Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!

Is your child’s behavior worrying you?

[The following article written by me was published in the White Swan Foundation website:

http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/is-your-childs-behavior-worrying-you/ ]

Ever so often a parent sets up time for their child’s counselling because the child is acting out and misbehaving – throwing temper tantrums; being rude; addicted to the mobile (or to technology); not studying; being distracted; not getting the marks; not interacting with peers; not ‘listening’; the list can go on. Parents want the child counselled so that the behavior can be ‘fixed’.

My view is that behavior cannot be ‘fixed’ unless we understand the feelings and thoughts that result in it. The linkages between thoughts, feelings and behavior have been well researched and form the foundation of what is popularly called cognitive behavioral therapy and is a well-established mode of therapy for various mental health conditions. While I am not going to go into the details of CBT as it is popularly called, I do want to take a minute to illustrate the linkage because understanding it can enable us to look at our children’s issues (and our own) very differently.

Let’s take the example of a child going into a new school and being faced with a situation where he needs to interact and mingle with a whole new set of peers. If this child

• thinks he is not good enough and others are better than him; he questions himself on whether he is 'good enough for that group'; then he
• feels unsure, unconfident, insecure and hesitant, which makes him
• behaves meekly and mildly, when he walks up to peer-groups very hesitantly and in an unsure, tentative voice pleads to be allowed to join in the group. The typical response he will get from the group in such a situation will be one of rejection.

As adults in the life of the child, we typically see the meek and mild behavior and his social isolation and tell him to behave more confidently and make more friends. We do not focus on his underlying feelings of insecurity and lack of confidence due to his low self-esteem and belief that he is not good enough. In the counselling room what presents itself is often behavior which the adults want ‘fixed’. “Tell him how to make more friends” one parent may say. Or, “tell him how to be more confident”. What needs to be addressed though, are the unhelpful, dysfunctional and often irrational beliefs that result in the feelings and consequent behaviors.

Let’s look at the same scenario, but in this case the child

• thinks he is good enough and as good as the others; instead of doubting himself, he questions himself on whether the others are “good enough to be his friends”; then he
• feels confident and secure, which makes him
• behave confidently, when he walks up to the peer-group and in a clear confident voice introduces himself and asks to join the group. The typical response he will get from the group in such a situation will be one of friendliness and acceptance.

The situation in both cases is the same. The difference is the beliefs the child has about himself and his surroundings, which in turn, evoke feelings of confidence or uncertainty and result in very different behaviors.

So whenever we are confronted with a situation where our child is behaving in a way that is not acceptable to us, let’s go a little deeper and not just scratch the surface. Let’s try and uncover what the child is feeling, and understand the child’s thoughts and beliefs that are resulting in those feelings. But during this process of digging deeper, we need to ensure that we are able to remain non-judgmental and not end up being defensive.

Sometimes in this process of discovery we may realize that the child has ended up with some beliefs that we, as parents, did not intend for him to have. You wanted your child to be a confident high-achiever. How did he end up with such a lack of confidence? And that may then result in your having to answer some tough questions for yourself on what you did wrong or said wrong. And that may not always be a pleasant exercise for you.

The important thing is also to be non-judgmental, and accepting, not only of your child, but also of yourself. You have to believe in your ability to be a ‘good enough’ parent. You have to believe in yourself, only then will your child end up believing in himself. Remember, you are not perfect and you don’t need to be. You are good enough. And your child is not perfect, and does not need to be. Your child is good enough.

So if your child is throwing temper tantrums, don’t just try to stop the angry behavior. Try to understand the source of the angry feelings and address those. If your child is engaging in attention-seeking behavior, don’t just dismiss the behavior because you don’t want to give in to the demand for attention. Try and understand why the child needs to resort to the attention-seeking behavior to get the attention he probably rightfully deserves. If your child is addicted to technology, don’t just threaten to take away the mobile or other gadget, but try and understand what need is being fulfilled by the addiction that is not being met otherwise. What is the thought or belief that makes the child prefer the virtual world to the real world? If the child is constantly distracted and unable to focus, try and understand what thoughts (fears, anxieties, and hopes) are filling up his mind-space and give him an opportunity to air them.

This may seem hard, and beyond you. But in reality it is not. It just requires you to ‘listen’ with your hearts and understand and accept yourself and your children. This may require you to reskill yourself, and respond differently from what you are used to, but it is eminently doable. The rewards are definitely worth it – for yourself, for your children, and for your relationship with them.

