeming a burden to you. Believe me, the picture is not rosy. Do a reality check and accept that you need to do this, not for your parents or anybody else, but for yourself. Because effort is your only path to success. And once you have thought about it and have the answers, keep a snack by your side, leave your phone in another room, and go for it with all your gusto. Because you need to do it for yourself.
Dear Madam,
I’m a PUC I student. Can you give me a few tips on how to focus while studying, especially before an exam?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Lack of concentration near exams is a very common problem that seems to plague students and I have addressed this question in this column several times before. You could read the blog personalorbitchange.blogspot.com where the responses on the same topic are available. Hopefully, that will give you some direction in terms of technique. However, before you visit the site, I would like you to introspect on why you are studying and why you ‘need’ to concentrate. We feel bored and distracted when we are doing something that is of no interest to us, or we believe that it needs to be done as a favour for someone else, and we don’t gain anything from it. And, therefore, it is boring. We hide behind the belief that it is something we ‘need’ to do because of peer or parent expectations. Think of what your life would be if you didn’t do it, and acknowledge that there is a selfish reason to do it.
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