Overcoming your Difficulties - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on August 20, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am an undergraduate student currently doing internship. I belong to a lower middle class family. I was doing well in my studies till the second year. But in second year I got disturbed as financial problems arose in my family and the family harmony was affected. At the same time I fell in love, and failed. My friends too betrayed me. I feel guilty about having wasted my time in unnecessary stuff. 

I should have realized my family expectations and condition. I became negative and lacked interest in studying and socializing with friends. As a result my studies were affected and slowly I became depressed and frustrated with my condition.

With the help of a lecturer I tried to recover and revive my self-confidence. I studied diligently in my final year and I improved. However, the problem of depression still persisted. Currently I am having physiological complaints like lack of sleep, lack of interest in food, feeling low and lack of energy through the day. 

I try hard to concentrate on my studies but cannot. I also think that my memory is going weak as I am forgetting things easily. I am unable to take action of what I want to do and end up doing nothing.

I try to motivate myself through books but my motivation is short lived. My lack of concentration, low energy, and persistent forgetfulness is affecting me. I want to get rid of this as I am afraid that this problem could hamper my career and future. Please help me in this regard.
A student
Dear Student
It is good that you are recognizing that there may be a more persistent problem for which you may need more help. I think it is important to get yourself evaluated for depression by a psychiatrist and take the help needed for you to get out of it.

Like other chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes and hyper-tension, depression may also need some medication as it may be the result of chemical imbalance in the brain.

If you are assessed for being clinically depressed, and you take the medication you should start feeling better in a couple of weeks. If possible, also try and supplement the medication with some counselling that will help you feel better about yourself, deal with your guilt, and gain a different perspective on the situation you are trying to handle.

I am not sure which city you are in, and if you have access to a counsellor. If not, you could get some free counselling support from the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. All the best.

Dear Madam,
My daughter is very bad in her studies. In PUC she failed in two subjects which she cleared in the supplementary exam. Immediately she was admitted to an Engineering College in Mysore (for Information science). In the first semester she failed to clear 4 subjects, and continued to the 2nd semester.

When the results were announced, she failed in 7 subjects, including 4 subjects in the first semester. We are utterly confused. Could you guide us? Shall I ask her to concentrate in 7 subjects by remaining at home and preparing well before going for the 3rd semester next year, or discontinue her studies and join some other course like BCA.

Alternatively pursue the 3rd semester and simultaneously appear for the failed subjects in the coming supplementary exam. We seek your valuable suggestion. An aggrieved parent
Dear aggrieved parent
It is not about asking her to follow one path or the other, it is about having a conversation with her to understand what is holding her back from achieving her potential. Does she feel she is in the wrong field and would she rather be doing something else? Or does she feel she is in the right field, but is distracted and unable to focus due to stress, anxiety or some other reason which she may need help dealing with. Or does she believe she is just not capable to deal with these subjects?

It is important to be able to have these conversations in a non-judgmental accepting way so that she feels comfortable expressing her fears and anxieties.

I am sure her situation must be causing her difficulty as well, and it is important for you as a parent to support her in this journey so that she comes out successfully at the other end, with the least emotional damage.

Dear Madam
How do I explain to my classmate that I just don’t want to hear about her boring stories all the time? She goes on about the dullest things but I don’t want to be rude. Help!Anonymous
Dear friend

Our reactions to a particular situation often stem from our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences. It may be worthwhile for you to take a few self-reflective moments to understand where you impatience is stemming from? What do you feel when she tells you those stories? What stops you from participating in those stories and also telling some of your own? What stops you from being genuinely interested in her?

And if you are not, what makes you still hang around her, even though you would rather not? What is the gain you are getting out of it? Time for some self-reflection, I think. All the best.

Dear Madam
My son has just turned 14 and I have a suspicion that he's started smoking marijuana. He's always been such good boy, and we've always been very close as a family. But just recently he's started coming back to the house with red eyes, in the middle of the night, and locking himself in his room. What can I do?A concerned mother
Dear concerned mother,
I would think it is time to have some genuine communication within the family. Don’t focus simply on the behaviors, but on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are leading to his indulging in those behaviors.

Don’t be judgmental and dismissive of him, but go into the conversation with an open heart and open mind and a willingness to listen, understand and mentor. He is still a ‘good boy’ but is just not doing something not so good. That does not erase and nullify all is goodness.

He needs guidance, mentoring, love and help. You may stop the smoking and still not address the underlying emotions and needs, which may result in only a short-lived solution to the problem. Hope this helps. All the best.

Recognize your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on July 30, 2015)

Dear Madam,
I am a final year engineering student (ECE) in Hubli, Karnataka. During my childhood I wanted to become a scientist and join NASA as I was interested in space. But after completing my second year PU, I don't know what has happened to my goal and my ambitions! 

From being a good student I have become   become average and study  only to pass examinations. I sometimes try to motivate myself to study but it does not last for very long.  Also, I am very addicted to technology and I am unable to come out of it. My campus placements are going to happen next week and I wanted to get placed, but I am not able to study. Please help me.

Mayur M Naravani
Dear Mayur

By the time you get a response to your letter your campus placements may already be over. However, no matter what the outcome of that, I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you regain your motivation, uncover your hidden potential and add meaning to your life. 

Obviously your addiction to technology, while it is fulfilling a need for you, it is also coming in the way of your attaining your potential. Any kind of addiction is bad because it makes you dependent on an external factor for your own existence. NIMHANS, in Bangalore, has expert help available to help people deal with technology addiction, should you choose to take that help. 

It is great that you are able to recognize that you have greater potential and that something is blocking you in achieving it. Recognition is the first step. Now get the help you need to help you identify what is blocking you, and how to go full-steam ahead and achieve whatever it is you choose to.

Dear Madam,

I have a Diploma in Electrical and Electronics with 74.67% from Hubli, Karnataka. Due to lots of problems at home I dropped my PU course and completed diploma in E&E. As my family cannot afford engineering financially, I have to begin working. 

Please suggest how I can start to look for jobs and build my career and work passionately. I plan to join B.Com as a external student with a recognized university (Karnataka University Dharwad). Please guide me.
A Student
Dear student

Your question is really meant for a career counsellor to guide you on how to go about deciding on your next step, and maybe possibilities of funding your education through loans and/or scholarships. I really have no expertise in helping you with that. However, I would like to say that even if you don’t have the formal qualifications, with the right attitude and motivation you can learn and progress as you wish. Sometimes qualifications only open a few doors. 

Eventually making a success of those openings is an entirely different story and depends on the person’s soft skills more than anything else, like the ability to communicate, the ability to take risks, the ability to solve problems and think creatively, the ability to work in a team and leadership skills, among other things. So get started, give it your best shot, and keep climbing from step to step – but also remember to look back and take stock of where you started from and how far you have come.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I have completed my 2nd PUC Science and I am very poor in Maths. While I am interested in taking up 5 year law course, my father however wants me to do engineering. I don’t want to regret  taking up engineering even after knowing that it is not suitable for me. I’m confused. Please help me by telling how I can convince my father. Also tell me what the scope for law is.

Shivakumar
Dear Shivakumar

I think you and your father need to have an honest open communication about what you should do. You need to understand why your father wants you to do engineering. I am sure he wants the best for you, and thinks that engineering is the only route to achieve that. You should also be clear and communicate to him about why you want to do law, why you think it is the right choice for you, and why you think engineering is not for you.

I totally agree with you that you should not enter a field that you do not have any interest in.  However, it is in your interest to carry your family along with you in your decision. To do that you may need to do some introspection and self-analysis to figure out why you feel your choice is the right one for you. Remember that your father eventually will want the same end result that you want – for you to be happy and successful at whatever you do. You are not two opposing forces, and you don’t need to view the situation as such. Hope this helps and all the best.

Dear Madam,

I am currently confused about what career options to take. I have completed my B.Com from RC university Belagavi, Karnataka. I'm interested in banking sector and also in the defence sector. I'm writing the relevent exams for it as well. But I also want pursue MBA to complete my post graduation. But I have a third semester backlog of business statistics in B.Com so all my future plans have been kept on hold. Unofficially I have completed B.Com but due to the third semester backlog I am not able to apply for jobs.

I have lost my patience and confidence. In my home nobody is ready to guide me or help me in this regard. I want to have a career- which I like and enjoy and moreover earn respect from my friends, colleagues and family. But financially we are not so well off. This is the root cause of the problem. I have been waiting for a long time to tell you all this and seek your advice and solution to my set of academic problems.
Nikhil More
Dear Nikhil

Liking the career you have chosen, enjoying it and earning respect from your friends is all in your control as it is largely driven by your own thoughts and feelings about yourself and your situation. You can choose to view the same job as boring and mundane and do it in a routine mechanical fashion, or you can choose to be thankful for it and give it your best shot, all the time looking to think out of the box, solve problems, and give it your 100%. 

If you respect yourself your friends will have no choice but to respect you. What the world says about you is a reflection of what you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself, the way you interact and respond to situations will force others to respect you as well. Getting a job per se is not what gets you respect. It is what you bring to the job, or what you give to it, that ultimately earns you lasting respect.

Good luck!

Recognise your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q& A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 8, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am a I PUC graduate with an overall percentage of 98.33%. My aim is to get into one of the IITs. But the problem with me is that I have a lot of negative points. I am a very bad time manager, lazy and unsystematic. I am also a procrastinator. I don’t study regularly and my work piles up at the end of the week. When the exams approach, I start studying late nights, trying to finish my portion at the last moment. 

For the I PU exam also, I skipped many topics as there wasn’t enough time. I scored well only because of sheer luck. But I believe I am capable and have immense potential. At present, I am attending classes in a coaching institute. In the first week I was full of energy and enthusiasm. But as the weeks passed, I have become casual, and I fear that because of this habit, I will not be able to perform up to my potential. 

So at the end, I feel bad that I have wasted precious time. To lift my spirits, I have read motivational books, but they don’t seem to work. Please help me in performing well and deleting my negative points.

SP

Dear SP

You are not the only person in the world who has negative points. Each person has negative points and in that you are not unique. However, each person also has positive points, along with the negative, and it is important that we recognize and acknowledge our positive points because that is what makes us feel stronger and better about ourselves and gives us the energy required to achieve our goals. 

Unfortunately most of us are only too quick to recognize our weaknesses and make the fatal mistake of thinking we don’t have any strengths. So I am not too concerned about the fact that you have weaknesses. I would be more concerned about the fact that you are not recognizing your strengths. You are attributing your successes to sheer luck, discounting any role that you and your strengths may have played in achieving them. 
I would urge you to stop here and take some time to take stock of your strengths. And don’t stop at discovering and uncovering only one or two. Try and dig out at least ten because I am sure you will have at least ten, provided you allow yourself to look for them.
If you can find more than ten, then even better. You don’t need to delete all your negative points. You need to know them, and then decide on which ones you want to modify and how you want to modify them. And as you start recognizing your positive points, the burden of the negative points will automatically come down. If with all your negative points that you mention you are able to get a score of 98.33%, you are obviously not giving enough recognition to your positive points and strengths. I am also not sure how much more will convince you that you are indeed achieving your potential!
Watch out from falling into the trap of constant dissatisfaction, no matter what the result. I hope you are not caught in the vicious cycle of never doing good enough! At some point of performance, you need to be able to take stock and enjoy your success and feel a sense of satisfaction at what you have achieved. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in II PUC. All my classmates in college think that I am completely unfashionable. All the other children laugh at me at school and say my clothes are completely unfashionable. I feel really stupid. I ask my parents to buy me better clothes but they say they don’t have enough money. What can I do?

Dear Anonymous,
I hear you say that you feel really stupid, and that is what concerns me. People around you will only reflect back to you what you are feeling about yourself. If you feel insecure, not smart and lacking confidence, then that is what people start thinking about you. And those are the cues that you pick up from your environment which further reinforces what you think about yourself.
Let me help you understand that a little better. You say you ‘feel stupid’. Because of that you may be thinking thoughts like ‘people don’t like me’, ‘I am not smart’, ‘others are smarter than me’, ‘what must the others be thinking of me?’ and so on. Because you are thinking like that you behave meekly, shyly and without confidence, feeling embarrassed about yourself and your clothes. 
Because you behave that way, your friends think you are not dressed fashionably. In reality, it is not your friends that are thinking you are not smart. It is you who is thinking you are not smart, and therefore behaving in a way that makes them say that. 
If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, and feel that you are smart, then your thoughts and behavior will reflect that ‘smartness’ and people will start thinking of you as ‘smart’. Your clothes don’t really have anything to do with smartness. 
You don’t need to be fashionable to be ‘smart’, and if you feel ‘smart’, think ‘smart’ and behave ‘smart’ then dressing fashionably is not that critical. Most people need to be ‘fashionable’ to project an external smartness which may not have anything to do with how smart they truly are. So the bottom line is to believe in yourself. 


Dear Madam
I am currently pursuing my second year engineering (mechanical) in Karnataka. I am from an orthodox family though my thinking is quite free. I have some good friends whom I talk to and spend a lot of time going out and having fun with. The problem is that, 
I do not have any female friends and I hesitate to talk to girls in general. I don't know how to approach a girl and start having a proper conversation. Sometimes I feel that I have to maintain a distance from girls, so that I don’t fall into some unwanted relationship.
M C
Dear M C
Sometimes our social conditioning and family background entrench in us a set of beliefs from which we operate, most of the time unconsciously. You mentioned that your family is conservative and so your hesitation to talking to members of the opposite sex may stem from messages you got around that from your family while growing up.  I urge you to take help in resolving this for yourself, and deep-seated beliefs take time to uncover and then shed off. 
You should either see a counsellor face to face to explore what your fears and anxieties around interacting with girls are based on and how to overcome them. Or you could call the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323  to talk to a counsellor who may be able to help you.

Pefect or Good Enough? Selfless or Selfish?

This article written by me first appeared at 

http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/perfect-or-good-enough-selfless-or-selfish/ 

I am mindful of the fact that after reading some of my columns you may start doubting your own capability as a parent; you may be so overcome with fear that you start believing that no matter what you do, you are going to have an adverse influence on your child. As though you are not worried enough already about your child’s future and your capability to deal with it, without my having to scare you and paint a picture of gloom and doom.

My intention in this column, dear readers, is not in any way to take you away from the joys of parenting, or create a doubt in your mind about your ability. Quite to the contrary, it is to make you mindful and aware of how simple things can go wrong, and how easy it is to fix those simple things, provided we are willing to fix them.

Parenting is a journey, like the rest of life. We can view it as a leisurely, luxurious trip, taking time to enjoy the scenery as we go along, and crossing roadblocks as they come along the course. Or, we can view it as a long, arduous trip that we just need to somehow complete, with each roadblock becoming a further nuisance on our course, delaying our arrival at the destination. The choice is ours.No matter what outlook we choose to have with respect to the journey, our views and expectations of ourselves hold a vital key. Are we constantly expecting ourselves to be perfect? In which case we will always fall short of our own expectations since there is no such thing as a perfect’ person. Or, are we willing to accept ourselves the way we are, with all our strengths, ability, intuition and gut feeling, yet with some weaknesses, doubts and anxieties. Are we willing to accept a less than perfect version of ourselves when it comes to our being a parent? Are we able to accept our own mistakes and shortcomings as a normal part of our journey of life and growth?

Nothing makes one feel as vulnerable as when one becomes a parent – “Now I need to be perfect,” “This is one area where I can’t afford to make any mistakes,” “I must never give anyone a chance to say that I did not do my best as a parent,” “Now everyone is going to judge me not on the basis of me, but on the basis of my child.” Yet, nothing also makes one feel as responsible as when one becomes a parent. I remember the immense sense of responsibility I felt when I looked at my new-born baby – this was a life that I was totally responsible for, and a life that was totally dependent on me for its very existence! And then I was overcome with fear – what if something went wrong? What if I am not able to cope? What if something happened to me? Would my child even remember me?

I think the one constant factor through the entire journey of parenting is being overcome with conflicting thoughts and emotions – hope and fear; love and anger; joy and sorrow; optimism and pessimism; trust and doubt; selflessness while secretly wanting some me time; fostering independence while longing for dependence; fulfilling your own dreams while wanting your children to live theirs; the elation of soaring high and the deflation of falling flat on your face – quite like a roller coaster ride.

So is parenting a selfless pursuit, or a selfish one? The first time that question was raised to me, of course I said it was absolutely selfless – how outrageous to think otherwise. But as I think about it now, I am not sure anymore. And maybe I don’t need to be – maybe it is a bit of both. And that is okay!

I believe that in being able to deal with this ambiguity, and the consequent shades of gray, lies a possible answer to enjoying the journey of parenting. You are neither perfect nor awful, and you don’t need to be; you don’t need to label yourself in the extremes. You are good enough and at any point of time, you need to believe that you are doing what you believe is right given your current understanding of the situation. When your understanding changes, or the situation changes, you may choose to do things differently, but as of now you are doing your best – and whether it is selfless or selfish is only a matter of inconsequential semantics. Believing in yourself and enjoying the journey is all that matters in the end. Really!